Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
In case you couldn’t tell from the Every Kiss Begins With Kay signature engagement pose and the giant ring on her hitchin’ finger, Eva Longoria and her current man are getting married. Wow, it feels like just yesterday that George Clooney was trying to work his way into her Preference box, and now here we are. Time really flies.
Eva confirmed that she was going to make Jose “Pepe” Antonio Baston her third husband by throwing up a picture of them smooching and showing off her engagement ring in Dubai to Instagram with the caption: “Ummmm so this happened…#Engaged #Dubai #Happiness.” Ummm, let’s stop acting like it was a totally spontaneous thing that happened; I can practically see the “Are we almost done here?” eye-rolls from the lighting crew from here.
Eva and Jose have been together for a little over two years. She was previously married to Tony Parker (speaking of things that remind me of the Kitson years) and the dude who played Nikolas Cassadine on General Hospital. Jose is the president of Televisa, and I can’t be sure of his checking account situation because I don’t know Jose like that. But anytime I see the word “president“, I automatically picture someone in a caviar-filled hot tub, scooping up chip dip with a crisp $1000 bill. So, get it, Eva! Get that president of Televisa cash!
I don’t really have that many questions about Eva Longoria’s engagement moment (sorry, Eva), but I am curious about this: what the Hell is with that makeshift living room in the middle of the desert? Oh my god, imagine how awkward it would have been if Jose got down on one knee and Eva said no? “Okay, well, can you at least grab a couple couch cushions on your way out? Like, I sort of have to clean this up before the sun sets, and I’ve only got two hands.”
Leave It To Dita Von Teese To Serve Up Flawless Retro Goth Alice In Wonderland Table Runner Realness
I don’t know if that’s actually a look, but it is now. Katy Keene’s closest living relative Dita Von Teese showed up at the amfAR Gala in Cannes today looking like a recently-divorced teacher from Ever After High who has decided to use up all her vacation days on a two week trip to Las Vegas with her best gals, Dottie and Trixie, and I love it. It’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Cry Baby meets a good push-up bra and a box of Clairol Nice n’ Easy #122. I feel like at any moment, a white rabbit is going to pop out of her cleavage and offer me a martini.
She also totally reminds me of one of the bedrooms in my aunt’s old house. My aunt had two fancy guest bedrooms, the white room and the blue room. I didn’t like staying in the white room because there were two old Raggedy Ann dolls that freaked me out, so I always picked the blue room. The blue room was opulent as hell; it was like Versailles farted on Liberace. Everything was covered in blue satin and embroidered with fancy beads and tassels and various decorative shim-shams. It was a wash-your-hands-twice-and-don’t-touch-nothing kind of room.
Basically what I’m trying to get at is that Dita Von Teese looks very classy and all, but she’s missing a decorative bolster pillow placed carefully on her boobs.
Here’s more of Dita at the amfAR Gala in Cannes, as well as a bunch of other fancy dressed famous types, like Rita Ora, Adrien Brody, the tallest of the Kalabasas Klan, and Robin Thicke. Yes, Robin Thicke is still getting invited to things.
Hot British ball-wrangling DILF David Beckham turned 40 years old this weekend, and decided to celebrate by throwing a huge-ass party in Marrakech, Morocco. A party in Morocco? Sounds like someone’s too good for dinner at the Olive Garden followed by a solitary box of wine in bed, aka how I plan on ringing in my 40th. Not surprisingly, David’s birthday party was full of famous types. But the most important famous types on his guest list were THE SPICE GIRLS!!! Excuse me while 13-year-old me gets very jealous of David Beckham.
Posh Spice Instagrammed a couple pics of four-fifths of the Spice Girls reuniting at David’s party. For those of you wondering why Scary Spice looks a lot like Gabrielle Solis from Desperate Housewives, that’s actually Eva Longoria filling in as Tiny Spice. For some reason, Scary Spice wasn’t there; my not-so-secret hope is that she was too busy dumping her shady scumbag husband’s things on the front lawn and changing the locks to make it.
