You know that H&R Block is sliding their business card under the door of the offices of the Academy today.
Warren Beatty read the card, Faye Dunaway read the card and saids the words on it, but PricewaterhouseCoopers, the accounting firm who tallies up all the Oscar votes, is taking the blame for the biggest awkward shit bomb to hit the Oscars stage since… well… since last year when Stacey Dash broke everyone’s eye rolling muscle.
Jimmy Kimmel’s longest running joke is that he hates Matt Damon. It started years ago on Jimmy Kimmel Live! when he joked that Matt Damon had been bumped from the show for time, which eventually spawned 2008’s viral clap-back “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” and a special all-Matt episode in 2013 called Jimmy Kimmel Sucks!. Last night, Jimmy kept the joke going by poking ans scratching at Matt Damon pretty much every chance he got.
Gary From Chicago and his fiancee Vicki Vines!
Tip: If you’re ever on one of those tourist bus tours through Hollywood and they take you to a mysterious theater to see some kind of mysterious exhibit, make sure you’re in the front, because they may be taking your ass to the Oscars. And you’ll want to be in front so that you can get married by Denzel Washington, get a free pair of sunglasses from Jennifer Aniston and be the first to jack off Mahershala Ali’s Oscar.
Grant Show (55)
Nicole Linkletter (32)
Kate Mara (34)
Josh Groban (36)
Chelsea Clinton (37)
Bobby V (37)
Peter Andre (44)
Li Bingbing (44)
Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas (46)
Donal Logue (51)
Noah Emmerich (52)
Adam Baldwin (55)
Johnny Van Zant (58)
Timothy Spall (60)
Neal Schon (63)
Debra Monk (68)
Ralph Nader (83)
Joanne Woodward (87)
Elizabeth Taylor (1932 – 2011)
If you’re like me, then you’re probably looking at your bong right now while saying, “What in the fuck did I smoke tonight?” Because when the Oscar for Best Picture was announced by Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty tonight, Faye announced La La Land as the winner and we quickly learned that Moonlight was the true winner. Goddamnit, why couldn’t this have happened on election night?!
After everyone from La La Land got on stage and started accepting the award, a giant WTF hit us all when they figured out that they lost to Moonlight. Warren Beatty explained that he was given the wrong card and I don’t even know what really happened. But I do know that Steve Harvey mouth farted out a giant cloud of relief, because he’s no longer the biggest fuck up when it comes to naming the rightful winner on a card. It was five tons of awkward wrapped in forty layers of mess and drizzled with a sauce made of potent fuckery. Damn you, Faye, Warren and whoever was in charge of the cards for fucking up Moonlight’s moment like this!
— Good Morning America (@GMA) February 27, 2017
I hope this means that Leonardo DiCaprio was so stoned from vaping backstage that he read “Emma Stone” instead of “Isabelle Huppert” and Brie Larson blacked out for a second and read “Casey Affleck” instead of “Denzel Washington.”
When I woke up this morning, I told myself that two sure things were going to happen today: 1. I am going to end the night drunkenly crying at the bottom of a hot shower. 2. Viola Davis is going to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. The second one happened tonight (and the first one will happen later, I’m sure).
Even though CATEGORY FRAUD WAS COMMITTED, Viola finally won an Oscar tonight for Fences and she deserved it 100%, because nobody can snot cry on cue like she can. Viola said in her speech, “I became an artist, and thank God I did, because we are the only profession who celebrates what it means to live a life.” Um, with all due respect, Viola Davis obviously doesn’t know of a profession called “burger maker at In-N-Out,” because they put pure life between two buns every single day.
Viola won an Emmy for How To Get Away With Murder, she’s won two Tonys for Fences and King Hedley II and she won an Oscar tonight. Well, if her Oscars speech tonight was released as an album, she’d definitely win a Grammy next year and the EGOT would be hers! That’s if fucking Adele doesn’t release an album this year.