Chris Pine Wants To Have A Serious Conversation About Why His Dick (Which Matches Michael Fassbender’s, By The Way) Is Getting Attention
- That Medieval Times Movie On Netflix Where Chris Pine Shows His Crotch Monster And Dick Shrub (yes, that’s the movie’s official title, I checked) hasn’t come out yet even though it feels like we’ve been talking about it since the 14th century, which is the time that movie takes place. It comes out this week.
- Chris Pine told the Press Association that he wishes we could have a serious conversation about why we’re talking about his dick, but instead people are making jokes like horny tweens. But a second later, he joked that his dick is as gloriously peentacular as Michael Fassbender’s dick is in Shame.
So I’m not sure if Chris Pine doesn’t want us to joke about his dick or does want us to joke about his dick, but I do know that he’s talking about his dick, so let’s all talk about his dick!
Over the weekend, the Spanish coastguard got reports of an albino Loch Ness Monster in the Mediterranean Sea, and that could mean only one of two things. Jon Hamm was swimming in the Mediterranean Sea this past weekend, or Michael Fassbender was. It was the second one, but Assbender wasn’t only in Ibiza to take his white crotch Nessie for a dip in the sea, he was also there to become a husband for the first time.
It’s a sad day for size queens; Michael Fassbender may be taking his notable member off the table for good. According to The Sun UK, Michael and his on again/off again lady friend Alicia Vikander are planning a secret wedding in Ibiza, the Cabo Wabo During Spring Break of Europe.
Penis objectification denouncer Michael Fassbender is out shilling the new Alien: We Really Gotta Stop Just Standing There And Waiting For The Facehugger To Leap Out Of The Egg And Suck On To Our Mugs flick.
Michael, who plays his Prometheus android character as well as another identical android in the new Alien, says that he’s mistaken for Tom “I ♥ T.S.” Hiddleston all the time. The Daily Telegraph (via The Daily Mail) reveals that Michael says he feels that he’s much hotter than Tom. Of course he’s sexier, he’s never been with Taylor Swift. The mark of Tay Tay messes with a guy’s hotness.
And he feels the comparisons are faulty. They’re faulty because he’s young, hot Magneto and gets blown by guys in movies! Let’s see Loki and his stupid horns do that. AND, he probably has a bigger penis. We’ve all seen that cock of the walk he did in Shame (Tom’s Tumblr nation is going to find me for that one).
“Happens all the time,” he joked.
“I can see the similarities, but I’m better looking than him,” he added with a laugh.
Damn right! You don’t have to stick the laugh in there just to make like you’re joking so Tom will feel better. He’ll be fine. After all, he singlehandedly saved South Sudan, so he always got that accomplishment to fall back if he’s having trouble landing ladies. Girls like a humblebragger, right?
Other reasons why Michael > Tom? He’s never worn a I ♥ A.V. Club tank top. If this were Studs, I’d totally be the 1990s girl in the spandex sheathe minidress with the crispy bangs that chooses you, Michael.
Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander are at the Venice Film Festival promoting their Oscar bait of a movie, The Light Between Oceans, and I am 100% sure that 10/10 reporters on that red carpet said to him, “Hey, Michael, I’d let you put your light between my oceans.” That doesn’t really make sense, but when interviewing Michael Fassbender, you should always turn the title of the movie he’s pimping into a pick-up line.
If I was doing Michael Fassbender full-time, I’d probably wear a t-shirt that says, “I Am Doing Michael Fassbender Full-Time,” but they’re one of those ~private couples~ who don’t really talk about their relationship. But while talking to Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) about making The Light Between Oceans, Michael admitted that they started dating while making the movie in 2014:
“Yeah, we met on that job and have been seeing each other since. She’s such a fierce performer. She’s so brave. She’s not afraid to bring ugly personality traits to the forefront in characters. So I was really impressed by her immediately.”
The Light Between Oceans doesn’t come out until tomorrow, so I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m assuming that Alicia’s character limps in some scenes. Alicia’s character explains her limp by saying that she got it in an accident years ago, but we all know that she got that limp from regularly getting on Michael Fassbender’s crotch boa.
And here’s Assbender in a suit and Alicia Vikander dressed like a disco Maria von Trapp at the Venice Film Festival premiere of their movie tonight.
If you didn’t look at that picture and got all excited after misreading the headline as “Michael Fassbender Dipping His Dangling Peen Into A Bottle,” then: 1) We’re soul siblings, because we both always have dick on the brain. 2) You’re crazy to think that Michael Fassbender could dip his salchicha into a bottle. The only way he could fuck a bottle is if the bottle looks like this:
Even then, he’d need a gallon tub of Crisco to get it in.
But anyway, Michael Assbender was on The Tonight Show last night to promote his new movie The Light Between Two Oceans, and Jimmy Fallon decided that they should play a game of “Pen In Bottle.” Michael’s piece Alicia Vikander taught Jimmy the Swedish drinking game when she was on last week. All you do is tie a string with a pen attached to it around your waist, and then you squat while trying to sex the bottle with your pen. I know, the people at The Tonight Show are genius pervs. They came up with a G-rated way to show us what it looks like when Michael Fassbender pile drives.
You can’t tell from that clip since it was cut due to FCC rules, but even though Michael Fassbender missed the hole, that bottle still came.
And here’s Alicia and Michael taking selfies with their fans outside of their hotel in NYC a couple of days ago: