The cursed image burned into our retinas of Lena Dunham lifting her skirt to show Brad Pitt her kewpie doll tattoo has a new friend. Make room for your mind’s eye’s newest roommate: Lena dressed in whatever scraps she was able to pull out of the vacuum cleaner after tidying up backstage at The Cher Show, trying to plant a fat kiss on Brad’s reluctant mouth on the red carpet for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. Or maybe she was trying to get Brad to shotgun her a hit of the good stuff. Either way, he did not acquiesce and left her high and dry. Well, she might have gotten herself a little bottom lip stach tickle, which will hopefully be enough to keep her Brad spank bank balance from dipping into the red.
Lena Dunham would very much like for you to comment on her naked body. She’s posed nude on Instagram for the first time in likely minutes and is awaiting your input. However, there’s a catch. You have to write something nice and it has to be about yourself. In exchange, Lena will donate $1 to charity, and no it’s not a charity that does free eye-ball power washing to people who’ve inadvertently memorized all of Lena’s tattoos (pray she doesn’t take $1 away from the charity because of that comment).
Foot fetishists rejoice (podophobiacs recoil)! Unlike in the previous trailer, Foot Fucker In Chief Quentin Tarantino paid lipservice to your kink and shoehorned a pair of plump N’ grubby Flintstone feet into the new full length trailer for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. And everybody, footsuckers included, can breathe a sigh of relief because the feet in question don’t belong to Lena Dunham. As far as we know, the only naked Dunham moment in this production was the time she lifted her skirt and gave William Bradley Pitt the scare of his life. And as we know, Brad don’t scare easy.
The comedy pairing of black people’s nightmares: Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham have let it be known that they are good friends. And how did they become such close buddies? Did they braid each other’s hair while listening to the new Taylor Swift album? Did they make potpourri together with organic-grown daffodils? Did they stumble upon each other at Whole Foods and get into a deep conversation about gluten allergies? No! It turns out they bonded over the fact that both of them are well-hated by the public. I mean… I guess we all have something in common with someone…
Lena Dunham has written a 1,300 word apology to Aurora Perrineau which was published by The Hollywood Reporter, and approximately 1,000 of those words are about what a brave survivor she is, and you already know the “she” I am referring to is Lena. If you’re into extreme self-care and somehow missed it (blessings unto you), Lena feels bad because last year she (and her ex-partner Jenni Konner, who I hope doesnt think we forgot about her ass) publicly defended her friend and Girls writer Murray Miller against rape allegations made by Aurora who filed a police report and claimed that Murray sexually assaulted her in his home in 2012 when she was 17-years-old. For this, Lena is sorry.
You guys are so lucky. A journalist had to spend at least a month receiving very personal text messages from Lena Dunham, then had to visit her at both her California bungalow and her parents’ “stately residence” and interview her for what probably amounted to hours upon hours of solipsistic tedium. Then I had to read the resulting profile which gave me a migraine and mild indigestion. Now you get to sit there wherever you are and reap the benefits of our suffering. Think about that when you tell your friend later that you read somewhere that Lena is thinking about adopting a “hairless black puppy” that she wants to name Rosa but was worried people would be mad at her “bc of Rosa Parks bc” she has to “consider those things”. So, consider that!