It wasn’t that long ago when a great way to move papers was just to call John Mayer and ask him to talk about life (Sexual napalm! David Duke dick! Inspiring half the Taylor Swift songbook!) or just write about his love (?) life. John would like us to all know that is John 1.0. John 2.0 is a sensitive soul who is more at home at the Women’s March than the Playboy Mansion grotto.
Anyone who has been hungover on a Sunday the last few months and spent the day drooling on the couch watching whatever Netflix tells you will recognize Noah Centineo. The guy who seems and sounds like a mid-puberty Mark Ruffalo was the breakaway star of Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Ever Loved Before, and he even appeared in Camila Cabello’s “Havana” music video. People magazine noticed and have him in their “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. Noah was on James Corden’s Late Late Show with Busy Philipps the other night, and he said he’s single. Busy chimed in that it’s partly because he ghosted one of her friends, and – not only did it get awkward – Noah’s team is now being accused of trying to bury the evidence!
Shoe polish-hued skin and gorilla hair weaves don’t come cheap! There’s nothing the Internet loves more than cat videos except to drag idiots who post their weekly money diaries. In a move that is sure to make her accountant weep and Uncle Sam rub his hands together and bellow, “HERE WE GO AGAIN!”, Teresa Giudice felt the need to inform the general public she spends $22,077 on her beauty routine. Sorry, Juicy Joe. I guess there’s no money left for your legal fund!
If your British and want your powerless head of state to wear a “Bernie Bro” T-shirt and a #metoo pin, you’re shit out of luck with Prince Charles. Charlie somehow thinks he’s going to outlive THE QUEEN and have a shot at that throne, and he decided to let cameras follow him for a year to document how difficult his life is waiting in the wings. Charlie may be best known for his waiting game and for giving up the Princess Diana for Duchess Camilla, but he’s also an environmentalist and has used his title for a host of charitable causes. He says that goes out the window the moment he dons the crown. Ha!
Whenever I’ve dealt with a breakup in the past, it’s usually involved sitting in pajamas for a few weeks eating pints of ice cream and sipping bourbon while a sad playlist plays on a loop. Y’know – the normal way to do it! If you’re Ariana Grande, I guess you write a song, get into some First Wiives Club cosplay and perform in front of Ellen DeGeneres’ audience. Ariana performed “thank u, next” and “breathin’” while on Ellen’s show, but she seemed to get a little weepy and even tripped during her latest song that’s a surprisingly positive song about her list of exes.
Just when Duchess Kate was getting over that Swiss harlot debacle of 2017 with Prince William, she has NEW competition – and I’d actually be nervous over this one! I’m no Brit, but I’d bet on Emma Thompson for leading British treasure just after Paddington Bear, THE QUEEN, and fish ‘n chips. Those pesky royals finally caught on and decided to give Emma a dame status that will put her in the same pointless title sorority as Dames Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, and Helen Mirren. Alas, it sounds like Emma’s daming ceremony (or whatever they call it) was more fun than the other three because she tried to lock lips with William!