HBO Max, I Mean, “Max,” Released A Teaser Trailer For “The Batman” Spin-Off Series “The Penguin” Starring Colin Farrell
Yesterday, Warner Bros. Discovery officially announced that next month, HBO Max will merge with Discover Plus and become just MAX. That is a smart branding move since they’re erasing a brand name (HBO) that most people know well and replacing it with the name of every other neighborhood dog on your block. Max will launch on May 13th, and prices will range from $9.99 a month or $99.99 a year for a subscription with ads to $19.99 a month or $199.99 a year for the ultimate 4k ad-free subscription. Max (ugh, that name) also announced new shows, including that Harry Potter series, and served up trailers for their upcoming shows. That includes a little teaser for Matt Reeves’ The Batman spin-off series The Penguin, starring Colin Farrell continuing to fight the hot under forty-five tons of wrinkly prosthetics.
Open Post: Hosted By Kate Winslet’s Confusing Hair On The Poster For The 25th Anniversary Re-Release Of “Titanic”
SPOILER ALERT: Titanic from Titanic sinks, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Jack Dawson, dies at the end. And for 25 years (holy shit), people have been going back and forth about if Jack would’ve lived if only Kate Winslet’s Rose DeWitt Bukater were more generous with a portion of her broken-off door flotation device. James Cameron even tried to put the whole “Jack could’ve survived if Rose wasn’t a selfish betch” thing to rest by conducting a scientific study. But we can put that debate to rest for a little while as the anniversary theater re-release approaches because a new controversy just came into play, and the internet wants to know what in the RuPaul’s Drag Race’s Silky Nutmeg Ganache’s “Barbie Girl” lip sync wig was the graphic designer who created this poster thinking?!
James Cameron Says His Pregant Na’vi Warrior In “Avatar: The Way Of Water” Is “The Last Bastion For Female Empowerment”
In addition to the dazzling images on a huge aquamarine screen that James Cameron has promised us, he also promises that Avatar: The Way of Water does more to depict “female empowerment” than “Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel” because one of the blue aliens he made up in his mind is “a female warrior who’s six months pregnant.” OK, James! We see you. Female empowerment hasn’t had a champion this dedicated to the cause since the last time James declared his strong female lead unfuckable. You see, unlike that big-tittied strumpet Wonder Woman, Sarah Connor in The Terminator had “pure grit” where her Double-Ds should be. Back then, James’ brand of feminism earned him an Amazonian pimp slap from across the universe from THEE Ms. Lynda Carter, who said to James, “you poor soul,” “STOP IT.” Now I’m going to need somebody to please go get Lynda her Bracelets of Submission; she’s gonna need them again.
This morning, The Sun reported that there was going to be a sequel to The Holiday (2006), and all the main cast members had signed on to reprise their roles including Kate Winslet, the semi-retired Cameron Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law (aka Britain’s answer to Nick Cannon). But before rom-com fans could celebrate, that no-good Grinch Nancy Meyers took to Instagram to ruin the fun. 72-year-old Nancy, who wrote and directed the original movie, added this caption to a screenshot of the “news” story: “So many DM’s about this – sorry but it’s not true.” Then she limited Instagram comments, probably because she was getting death threats from horny Jack Black fans. They call themselves “Jackers,” and they’re TERRIFYING.
James Cameron Says That Leonardo DiCaprio Almost Didn’t Get Cast In “Titanic” Because He Didn’t Want To Audition
The timeless tale of a vagabond’s dalliance with a door-hogging socialite, Titanic, marks its twenty-fifth anniversary this year. At this point, anyone who has seen it will never let go of the love they have for Jack and Rose, but according to director James Cameron, Kate and Leow were almost cast aas teary-eyed theatergoers instead of the film’s stars. And in a recent interview with GQ (via CNN), James admits had to be convinced by both Kate and Leo that they were right for the part.
A lot has changed in the 13 years since Avatar debuted in theaters and we all learned the true meaning of CINEMA. A week prior to that historic occasion, we thought Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the apex of man’s achievements in motion pictures. How wrong we were. It’s almost embarrassing how simple and easily entertained we were. Those little neutered chipmunk nubbins, mere gestures towards anatomic verisimilitude, were laughably rudimentary compared to the virile, lashing appendages of the Na’vi and we, as a culture, have been horny for tails ever since. And now, after more than a decade of looking at our pets in a way that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, the first full trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water is here to remind us of that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim, and we masturbate to something we’ve never masturbated to before. Somehow, nut ache feels good in a place like this.