Somehow, I don’t think things are so rosy in the Gisele Bundchen–Tom Brady household. For the second year in a row, Kendall Jenner tops the lists of money-making models. Someone better not tell Naomi Campbell, or her laser-eyed wrath will be all over the Kardashian Koven! For someone who is oh-so-selective with the jobs (minus this one) Kris Jenner forces upon her, she sure is making a ton of cash from it. Kendall tops the list with $22.5 million made. Gisele tumbled down to number 5!
At This Performance Of Omaha Community Theater’s Production Of “Perestroika,” The Role Of The Angel Will Be Played By…
Pro tip: If you’re going to a party dressed like an intergalactic go-go dancing angel complete with ten hundred foot wide wings and you have to travel in a convertible since your ass can’t fit in a regular car, make sure that convertible is working right. Or else your big grand dramatic entrance will turn into a scene from the saddest parade ever:
Taylor Swift wasn’t at the Met Gala last night, but I’m sure that earlier in the night, she was in front of Katy’s hotel taking some pliers to that car’s wires as Olivia Benson and Meredith Grey played lookout.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
August is usually the month people set their brains to “Fuck it, it’s summer” and do the bare minimum required to keep the train rolling. But not at Forbes magazine. They have been busy adding up the dollars made by famous people last year.
Last week we learned that for the second year in a row Forbes named Jennifer Lawrence the highest-paid actress in the world, and that The Rock was the highest-paid actor. Forbes released another list of super rich people, and this time it’s the world’s highest-paid models of 2016. If your bank account crawled into a corner and cried after seeing how much money JLaw and The Rock made for playing pretend, well, you better go set up a nice blanket in its favorite corner. Because Gisele Bundchen also made a whole lot of money.
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
“Darling, will you be a dear and help a fellow Englishwoman out by holding my martini glass for a second? I must run off and feed my vagine a scoop of Moon Dust. It seems to be ravenous and is starting to chew on my onesie. Thanks, love!” – Goopy Paltrow to Rosie Huntington-Whateverly right after that picture was taken.
The Hollywood Reporter named their Power Stylists of 2016 and Goopy Paltrow’s stylist Elizabeth Saltzman made the list, so last night, she showed up to a dinner in L.A. to celebrate the issue. Three things:
1. Yes, Goopy Paltrow wore this 70s space B-movie ridiculousness to an event honoring the most powerful stylists in Hollywood. THAT is the pink hospital curtain ugliness that Elizabeth Saltzman chose to show off her styling skills. Maybe Elizabeth Saltzman is kind of like some of us? Maybe Elizabeth decided to fuck with Goopy. Maybe she told Goopy that she looks so hot and her pussy looks so perky in that jumpsuit, but then turned around and whispered to a style assistant, “She looks like Mr. Blobby’s dick.” But well, looking like Mr. Blobby’s dick is still better than looking like you’re wearing a jumpsuit that Buffalo Bill made out of discarded foreskins. If Elizabeth Saltzman is screwing with her, I officially declare my love for Elizabeth Saltzman. Keep up the great work!
2. If Goopy was trying to go for the “fuck effort Gumby cosplay using waffle towels from the 99 Cent store” look, then she nailed it.
3. That jumpsuit sort of reminds me of that creepy Awkward-Family-Photo-gone-wrong picture that has haunted the Internet for years. Therefore that jumpsuit needs to be torched, and its ashes need to be stashed in a place that no soul will ever, ever find it (like behind a Mortdecai DVD at Best Buy).