Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
So far today, we’ve posted about alleged child abuse, alleged gonorrhea-giving and alleged child abuse allegedly at the hand of a human strain of gonorrhea. So let’s lighten things up with Kristen Stewart’s lightened-up mop! I know, that “joke” is more depressing than anything that’s been posted today.
Kristen Stewart has said before that getting her picture taken is more painful than taking a bath, but since she loves money and free designer clothes (and who doesn’t), she agreed to get her picture taken at an event for Chanel N5 L`Eau in West Hollywood last night. I know I joked that KStew looks the human form of a clump of hair found in the shower drain in a bathroom at Malfoy Manor, but I love that piss yellow hair color and that’s not me saying I’m into golden showers. That overused urinal cake hair color takes me back. You truly haven’t lived the life of a dark-haired teenager until you’ve tried to go blond with Sun-In, peroxide, mustache lightening creme from your auntie’s bathroom cabinet and a prayer. Every teenage non-blondie has probably heard a friend scream, “Bitch, don’t touch that shit, I’ll blow, I’ll blow,” as the crap in our hair starts to eat our scalp and we’re waving our hands around to keep from scratching at it. So, I love Kristen Stewart’s hair, and she probably loves it too since the bleach fried and killed all of the lice.
And here’s more of a yallaw-haired (copyright: Tim Peeler) KStew wearing a crop top sweater made from a stovetop hood filter at last night’s Chanel thing. I also threw in pictures of Rachel Zoe, Milla Jovovich and Johnny Depp’s daughter.
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”
Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.
“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.
I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”
Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.
Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.
I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).
Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson, and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.
I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.
And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:
As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.
Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.
If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.
There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.
Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).