The FBI Officially Names North Korea As The Puppet Masters Of The Sony Hack

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.

Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.

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Brad Pitt Is “Too Distracting” For Jury Duty

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Anyone who’s ever tried to get out of jury duty knows that shit is expert-level hard. You gotta make up lies about your cat needing 24-hour care and being severely allergic to legal jargon and the invisible talking grasshopper who told you that everyone who wears glasses is always guilty. But not Brad Pitt! According to The Daily Mail, Brad Pitt recently got out of jury duty on account of being Brad Pitt.

Last Friday, St. Angie’s husband showed up to the court house in downtown Los Angeles after receiving notification that he was needed for jury duty, but was reportedly turned away during the interview process because the court thought the presence of Oscar-winning superstar Brad Pitt in the jury box might be “too distracting” for people during the trial. An insider says Brad thought serving on a jury would be interesting and was actually hoping he’d get chosen for a short case, so I can imagine a whole lot of sadness snacks were eaten in the car ride back to Château du Cheekbones.

Celebrities serve on juries all the time, so I’m wondering what the real reason for was giving Brad the boot. It was probably because they knew there was a 96% chance he wouldn’t shower before he came to court and would end up stinking up the jury box with his damp nut smell and stale weed hair. No need to worry though – I’m sure Judge Jesus will select him for the jury that oversees the trial of St. Angie vs. Scott Rudin’s rude-ass comments about St. Angie in Heaven early next year.

Cameron Diaz Is Engaged To Benji Madden Because She Wants Babies

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Sluts of the world, let’s all gather around and pour out a cup of ass lube for one of our slut idols Cameron Diaz, because apparently she’s retiring from the ho shit game to marry a Madden. UsWeekly says that the couple, whose nickname should be ????? because they are the epitome of random, are really engaged after bumping overgrown crotch bushes for 7 months. Rumors about Cameron being engaged to human Monster Energy can Benji Madden have been going around for a while now, but a source tells UsWeekly that it’s really true this time. Well, at least us sluts got Kate Hudson back.

Some source says that 35-year-old Benji is the kind of trick who is always falling in love with a new lady, but this time it’s really ~true love~ and he wants to make 42-year-old Cameron Diaz his first wife. Cameron doesn’t need to get married, but she does want babies and Benji is a traditional tramp who won’t have kids unless he’s married. The source dribbled out these words about Cameron becoming Nicole Richie’s future sister-in-law:

“Everyone thinks it’s wild but are so happy for them. Benji always tends to fall in love easily, but this time it’s for real and he landed a great girl. They obviously both make each other incredibly happy and there’s nothing better than that. He is more traditional then her. She really doesn’t care about getting married but wants babies. He wants to get engaged and married first.”

I know Cameron has had more douches in her than the feminine hygiene product aisle at CVS, so it sort of makes sense that she’s hard up for a dude who looks like a member of Douches of Anarchy and boned Parasite Hilton dozens of times. But if you’re going to settle down with a douche, you should at least settle down with a top douche. Benji Madden isn’t even in the top 10 of the Biggest Douches in the World list. Is Dane Cook not available or something?

Also, Cameron Diaz has said before that she doesn’t want kids. So either the source (read: UsWeekly’s fall intern) is lying or Benji’s dick has serious powers. If this story is true and Cameron has really changed her mind about wanting kids, then Benji should name his dick “Obi-Wan Peenobi” because it knows how to bust out some Jedi Mind Tricks on a piece.

Here’s Cameron wearing a ring on THAT finger in London three days ago.


The Colbert Report Ended With Randy Newman Singing At A Piano, Which Is How All Shows Should End

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Yes, I’m completely serious. Randy Newman gave us “I Love L.A.”, which in turn gave us a fame-hungry Kris Kardashian performing the cringeworthy masterpiece “I Love My Friends“, and for that we should be forever grateful.

