The Internet Has Discovered That Ellie Kemper Was Crowned The 1999 Queen Of A Ball Linked To White Supremacy
You may know Ellie Kemper as Erin from The Office, or as the titular unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, or even one of Jon Hamm’s former high school drama class students. But the internet just discovered that she was the Queen of Love and Beauty of the 1999 Veiled Prophet Ball. And it’s probably one that she really didn’t want anyone to be adding, due to the fact that the Veiled Prophet Ball is a little KKK-adjacent. To think, just 48 hours ago, the weirdest little-known fact about Ellie Kemper was that her family is insanely wealthy.
They really could just do the theme songs as far as I’m concerned, but ABC is going all out again for Live In Front Of A Studio Audience which will air next Wednesday. Last year, LIFOASA presented All In The Family and The Jeffersons. This year, according to Deadline, AITF is coming back, but they’ve replaced The Jeffersons with Why Ain’t Florida Evans Thicc? I mean, Good Times featuring Viola Davis as Florida Evans and Andre Braugher as the doomed James Evans.
Disney executives probably have a two-item checklist when it comes to generating content for Disney Plus. #1, do we own it? #2, did it make money? If they can answer yes to both questions, it’s getting made. No matter how unnecessary or dumb. Which brings us to the news that, according to Variety, the planned Home Alone reboot has been cast. No plot details explaining how a child could be left alone to commit attempted murder without Alexa narcing on him, were provided. But given that most of their offerings (BABY YODA EXCLUDED) are engineered to be watched repeatedly from the back of an SUV on a tiny sticky screen so that parents can take some time for themselves to engage in a perpetual fight over something stupid that is really just an expression of thier personal regrets, grudges, and dissatisfaction with the choices they’ve made, it just doesn’t matter .(Wait does Disney own Meatballs? NM, it doesn’t matter.) Ellie Kemper, Rob Delaney, and that cute little boy with glasses from Jojo Rabbit (Archie Yates) will have the honor of lulling your children to sleep while you fight.
Any questions you may have had about the 4th season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Did New York ever fully recover from Hurricane Tammi (with an I)? Did Boobs in California inevitably go double platinum?) have now been replaced with one: WHY??? Because that’s all I can ask after finding out that the 4th season of Netflix’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt will be the last.
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
People magazine says that Ellie Kemper – aka Kimmy Schmidt from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Erin from The Office – has given birth to the baby she made with her husband Michael Koman. That’s all People knows: that a baby was living inside Ellie, and now it’s living on the outside. No other information than that. No name. No sex. No weight. Like, did she have a regular 6lb 3oz baby, or a giant 12lb behemoth fetus? Did it come out looking like Wendy from the restaurant Wendy’s? These are the important details.
But of course someone managed to spill the details of Ellie’s birth. And in a very “Titus Andromedon totally would” move, it was done on Facebook by Ellie’s Kimmy Schmidt co-star Tituss Burgess.
Thanks to Tituss, we know that Ellie’s baby is a boy. We also learned that people from the south allegedly have the ability to both predict and identify when someone is knocked up. That’s odd; I’ve seen at least three episodes of TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant that took place in the south.
So congratulations to Ellie Kemper. And my sincerest condolences to Tituss. The Emmy committee is totally going to take back that Best Supporting Actor nomination they gave him last month. It’s pretty clear from the eight layers of melodramatic poetry in that birth announcement that he’s not acting when he plays Titus Andromedon; he is Titus Andromedon.