The Olsen Twins are known for charging an exorbitant amount of money to only the most foolish “fashionable” people who are rich and stupid enough to think that some of the stuff these millionaire twins try to call high-fashion is worth it. Such as this $3,320 “oversized shirt dress” you can spend three-months rent and utilities on, or you could just save yourself the financial hit and mug an Amish woman. Or this “iona caftan dress” you could either spend $1,590 on, or cut out the middle man and just go to IKEA, cut some holes into a $19.99 VÄGMÅLLA throw and call it a day.
Well, the Olsens are no fools, and they know that even though peasants are gross and smell weird and can’t afford to have custom bowls of cigarettes as centerpieces at their wedding, they still buy things. So to get some of that sweet-sweet middle and lower-class pie, the Olsens are teaming up with Kohl’s to begin exclusively selling their “cheaper” brand, Elizabeth & James.
There were some real upside down and sideways looks on display at the The Council of Fashion Designers of America awards in NYC last night. Most notably Whoopi Goldberg giving us Little Bo Peep who lost her sheep and was forced to go to the big city and take out a bank loan for more, wearing her best Big Business suit. The added bonus of that suit is that those giant bell bottoms probably ring so damn loud, the sheep should have no problem finding their way back home.
Other notable looks included: Cate Blanchett‘s tuxedo/ baked potato/ butcher’s apron combo, and the night’s host Issa Rae’s belt that read “Every Nigga Is A Star”. All of those looks and more are in the gallery but for now, we’ve got plenty of high fashion to keep us in “what is going on here”s for a week.
You can always be sure of three things at the Met Gala: some bitches are going to completely disregard the theme, Anna Wintour (pics of her below) will wince her way down the red carpet as though she’s running a list of what interns she’s going to sacrifice for inviting one too many a-Kardashian to her big night, and the Olsen twins will scowl their way down…as though photographers are shouting at them the names of all their straight-to-VHS movies from the 90s. Nobody disappointed last night!
Even though last night’s theme was “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination,” Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen arrived looking like their invitation said the theme was “Coachella Hair and Solstice Party Muumuus.” People says Mary-Kate rocked the all-black get-up, which I guess is a nod to a nun’s habit? Ashley’s multicolored fashion is a nod to the divorcee seeking forgiveness from the nun? Or maybe she just got her events confused and was hoping the Sorting Hat would take one look at her and let her join Harry, Hermione, and Ron in Gryffindor?
The pair of Rachel Zoe horcruxes rocked Stephen Webster jewelry, and Vogue notes the boho lewk is actually vintage Paco Rabanne. The twins typically stay out of the limelight, and the Met Gala is usually the one night out of the year they go out in public and try to teach Posh Spice how a veteran is really supposed to serve pained expression to the paparazzi. ‘Til next year’s theme, which is…aw, who cares. The Olsen invitation will still read “Coachella Hair and Solstice Party Muumuus.”
America’s most high profile bag ladies, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, were bridesmaids at close friend/watch designer Cassie Coane’s wedding this weekend, where the dress code for all the gals was simply floral (groundbreaking!). Rookie mistake, Cass! You never give an Olsen twin an open-ended FAHSHUN command, because one of them inevitably is going to arrive wearing some $10 million piece of WTF that looks like a Sunday school arts and crafts project. Sure enough, while Ashley kind of kept it basic with a black cocktail dress that included what People calls a “statement sleeve,” Mary-Kate threw on what looks like a comforter stolen from the bed of a 1960s-era Woodstock Holiday Inn. The kimono was paired with green mules, floral headband, and the signature Olsen scowl. One of the wedding attendees even managed to catch the
Loch Ness Monster twins smiling on camera:
The upstate New York bash seems like pretty standard Olsen fare: Paleo cooking over an open flame where the poor chefs had to wear old-timey costumes (“What?! I’m dressed like a half-ass geisha! I’m in on the fun, too!” -Mary Kate), orange flower necklaces for the bridesmaids that most certainly never touched a pristine Olsen décolletage, and personalized watercolor illustrationzzzzz. There was no word on what time Mary-Kate’s shift at Benihana started later that night or whether some smartass had the balls to project It Takes Two onto a nearby Hudson River Valley barn, but a boy can dream!
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
The theme of tonight’s Meth Gala was Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons, and I guess to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, “Japanese avante-garde” means looking like vampires circa the 9th century who troll the shores of Scandinavia for passed-out and drunk vikings to suck the souls out of. Or maybe Mary-Kate and Ashley weren’t even planning to go to the Meth Gala tonight. They just so happened to be in the neighborhood, hunting for squirrels to suck the blood out of, when they saw that a little party was going on at the Met and so they casually walked on in. I mean, if you told me that these ensembles are Mary-Kate and Ashley’s casual Monday night outfits, I wouldn’t accuse you of lying.
I don’t even know why the Olsens go to the Met Gala anymore. It feels beneath them, and besides, there’s no souls for them to nibble on. Practically everybody who goes to the Met Gala doesn’t have a soul since that sold that shit years ago.
And even though it looks like they didn’t even try tonight, they still won, because looking like a cross between “5200 year old Celtic witches trapped in the bodies of hairless raccoons” and “twin E.T.s in Miss Havisham drag” is really and truly the look.