Night Crumbs

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A shirtless Charlie Hunnam is in Vogue with an adorable dog friend on his back, a bike under his body and a hippie chick on his front, because FASHION. The dog easily wins the picture and is outperforming the humans by giving a truly complex performance. Doggy’s body language says, “Yeah, this is my bitch, but I’ll let you play with him a little, girly,” and doggy’s face says, “The hell is this picture and why are you making me pose in it?” – Lainey Gossip 

How do you say “I CAN’T” in Polish? – Jezebel

Balderdash Kumquatsack almost had the boring, non-fun name of Benedict Carlton (which sounds like the name of a snooty boutique hotel in Beverly Hills adjacent) – Celebitchy

The top of Emily Ratatouille’s dress looks like gold spaghetti – Drunken Stepfather

In other words, Kim Kartrashian has already booked North West’s first Playboy shoot for June 15, 2031 - The Superficial 

That windstorm blowing into Pakistan is from the entire country of India collectively breathing out a huge sigh of relief after hearing that Kim Kartrashian is not coming to their country after all –  Reality Tea 

Conchita Wurst’s new video looks like the intro to a super serious FX show about robot cowboys and the bearded brides who love them – Towleroad

Chicken Cutlets serves up two raw cornish game hens – WWTDD

How many area rugs died to make Alessandra Ambrosio’s dress? – Hollywood Tuna 

The pimp circa 1976 whom Miranda Kerr stole those gold pajama pants from isn’t going to be happy with her – IDLYITW

File this under: Outfits that Bianca Jagger wore to Studio 54 in the 70s – Popoholic

The catchiest songs of all time really aren’t that catchy – The Berry

The Queef LaQueefah Show has been snuffed out – ICYDK

How do I prepare my liver for all the booze I’m going to swallow while watching the ship wreck disaster that is Peter Pan Live? – OMG Blog

Please, like Beyonce is really going to drink an actual Slurpee. That’s just a Slurpee cup filled with blended rubies and crushed diamonds – Popsugar

Here’s when a young Bradley Cooper sucked Sarah Jessica Parker’s face in Sex and the City. Think of it as the closest he’ll ever get to starring in EquusSOW

Cher should just get Chad Michaels to do the rest of her dates for her – Boy Culture

I know Orlando Bloom’s in Prague, but he’s wearing the perfect L.A. winter ensemble – Just Jared

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Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lindsay Lohan Is Planning A Movie Comeback

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?

Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!

I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.

Open Post: Hosted By The Ferret Who Almost Had It All

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Haven’t we all been there? We’ve all seen a dream in the near distance, a dream that seems so close we can touch it. We carefully make plans to make that dream come true and right after we leap for it, gravity fucks with us and we eat floor as some mean ass ho laughs in our faces. Mala the Ferret is all of us. Mala will get it next time. Her ass just needs to watch Outrageous Fortune a few times, because Shelley Long will teach her how to really leap.

Note: No ferret bodies were injured in the making of this video. Ferret egos, however…

via Daily Picks and Flicks

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Dame St. Angie Jolie May Or May Not Retire From Acting

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Dame. St Angie Jolie has already directed 3 movies and she’ll soon start production on her 4th directorial project Africa. St. Angie is a serious director now! So since she’s a serious director, she’s joined the club of actors who are bored of doing acting shit and want to be full-time serious directors. While talking to DuJour Magazine about that Unbroken movie, St. Angie says that she’s definitely done with acting once she finishes up a few acting projects including Cleopatra (Side note: Can she retire before then, because the world doesn’t need her as Cleopatra).

“I’ve never been comfortable as an actor; I’ve never loved being in front of the camera,” Jolie says. “I didn’t ever think I could direct, but I hope I’m able to have a career at it because I’m much happier.”

Is the plan to give up acting entirely?

She smiles. “Absolutely.”

I know, this is some wall slide-inducing sad news for the zero of you who have been aching for a sequel to The Tourist.

But St. Angie tells Entertainment Weekly that she’ll retire from acting one day, but it’s not happening anytime soon.

“I see myself moving into directing more and doing much less as an actor. I have a few more in me, ones I have been developing for some time, so I will do those before I step away.”

How many times has she hinted at retiring? The first time she did it, the world continued to spin and surprisingly, Hollywood executives didn’t burn down their studios before setting themselves on fire, because what’s the point of going on when the greatest movie actress of every generation is done with acting in movies? So she hinted at it again. The world didn’t stop and the Hollywood sign didn’t crumble and slide down the hill. It didn’t happen this time either. If St. Angie really retired from acting to devote all of her time to directing, we’d know it. The world would stop and every Hollywood director would QUIT THAT BITCH, because there’s no way they could compete with the brilliance of St. Angie! So, she’s not retiring from acting and she’s definitely not retiring from saying she’s retiring from acting.

