I would imagine the only thing eaten at the Met Gala is one’s words when Anna Wintour shows up in that same mother of the bride dress with a boa year after year and you have to pretend to like it or else never appear on Vogue again. The horror! Anyway, Tiffany Haddish seemed to confirm what we all thought: the only things served at a Met Gala are eye rolls and vodka waters. Tiffany arrived to last night’s camp-themed event looking like the Hamburglar with a Ramen wig topped with a hat I definitely have seen worn around town by some Paul Revere impersonators, but her weave wasn’t the only food she was packing. Tiff brought her secret chicken recipe for when she knew she wouldn’t get full from the menu of Tic-Tacs and self-loathing inside.
Fitting that I’m writing about Cher because you haven’t seen the last of me!
Most years it seems like 90% of the tricks who somehow get an invite to the Met Gala ignore the theme and just shamelessly promote themselves with a hot piece on their arm and perky chi-chis (just ask Tom Brady. His chi-chis are always perky and he avoids Met Gala theme). This year’s camp theme actually got some people adhering to the costume rule, but the night’s biggest surprise, however, came later when Cher (the actual Cher) showed up to sing.
The only thing more suspect than Tom Brady’s deflated balls is how he two-stepped over from pregnant ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan and got with Gisele Bundchen. Gisl has already blabbed in the past about how it was kind of messy (Tom and Bridget didn’t know she was pregnant when they split…but still) and even thought about dumping his ass. When Bridget named their kid John Edward Thomas (the same initials as New England Patriots rival the New York Jets), most people thought that was her saying exactly how she felt. Now, Bridget wrote an essay and seems to be kind of peachy with how things ended up. Dammit, what’s with all the happiness in this jaded world?!
While it takes some rich people (I’m looking at you, Brad and Angelina) eons to get divorced, Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife of over 25 years MacKenzie Bezos wasted no time. It took them just under three months and a few rumored peen pics to finalize what, at $137 BILLION, may be the most expensive divorce in U.S. history. Don’t worry, money doesn’t change people. They still have “great respect” and all that other dumb shit celebrities say about each other after breaking up.
Normally when Martha Stewart bolts from an event, I imagine it is because the walls of the venue are an unacceptable shade of gray, someone is trying to serve her a frozen pizza, or because someone in the audience smells of something that most certainly would NOT end up in the pages of Martha Stewart Living. Martha is on a book tour, and an anti-fur protestor interrupted a stop in New York City to protest Martha Stewart, who wasn’t wearing fur at the time, and Canada Goose, which had nothing to do with the event. Normal!
We all know Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was hiding coin (lots of coin) from Uncle Sam, and Uncle Sam is that bitch who reads your phone and goes through your mail when you sleep. It didn’t take the government long to charge Mike with tax fraud, and he went to the slammer in January. We haven’t heard much from The Sitch since then, but luckily he’s on a reality show with major blabbermouths. Snooki was interviewed recently and gave an update on Mike. Surprisingly, he’s viewing prison like a stay at Club Med.