The hearts and boners of horny middle-aged dads and preteen boys broke last month when it was reported that the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show might not happen this year. Some models were disappointed. Other models, like Karlie Kloss, were perhaps applauding the rumored decision. And then there’s model Kate Upton, who isn’t really that bothered, because the whole spectacle was starting to get pretty boring to her.
Congratulations are in order for ubiquitous Sports Illustrated cover model and amateur baseball analyst Kate Upton, 26, and her husband, Houston Astros pitcher Justin Verlander, 35. They announced via separate Instagram posts that Kate gave birth to the next generation of busty supermodels, a little girl named Genevieve Upton Verlander, on Wednesday.
Kate Upton‘s magnificent chichis are about to become even more magnificent, because she’s pregnant with her first child. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model and person I always confuse for that hot messy mess Estella Warren, has confirmed via Instagram that she is indeed knocked up.
Kate’s husband of eight months, Houston Astro pitcher Justin Verlander will be the chosen man hitting a Jack In The Box at 3AM for disgusting Monster Tacos cravings, which will serve as a good test run for future 3AM zombie crawls down their mansion’s hallways to change the baby’s diaper and beg, cry and plead for it to go back to sleep.
E! News offers this opposite of juicy tidbit on said timing of the future chichi sucker’s arrival:
Upton and Verlander got married got married in Italy last November, days after his team won the 2017 MLB World Series.
Upton may have hinted at her pregnancy back in April, when she posted on Instagram a shadowy photo of herself posing in the desert on a trip to Israel, writing, “You’ll find out soon enough.”
I’m no mathematician, but my finger counting puts the little cry machine here around the end of this year. Kate and Jason strike me as one shade of bland beyond boring of a couple, so unless Kate decides to call out any more skeezy old men for being perverts, we sadly probably can’t expect much more salacious news until junior arrives. Until then, I’m sure everyone will be on Titty Watch 2018.
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Last month, Guess co-founder Paul Marciano found himself in the #MetToo conversation after former Guess model Kate Upton vaguely accused him of being a creep. Paul responded by denying it and accusing her of getting fired for being a sloppy mess. Kate eventually came through with a comprehensive story told to TIME magazine detailing her working relationship with Paul. Kate’s allegations against Paul could be boiled down to the following: he was allegedly a horny old man with a mean streak who called Kate fat when she turned down his advances.
Paul again denied he’d done anything wrong, and promised his full cooperation with Guess as they investigated the matter. CNBC is reporting that while Guess investigates, Paul Marciano will step away from his position at the company.
Last week, Kate Upton joined the #MeToo movement on Twitter by implying that Guess co-founder Paul Marciano had been gross with her in some capacity (Paul responded by fully denying everything and claiming Kate was a mess on set). Kate didn’t get into specifics at the time; she told TMZ photographers she couldn’t wait to tell her story, but that she needed more time. And now she has.