Glenn Close deserves another award for acting like she’s grateful to tie with that lesser!
WTF was redefined twice last night at the Critics’ Choice Awards when two categories saw ties. TIES! There was a tie for Best Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television when both Amy Adams (for Sharp Objects) and Patricia Arquette (for Escape at Dannemora) won. And the legendary Glenn Close tied for Best Actress in a movie with amateur actress Lady Gaga. Glenn Close is a professional, so she didn’t do what she should’ve done, which is to sashay up to the mic and say, “You hate me. You really fucking hate me!”
There was lots of glamour, color, and levity on display on the red carpet for last night’s Critics’ Choice Awards. And I’m going to go ahead and give all the credit to Judith Light. Judith set the tone, and everybody else did their level best to match her energy. There was probably a panicked buzz of “Judith Light, Judith Light, Judith Light” spreading among Hollywood stylists when they realized she was going to be there, forcing everyone to step up their game. Nobody quite got there, but they tried and that’s what counts. Ultimately, posing through Christian Siriano-made polka dots the size of dinner plates, Judith put all the kids on blast. If Judith wanted to be a real pal, she should have given a posing tutorial before the red carpet. Some people could really have used the help (see after the cut).
If you happen to see Emma Thompson, Emma Bunton, Emma Stone or any other famous Emma strolling into Lena Dunham’s hair salon (aka Superfuglycuts), immediately scream at their asses to think of their hair and to not do it. Because it seems like all of the famous Emmas are getting their bangs butchered as they though they were a toddler whose drunk, lazy mom cut her hair with rusty pruning shears (or whose mom really hates her and wants her to get made fun of at school). First Emma Watson got baby bangs, and now Emma Roberts is out there looking like a Vulcan-ized white Cleopatra. Baby bangs: it’s an emmademic!
Emma’s on-and-off-again fiancé/boyfriend/whatever Evan Peters was nominated for Best Actor in a Movie/Miniseries (for American Horror Story: Cult) at last night’s Critics’ Choice Awards. Evan may have lost to Ewan McGregor for Fargo, but his fiancée/girlfriend/whatever unofficially won an award For Most Tragic Fringe Job thanks to that American Horror Story: Bangs shit terrorizing her forehead. Maybe Emma was feeling charitable last night and wanted to give her haters some easy ammunition by doing her hair like the Queen of the Trash People?
It’s obvious that Emma’s bangs are of the clip-on kind, and so I feel sorry for the bottomless hula girl doll whose grass skirt was stolen from her and slapped on Emma’s head. But if Emma really did do that to her hair for real, I shouldn’t make fun of her. I mean, it’s better that she’s fucking up her bangs instead of fucking up her boyfriend.
Hollywood decided to wear black at the Golden Globes last Sunday night in silent protest of the industry’s sexual assault problem. But four days later, most Hollywood people at the Critics’ Choice Awards went with color.
Kate Bosworth didn’t wear color, but she did wear a mess. Kate is wearing a dress by Brock Collection, but if I hadn’t been told who made her dress, I’d assume she went into a formal event showroom on a particularly dry day, collected too much static electricity while trying on a bridal gown with her socks on, and accidentally left the store with a child’s christening gown that was stuck to her. The best part is that the fun didn’t end when Kate turned around.
James Franco is really in a pickle at the moment. It’s awards season, and he’s winning trophies for his role in The Disaster Artist. James was nominated for Best Actor and Best Actor in a Comedy at the Critics’ Choice Award, which was held yesterday in Santa Monica. On the same day, five women publicly came forward with sexual misconduct accusations against him. So what’s an alleged creep to do? James decided to bail on the Critics’ Choice Awards.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.