Category: Salma Hayek

Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor

July 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.

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Salma Hayek’s Billionaire Husband Surprised Her With A Vow Renewal

August 29, 2018 / Posted by:

Salma Hayek has been married to Francois-Henri Pinault, billionaire fashion mogul and CEO of the company that owns luxury brands like Gucci, since 2009. She always talks about how Linda Evangelista’s baby father is her soulmate and how “#luckyinlove” they are. Well, I guess the feeling is mutual because he surprised her with a vow renewal ceremony while they were luxuriating in Bora Bora.

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Now For The Drama, Glamour, And WTF-ery Of The Oscars Red Carpet

March 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.

If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my  plastic recyclables from my paper.

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Emma Watson Wore A “Times Up” Tattoo To The Vanity Fair Oscar Party 

March 5, 2018 / Posted by:

While the Golden Globes was all about #MeToo, BuzzFeed points out that the Oscars were a bit more relaxed with it. Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra, and Salma Hayek did talk about Time’s Up a bit during the ceremony, in Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue, he tore into Harvey  Weinstein and how tone deaf Hollywood had been by joking, “Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women. They made a movie called What Women Want and it literally starred Mel Gibson.” I’m sure that pissed off Mel’s BFF4L Jodie Foster, and I’m sure she wanted to hit Jimmy with her crutch over.

There seemed to be fewer Time’s Up pins on dresses and jackets. But Emma Watson tried to represent the movement with a most likely temporary tattoo, but she got dragged for not running her tattoo idea through Microsoft Word spellcheck because it lacked an apostrophe.

Her “Time’s Up” was a sad “Times Up,” which everyone knows is how you lose a fight in the family text thread. No matter if you made the most logical argument as to why you should get to skip Christmas at home this year, the first sign of lackluster punctuation shows you’re an ignoramus and everyone’s punching bag for the next seven years. Great work, Emma! Time’s Up is ruined because you missed apostrophe class at Brown!

Here’s more of Emma and her “Times Up” tattoo and baby bangs last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

“Get Out” Won Best Picture At The Independent Spirit Awards (And WTF Is Timothée Chalamet Wearing?)

March 4, 2018 / Posted by:

He looks like if Damien from The Omen got a job at Jiffy Lube. That’s current Hollywood slobber object Timothee Chalamat holding his statue for Best Male Lead for his part as a teenage twink in love with a much older dude in Call Me By Your Name. The Independent Spirit Awards were held yesterday. Variety reports that Jordan Peele’swhite people really ARE evil!” horror/comedy/satire Get Out won for Best Feature and Best Director, and honestly, why is Timothee dressed like a gas station attendant? Surely choosing an outfit for these things isn’t that much of a stressor that you say “eff it” and go with coveralls?

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Mostly Everyone Did Black At The BAFTAs With Varying Degrees Of Success

February 19, 2018 / Posted by:

It would have been a nearly all-black fashion show at the BAFTAs in London last night, in honor of the Time’s Up movement. But the class average was brought down by Duchess Kate (who was prevented from wearing black by royal no-politics protocol), and Frances McDormand (who just didn’t feel like it and showed up in pink-on-black instead).

For mostly everyone else, it was a multitude of black. Or black with a random kick of not-black, like Allison Janney. And by random, I mean a satin choker bolero on top of a Bibhu Mohapatra dress. It looks like a shirt made from the bottom half of Roger the Alien from American Dad that was put on backwards and upside down.

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