Remember last year when Brie Larson didn’t clap for alleged sexual harasser Casey Affleck when he won that Oscar? The Oscar Armie Hammer was salty about because he said they did Birth of A Nation director and acquitted alleged rapist Nate Parker wrong? That was slightly awkward, wasn’t it? I mean in a quaint little 2016 kind of way. But I have a feeling things are going to be 2017 sized awkward come awards season in the year of our lord 2018. For starters, E! News is reporting that a bunch of actresses are planning on making a fashion statement at the Golden Globes in January.
On Monday, Eater published several stories by women claiming to have been sexually harassed and assaulted by Mario Batali. Mario admitted that he was guilty of being a huge creep, and ABC asked him to step away from his co-hosting duties on The Chew. In a move as predictable as Mario Batali showing up to an event in a sweat-soaked fleece vest, ABC has fired him from The Chew.
In one of the mostly spectacularly tone deaf moves I’ve seen in #thesetryingtimes, Russell Simmons has started his own #movement on Instagram in an effort to express his innocence and defend himself against multiple allegations of sexual assault. Are you ready for the dawn of #NotMe?
By the way, that headline note was for me and only me, probably.
The milking of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding details produced a tiny drop last month when Kensington Palace announced that they will get married at St George’s Chapel sometime in May 2018. It was rumored that they were going to try to steal the spotlight from dead American soldiers by getting married on Memorial Day Weekend. But today, Kensington Palace announced that PHG will marry Meghan on May 19, 2018. (They’ll announce the time at the next milking.) May 19, 2018 is a Saturday, so there goes every British person’s dream that PHG and Meghan will marry on a weekday and it will be declared a Bank Holiday. They fucked you over. Call the British equivalent of your congressman now!
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced their nine-film shortlist for Best Foreign Language Film yesterday (it will be narrowed down to five when the official nominations are announced on January 23rd). Despite getting nominated for a Golden Globe, Cambodian entry First They Killed My Father didn’t make Oscars’ shortlist. Oh no, I’ve seen Maleficent; I know what happens when Angelina Jolie doesn’t get invited to the party. Whoever runs the red carpet at the Dolby Theater might want to prepare for a chance of rain, wind, hail, snow, and possibly fire on Oscar night.
The carved candle!
The star of every room its in, the elegant carved candle, is still sold all over Etsy (and used to be sold at the emporium of refined goods AliExpress), but back in the 1980s I remember it being in the homes of everyone’s auntie, abuelita, elderly next door neighbor and teacher (who’s over 50). Believe it or not, the carved candle didn’t make its debut at swap meets in the early 1980s. Candle carving has been around for centuries upon centuries and it’s an old German craft that highly-skilled artisans still do today. Make directed me toward a video showing the art of candle carving, and if your nipples get hard when you walk into a Yankee Candle store, this video will be like art house porn to you.
My abuelita had two carved candles in her room, and she never ever lit them (I wasn’t lucky enough to inherit those pieces of priceless art). Lighting a carved candle is like using the Mona Lisa as a big coaster. Actually, it’s worse! The wick of a carved candle is just decoration and they’re not meant to be burned. A candle that looks like it’s made of layers and layers of alien pussy lips should last forever.