It’s been sixteen months since Jennifer Aniston called it quits with her possibly-not-legal second husband Justin Theroux. Since then, Jen has been single. If you ask any one of the tabloids why she’s single, they’ll probably roll their eyes and tell you that’s just what Jen wants you to believe to throw you off the scent of her secret reunion with Brad Pitt. But if you ask Jen, she might tell you it’s because she’s just too busy for dating.
Move over “lonely, miserable” Jennifer Aniston tabloid storylines as a new (even sadder!) Jennifer Aniston storyline is happening. Jennifer Aniston was supposed to be a princess of Britain! A new book is claiming Prince Harry wanted Jennifer Aniston to be his forever princess, but she couldn’t get past the 16 year age difference. This is what happens when an AniSTAN (I’m assuming that’s what they call themselves) writes fanfiction while high on bath salts after scrolling through The Daily Mail’s royal section.
Phoebe may be the best character on Friends, but compared to her co-stars, Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston, international treasure Lisa Kudrow was the least tabloid “famous”. We don’t read about her alleged botched plastic surgeries, or all of her failed relationships and loneliness the way we do with Court and Jen. And the same was true in the 90s: Jen was dating Brad Pitt, Courteney was in those Scream movies. And now, twenty years later when one normally assesses all the ways their previous traumas have shaped who they are, Lisa is talking about how back then being around her co-stars made her feel like the fat girl.
Jennifer Aniston had a small reunion of some of her exes at her 50th birthday party back in February, and one of those exes included Brad Pitt. So of course the tabloids and people wondered if their genitals were going to reunite since Aniston is definitely hungry for some Pitt even though she had that ass already and he’s the father of a million children now. But then sources said that Brad and Jen are just friends and got friendly again after he reached out when her mother died. And while struttin’ to his car the other day, a pap asked him if he and Aniston are getting back together and he said the words we all say when finding out that he and Angelina Jolie still aren’t damn divorced all the way.
When all of the frat brahs who fetishized Adam Sandler movies grew up and dropped him to start secretly pounding it to Tucker Carlson on Fox News, Sandler’s stock dropped with the regular movie studios. But, luckily for him, he was able to find refuge at Netflix. For some reason, the streaming service signed him to two multi-picture deals. Here’s the trailer for his latest flick, Murder Mystery, with Jennifer Aniston. Who did she lose a bet with? Angelina Jolie?
Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox and some of their friends were on the way to, where else, Cabo San Lucas (does she have some kind of deal with the tourism board?) to keep her 50th birthday celebrations going. But things got off to a messy start hen the private plane they were flying on had to make an emergency landing. They blamed it on some sort of mechanical issue but you know it was because Chelsea Handler found out there was only one handle of vodka aboard for the 2.5 hour flight and that won’t do. Aniston was probably just settling into low-key convo about eye fillers when she probably heard “Turn this boat, around, Aniston, cuz’ I’ve already gone through that bullshit size bottle of Absolut in the bar AND the bottle in my carry-on!” from the hag in back.