After 9 years of confusing your right-wing uncle (“I don’t get it…does he hate Obamacare or not?“) Stephen Colbert said goodbye to The Colbert Report last night so that he could move into David Letterman’s old office at The Late Show. And just like Chelsea Handler did when she pulled the plug on Chelsea Lately in August, Stephen gathered a bunch of his famous friends together to sing “We’ll Meet Again”. Television: like a big-budget summer camp. Stephen was joined by the Cheers to his Frasier, Jon Stewart, as well as every other human on the planet. Bryan Cranston! Bill Clinton! Willie Nelson! North Korean Enemy No. 1 James Franco! Cookie Monster! You know you’re a big deal when you get Cookie Monster (I heard he’s a notorious recluse).

But my favorite part is around the 3:13 mark when Andy Cohen shows up and fucking BRINGS IT. Andy is singing like he’s got RuPaul, Michelle Visage, and Santino in the audience and there’s a lifetime supply of ColorEvolution cosmetics at stake.

Since Stephen Colbert the character won’t be going to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the person, the show ends with Stephen Colbert flying away forever in a sleigh with Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek. That’s an ok ending, but what I really would have liked to have seen was Stephen Colbert ripping off his mask and revealing that it was Chuck Noblet the whole time.


George Clooney Is Pissed That Sony Pulled “The Interview”

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Fancy Lawyer Barbie Amal Clooney’s part-time Hollywood actor husband George has some major feelings about the Sony email hack. In case you’ve forgotten because your brain is too interested in St. Angie’s messy Cleopatra drama, several sad emails Georgie sent to Amy Pascal about the shit reviews for his film The Monuments Men were leaked last weekend. That would normally be enough to piss someone off, but it was Sony’s decision to pull The Interview that really set him over the edge. So much, that it made him angry enough to circulate…A PETITION.

George spoke to Deadline and told them about the petition he created with his agent to show support for Sony and unite as an industry to stand up to the terrorists threatening the release of The Interview, and confessed that NO ONE in Hollywood was brave enough to sign it. George’s letter is long as hell, so it’s hidden after the cut. By the way, it sounds badass if you read it while listening to “America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)“, so I suggest you throw that on to enhance your George Clooney American Hero Petition Experience.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Derby the dog with 3D prosthetic legs!

Derby was born with tiny, underdeveloped legs (he is the Dooneese of dogs), so he’s never been able to fully run and he’s had a shit of a time getting around. Tara Anderson of South Carolina took in Derby a few months ago, because she kept looking at his picture and reading his story on the site for the rescue group Peace and Paws and she wanted to help him. When she first fostered Derby, she got him a cart, but shit was clunky and he still couldn’t run with the wind the way that he wanted to. So Tara, who works for a 3D printing company, came up with an idea to make him 3D prosthetics that’ll let him run.

With help from her co-workers and an expert in animal prosthetics, Tara created a pair of prosthetics using some fancy 3D modeling software and a 3D printer. Sherry Portanova, who is now Derby’s adoptive human, was there when he put his 3D prosthetic legs on for the first time and she says everyone’s heart melted and slipped out of their pee holes when they watched him sprint. Sherry said, “The first time he was put on them, he took off running. I was absolutely amazed at how well he did.”

I have two perfectly good running limbs and Derby still runs 2 more miles a day than I do. Sherry says that he runs around 2 miles a day and he runs faster than them.

The clip of Derby running on his 3D legs not only made me feel some weird warmness in the area where my heart used to be, but it also got my gutter sludge of a brain thinking about the future of 3D printing. If us humans can print out 3D prosthetics today, then it’s only a matter of time before we can print out all sorts of 3D stuff at home including 3D dildos. The future can’t come soon enough!

