If I’ve learned anything covering awards shows over the past few years, it’s that we, as a society, need to wake up and realize that we are on the verge of a cataclysmic sea-change that threatens to collapse all that we hold dear about awards shows. Forget global warming; there’s nothing we can do about that now (sorry, Greta et al). The peril we currently face has nothing to do with carbon emissions. André Leon Talley tried to warm us of this impending disaster. But did we listen? No. And now, tragically, we’ve allowed a dangerous build-up of too much fashion to occur. Right before our very eyes. And if something isn’t done to mitigate this awards fashion disaster, immediately, we risk losing the very carpet upon which they play out. I don’t even think Andre, in all his great wisdom, could have predicted that (still?) it-girl Anya Taylor-Joy would be personally responsible for 68% of the noxious plumes of excess fashion at last night’s BAFTA Awards, the runoff of which is polluting the Thames with a literal blanket of velvety tan sludge.
Cate Blanchett Calls For The End Of Televised Awards Shows While Accepting A Critics Choice Award On The CW…
The Critics Choice Awards aired on The CW last night, and a not-so-surprising guest crashed that shit like, “Bitch, I’m STILL here.” I’m talking about COVID-19. Nominees Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Jamie Lee Curtis, as well as presenter Michelle Pfeiffer, had to sit the show out after testing positive for Coronavirus. COVID-19 didn’t fuck with Cate Blanchett, though. She showed up to last night’s ceremony, won Best Actress for her performance in Tár, and used some of her time on stage to praise all actresses in the business and also declared that we need to finally call the time of death on the “televised horse race” known as awards shows. And then Cate galloped away with her Critics Choice Award in hand to place it right next to her two Oscars, three BAFTAs, four Golden Globes, three SAG Awards, and many other horse race prizes.
Did somebody say FASHUN?!? Well, say it louder next time, I don’t think the folks in the back heard you over the din of shitfaced celebrities using the Golden Globes’ phenomenal flame out last year as an excuse to load up on free champagne, talk shit, and network with fellow survivors of the Great Los Angeles Deluge of 2023. However, a few stars heard the call to bare arms (regretfully, ladies only. Where was Timothée Chalamet with his scrumptious little back meats!?) and used the opportunity to challenge their stylists to come up with a look that simultaneously screams “I’m the greatest star” and “I am being pranked by my stylist, aren’t I.” Meanwhile, the real jackasses pulling one over on these celebrities are the goon-squad of aestheticians going around convincing them to donate their precious buccal fat reserves “for charity.” Sad truth is that only a tiny portion of their donations actually make it to starving children in need. Sorry, Wednesday‘s Jenna Ortega, your generous donation is now just padding for some ghoul’s pocket. Also, I think your parachute got a little turned around. Must have been the wind.
Billy Eichner may have seen this news and relaxed after calling out the Straights™ for not buying tickets to his gay romantic comedy Bros, which bombed at the box office. Because well, David O’Russell‘s Amsterdam bombed hard too. The star-studded film had a production budget of $80 million but only made $6.5 million at this past weekend’s box office. It did worse in theatres than Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile.
When I heard THE QUEEN was sharing the April cover of British Vogue with THE QUEEN’S Gambit star Anya Taylor-Joy, I figured the two were posing together. Both pouting and play-fighting over the crown, maybe even… partially clothed? And the headline would be something like, “She’s Not Dead Yet!” Alas, the actual issue is two “special twin covers.” One with present-day Anya, the other with THE QUEEN circa 1957. Vogue says it’s a “platinum salute” to the 70th anniversary of THE QUEEN’S accession, aka the Platinum Jubilee. Sigh. Missed opportunity, but whatever.
The Northman stars Alexander Skarsgard as a ripped AF Viking returning home to reclaim his kingdom, save his Viking Queen mother played by Nicole Kidman and get revenge on Javier Bardem for playing Desi Arnaz. Oh, wait, sorry no–getting my movies mixed up. But he is getting revenge on his uncle who betrayed his Viking King father. So it’s The Lion King but violent and with Vikings and I’m assuming no musical numbers.