Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Gender Reveals Wreaking Havoc On Your Italian Feast

January 23, 2019 / Posted by:

Everyone’s Nona is pouring a triple-sized glass of Chianti because gender-reveal parties are taking a disgraceful bite out of what she spends all weekend making for Sunday dinner. Gender-reveal parties have truly gotten out of hand. There was the couple in Arizona who shot a target loaded with blue gun powder – and then sparked a wildfire that destroyed 45,000 acres of land and caused $8 million in damages. There were the morons who had an alligator eat blue or pink Jell-O…before the gator started getting close to a child at the party (don’t worry – the kid’s fine…the parents aren’t in the head). Hell, sometimes they even feature Bill Murray. Now there’s a company called Villa Italian Kitchen who will cater your gender-reveal party with gender-reveal lasagna. Mmmm pink ricotta and mozzarella – just like they do it in Rome!

The gender-reveal lasagna costs $139 and feeds 12. It also comes with a side of salad and garlic rolls, so at least there are carb options that don’t come doused in food coloring. Villa Italian Kitchen says this stuff is made to order, which I think just means they make some high school student working the afternoon shift take whatever frozen pasta goes with the gender of your kid and then orders them to reheat it by the time you’re ready to pick it up.

ABC 15 in Arizona says it gets better: if you post an Instagram with your lasagna-reveal party, you could even win a quarterly catering giveaway. Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather just do this by getting drunk at Olive Garden and telling my mom, “It’s girl,” sometime between the 14th and 15th.course of unlimited soup and breadsticks.

Pic: Villa Italian Kitchen

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Open Post: Hosted By The Kidz Bop Version Of “In My Feelings”

January 22, 2019 / Posted by:

I am blessedly child-free so I only have to endure insipid children’s programming when I’m with my 5-year-old niece who inexplicably loves something called PJ Masks. I tried to get her to explain the appeal to me, but it was kind of like trying to get a straight answer out of Lindsay Lohan about that kidnapping attempt. Pointless and confusing. Thankfully, the dear child enjoys a wider variety of music than she does in TV. She listens to all kinds of grown up music like Bruno Mars. She also likes Bruno Mars, Bruno Mars, and Bruno Mars. As far as I know, she hasn’t discovered Drake yet, and that’s good because I don’t trust him around children. But apparently she’s in the minority; kids go gaga for Drake, despite the fact that his lyrics often touch on adult subject matters like God and (ALLEGEDLY) fucking Kim Kardashian. Enter Kidz Bop 39 Feat. “In My Feelings”, making Drake safe for the juice box set.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Return Of Carrie Bradshaw

January 21, 2019 / Posted by:

We may have been spared from another terrible Sex And The City movie (thanks, Kim Cattrall!), but it seems like that isn’t going to keep Sarah Jessica Parker from being a grown-ass woman in a tutu who talks in puns and start sentences with “I couldn’t help but wonder…” SJP Instagrammed a video over the weekend and confirmed Carrie is coming back for a “brief reappearance.” Ugh, reading that has me feeling like my lunch is about to make a brief reappearance, too.

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Open Post: Hosted By Timothée Chalamet Rapping About Math As “Lil’ Timmy Tim”

January 20, 2019 / Posted by:

He’s not THAT bad. Wouldn’t you rather listen to “Lil’ Timmy Tim” as opposed to Kanye? When Timothée Chalamet was a high school kid at some prestigious performing arts school in Manhattan (which was probably, like, yesterday), he had to take Statistics. This is disappointing because you would figure you would go to a Fame-type school to AVOID math.

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Open Post: Hosted By Madonna And Her New Look

January 18, 2019 / Posted by:

I guess Madonna is done getting attention by terrorizing eulogies at major awards shows and has to come up with a new gimmick, so why not remind people of the Erotica years?! Madge has been a blonde for most of her career, named a tour after ‘dem blonde locks, and hell, she’s probably known for her hair color as much as she is for sucking the life out of rising pop princesses.

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