No, that isn’t a picture of your uncoordinated cousin recreating the Dirty Dancing lift for her engagement announcement on Facebook. That’s a picture from a professional production of Dirty Dancing, and it sums it all up, pretty much.
If you buried the gross, hurtful memory of ABC’s remake of Dirty Dancing and forgot about it, then I apologize for bringing it back up with these pictures that came out yesterday. I bet that right after ABC released stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, every TV critic started pre-writing their review and they’re first line is: I DIDN’T have the time of my life.
ABC’s Dirty Dancing stars Abigail Breslin (as Baby), dancer/Instagram THOT Colt Prattes (as Johnny Castle), Debra Messing (as Baby’s mom), Bruce Greenwood (as Baby’s daddy), Sarah Hyland (as Baby’s sister) and Nicole Scherzinger (as Penny). It’ll splatter onto TV screens on May 24. I know the phrase “this is a Dollar Tree version of” is overused (and mostly by me), but this looks worse than a Dollar Tree version of Dirty Dancing. It’s like the head bitches at ABC thought, “I know what our viewers want! An exact remake of Dirty Dancing but cheaper-looking and shitty!”
These stills looking like they’re from an unauthorized Dirty Dancing remake called Filthy Moves that’s sold exclusively on subway platforms. I know that Baby isn’t exactly the definition of glamour, but in every picture, Abigail Breslin looks like she just rolled out of bed, where she’s been for the past 3 weeks while sick with a serious case of the flu.
The only thing that can save this blasphemous DD remake is Katey Sagal as the hot cougar who gets revenge on Johnny for choosing Baby over her. See. This DD remake already doesn’t make sense. Who would choose Baby over this pure hotness?
And Johnny Castle looks like he just got back from playing Danny Zuko in a community theater production of Grease. Oh well, at least Patrick Swayze is getting in some cardio from rolling so much.
Two months ago, the low-budget, direct-to-basic-cable reboot of Kevin Federline known as Casper Not-So-Smart once again lost his cushy job as Jennifer Lopez’s ass moisturizer applier/purse holder. At the time, it was rumored that Casper’s name was removed from JLo’s list of regular payees after he failed to fulfill one of his duties as a professional kept bitch. Casper supposedly refused to escort his sugar mami to some party in the Hamptons. But now a source tells People that JLo terminated Casper’s employment after she caught the (alleged) glory hole lothario passing his peen to another AGAIN. Someone needs to retake the intro course at Heather Mills’ Preschool for Aspiring Gold Diggers, because the first rule you learn is to never cheat! The second rule you learn is that if you’re going to cheat, only cheat with a richer mark.
One may think that when a very busy lady like Jennifer Lopez wants to get rid of a man in her life, she simply gives them a goodbye gift bag that includes a signed picture (“Thanks for the memories! XO JLo“), an unopened bottle of Glow, and $500 cash in an envelope taped to an On the 6 CD. Apparently it’s not that easy. Or at least it’s not that easy with Casper Smart.
We found out yesterday that Jennifer Lopez had recently packed a duffel bag with Casper Smart’s things and once again told him his boy toy services were no longer needed. Sources claimed there was no drama to their breakup; simply that JLo and Casper’s relationship had come to a “natural end.” It was only a matter of time before we discovered what Casper did to mess up his kept man status, and it turns out it involved ditching JLo in the Hamptons for a UFC fight in Las Vegas.
If you own a pawn shop, take a good look at all that jewelry on Casper Smart’s body. You’ll want to have an appraisal estimate handy in case he swings by. It’s been a while since Casper the Kept Man has had to pay for anything on his own, and I’m sure he’ll want to liquidate some of his assets once he realizes how much the cost of living has risen.
While Our Lady of Cheetos sleep dances and sort of moves her lip-synching lips in rehearsals for the next set of dates for her Las Vegas residency, she was gracious enough to let Jennifer Lopez borrow her stage at Planet Hollywood. Brit Brit Spears may not be able to spell saint, but she is one.
The opening night for JLo’s residency at Planet Hollywood happened last night and her show “All Of Me” looks like what you’d see if you looked at Liberace’s cum load through a microscope. There’s rhinestones! There’s feathers! There’s fur! If JLo’s show doesn’t work out, Planet Hollywood can recycle her costumes and use them in their new production: Zsa Zsa Gabor The Musical! I can’t hate on JLo’s show, because every costume looks like it came from a drag show inspired by Dynasty. (“But isn’t every drag show inspired by Dynasty?” – you “I sit corrected.” – me)
Justin Bieber, Rebel Wilson, Hoda Kotb, Kelly Osbourne, Casper the Friendly Gold Digger and Ryan Seacrest were all in the audience as JLo shook her rhinestone-covered ass in bedazzled pantyhouse bodysuits. She also brought Ja Rule and Pitbull on stage with her. TMZ says that unlike Brit Brit, JLo doesn’t lip-synch and natural musical notes come out of her mouth during her show. Here’s a few clips from her show and if the thought of listening to JLo singing live (with help from an auto-tone mic, probably) has made your ears cry out blood tears, don’t worry. I listened to it and my ears are still alive.
And while watching those clips and looking at these pictures from the show I tried to guess which one of her back-up dancers is going to try to Nomi Malone her by pushing her down the stairs so that they can take her place and become the new goddess of Las Vegas! There’s always someone younger and hungrier and with a bigger ass coming down the stairs after you.
Pics: Splash, Getty