Two carpets, both alike in dignity
(In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene),
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil shoes make civil rugs unclean.
It’s crazy how those words by William Shakespeare are still as true today as they were in 1996 when we finally understood them thanks to Baz Luhrmann‘s Romeo + Juliet. And this morning, as the sun rose over the detritus of last night’s Oscars celebrations, one carpet emerged victorious and unblemished by the unsightly stains of blood and mud and whatever it was that Fine Ass Jonathan Majors had in his tiny silver sipping cup. For reasons we may only understand after Baz makes a movie about it, after weeks of torrential rain, the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences decided this was the year to break with a 64-year tradition and pull the Red Carpet out from under our feet in exchange for a Champagne Industrial Rug. For revenge, Florence Pugh could barely be bothered to dress for the big event so she just brushed her ponytail to the front and grabbed a beige duvet cover out of the dirty laundry for the Oscars, saving her pink comforter for the Blue Carpet at the Vanity Fair after party.
Movie star Florence Pugh and Scrubs star Zach Braff started dating in 2019. After three years of indignantly defending their 21-year age gap, Florence officially announced their split last summer. Now, I don’t know about Miss Flo, but when I break up with someone, I never want to see them again. Unfortunately, these two filmed a movie together in 2021, and now it’s finally coming out. A Good Person was written, directed, and produced by 47-year-old Zach, and 27-year-old Florence stars and co-produces. Variety reports that last night, the exes had no choice but to reunite for the movie’s premiere in London. Actually, strike that. Florence did have a choice. See: her decision to skip most of the promo for Don’t Worry, Darling. Continue reading
If I’ve learned anything covering awards shows over the past few years, it’s that we, as a society, need to wake up and realize that we are on the verge of a cataclysmic sea-change that threatens to collapse all that we hold dear about awards shows. Forget global warming; there’s nothing we can do about that now (sorry, Greta et al). The peril we currently face has nothing to do with carbon emissions. André Leon Talley tried to warm us of this impending disaster. But did we listen? No. And now, tragically, we’ve allowed a dangerous build-up of too much fashion to occur. Right before our very eyes. And if something isn’t done to mitigate this awards fashion disaster, immediately, we risk losing the very carpet upon which they play out. I don’t even think Andre, in all his great wisdom, could have predicted that (still?) it-girl Anya Taylor-Joy would be personally responsible for 68% of the noxious plumes of excess fashion at last night’s BAFTA Awards, the runoff of which is polluting the Thames with a literal blanket of velvety tan sludge.
Well, now this is just unfortunate. As we know, Florence Pugh values her privacy above all else, especially when it comes to who she is, and is not, fucking. Having risen above the Don’t Worry Darling drama of last year, and with Oppenheimer and Dune: Part 2 under her belt, she probably thought she could date whomever, and we’d be more chill. So what does Miss Flo* go and do? Well, according to Page Six, she goes and steps out with a “normie who she went to school with.” Which would be fine except this dude happens to be named Charlie Gooch. GOOOOCH. Together they are THE GOOCH & LE PUGH. (Zach) Braff X Pugh was bad enough. This is worse.
Not really sure why, but 2022 has marked the return of the Revenge Dress, whatever that is. At least it’s a less gruesome resurgence than the Revenge Body Khloe Kardashian tried to bring back post-Tristan Thompson, whatever that means. But there is a time and a place for a Revenge Dress and apologies to Olivia Wilde, but it is not the People’s Choice Awards, whatever those are. However, according to E! News, Olivia channeled Princess Diana last night by having “her very own revenge dress movement” when she stepped out on the red carpet with her nipples showing for her
first second red carpet appearance since breaking up with Prince Harry (Styles) three years weeks ago. Now don’t get me wrong, showing your nipples is a great way to get revenge, but the PCAs? Against Him? Honey, no. Generally speaking, that angry bearded man with the gloves in that GIF is always right, but in this case, I’m gonna have to disagree and say that, at the People’s Choice Awards, for once, the rent is too damn low!
Pour one out for Fran Drescher because if anybody’s legacy is going to be tarnished by the Don’t Worry Darling Disaster of 2022, it’s Fran who has lost the distinction of being the most loquacious professional child care provider of the modern era. Even worse, nowadays, when someone mentions “the nanny” in passing, they’re gonna have to be more specific- like are we walking about the show or Olivia Wilde and Jason Sedeikis’ nanny because either way, yeah, quite a mouth on her, eh? The Daily Mail published a third installment of their What Me Worry? interview with No, Not That The Nanny, who now claims that Florence Pugh hooked up with Harry Styles before Olivia did, and that is what really drove a wedge between Miss Flo and Miss Oh?. Mr. Him? could not be reached for comment.