Here Are Some Of The Looks From The Dueling Carpets From Last Night’s Oscar Celebrations
Two carpets, both alike in dignity
(In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil shoes make civil rugs unclean.
It’s crazy how those words by William Shakespeare are still as true today as they were in 1996 when we finally understood them thanks to Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet. And this morning, as the sun rose over the detritus of last night’s Oscars celebrations, one carpet emerged victorious and unblemished by the unsightly stains of blood and mud and whatever it was that Fine Ass Jonathan Majors had in his tiny silver sipping cup. For reasons we may only understand after Baz makes a movie about it, after weeks of torrential rain, the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences decided this was the year to break with a 64-year tradition and pull the Red Carpet out from under our feet in exchange for a Champagne Industrial Rug. For revenge, Florence Pugh could barely be bothered to dress for the big event so she just brushed her ponytail to the front and grabbed a beige duvet cover out of the dirty laundry for the Oscars, saving her pink comforter for the Blue Carpet at the Vanity Fair after party.
Here’s Miss Flo grinding the last bit of the Don’t Worry Darling poo off the bottom of her shoes on the Oscars carpet. When she changed for the VF party, she must have found a couple of Zach Braff‘s old man socks tucked in the corners of the duvet and fashioned them into a bra.
Florence Pugh is beyond beautiful at the #Oscars. https://t.co/ESbPYqrUFK pic.twitter.com/UlFo3n7Csd
— Variety (@Variety) March 12, 2023
If Baz does decide to make a movie about the Champagne Carpet so that future generations may understand its Post Slap significance (you see, it was a slap in the face to everybody who walked it, with the possible exception of Nicole Kidman, who made it her bitch), he may want to give his Elvis muse Austin Butler another shot at relevance. Miss Flo’s chunky platform heels may be made for grinding the past into smithereens, but Austin’s heels were made for CHA-CHA! Here’s Austin stomping whatever remains of Tom Cruise‘s unquestioned Hollywood clout into the nap of the carpet they had in the waiting room of the doctor’s office I went to when I got my first medical marijuana card. I suffer from anxiety, OK!?!
THIS SHOES #Oscars #AustinButler pic.twitter.com/bfvZ8G6iUg
— 𝚕𝚎́ (@austinbdraw) March 12, 2023
And here’s Austin and his new “friend“ at the VF party after having, as they say, slipped into something a little more comfortable.
Look, I’m sure it’s more comfortable for him. Now, try to think about the worst thing you could get all over the carpet in the refinished basement of a house you bought on spec to rent out on Airbnb as a second income opportunity. That’s right, Tár. As in Lydia Tár.
Unlike Austin, Cate Blancett knows how to let a character go slowly, one separate at a time. The top is classic Cate and the bottom is all Lydia’s doing. And I don’t know if it was out of spite for having to be a good sport and showing up knowing the whole time the Oscar would go to Michelle Yeoh, but Cate dripped Lydia’s toxic sludge all up and down both carpets. Baz would do well to remember Cate when it comes to casting Carpet! She’s clearly in her villain era. Here are a few more looks from the victorious Vanity Fair Blue Carpet. Sadly, the champagne carpet inadvertently drank poison and died, in case you were wondering what was really in Fine Ass Jonathan Major’s little sipping cup.
Pics: PA Images/INSTARimages