Here’s the not retired actress at the Paley Center in NYC today.

Pics: Splash

Here’s What Jennifer Lawrence Singing “The Hanging Tree” Sounds Like

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

I will tell you right now that Jennifer Lawrence singing “The Hanging Tree” sounds a lot like a 3am recording of Jennifer Lawrence talking out the lyrics to “The Hanging Tree” in her sleep. It also sounds like a NyQuil stoned Jennifer Lawrence doing a karaoke version of “The Hanging Tree” at a mopey hipster bar. It also sounds like a fed-up frog who smokes American Spirit blacks asking her no-good boyfriend if he’s going to “The Hanging Tree”, which might be the name of a XXX all-nude frog strip club. It also sounds like when you try to play a record backwards, and you think you’re going to hear the voice of Satan, but it just sounds like someone struggling to take a shit.

But I’ll leave that up to you to decide! America’s cool fart Jennifer Lawrence recorded a version of “The Hanging Tree” for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, which based on my rudimentary internet research, is a sad hill people song that is sung by Katniss or her dad in the Hunger Games movies. I can’t really judge whether or not she sounds good, since I have a voice that would melt plastic and therefore am not at liberty to judge singing talent. But I can tell she hired Chris Martin as her vocal coach, because she sounds like a bored ghost. Again, still 100% better than me.

Here’s JLaw sing-talking a song that will no doubt go triple rhodium and be remixed to hell and back and eventually covered by Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee next season:

Giada de Laurentiis Is A Spitter

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Page Six, the blind items are telling lies. Giada de Laurentiis isn’t a swallower. She’s a spitter!

The Italian lollipop once told Health.com that people are always asking her how it’s possible for her to eat all that delicious food and stay as skinny as a parakeet’s pinky nail. Giada said at the time that she only eats a little bit of everything and doesn’t overstuff herself. But a source tells Page Six that when Tweety Bird’s human sister shoots her Food Network show, she doesn’t swallow anything and keeps a spit bucket nearby. Everything that goes into her mouth, comes out. Some source spit this out into Page Six’s bucket:

“When Giada films her cooking show, she never eats. Never. When she is making drinks and food that she has to drink or eat, they have a dump bucket that is brought out the second they cut. Sometimes when they are shooting her taking bites out of food like cake, they have an assistant take the bite (so you only see teeth and a mouth), and then they cut back to her taking an empty fork out of her mouth to resume filming. She does not eat at all while filming.”

Giada’s rep, Stephen Huvane (yes, Jennifer Aniston’s Stephen Huvane), spit at Page Six’s story. Stephen says that Giada does eat her own food, but sometimes they shoot three episodes in one day “and they do multiple takes on a close-up of her eating. She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time, since they can do sometimes six to 10 takes with three episodes a day, and that would be like eating six to eight meals a day.

“She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time” is the new definition of TOO EASY.

Don’t they all do this? Well, all of them except for Guy Fieri who definitely swallows all that crap.  But other than him, I thought all TV food tricks were spitters. That’s why watching those food shows is painful sometimes. I know that they didn’t finish the dish and probably spit that food into a bucket. What a waste. Since Alicia Silverstone is living that green life and cares about reducing waste, she should volunteer to be a human bucket on cooking show sets. After the take, the host can bird feed her the food they chewed up and then she can bird feed it to her son. Nothing will go to waste!

And Here’s Jennifer Aniston’s Exquisitely Beaded Boobs, Bceause Why Not?

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.

Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.

She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always a classic.

Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

John Stamos’ Gross Belly Button Leads The 8th Edition Of “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets”

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

I can’t decide if John Stamos’ belly button looks like a mushroom-headed dick poking out of his stomach or a skin-colored clown nose or the button nose of a bearded old man with no eyes? Well, whatever it looks like, I’d still lube it up with Dannon Oikos  yogurt and hit it.

On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, he presented the 8th edition of the segment where famous types read mean tweets written by either Jimmy Kimmel’s writing team or actual Twatterers. This one gave us Lela Durham (copyright: Valerie Cherish) and her dog tits, John Stamos’ bubble belly button, Lisa Kudrow (who gets an A+++ in reacting), crack head Jon Hamm, raper-faced Scott Foley, Bob Newhart, Ted Danson and his majestic silver cliff of hair and Brit Brit who wore a turkey oven bag and looked like she laughed to keep from melting into a puddle of tears and Frapps. Most of these are good, but out of the billions of mean tweets about Goopy Paltrow, that’s the one they chose?!

Big Bird should’ve read that first one, because nothing is meaner than being compared to Goopy.

Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Concious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Concious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!

Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.

My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.

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