Category: Awards Season

Bradley Cooper Thinks Awards Season Is “Utterly Meaningless”

September 5, 2020 / Posted by:

Clearly, Bradley Cooper is still feeling the sting of missing out on that Best Director Oscar nomination for “A Star Is Born”…you know, that movie where he filmed himself as a greasy, urine-soaked has-been singer who mumbles for 2+ hours––only to have Lady Gaga swoop in and spend all of 2019 collecting lots of trophies!!! Ya, well, Bradley is letting the world know what he thinks about moviemaking and the phony tap-dancing act that comes with promoting it (SPOILER: for someone who gets in on that act, he calls it “meaningless.”)

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Following Roman Polanski’s 12 Nominations, The Entire Board Of The Cesar Awards Quit

February 18, 2020 / Posted by:

The Cesar Awards are coming right up, but even though Roman Polanski received 12 nominations this year, he might want to think about skipping the ceremony because he’s not quite as popular as those 12 nominations suggest. Turns out, it’s not just a bunch of uptight feminists who have gotten their unsexy underwear in a bunch and have objections about the continued celebration of a man who admitted to the statutory rape of a child (not to mention the more recent allegations against him). According to The National, the entire board of the Cesar Awards organization has quit, en masse, in protest of his nomination as well as their ongoing frustrations over the organization’s “opaque decision-making process” and lack of diversity. This decision by the board comes on the heels of an open letter published in Le Monde which was signed by over 400 film professionals who all said fuck. this. shit.

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Roman Polanski’s Latest Film Has Been Nominated For 12 César Awards, And Some Aren’t Happy About It

January 30, 2020 / Posted by:

Due to the insidious nature of cancel culture, convicted rapist Roman Polanski’s career has taken a severe hit and his life is in shambles. He’s spent the past few decades cowering from the public eye, in fear for his life, and being forced to accept prestigious filmmaking awards in absentia. It’s just like he’s living in a prison really, only with a comfy mattress and better food and wine selections. Poor Roman really can’t catch a break. According to the BBC, his latest movie, An Officer and a Spy AKA J’accuse en français, received 12 César nominations, the French equivalent of the Oscars. This should be a moment of triumph for Roman, but it’s been marred by a bunch of unruly feminists who found it necessary to point out that 12 is also the same number of women who have accused Roman of rape (to date). Jesus, why is so hard for people to just let Roman be great in peace?!?

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The Oscars Will Be Hostless Again This Year

January 8, 2020 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that Chet Haze is obviously available and ready to work, The Academy Awards will, once again, go hostless. I don’t know, maybe we should be thanking Kevin Hart for his homophobic tweets because now instead of having to squirm while some dude in a tuxedo (trust, it was always going to be some dude in a tuxedo) edgelords his way to glory, as we did with the Golden Globes, we can just sit back, relax, and squirm as some of Woody Allen’s dearest friends try to read from a teleprompter. According to The Hollywood Reporter, nobody even tried to reach Chet on his pager, because things went so great last year.

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The SAG Award Nominations Were Led By America’s Tree, Scarlett Johansson

December 11, 2019 / Posted by:

Love it or hate, it’s Scarlett Johansson’s world and we’re just living in it. Like literally, everything from the trees in the forest to all the hysterical wives in Brooklyn, it’s all Scarlett, all the time. Scarlett earned three Screen Actors Guild nominations today, and we have to assume her dear friend Woody Allen was one of the first calls she made when she heard the news. According to Variety, Scarlett got two noms for Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role for Jojo Rabbit and Marriage Story, as well as a nomination in the Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture category for Jojo Rabbit. Add that to her Golden Globe nomination announced earlier this week, they’re probably just going to go ahead and call movies “Scarletts” from now on.

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Blue Ivy Carter Is Already An Award-Winning Songwriter At 7 Years Old

November 19, 2019 / Posted by:

Blue Ivy Carter is 7 years old and has already won a BET Soul Train Award in songwriting for her artistic writing contributions to her mom Beyonce’s song Brown Skin Girl. This reminds us all how useless our soccer participation awards are! Blue Ivy wrote the lyrics, “Brown skin girl, your skin just like pearls, the best thing in the world, never trade you for anybody else.” And I’ll sit here and wait for Linda Perry to try to snatch that award right out of Blue Ivy’s hands after accusing her of pulling a Beyonce, and then the Beyhive will swarm Linda like Macaulay Culkin in My Girl.

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