When it was announced that Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams Ryan Adams were quitting their 6-year marriage to each other, I immediately pictured Mandy wearing a floor-length lilac chiffon gown carefully packing boxes of Ryan’s things as Ryan sits cross-legged on the floor singing “(Say so long) Don’t say goodbye” to their army of cats before he rides away on a cloud of air kisses to his new house. Basically, I assumed it was as amicable as amicable could be.
However, according to UsWeekly, I couldn’t have been more wrong and it’s starting to get dramatic. A source claims that Mandy is “totally shocked” by how Ryan handled their split, and not in the ‘wow, he’s being surprisingly mature about it’ way either. Apparently the two had discussed that Mandy would file for divorce, which made Ryan all panicky and try to work things out with Mandy, before saying fuck it, and skipping down to the court house to file the divorce papers himself.
She’s also pissed that he listed their date of separation as August 4, 2014, a date the source claims is BS and is financially motivated. Apparently Mandy and Ryan didn’t have a prenup, which we’ve all learned from Hollywood Divorces 101 means that this shit is about to get MESSY. No word on whether Ryan is afraid Mandy is going to come after his indie rock money or he’s trying to get his greasy hands on half of her A Walk to Remember cash. But regardless of when Ryan thinks they separated, the source says Mandy sort of mentally checked out a while ago:
“She had been unhappy for awhile. She tried to make things work and eventually she just had to walk away. She’s trying to keep things civil but is pretty upset about the way he’s handling this.”
I know we all sort of read that blind item from a while back about a former singer-turned-actress whose home was wrecked by some younger warbling butterscotch hussy and our eyes darted quickly to Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, but what if it turns out that Ryan really was spending all his free time rubbing his hipster bits on some yodeling ho? I know Mandy Moore wants to take the high road and whatever, but I’m sure part of her is dying to pick up a Bible and whoop a trick Hilary Faye-style.
Before we get to that sexy Australian slice of lamington cake on the right, we need to talk about why in the HELL does Scarlett Johansson look like the low-budget love child of Miley Cyrus and a Spartan cheerleader?
The 2015 G’Day USA Gala (I literally just pictured an all-Bloomin’ Onion beauty pageant, because I am dumb) was held in Los Angeles on Saturday night. ScarJo was there to present her Avengers co-star and who People tells me is the sexiest man alive Chris Hemsworth with the Excellence in Film award, and during her speech, E! says she told a story about how the sight of a sleeping Thor on an airplane gave Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, and herself a case of the horn-horns:
“Chris decided to take a little cat nap. He collapsed into a giant perfect heap, his lion’s mane gracefully falling around his prominent chiseled features. ‘My, God,’ proclaimed Ruffalo, ‘what a specimen.’ Evans added ‘It’s incredible—the man is perfect even when he’s drooling.’ [I] just stared hoping that some of his stardust would drift my way.”
She then went on to say some stuff about Chris Hemsworth that sounds like it was copy+pasted from a user named TwelveInchHammer69 on a Thor/Loki fanfic site:
“He’s all at once sensitive and ferocious, otherworldly and grounded, is shockingly handsome and is surprisingly approachable. He is every man and like no man you’ve met before. He is versatile despite his physicality, which makes him a grade A movie star.”
She then added (she didn’t) “True story: when shooting wrapped on Avengers: Age of Ultron, I snuck into the makeup trailer and stole Chris’ Thor wig. I keep it in a drawer beside my bed and smell it whenever I need to get in the mood, and sometimes I put it on my French husband’s head while he’s asleep and pretend I’m married to Thor. Too weird?”
Here’s more of ScarJo looking like an ice dancer from Planet Zorg, as well as Chris and his wife Elsa Pataky, who no doubt spent the evening reminding all the horny hos that Thor is taken.
As a Canadian person, I never knew the greasy joy that is going to the Waffle House half-drunk on a Saturday night. We don’t have Waffle Houses up here (and please don’t ask if we have Waffle Igloos, because I really wish we did), so when I finally did get a chance to go to one, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I cried. I cried sweet syrupy tears of happiness. Meanwhile, Eeyore’s cousin Kanye West goes to the Waffle House and sits there like a grumpy toddler who was just told “no more juice”.
