It’s time to do a post mortem on the Kardashians. OK, simmer down. I just meant it’s time to discuss what was behind the cancellation of Keeping Up With the Kardashians after 20 seasons. Unfortunately, it’s not because the world has turned sour on the exploits of America’s preeminent family of grifters (basic cable edition). According to TMZ, The Koven feat Kris Jenner basically told E! “Thanks, we’ve got it from here” after deciding their various social media outlets are a sufficient platform for hawking their sundry business ventures. So they’re taking old KUWTK out back, shooting it in the head and shipping the carcass off to the glue factory. Check the label on Kylie Jenner’s new line of lip kits very carefully, it’s definitely NOT vegan.
This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.
Don’t worry guys, Justin Bieber isn’t just periodically posting lazy memes in order to fulfill his promise to “speak up about racial injustice and systemic oppression,” he’s also doing his part to support the Black Lives Matter movement by throwing a party to celebrate the birth of his Black friend, rapper Justine Skye. Proof that Justin can walk the talk (let’s give him a pass on being able to spell the words), he and wife Hailey Baldwin bravely faced off against Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti’s ban on social gatherings and risked having their water turned off (not that Justin showers but Hailey might like a cup of tea) in order to host a bevy of Hollywood elites (OK, Calabasas krabs) at their Beverly Hills mansion. Justin even went so far as to hug Kylie Jenner upon arrival. Talk about bravery!
Time to update my will, because I’ve got a new favorite song to play on loop at my funeral! It’s Cardi B’s “WAP”, featuring Megan Thee Stallion. WAP stands for “Wet Ass Pussy”, because of course it does. Last night both the song and the music video were released. The video was directed by Colin Tilley (the auteur also behind Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda”), and features cameos from Normani, Rosaliá, Rubi Rose, Sukihana, Mulatto, and… Kylie Jenner.
“WAP” is Cardi’s first single as a lead artist since last year, and it’s the first new music Megan’s released since she was tragically shot in both feet last month (after a pool party that Kylie Jenner was at). Yesterday Cardi posted a video on Instagram announcing she’d be dropping the single that night, but, tragically, the censored YouTube music video would replace the words “wet ass pussy” with “wet and gushy”. Um, that’s far grosser, honestly.
billionaire millionaire Kylie Jenner obviously ain’t the type of parent who worries about spoiling her kids. For daughter Stormi Webster’s second birthday this past winter, the new PMK (Pimp Mama Kylie) constructed an extravagant carnival of nightmares called “Stormi’s World” (featuring a bunch of creepy blow-up Stormi heads, a Frozen-themed ice room, and a custom-redesigned private jet interior to match). Girl doesn’t know the meaning of the word “ostentatious”. Because girl didn’t pay attention in school.
Last week Cardi B and Offset declared WAR when they presented little Kulture with a $20,000 Birkin bag for her second birthday. NO ONE threatens Stormi’s title of “Baby Veruca Salt”, so Kylie bought her daughter a $200,000 white pony from the Netherlands named “Frozen” (like the movie!). Shipping was, of course, not included. That cost Kylie an extra $7,000-$10,000.
Just when I had all but given up on the world, Digital Information World swoops in to restore my faith in humanity. According to DIW, Hopper HQ’s 4th annual Instagram Rich List just named The Rock the most bankable celebrity on the platform, beating the previous year’s winner Kylie Jenner. Look I know it may not be much, but even an incredibly obscure and essentially meaningless list I’d never heard of before today proclaiming a decrease in Kylie Jenner’s appeal, is enough to keep me from sticking my head in the oven on this particular overcast Thursday afternoon. However, I’m keeping that shit preheated because I also learned that The Rock “enjoys a net worth of $1,015,000 per post” you know, as a treat.