Forget Madonna (done!). Jennifer Lopez is the true queen of reinvention. She’s gone from a celeb who loves Ben Affleck, to a star who loves Marc Anthony, to a famous person who loves A-Rod, to a showbiz icon who, once again, loves Ben Affleck. The woman just loves
attention love! Over the weekend, Mrs. Affleck posted a TikTok of her and Ben cuddling, set to the sound of a kid saying, “Guys, I did it! I found the person that makes me the happiest I have ever been.” So far, the video has 8.5 million views, and a good chunk of those viewers are voicing the same concern: is Ben Affleck… okay?
As Ben and Jennifer Lynn Affleck continued to terrorize store clerks in Italy, Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide probably experienced a rush of customers this week looking to bring a little JLo glamor into their lives after Jen shared AUTHORIZED photos of their Georgia wedding reception’s “rustic country-chic” decor and her myriad outfit changes to subscribers of her On the JLo newsletter. I pity the poor BB&B employees across this great nation who had to tell hoards of Bennifriends that Jen had already cleaned them out of every stitch of Live, Laugh, Love merchandise, and in fact, caused an international shortage of that font. And now People has the pictures so hopefully, folks will be satisfied with throw pillows and distressed wood signs that read “Love Never Fails” in a Papyrus font instead, at least until Avatar 2 comes out and there’s a run on that font too. After that Bennifriends are down to the dregs, and there’s really nothing funny or romantic about “Love is Patient” written in Comic Sans. OK, it’s kind of funny.
Page Six has some bitchy-ass sources and one of them is coming for newly married 50-year-old Ben Affleck. Ben married 53-year-old Jennifer Lopez AGAIN over a week ago in a fancy ceremony that was purely for spectacle because their Vegas nuptials already sealed the deal and renamed JLo, Jennifer Lynn Affleck. But previously, his marriage to 50-year-old Jennifer Garner featured the actress picking his ass up off the floor and hauling him to rehab, and generally taking care of his raggedy ass. But that’s all Jennifer Lynn Affleck’s problem now! And sources say Our Unproblematic Queen, Jennifer Garner, is now chilling and only has to take care of the kids that she actually birthed instead of her “fourth child,” Ben.
While Ben Affleck Galavants In Paris, Jennifer Garner Is “Getting Quite Close” With Her Burger Boyfriend
For the past four years, Jennifer Garner and her Robot Burger Man, CaliBurger CEO John Miller, have been “getting serious.” In that same span of time, her ex Ben Affleck has gone from “beaming” with Ana de Armas, to being “head over heels in love and in this for the long term,” with Ana, to being “in different points in their lives” with Ana, to being “a perpetually glum cuckold” with Ana, to talking about being having felt “trapped” in his marriage to Jennifer, to being “just friends” with Jennifer Lopez, to having enabled the “the first clear shots” with JLo on a balcony, to being “madly in love” with JLo, to “looking at massive homes” with JLo, to being “in it for the long haul” with JLo, to exchanging “shock nuptials at a Las Vegas wedding chapel” with JLo, to “sleeping with his mouth wide open in public” on his honeymoon with some woman named Jennifer Lynn Affleck. However, Jen the First is catching up quickly! Us Weekly reports that she and John are now “getting quite close!”
Ben Affleck and the newly crowned Jennifer Lynn Affleck (a.k.a Jennifer Lopez) have taken their marriage on tour and are currently
stunting vacationing in Europe. If the world doesn’t yet know that they’re officially together, they will visit every country on earth to make it known! They touched down in France a few days ago and put on a SHOW for the people. We expect no less from the earth’s premier pap stroll trailblazers. However, it looks like the 5,243,000 photos they took to document their love knocked the wind out of Ben as he was caught sleeping on the job. Someone get this man a Box O’ Joe from Dunkin’ Donuts before JLo finds out!
Cold Feet no more! Ben Affleck’s been warming his footies by slapping the white-hot pavement on the ho-stroll friendly streets of Paris with his “for better” new bride, Mrs. Jennifer Lynn Affleck, “for worse” known as Jennifer Lopez. Even though it seems like Mr. and Mrs. Affleck have been in the honeymoon stage of their relationship since Jen was practically still engaged to A-Rod, they’ve made it official by taking their literal honeymoon to the most obvious place on the planet. When you’re as busy as these two, who has time for originality? Jen probably makes these decisions on the fly by playing word association with one of her assistants. Quickie wedding to lock it down: “um, um, um, Las Vegas drive-thu!” Good! Next, name a honeymoon location with excellent pap coverage: “Paris!” Perfect, you nailed it! Now, here’s a tough one: People Magazine cover worthy wedding venue: “C’mon, that’s easy. Ben’s plantation-style Big House in Georgia, duh.” Um, want to try that one again, Jen? No? Just gonna go ahead with that one? Are you sure? OK lady, you’re the boss.