Avatar: The Way Of Water has already made $1 billion at the worldwide box office, and apparently, this successful action movie was all done with James Cameron specifically editing out over 10 minutes of footage because he doesn’t want to contribute to glorifying gun violence. Wow… it’s actually inconceivable there is any more footage that can exist of this 3-hour and 12 minutes-long movie. Just how fucking long was this thing going to be before it got edited down? James also put on his mourning veil over the loss of all the movies he wasn’t able to make because his brain was deep in everything Na’vi.
James Cameron Laughs At Matt Damon Losing Out On $250 Million By Not Being A Part Of The First “Avatar”
Back in the day, Matt Damon was supposed to be in the first Avatar movie, but he couldn’t make it work because he had to do the final Bourne film. Because of it, he missed out on a huge payout since Avatar went on to make more than $2 billion and would have earned Matt a payday in the hundreds of millions from percentage earnings. Since the sequel, Avatar: The Way Of Water, is out now, director James Cameron is busy doing all the press about it and also thanking himself for representing women so amazingly. During the press rounds, he was asked about Matt’s joke that he’ll go down in history as the actor who turned down the most money in the world. James’ thoughts? “Get over it!”–which is probably the same thing Matt’s daughter told him when he had to stop saying the F-slur.
James Cameron Says His Pregant Na’vi Warrior In “Avatar: The Way Of Water” Is “The Last Bastion For Female Empowerment”
In addition to the dazzling images on a huge aquamarine screen that James Cameron has promised us, he also promises that Avatar: The Way of Water does more to depict “female empowerment” than “Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel” because one of the blue aliens he made up in his mind is “a female warrior who’s six months pregnant.” OK, James! We see you. Female empowerment hasn’t had a champion this dedicated to the cause since the last time James declared his strong female lead unfuckable. You see, unlike that big-tittied strumpet Wonder Woman, Sarah Connor in The Terminator had “pure grit” where her Double-Ds should be. Back then, James’ brand of feminism earned him an Amazonian pimp slap from across the universe from THEE Ms. Lynda Carter, who said to James, “you poor soul,” “STOP IT.” Now I’m going to need somebody to please go get Lynda her Bracelets of Submission; she’s gonna need them again.
Choices, choices, choices! When did there get to be so many choices? Earlier this month at the People’s Choice Awards, the People had their say and chose Mariska Hargitay to get upstaged by Kathy Hilton and Olivia Wilde’s nipples. And now it’s time for the Critics to nominate their choices for future choosing at the 2023 Critics Choice Awards. And maybe because the Critics are canonically more critical than the People, they’ve chosen Everything Everywhere All at Once over Olivia’s nipples, which along with Don’t Worry Darling, were left out of the choices for future choosing altogether. Why, in my day, three white men with cigars in a secret Hollywood backroom made all the choices over the flayed body of a virgin sacrifice, but nowadays, it seems, everybody gets to choose!
I hate reporting bad news. I really do. I know sometimes it may seem like I take joy in the suffering of others, but only when they deserve it. I am not a monster. And when the suffering is my own, or that of you, gentle reader, it causes me great pain and emotional distress. Earlier this year, and the three years preceding, I reported on the development of Top Gun 2: Maverick, a movie I was sure would be a flop. Reader— it was no flop. Top Gun 2: OT8 And Lovin’ It went on to become the 5th highest-grossing movie of all time, netting its star, Tom Cruise, more than $100 million earth credits to spend at any Scientology center of his choosing. And so I come now to you, humbled and dispirited, to report that James Cameron’s entry into the pantheon of Sequels to Movies Old Enough to Vote (in middle school elections in this case), Avatar: The Way of Water, is being heralded as “moviemaking & storytelling at its absolute finest,” and Guillermo del Toro has called James a “master at the peak of his power.”
A lot has changed in the 13 years since Avatar debuted in theaters and we all learned the true meaning of CINEMA. A week prior to that historic occasion, we thought Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel was the apex of man’s achievements in motion pictures. How wrong we were. It’s almost embarrassing how simple and easily entertained we were. Those little neutered chipmunk nubbins, mere gestures towards anatomic verisimilitude, were laughably rudimentary compared to the virile, lashing appendages of the Na’vi and we, as a culture, have been horny for tails ever since. And now, after more than a decade of looking at our pets in a way that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, the first full trailer for Avatar: The Way of Water is here to remind us of that indescribable feeling we get when the lights begin to dim, and we masturbate to something we’ve never masturbated to before. Somehow, nut ache feels good in a place like this.