Madonna’s been terrorizing our ear-holes all spring with new music from her latest album Madame X. We were told Madame X was some kind of secret agent who travels around the world, shifting identities and solving problems like Israeli–Palestinian conflict and tenacious toe fungus. Now Madonna, sorry, Madame X, has a new video that would like to ask for your enthusiastic consent to jizz in your eye (consent is understood to have been given when you click on the little triangle).
In this video for the song Dark Ballet, Madame X brought a big duffle bag full of Mission Impossible rubber masks and takes on the identity of (guessing using her list of Madame X alter egos for reference) a prisoner, a nun, and a saint. I wish she had also managed to shoehorn The Cabaret Singer in there as well, but this isn’t one of the “fun” ones. It starts with a lengthy quote from Joan of Arc followed by a black man being burnt at the stake. See, not fun at all.
The Bronx is in the house! Or rather, The Bronx is in the Chateau! Bronx natives Cardi B and Jennifer Lopez have teamed up on a track called “Dinero” and they brought DJ Khaled along for the ride. Here’s the very shiny video directed by Joseph Khan. It’s packed full of tongue-in-cheek product placements which I didn’t really catch until the third viewing. Was it worth repeated viewings? No, it was not.
Man, DJ Khaled about as useful as tits on a boar, which, now that I think about it, is unkindly apt here. Although, it might be kind of fun to hire him for a day to announce my entrance every time I walk into a room. He’s very good at letting you know who people are. But that Robert De Niro pun was unforgivable. Go suck a clit, DJ Khaled!
What I like most about this video is how shiny it is. I love shiny things. I would legit rock one of those sequences jerseys JLo is wearing at the end. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor would enjoy watching this video if she were allowed to wear headphones and listen to Rachmaninoff instead. If I could, I would bedazzle the shit out of everything in sight too. But I wouldn’t bedazzle an elephant. That was wrong. Also, I kept expecting DJ Khaled to run into that set up and yell “Coolio! What!”, “Gangsters’ Paradise, yeah!”, followed by “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! What!… the hell have I done?”.
Backstreet’s Back, alright! Only they can’t say that because they already used it. So, Backstreet’s Here Again, OK! Backstreet Boys have debuted a new video and single for “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” which, again, has already been used (and better by Elton John and Kiki Dee). BSB are really setting themselves for failure here because now, I can only think about “Everybody: Backstreet’s Back” (they will never have a better song) and Elton John (they will never have better hats). But try they must, and try they did.
Here’s the first BSB song since 2013’s “We Were All Available”. Scratch that, it was called “What You’re Made Of”.
I wonder if there was any discussion of middle-aged men continuing to refer to themselves as boys? Wouldn’t Backstreet Bros or Backstreet Buds be more appropriate at this juncture in their career? This video is, well it’s not good. It’s almost as lazy as their Spice Girls lip sync. All I see are hands, hats, holograms and halogens. In one part it looks like they each have an Evil Dead hand they are trying to not get murdered by.
Kevin Richardson looks like Kid Rock’s non-evil twin who does a magic act at children’s birthday parties on the weekends after his PUA mixer. And AJ McLean looks like he’ll be replacing Dave Navarro AND Chris Núñez on the next season of Ink Master. There are also three others! I’ve already forgotten the song but I remember Kev and AJ. Congrats fellows, the hats worked!
Last year, Ryan Reynolds tried his level best to get himself nominated for an Oscar for Deadpool. I don’t know how much pull Ryan has over at the Deadpool offices (a lot I’m guessing), but it was enough to get them to hire Oscar-Maker-In-Chief Céline Dion to do a song and video for Deadpool 2. And to great comic effect, they totally played it straight (for the most part). Throughout the entire song I was waiting for Céline to pull off her rubber mask (that cannot be her actual face) and reveal that she was Deadpool all along. But no! Deadpool is in it too. And he’s a maniac on the floor.
Here’s the video for Ashes!
It’s actually a great Céline jam! The goobers at my karaoke spot will be singing this song by weeks’ end. We don’t deserve Celine. She’s a treasure and the world will forever be in Canada’s debt for sharing her. She’s worth suffering a thousand Biebers. Ok, one additional Bieber and three Drakes. But we expect greatness from Celine. There is nothing she can’t sing while glowing incandescently. But if Ryan really wants that Oscar, I’m going to need to know that he was actually doing his own dancing in this video. I want to believe that it was, but know deep down that it wasn’t. And if that’s the case, if anybody’s getting an Oscar out of this stunt, if will be Céline and Céline alone.
Drake finally put all those goods deeds to music and despite that music, I’m not mad. Apparently Drake and Co donated almost $1 million to regular everyday people in Miami. Outside of the grocery store stunt, the novelty check and the Saks Fifth Ave shopping spree, Drake also surprised a number of very happy people with stacks of cash. Plus a whole lot of other gifting that doesn’t look at all cringy when cut together. Plus, apparently Miami fucking loves Drake! One lady literally fell out when he sidled up to her on a curb.
Here’s the video
I screamed when I saw my girl Odalie at 3:58 looking impassive as hell. She must not drive because Drake was giving out a whole lot of whips with red bows on top. Oprah better watch out, Drake’s coming for her with his car giveaways! The video reads like an earnest love letter to the people of Miami, and who but the grinciest of grinches could be unmoved by a kids’ ice truck dance party. I’ll take three scoops of Antonio Brown, please. Well played Drake, you win this round.