Kids, they’re such ingrates! You ALLEGEDLY crash one little fuel truck and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy. Us Weekly is reporting that Maddox Jolie-Pitt (now 18) and his pops, William Bradley Pitt, are estranged-er than a motherfucker. To the point where “Maddox doesn’t really see himself as Brad’s son”, according to a source, one who possibly has long, lustrous hair, smells of the jungle after a cooling rain, and has Us Weekly on speed dial.
We spent all this time in eager anticipation of The Lohanaissance, but we never thought to ready ourselves for the real second coming, the Age Of Ang-lightenment. While Brad Pitt’s out here dodging lips and being fawned over by the horny masses after flashing his abs in Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, his soon to be ex-wife Angelina Jolie’s got some flashing of her own to do. If you think Angie’s given her body over to motherhood and floor length cardigans, think again! Angie’s starring in a pair of perfume ads for french brand Mon Guerlain, and they are all the way EROTIC. But don’t get it twisted. Angie’s not just a sexual being, she’s also a serious business woman who does very important business things! Yes ladies, you CAN have it all.
Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.
Back in April, we learned that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s never-ending messy divorce fight was almost over. They had legally became single, but weren’t officially divorced. We now have a singular, just one, update to that. Oh, who am I kidding? We’re in for more stories ,aren’t we? This one is about how Brad is trying to get the divorce moving so he’s giving Angie an “ultimatum”. Well, maybe their negotiations over money and assets will go better than the one over their kids? …I definitely don’t believe that but… I felt I needed to say it.
Most people agree that Keanu Reeves is pretty much the best. He’s kind, humble, and reportedly, immortal. So far, there’s been no dark force in all the universe that’s been able to tarnish people’s love for him. Until now. Fansided reports that Keanu is in talks to take a role in the upcoming Marvel film The Eternals, which as we know, features Angelina Jolie. I’ve said it before and I still believe it to be a real possibility: The most Angelina thing to do now that’s she’s a single woman, would be to have a torrid affair with a coworker. Previously I worried that married man Kumail Nanjiani might become her unwitting prey. But now I’m more worried about Keanu. Even though he’s single, his status as World’s Most Beloved Unproblematic Fave, might make him just the big game Angelina needs to achieve her diabolical second act. Beware The (Home) Reckoning!
Angelina Jolie And Her Prosthetic Cheekbones Are Back In The Teaser Trailer For “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil”
Angelina Jolie’s vindictive demon hell-bent on revenge is back! “Pfft, some might say she never left” scoffed Brad Pitt to himself, I’m sure. Disney released the first official teaser trailer for Maleficent 2 yesterday. As we already knew, it’s actually called Maleficent: Mistress of Evil, which still sounds like a less-interesting, lawsuit-dodging rip-off of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. Now we get to see Angelina’s Maleficent in action once again. Careful you don’t cut yourself on those cheekbones, they’re just as sharp as you remember.