Before today, if you had asked me to speculate about Trevor Noah’s personal life, I might stupidly guess that he was hooking up with CNN’s email server because Trevor knows anything and everything there is to know about the news, and especially politics. But People magazine says that he’s with Minka Kelly and things are “very serious.”
Hilary Duff was the first person in human history to say Gay Rights™ and now she’s about to save us from coronavirus. She’s done so much for us. She and other celebrities would like to remind the idiotic youths of the world that yes, you probably won’t die from coronavirus since it’s more deadly for people over 70 and those with immune or breathing issues, but someone else will die because they caught it from you, and that is the problem. Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift have also piped in to tell the kids to stay the fuck home.
The 2018 TIME 100 Gala was held last night in New York City to celebrate Time magazine’s annual list of the 100 most influential people. And whether the people were influential or not, the red carpet fashion pulled from a variety of sources. Like Leslie Jones in Christian Siriano, who is giving you Grace Jones after stopping at Studio 54 while thinking,”I wonder what the rent is on this place? Do they pay monthly or yearly? You know what, hand me my coke spoon and purse, I’m leaving to pursue a career in commercial real estate.”
Answer: Diddy gives a fuck, like a lot of fucks.
red beige and blue carpet posing portion of last night’s Met Gala, Diddy worked the cameras with his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again piece Cassie, and at one point he lounged on the steps like a man casually lounging on a display at Forever 21 while his girlfriend gets in a long line to try on a pair of jeans. That little smooth move brought out a dozen “Diddy Don’t Give A Fuck” headlines. Au contraire, bitch. Diddy does give a fuck and that shameless spotlight-shifting whore knew what he was doing.
Cassie stood there in a field of humongous ass sea urchins, working for those camera clicks, as Diddly easily got the cameras to move his way by casually strolling to the stairs for a little lounging time. Cassie’s dress is covered with giant plastic caterpillars (or are those giant Groucho Marx brows?) and Diddy gets all the attention by simply lounging like an evil vampire lounging on a velvet settee while eyeing his prey from across the room. Diddy wants us to think he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about her,” but we all know he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about moi.”
With that being said, I’d probably do the same thing, because standing is hard. And also, that dramatic lying down pose really does show off Diddy’s “Steven Seagal spending a casual afternoon at home” outfit.
And now we end our never-ending Mess Gala 2017 coverage with several dollops of hotness provided by the dudes of the night including ASkars, Riz Ahmed, Rami Malek and Luke Evans.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
Because we live in a time where every cringeworthy moment of our lives will live on forever thanks to the internet (example: that SANS FARDS picture of Katy Perry, a video of myself deep-throating a Choco Taco that won’t disappear no matter how hard I pray), it was only a matter of time before someone found something dirty on the new host of The Daily Show Trevor Noah. The New York Times says that shortly after he was named Jon Stewart’s successor yesterday, people who had no idea who Trevor Noah was decided to get a better idea of the new Daily Show host by reading some of his stuff on Twitter. Unfortunately, some of his tweets were not met with LOLs, and now people are pissed.
Most of them are from when he first started tweeting back in 2009, so of course they’re as regrettable as you can expect from a not-yet-famous person would be: