Two carpets, both alike in dignity
(In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil shoes make civil rugs unclean.
It’s crazy how those words by William Shakespeare are still as true today as they were in 1996 when we finally understood them thanks to Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet. And this morning, as the sun rose over the detritus of last night’s Oscars celebrations, one carpet emerged victorious and unblemished by the unsightly stains of blood and mud and whatever it was that Fine Ass Jonathan Majors had in his tiny silver sipping cup. For reasons we may only understand after Baz makes a movie about it, after weeks of torrential rain, the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences decided this was the year to break with a 64-year tradition and pull the Red Carpet out from under our feet in exchange for a Champagne Industrial Rug. For revenge, Florence Pugh could barely be bothered to dress for the big event so she just brushed her ponytail to the front and grabbed a beige duvet cover out of the dirty laundry for the Oscars, saving her pink comforter for the Blue Carpet at the Vanity Fair after party.
It’s Oscar-winner Michelle Yeoh, now, bitches! Back in 2001, Halle Berry became the first woman of color to win Best Actress for Monster Ball, and last night, she took a trip down memory lane and presented 60-year-old Michelle as the second woman of color to win the award. Luckily for all of us, Halle has more restraint than Adrien Brody had with her, and she didn’t make out with Michelle against her will after the win.
The SAG Awards happened last night, and the only way to watch it was to watch it on Netflix’s YouTube Channel. Listen, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve shown it exclusively on TikTok and made the winners bust out TikTok dances or do TikTok challenges while accepting their trophy. Or Netflix could’ve turned the SAG Awards into a Squid Games-style challenge where nominees have to battle it out to the death for the trophy (that’s next year). But those who watched this year’s SAG Awards on Netflix’s YouTube Channel watched the cast of Everything Everywhere All at Once get their cardio in by picking up award after award. And one of EEAAO‘s stars, the legendary James Hong, showed us that at 94 years old, he’s still got IT by easily becoming the sparkling star of the night!
Cate Blanchett Calls For The End Of Televised Awards Shows While Accepting A Critics Choice Award On The CW…
The Critics Choice Awards aired on The CW last night, and a not-so-surprising guest crashed that shit like, “Bitch, I’m STILL here.” I’m talking about COVID-19. Nominees Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Jamie Lee Curtis, as well as presenter Michelle Pfeiffer, had to sit the show out after testing positive for Coronavirus. COVID-19 didn’t fuck with Cate Blanchett, though. She showed up to last night’s ceremony, won Best Actress for her performance in Tár, and used some of her time on stage to praise all actresses in the business and also declared that we need to finally call the time of death on the “televised horse race” known as awards shows. And then Cate galloped away with her Critics Choice Award in hand to place it right next to her two Oscars, three BAFTAs, four Golden Globes, three SAG Awards, and many other horse race prizes.
The now-tainted Golden Globes returned to NBC last night as foretold, and the 2023 Golden Globes did all they could to make us forget that just a few years ago the Hollywood Foreign Press Association voters were accepting trips to Paris seemingly in exchange for nominations. Well, now they’re trying the whole thing again, and I guess they’re reputable now? Well, they started off strong in terms of winning me over since they gave 60-year-old Michelle Yeoh the Best Actress for a Musical or Comedy last night, and any time goddess Michelle gets her flowers, I’m on board. However, they lost me again when they tried to play her off. Luckily, she’s a martial artist and threatened to whoop their asses, and the band shut that nonsense down and let her finish.
Choices, choices, choices! When did there get to be so many choices? Earlier this month at the People’s Choice Awards, the People had their say and chose Mariska Hargitay to get upstaged by Kathy Hilton and Olivia Wilde’s nipples. And now it’s time for the Critics to nominate their choices for future choosing at the 2023 Critics Choice Awards. And maybe because the Critics are canonically more critical than the People, they’ve chosen Everything Everywhere All at Once over Olivia’s nipples, which along with Don’t Worry Darling, were left out of the choices for future choosing altogether. Why, in my day, three white men with cigars in a secret Hollywood backroom made all the choices over the flayed body of a virgin sacrifice, but nowadays, it seems, everybody gets to choose!