And I fully expect Derby to win all the golds at the 2016 Olympics! (No Oscar Pistorius jokes, please!)

via HuffPo


Birthday Sluts

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Kristy Swanson (45)
Paulina Gretzky (26)
Lady Sovereign (29)
Jake Gyllenhaal (34)
Marla Sokoloff (34)
Alyssa Milano (42)
Amy Locane (43)
Tyson Beckford (44)
Criss Angel (47)
Jennifer Beals (51)
Til Schweiger (51)
Limahl (55)
Tim Reid (70)
Maurice White (73)
Cicely Tyson (81)


Night Crumbs

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer dismissed the idea of hiring Goopy Paltrow as a contributing editor because she didn’t finish college. “What a classist snob!” said Goopy Paltrow right before she screamed at her morning maid for not using the imported tears of dolphins to clean her outdoor wood-burning pizza oven – Lainey Gossip

“Um, we already do, where have you been, Lenny?Beyonce to Lenny KravitzCelebitchy

Phew, the feds did not seize all the Christmas presents that Teresa Giudice and Juicy Joe probably stole from a toy drive – Reality Tea

Dolly Parton visited Uncle Terry’s studio…… – Drunken Stepfather

Two push-up bras and a roll of duct tape does wonders for Parasite Hilton’s titty balls – Egotastic!

Azealia Banks thinks Igloo Australia needs to be sitting with the pop girls instead of the hip hop girls – Jezebel

Dear Stephen Collins, Jesus would like to see the receipts, because he doesn’t remember this – The Superficial

Carmen Electra shows the young hos that she’s still got it - Hollywood Tuna

The dude who threw a lawsuit (and later dismissed that lawsuit) at Bryan Singer for allegedly drugging and raping him could go to prison for 40 years for pulling some fraud shit – Towleroad

Here’s Sharon Stone’s nipples, because I know you’ve been wondering what they’re up to – WWTDD

Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence, don’t you know you’re not supposed to leave the house without the hot bodyguard? – Popoholic

Poke at me when there’s an LFO documentary – The Berry

And here’s the bare ass of a French actor I’ve never heard of, but who cares about that, because BUTT – OMG Blog

Jessica Biel‘s fetus dome makes an appearance and that’s great and everything but she really needs to give that onesie back to Justin BieberPopsugar

Say farewell to The Colbert Report with its greatest hits – Pajiba

Pop the sparkling pink champagne, because Bruce Jenner is officially  FREEEEEEEEEEEE – ICYDK

Paramount is scurred of North Korea too – HuffPo

The international movie-watching audience is racist, so says a producer in a hacked Sony e-mail – IDLYITW

Oprah loves dog shit, which explains why she likes Dr. PhilSOW


And Now Diana Ross Will Be Tied To The Simpson Family FOREVER

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s a week before Christmas and I’m sure you have a lot of crap to do, so don’t bruise your brain while trying to figure out what these three are wearing.

Ashlee Simpson and her pretty-faced husband of 3 months Evan Ross aren’t wasting any time. E! News says that the “singer” turned reality TV trick turned Melrose Place 2.0 “actress” turned (insert whatever she’s doing now because I have no clue) is knocked up with her second kid and Evan Ross’ first kid. Evan and Ashlee’s baby friend will be Diana Ross’ third grandchild. E! didn’t have any other info other than that and some words about children that Evan spilled into their ears at The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premiere last month.

“I would like [having kids],” he said. “As many as possible!”

Ross added, “I got married, I have new music and I’m part of Hunger Games. It’s been a great year.” And to think, 2015 looks to be even more of a life-changer.

Bronx Mowgli, Asslee’s kid with Pete Wentz, is already 6 years old. I don’t think she’ll go with the NYC borough + Jungle Book character route when naming her second kid. She’ll probably go the L.A. neighborhood + Lion King character route. They’re going to name their kid Echo Park Zazu.

That kid will probably inherit Diana Ross’ fabulous gene and its mother’s impeccable lip-synching skills. That kid will win season 25 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’m calling it now.

And here’s Evan and Ashlee at the farmer’s market in Studio City a few days ago.

Pics: Splash

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