That persistent, rat a tat tat sound you hear right now is Tom Cruise stomping his little Cha Cha heels in a rage over the news that the release date for Top Gun 2: What Could Go Wrong? has been postponed yet again, this time due to the coronavirus pandemic. If so many lives and livelihoods weren’t at stake, I’d give coronavirus a big wet kiss on the mouth for providing us with this small dose of schadenfreude during this difficult time. Top Gun: Maverick joins a slew of other movies, including the sequel to A Quiet Place, that are having to self-isolate from their scheduled theatrical release dates. According to The Wrap, Top Gun: Maverick’s Goose Is Cooked won’t be buzzing our towers until Christmas.
As if we needed more proof that Top Gun 2: Bottoms Up is anything more than a very expensive video of Tom Cruise fapping into the wind, the film’s director, Joseph Kosinski, was interviewed for Entertainment Weekly and detailed the staggering lengths the production went to in order to make Tom feel good about himself. EW also revealed some new sepia toned cast photos which I guess are supposed to evoke feelings of nostalgia but really just expose the fact that the production of Top Gun 2: Rear Viewz has depleted the world’s supply of bronzer.
Tom Cruise proves just how flexible he is in the latest trailer for Top Gun 2: The Ego Has Landed with an impressive display of autofellacio. As with the teaser trailer we got back in July, this new trailer is all about how rad Tom Cruise is. He’s not just a maverick flying by the seat of his stunt butt, he’s THE Maverick. Top Gun 2: Cockpit Tease features Tom engaging in various acts of speed while a voice-over blows smoke up his ass. Guys, his exploits…………(wait for it)………..(wait for it)………(I hope you went to the bathroom first because)…… (wait for it)……….(almost there)……. (here it comes)……….(almost there)……are legendary.
I doubt anybody will be surprised to learn that 62-year-old Kelly McGillis will not be having steamy, curtain billowing, silhouette sex with Tom Cruise in the upcoming Top Gun 2: The Legend Of Maverick’s Lifts. But can you believe they never even asked her to participate? I mean, yes, it’s not surprising, but it is exceedingly rude. Good thing Kelly has neither the time nor the inclination to get anywhere near the danger zone again.
Even though it’s not going to be released for another year, a teaser trailer for Top Gun 2: Bottoms Up has landed. If I didn’t know any better I’d say they just cobbled together scenes from the original movie and slapped that old age filter over Tom Cruise’s face, because there is absolutely nothing new to see here. But the fleeting glance of Jon Hamm STRIDING WITH PURPOSE tells me they actually filmed some new scenes. But the rest is all been there, done that, got the soundtrack to prove it (seriously, it’s one of the best motion picture soundtracks of the 80s). Shirtless beach volleyball scene: Check. Tommy racing the wind on his motorcycle: Check. Drunken group singing: Check. Pointless insubordination: Check, check, and check.
Ever have a little trip planned and hastily pack a bag for a fun weekend getaway, but forget rule number one of air travel and pack a brand new 8 oz bottle of Aveeno unscented lotion in your carry-on which you watch, with tears in your eyes, as TSA cruelly throws it away? Well I have and it’s sad! Imagine doing the same only instead of lotion, you absentmindedly toss a loaded handgun in your luggage. That’s what happened to Wizards of Waverly Place star David Henrie. Only instead of being out 8 bucks and spending the weekend ashy as fuck, David had to go to jail.