Kanye decided to make a surprise appearance at Rihanna’s DirecTV pre-Super Bowl party in Phoenix last night, and of course he brought his life-size Barbie Kim Kardashian with him, because it’s not like one of them needs to stay home and look after the kid or anything. After the show, they decided to go to a Waffle House with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, who look like they just came from an adult prom, and that’s when Kanye morphed into Grumpy Cat’s asshole.
Kanye is such a difficult bitch. He is totally that friend who gets all mopey in the car because he wanted IHOP and everyone else voted for Waffle House. Then when they get to Waffle House, he throws a mini-tantrum because they don’t have butter pecan syrup and orders “just water, I guess” while everyone else gets ready to mouth-fuck an All-Star Special.
Speaking of ‘the kid’, Kim made sure to remind us/herself that she’s still somebody’s mother by Instagramming a couple pics with North West before she left.
The master of laziness who is an inspiration to all us lazies and a beautiful symbol of laziness.
Happy Smoke A Bowl (Or Five Or Six) Sunday, everyone! Today is the day when most of us take a plastic kiddie pool and fill it with tortilla chips, dozens of jars of Cheez Whiz and pounds of ground beef before diving into it and eating it all while watching the greatest and most relevant sports event in America: THE PUPPEH BOWL! (Oh yeah, and there’s also that other not-as-popular little event where Katy Perry’s tits are going to shoot out fireworks before flopping out of her top, but who cares about that?)
At the end of the day, when your body is weighed down with deliciousness and you can barely hold a cup up to your drinking hole, take a tip from this sensei of laziness. Just lie next to a bowl full of your sweet nectar of choice and scoop the booze into your mouth with your hand. This is how it’s done:
Now that is a genius and a hero to us all!
Sherilyn Fenn (50)
Harry Styles (21)
Heather Morris (28)
Lauren Conrad (29)
Gavin Henson (33)
Rachelle Lefevre (36)
Julie Roberts (36)
Rutina Wesley (36)
Big Boi (40)
Michael C. Hall (44)
Brian Krause (46)
Lisa Marie Presley (47)
Pauly Shore (47)
Meg Cabot (48)
Princess Stephanie of Monaco (50)
Linus Roache (51)
Jackie Shroff (58)
Terry Jones (73)
Joy Philbin (74)
Don Everly (78)
I figured that Dame Helen Mirren traveled by a gold chariot pulled by two white stallions wearing feather headdresses or by a party bus with a stripper pole, but I was wrong. Dame Helen Mirren takes the subway! An Instagram user posted this picture of Dame Helen Mirren riding with the regulars on the R train on Thursday. On the L train at around 2 in the morning once, I saw a chick change her panties under her skirt and she threw her dirty panties on an empty seat. I thought that was the classiest thing I’d ever see on the subway. But that has been topped by Dame Helen Mirren looking ten layers of regal in pink gloves and a hot coat. Helen Mirren is in NYC to play THE QUEEN in a play on Broadway, so she should’ve fucked with everyone’s mind by riding the subway in full costume.
Dame Helen is a loyal fan of exquisite Lucite heels, so I love her for that and now I love her for not being one of those tricks who takes up a seat with their bag. You know who you are.
Today is the 34th anniversary of Justin Timberlake’s born day and he thanked everyone for throwing happy birthday wishes at him by Instagramming that picture with this caption:
Thank you EVERYONE for the Bday wishes! This year, I’m getting the GREATEST GIFT EVER. CAN’T WAIT. #BoyOrGirl #YouNeverKnow #WeDontEvenKnow #WeAreTakingBets
When I first saw that picture, for about a second I thought JT was kissing on someone’s ass cheeks. I thought he was really happy about getting some ass to kiss on his for his birthday and this picture was his way of coming out as a lover of salad tossing. I expected him to announce a collaboration with Drake next. But then my one brain cell (I’m being generous) started working and I realized that it’s not a pair of nalgas he has his lips on, it’s a belly full of baby. Anyone who cares about the goings on in Jessica Biel’s womb has known for a while that she’s knocked up with a TimberFetus that will hopefully inherit its dad’s natural Ramen noodle curls. Today, Justin finally confirmed that he’s going to be a dad. If you look down at your pubes, you’ll see that one of them has turned white. That’s from finding out that Justin Timberlake is going to be a dad. We’re all old.
