The Academy Has Announced Their Convoluted COVID-19 Protocols For The Oscars Ceremony

The Academy of Motion Picture Sciences has confirmed that Regina Hall, Amy Schumer, and Wanda Sykes will, in fact, be hosting next month’s Oscar ceremony. And keeping with that momentum, they have also settled on a theme, and that theme is Fuck It. As such, this year’s Oscars ceremony will be dedicated to Vanessa Hudgens’ iconic, and in retrospect, prescient “yeah, people are gonna die, which is terrible, but, like…inevitable???” speech from March of 2020. Coachella is all “same, girl, same!“

According to Deadline, The Academy has released their COVID-19 protocols for the ceremony and have decided that presenters and performers will be exempt from any vaccination or negative test requirements, while nominees and guests will have to adhere to both. In addition, this year’s in-memoriam segment will include a mix of living and dead celebrities because with this setup, who can say? If Van Morrison’s unvaccinated ass shows up to sing his Best Original Song nomination from Belfast and crosses paths with a COVID positive pirouetting Jet practicing backstage, he might not make it to the end of the night.

This convoluted plan comes courtesy of the American government’s lack of consistent COVID protocols and Hollywood having its own special rules. Because having actors inspire us by playing heroic health care workers is more important than actual heroic health care workers. When we say “representation matters,” this is what we mean. Deadline reports:

The Oscars finally has a Covid policy. Presenters and performers at next month’s Academy Awards will not be required to show proof of vaccination, but nominees and guests will.

People in the latter group also must have two negative PCR tests, Deadline has confirmed.

In a story posted tonight, The New York Times quoted an Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences spokeswoman as saying Oscar presenters and performers indeed will be subject to rigorous Covid testing, however.

The Times also noted that audience members in the sections of the Dolby Theatre nearest to the stage won’t be required to wear a mask but will be seated farther apart from one another than usual. Those in the mezzanine, however, must wear a face covering.

Got it, uggos in the back and cover that shit up, nobody needs to see that. Only the sexy people are allowed in the splash zone. Even though The Academy will be taking additional precautions, like capping the seating capacity at The Dolby Theater at 75%, with 2,500 people expected to attend, it qualifies as a “mega-event” under LA County Department of Public Health’s rules. And masks are still required for all LA county indoor mega-events. But apparently, the Oscars has a cheat for that rule. It’s not a mega-event. It’s a Star-Studded Maxi Extravaganza which is categorized as a TV production “which allow[s] for performers to be maskless while performing.”

Currently, L.A. requires masks in most indoor public spaces and at all indoor “mega-events” with over 500 attendees. That’s even as California announced it will ease state requirements. (Local authorities like L.A. can be more restrictive than the state.) The catch with the Oscars is, awards shows aren’t considered “mega-events” under L.A. Public Health rules. They fall under the protocols for TV productions.

I know it’s confusing. Just think of it this way. If Lady Gaga crashes the party as a guest, she will need to show proof of vaccination and two negative tests. But if Lady Gaga crashes the party and bum-rushes the stage, knocks the mic out of Beyonce’s hands, and sings a new romantic balled she just wrote called In Patrizia’s Flies, then she’s good to go. See, it’s simple!

Pic: INSTAR