If your eyeballs have a case of the Mondays, then it may have looked like Britney Spears was throwing up a period-tipped middle finger, and you probably guessed that was directed at her dad/soon-to-be-ex-conservator Jamie Spears. But that’s Brit Brit’s hitchin’ finger (which looks like it’s actually her right ring finger but the image is probably flipped or Brit Brit’s starting a new trend).
Just a quick minute before this year’s MTV VMAs (or as us olds know it as, “that time of year when we scream, ‘Who are these fetuses?!'”), Britney snatched the spotlight by announcing on Instagram that her boyfriend of nearly five years, Sam Asghari, is now her betrothed. And as Daddy Spears prolapses with rage, Starbucks has begun working on a stunning wedding dress made out of Venti paper cups, a bridal version of their Starbucks mermaid crown, and a magnificent Frapp-flavored wedding cake.
Britney and Sam got together in 2016 after he played the role of her hot piece in the video for her song Slumber Party. And while looking like she just time-traveled from a Contempo Casuals dressing room circa 1996 (in other words, she gave us timeless sophistication), 39-year-old Britney announced that 27-year-old Sam is going to be her third husband with just a flash of a diamond ring. Brit Brit was married to Jason “Not Costanza” Alexander for 55 hours in 2004 and to KFed from 2004 to 2007.
Britney and Sam’s engagement news was actually as shocking as a 13-year-old me telling my little friend, “I don’t think I’m into girls, really.” My friend is still paralyzed with shock, to this day. When Britney told the court in June that she wanted to end her 13-year conservatorship, she said that she wants to get married and birth out another Cheetoling. And earlier this month, the paps just so happened to catch Sam looking at diamond rings at Cartier. If that wasn’t a big enough clue, a picture of a diamond ring, engraved with the word “lioness” (Sam’s nickname for Brit), ended up in Sam’s Instagram Stories on Friday:
SAM GOT BRITNEY A RING WITH THE WORD LIONESS ON IT IN A NOW DELETED POST 😭💍🦁💜 pic.twitter.com/KEgN2EegwE
— Fan Account (@TheSpearsRoom) September 10, 2021
After the post was deleted, Sam claimed he was hacked. I believed him for a second since that diamond was not the gorgeous color of whipped cream melting into a Frapp. But Sam was telling lies since he wasn’t hacked. After Sam and Britney posted about their happy news, his manager, Brandon Cohen, kept the engagement promo going by confirming it to People and shouting out the maker of her engagement ring:
“The couple made their long-standing relationship official today and are deeply touched by the support, dedication and love expressed to them,” said Cohen, adding that Spears’ new ring was designed by N.Y.C. jeweler Roman Malayev.
“He couldn’t be happier to be involved and make this one-of-a-kind ring,” added Cohen.
If you really need to see Brit’s ring from every angle and need to know every detail about it, the maker of it has got it covered. And yes, they’ve named it “The Britney.”
As some thought to themselves, “Oh, I see that the ring was paid for with some promo,” Octavia Spencer slipped into the comments of Britney’s post and became the voice of reason by telling her to get a damn prenup:
Sam obviously heard Octavia and made a prenup joke:
But TMZ says that Britney ain’t joking about a prenup and her team is already working to protect her reported $60 million fortune.
Congrats to Brit Brit and Sam Sam! But with that being said, somebody really needs to check on Chester Cheetah, because he’s probably in the fetal position in a puddle of Cheeto tears over Britney’s ring having the word “lioness” engraved on it instead of the word “cheetahness.” The BRITrayal of it all!