I’m fucking kidding of course. This year’s Oscars red carpet was about as glamorous as a back alley gluteal augmentation. Not even red carpet darling Billy Porter could save this parade of half-baked ideas which ranged from Saoirse Ronan’s front butt ruffle to Laura Dern’s titty-tassels. The real kicker is that, for reasons I will never accept, Blac Chyna was invited to pose for hundreds of pictures looking like a second string (ok, twelfth string) Cruella de Vil who smothered Cookie Monster with her bosom, skinned him with her talons and used his pelt for this dress. Meanwhile, the cast of Best Picture winning Parasite, were only photographed together in a group. The fuck? At least they let them use the slo-mo cam which is a big improvement on Giuliana Rancic’s (below, go easy on her, she’s dealing with some intestinal distress) Mani-Cam of yore.
Janelle Monae opened the Oscars and performed an opening number either called “Come Alive” or “Oscars So White.” Janelle mentioned the fact that the main acting categories were made up of mostly white people by letting out, “It’s time to come alive… because the Oscars is so white!”
Lupita Nyong’o Did Effie Trinket On Acid, Janelle Monae Had A Blinking Boob, And Zendaya Was Cinderella At The Met Gala
Some Met Gala outfits relied on pure glamour while others relied on equal parts ‘The Fuck?’ and ‘OMG!’ Three attendees this year, Janelle Monae, Lupita Nyong’o and Zendaya put their spin on the theme “camp” brought more drama than twenty-four hours of watching Bravo without a bathroom break.
The Grammys red carpet always looks like an intergalactic space orgy sprinkled with a bunch of random rappers who just rolled out of bed with barely enough time to grab their grill from the bedside table thrown in for good measure. Every year, it’s a mess. Plus you’ve always got legitimate superstars mixed in with a whole lot whosits and whateverhappenedtos. This year’s Grammy red carpet was no exception. I’m trying to sift through some of these looks, and honestly don’t know where to begin.
At This Performance Of Omaha Community Theater’s Production Of “Perestroika,” The Role Of The Angel Will Be Played By…
Pro tip: If you’re going to a party dressed like an intergalactic go-go dancing angel complete with ten hundred foot wide wings and you have to travel in a convertible since your ass can’t fit in a regular car, make sure that convertible is working right. Or else your big grand dramatic entrance will turn into a scene from the saddest parade ever:
Taylor Swift wasn’t at the Met Gala last night, but I’m sure that earlier in the night, she was in front of Katy’s hotel taking some pliers to that car’s wires as Olivia Benson and Meredith Grey played lookout.
I remember when I came out to my cousin and one of my best friends. I was super nervous and thought they would immediately shut their love off then run me out of town with sticks and torches (because apparently I lived in a medieval village in 1999). That didn’t happen. They both looked at me like “Meh.” And you know what, that’s what everyone’s coming out should be like because who gives a fuck? And in the tradition of 2018’s themes of “representation and visibility” Janelle Monae has finally put an end to the rumors of whether or not she likes to take a dip in the Lady Pond during an interview with Rolling Stone. Tessa Thompson’s grinding partner came out as the q (queer), p (pansexual) and f (free-ass motherfucker) in LGBTQPF.