Regardless, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. I especially love that Posh is giving classic Posh face, Sporty and Baby are serving up that backup realness, while Ginger Spice is working “Just casually reaching for my phone and angling my legs so I can make a break for it.” Although I don’t know why she’d want to. David had four birthday cakes at his party!
Awww, that’s pretty cute – each one came from one of his kids. Never have I wanted to have a dozen children so badly in all my life.
Here’s more of the Spice Girls meet-up at David Beckham’s birthday party over the weekend, including a shot of Posh helping David blow out his candles (or is she using him as a human shield from all that cake? I’m not sure).
Pics: Instagram, Daily Mail
When we all found out that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas’ marriage threw itself into a grave on top of the remains of her career (I’m wrong for that, because she was in an episode of Hot In Cleveland and working with Betty White is a career HIGH!), some hos wondered what would become of the definition of “bad choices” on her arm. Would she have that heart-shaped Antonio tattoo turned into a meatball with a unicorn riding on top of it (that’s what I would do)? Would she tattoo the words “FUCK YOU,” over Antonio’s name? Would she leave it and visit tattoo shops all over the world and try to talk people out of making the same mistake she did by inking their piece’s name into their flesh? No, Melanie hasn’t done any of that yet. Instead she’s using that busted down Antonio tattoo to get herself some attention, because why not?
Before going to the Taormina Film Festival in Italy yesterday, Melanie took a foundation stick from Wet ‘N Wild’s Passive Aggressive Collection and sloppily covered up Antonio’s name on her arm. Sure, Melanie could’ve put on a cardigan, but then all of us wouldn’t be talking about how she’s so over Antonio that she lazily slapped some pancake make-up on his name inked into her arm. But you know, Melanie didn’t have to bother covering that mess up. Because most people don’t even notice it since they’re too busy screaming, “FOR WHY? For why did she make her face look like a melting puppet sucking on a lemon?”
And here’s more of subtle Melanie “Hot Fucking Dog” Griffith wearing a Roberto Cavalli barf bag while hanging out with Eva Longoria at the Taormina Film Festival yesterday.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com
I can’t say I know much about Eva Longoria’s acting work (except for Over Her Dear Body, which is a really great movie if you want to fall asleep on an airplane), but I am confident that this woman’s legacy will be having made a career out of dating dudes and getting us to give a shit. Her life is like The Truman Show’s rom-com cousin. Only 3 months ago, Eva broke up with the dude she met on her reality show (if you can’t make it with a struggling actor who auditioned for a dating reality show, WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR THE REST OF US?!?!) but it looks like I can put away the spinster Snuggie I was knitting her for another day, because there’s a new man in her life!
According to People, after several weeks of keeping things on the hush, Eva chose to go public with her new piece, Jose “Pepe” Antonio Bastion. It goes without saying that the new relationship has been smooth sailing on the S.S. Super-Duper Romance:
“He’s been sweeping her off her feet and courting her like a proper gentleman,” a source tells PEOPLE of Baston, 45, the president of Televisa, the largest media company in Latin America. On Friday, he escorted the actress/producer, 38, to the Museo Jumex Opening dinner at Case De La Bola in Mexico City, Mexico.
Last month, Longoria and Baston dined at New York’s Serafina restaurant. A source told PEOPLE at the time that the Longoria was “very happy” with the budding relationship and that Baston was “crazy about her.”
He’s “crazy about her”? NO DUH; everyone’s crazy about everyone in the first couple of months. You get approximately 12 weeks of Lady and the Tramp-style spaghetti dinners and long beach-walks in matching white linen pantsuits before reality sets in and it all turns to champagne sweatpants and caviar burps. It’s only a matter of time until you’re discovering unflushed dumps in the toilet every morning and fights are breaking out over who ate the last Cliff bar. Have fun now, Eva; you’re mere weeks away from date nights spent eating generic-brand chili in front of the television as you rip through Season 4 of Friday Night Lights on Netflix (“Why don’t you go marry Tami Taylor, and then you can eat all the goddamned name-brand chill you want, asshole!!“)
Final thought: Pepe is my second favorite nickname after Lil’ Joker.