Taylor Swift Performed “Dear John” For The First Time In 11 Years And Seemingly Told Her Fans Not To Start Trolling John Mayer Over It Again
Hopefully, John Mayer has access to some kind of underground bunker (under Andy Cohen’s low bar should be deep enough) in preparation for Taylor Swift’s Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) album release because Taylor just performed her song “Dear John” (that’s pretty obviously about him) for the first time in 11 years at one of her recent Eras Tour shows. Though she prefaced it by seemingly telling her fans to LEAVE JOHN ALONE, I’m pretty confident that before she even finished singing the song, at least one of her diehards probably DMed John a video of the performance and threatened to smack the stanky guitar face right off of him–despite fellow (but considered to be less nefarious in Taylor’s fandom) Speak Now muse, Taylor Lautner, also recently sending John his prayers for mercy leading up to the (legal) July 7 album re-release.
While the American impression of Canada is a haven of free healthcare, low unemployment rates, and an unusually friendly social nature, don’t be fooled! Like any country, the Great White North has its problems: violations of the rights of marginalized groups, abuses by Canadian mining companies, and the most pressing matter of them all; not a single tour date has been announced yet for Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour! This is why Canadian MP Matt Jeneroux is filing an “official grievance” with the House of Commons “on behalf of all Swifties,” calling on Taylor Swift to reconsider and bring her Eras Tour to Canada. Desperate times call for desperate measures!
A Man In France Is Going To Jail For Eight Months After Stealing And Selling Taylor Swift’s “Speak Now” Re-Release
The Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) re-release hasn’t even come out yet, but the Taylor Swift album has already claimed its first victim. Although, this time, it’s not an ex. A French warehouse worker has been sentenced to months of prison time for stealing and selling some of the new-slash-old Taylor albums ahead of the July 7 release date. Damn, John Mayer had better prepare for his comeuppance once this re-release hits, but at least he won’t go to jail.
Sources Say Taylor Swift Was Just “Letting Off Steam” With Matty Healy And “Will Not Be Writing Albums About This One”
Welp, as predicted by anyone with reason and/or a marketing degree, Taylor Swift and her rebound beau, Matty Healy from The 1975, have reportedly broken up. This movie isn’t that shucking since Taylor was roasted for sullying her pristine reputation by dating the edgiest of edgy edgelords. The dick couldn’t have been that good–there was no way. And it sure doesn’t seem to have been because not only is Taylor cutting ties, sources are publicly tossing Matty to the wolves and washing their hands of him. They said Taylor was just letting “off some steam” and sewing her “oats.” Well, it’s nice that Taylor got to feel the excitement of dating a racist dude for a hot minute, I guess…
Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour has been a magical, religious experience for many of her obsessive fans, but some of the shows haven’t been without their hiccups. A few weeks ago, a trap door Taylor was supposed to dive into didn’t open on time. And Last night during her Chicago show, she had two viral moments when her faulty mic wouldn’t work, AND she choked and sputtered after swallowing a bug. But one repulsive thing Taylor won’t have in her mouth anymore? “Fucking slack-jawed fuckwit” Matty Healy! Because Taylor and Matty (Tatty?) have reportedly called it quits.
It’s true what they say: once you start dating Taylor Swift, you’re guaranteed press for anything you do! Embarking on her bad girl era, Taylor is dating Matty Healy, the lead singer of The 1975 and Azealia Banks’s new nemesis. The two have been hot (holding hands) and heavy (smooching in pubic), which has truly riled up the Swifties. It’s a dream come true: Matty gets his press, and Taylor gets to explore a cool new side for the inevitable album. Matty is so happy that he’s just kissing anyone he can get his hands on.