If I’ve learned anything covering awards shows over the past few years, it’s that we, as a society, need to wake up and realize that we are on the verge of a cataclysmic sea-change that threatens to collapse all that we hold dear about awards shows. Forget global warming; there’s nothing we can do about that now (sorry, Greta et al). The peril we currently face has nothing to do with carbon emissions. André Leon Talley tried to warm us of this impending disaster. But did we listen? No. And now, tragically, we’ve allowed a dangerous build-up of too much fashion to occur. Right before our very eyes. And if something isn’t done to mitigate this awards fashion disaster, immediately, we risk losing the very carpet upon which they play out. I don’t even think Andre, in all his great wisdom, could have predicted that (still?) it-girl Anya Taylor-Joy would be personally responsible for 68% of the noxious plumes of excess fashion at last night’s BAFTA Awards, the runoff of which is polluting the Thames with a literal blanket of velvety tan sludge.
Cate Blanchett Calls For The End Of Televised Awards Shows While Accepting A Critics Choice Award On The CW…
The Critics Choice Awards aired on The CW last night, and a not-so-surprising guest crashed that shit like, “Bitch, I’m STILL here.” I’m talking about COVID-19. Nominees Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Jamie Lee Curtis, as well as presenter Michelle Pfeiffer, had to sit the show out after testing positive for Coronavirus. COVID-19 didn’t fuck with Cate Blanchett, though. She showed up to last night’s ceremony, won Best Actress for her performance in Tár, and used some of her time on stage to praise all actresses in the business and also declared that we need to finally call the time of death on the “televised horse race” known as awards shows. And then Cate galloped away with her Critics Choice Award in hand to place it right next to her two Oscars, three BAFTAs, four Golden Globes, three SAG Awards, and many other horse race prizes.
Did somebody say FASHUN?!? Well, say it louder next time, I don’t think the folks in the back heard you over the din of shitfaced celebrities using the Golden Globes’ phenomenal flame out last year as an excuse to load up on free champagne, talk shit, and network with fellow survivors of the Great Los Angeles Deluge of 2023. However, a few stars heard the call to bare arms (regretfully, ladies only. Where was Timothée Chalamet with his scrumptious little back meats!?) and used the opportunity to challenge their stylists to come up with a look that simultaneously screams “I’m the greatest star” and “I am being pranked by my stylist, aren’t I.” Meanwhile, the real jackasses pulling one over on these celebrities are the goon-squad of aestheticians going around convincing them to donate their precious buccal fat reserves “for charity.” Sad truth is that only a tiny portion of their donations actually make it to starving children in need. Sorry, Wednesday‘s Jenna Ortega, your generous donation is now just padding for some ghoul’s pocket. Also, I think your parachute got a little turned around. Must have been the wind.
Elizabeth Chambers Reportedly Used A Friend’s Email Account To Talk To The Press About Armie Hammer’s Many Issues
If they ever make a movie about the Wagatha Christie story, I know exactly who they should hire to play amateur digital sleuth Coleen Rooney. Armie Hammer’s wife Elizabeth Chambers may not include “actor” in her Instagram bio, but she does call herself a “TVhost/journalist,” and reportedly put those skills to use by borrowing a friend’s email account to contact multiple media outlets “both months before and after news of his extramarital affairs and the allegations of abuse by the actor” to let them know, among other things including leaking shots from his secret Finsta account, that Armie “had abandoned her and their children in Grand Cayman where they were living together during the early months of the pandemic, before their separation, to spend time with actress Lily James.”
According to CNN, Elizabeth’s now former friend contacted them and shared “emails and screen shots of text messages” proving the alleged subterfuge, claiming that she felt things had “gone too far.” If only someone had thought to say that about Armie’s career when he was cast in The Lone Ranger, it would have saved us all a lot of trauma.
Sebastian Stan Got Shit For Lecturing About The Importance Of Consent In A Post Celebrating The Emmy Nominations For “Pam & Tommy”
Yesterday FX’s Pam & Tommy was nominated for 10 Emmys, including Outstanding Limited or Anthology Series and acting noms for Lily James as Pamela Anderson, Sebastian Stan as Tommy Lee, and Seth Rogen as the dude who stole the couple’s sex tape. The miniseries was controversial because the real Pam didn’t give her blessing. Sources close to her said she felt violated by this unauthorized retelling of her story, and it was like “re-opening a wound.” Courtney Love, a longtime friend of Pam, said that it was “further causing her [Pam] complex trauma.” The whole thing is especially fucked because Pam & Tommy made it clear that Pam was the victim and the sex tape was shared without her consent. Yet, they retold Pam’s story without her consent. Ipso facto, they’re gross too.
But I guess nobody told Sebastian Stan any of this, because, after the nominations were announced yesterday, he posted a statement on Instagram patting himself on the back for making a show about consent and exploitation, “a crime that we were ALL a culprit of, as media and audience combined.” Yeah, but, like, especially you, right? The 39-year-old capped it all off by tagging Pam and Tommy. To quote Dorinda from The Real Housewives of New York: “I’m insulted by the audacity of her narcissism.”
Okay, so the good news is that another biopic is in the works about the tragic life of icon Anna Nicole Smith. And I’m not implying the bad news here is that it might star Lily James (I would never put out such pessimistic energy towards a project about my beloved misunderstood bimbo angel). All we know so far is that The Daily Mail believes that there’s a chance Lily James will once again be bringing her best 90s bubbly blonde bombshell energy in a biopic that might have people once again admitting, “Huh, well what do you know – I guess she does sort of pull it off.”