Poor Jessica Biel. Justin hijacked her wedding cover of People Magazine and now he leaves her face out of his baby announcement picture. Are we sure that’s even Jessica? Are we sure that’s not a bewigged Joey Fatone after a belly wax?
And every drunken whore who’s sucked dick for a half-eaten 6 pack of Chicken McNuggets just said to themselves, “Been there, done that!”
Because McDonald’s really wants to be hit with more sexual harassment lawsuits, they have announced that for 12 days in February, hand-picked customers will be able to pay for this diarrhea-induced food by performing acts of love. The acts of love will be G-rated, apparently. HuffPo says that from February 2 to Valentine’s Day, a “Lovin’ Lead” manager from each McDonald’s will randomly pick a customer and ask them to do a “random act of lovin’” as payment. The “random acts” will include shit like calling your mom, blowing air kisses and giving hugs. THE FUCK? A hug? Gross and sappy! That’s like a Care Bear’s idea of prostitution. I’d rather suck a dick for a Coke than give a hug. Hugging is way too intimate.
McDonald’s announced their “Random Acts of Lovin’” campaign in a Super Bowl commercial (above).
In some eery sad news that will take you back to February 2012, CbS 46 says that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, was found unresponsive in a bathtub her home in Roswell, GA this morning. Before the police showed up to her house, Bobbi Kristina’s husband Nick Gordon and a friend tried to wake her up with CPR. When the police got there, they also performed “life-saving measures” on her until the paramedics arrived.
Bobbi Kristina was taken to North Fulton Hospital. TMZ says that doctors were able to revive her and they stabilized her breathing.
UPDATE: Well, damn. A “family source” tells TMZ that Bobbi Kristina is in ICU and her brain was swelling so doctors had to put her in a medically induced coma. Entertainment Tonight says that Bobby Brown is headed to Atlanta to be with her. TMZ also says that the police searched for the bad shit in Bobbi Kristina’s house but didn’t find any drugs.
In between going through a divorce with Whatshisname and battling a butterfly-hating nanny who threw a lawsuit at her for getting fired for showing too much “affection” to the twin Hello Kittens after working 120 hours a week, Mimi fluttered off to Jamaica to fill the ears of her Jamaican lambs with her unicorn yodel and possibly give a lip-synch show that’d make RuPaul stop the track and tell her to sashay away immediately.
Mimi headlined the Jamaica Jazz & Blues Festival last night and I went through some of the videos this morning. In some videos, Mimi sang live and other than her Windsor Fashions dresses from the late 90s, it didn’t seem like she had that many issues. But then I read a post at O-Access Jamaica that claimed that some people were not happy, because when it came time for her to sing “Fantasy,” she said “fuck it” and lazily moved her mouth through it. The video is a struggle! It’s the music performance equivalent of trying to have ass sex without lube and using spit and lotion instead. It’s awkward, painful and Mimi is trying to smile through it. I don’t know what’s going on. It looks like she’s having issues with her earpiece and either the track is screwed up or her mouth is on a 15-second delay because shit just isn’t working. A deaf cat on novocaine could lip-synch better.
Meanwhile, Ariana Grande Latte was sticking pins into the ear of her Mariah Carey voodoo doll. That black magic Bratz doll will do anything to be the true Supreme.
When Christmas was nearly canceled because of Mimi’s messy performance of “All I Want For Christmas,” some whores screamed that she really just should’ve lip-synched that shit. And now whores are screaming at her for lip-synching so badly that she made Brit Brit look like she has her PhD in lip-synching from Drag U. What do bitches want from Mimi? Actually, I doubt Mimi gives three queefs. As long as the check clears and the private jet is stocked with champagne and puppies, she no care. Yes, I’m pretty sure Mimi’s rider states that her private jet must be stocked with fresh puppies.