Two carpets, both alike in dignity
(In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil shoes make civil rugs unclean.
It’s crazy how those words by William Shakespeare are still as true today as they were in 1996 when we finally understood them thanks to Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet. And this morning, as the sun rose over the detritus of last night’s Oscars celebrations, one carpet emerged victorious and unblemished by the unsightly stains of blood and mud and whatever it was that Fine Ass Jonathan Majors had in his tiny silver sipping cup. For reasons we may only understand after Baz makes a movie about it, after weeks of torrential rain, the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences decided this was the year to break with a 64-year tradition and pull the Red Carpet out from under our feet in exchange for a Champagne Industrial Rug. For revenge, Florence Pugh could barely be bothered to dress for the big event so she just brushed her ponytail to the front and grabbed a beige duvet cover out of the dirty laundry for the Oscars, saving her pink comforter for the Blue Carpet at the Vanity Fair after party.
The decidedly unhip British Invasion 2.0 continues apace with The Sun reporting that since she and her free-loading, no-rent paying roommate/ex-husband Prince Andrew got booted out of their Royal Lodge by his brother King Charles III, Sarah Ferguson aka Original Fergie, has been nosing around on this side of the pond, and has already “struck up a close friendship with” a “mysterious Texan billionaire” while “networking in the US.” And Fergie’s next conquest might take place at this Sunday’s Oscars ceremony. The Sun reports that Fergie may even take the stage to hand out an award based on her “very close” friendship with the Presley family, recently-deceased Lisa Marie Presley in particular. My, my, my; m’lady sure does get around!
Since He’s Done Talking About His Accent, Austin Butler Is Back To Talking About Being Hospitalized After “Elvis” Wrapped
Since you all made fun of that Elvis boy’s accent so much, Austin Butler has had to pivot his entire Oscars campaign back to focusing on the toll playing Elvis Presley took on the rest of his body. At least he can finally give his vocal chords a rest; right after they stop singing Hallelujah! At the very beginning of his Oscar campaign way back in May, Austin talked about how his body “just started shutting down the day after I finished Elvis” and he had to be rushed to the hospital. Now, with only a week to go before his big night, Austin dropped a bucket down into his well of anecdotes, only to have it come back up filled with dust.
Oscar nominee and Vanessa Hudgen’s best friend, Austin Butler, is getting rave reviews and ovations for his performance in Elvis. He’s already won a Golden Globe, so now he’s got to campaign campaign CAMPAIGN to win the fight against Brendan Fraser, Colin Farrell, Bill Nighy, and Paul Mescal. We already heard from Austin’s singing coach that he probably shook up his vocal cords with his Elvis voice so much that it might stick with him FOREVER. And now Austin’s talking, and well, Elvis (or his accent, anyway) will be leaving the building (Austin’s vocal cords) soon.
Austin Butler Finally Acknowledged That Vanessa Hudgens Is The “Friend” Who Encouraged Him To Play Elvis
Mystery solved! Austin Butler has finally addressed the 350-pound Fat Elvis in the room and revealed the heretofore secret identity of the “friend” who told him, “You’ve got to play Elvis.” But not being one to give up a bit prematurely, even now that he’s halfway to the mountain top with a Best Actor nomination for Baz Lurhmann‘s Elvis, Austin can now let you in on a little secret. That “friend?” Well, it was his “partner at the time.” And that partner was… Well, gosh, it must have been Priscilla Presley, right? See, it’s confusing because Austin still won’t name Vanessa Hudgens, his former girlfriend of nine years, so we’re left to assume Austin is no longer Austin but is, instead, merely a vessel through which Elvis Presley will live on forever. Or at least until mid-March.
Vanessa Hudgen’s social media antics are getting attention again, but thankfully this time, she’s not shrugging over people dying from COVID-19. Vanessa’s ex, Austin Butler, has gone from “hot guy” on The Carrie Diaries to soon-to-be Best Actor Oscar nominee for playing Elvis. Vanessa apparently foresaw Austin’s run in Elvis, and Austin himself said as much–but he did so while not mentioning the ex he dated for nine years by name. It seems Vanessa may not have taken too kindly to this, as she recently replied to someone mocking Austin’s maybe-fake-but-definitely-here-to-stay Elvis voice.