Act Now! Jared Leto’s “30 Seconds To Mars” Merch Is Timely And Informative

/ September 19, 2018

Nobody’s favorite band, 30 Seconds to Mars, has new merchandise so now you too can look like a middle aged hipster with a penchant for silk and a Jesus complex! Jared Leto seems to be taking his cues from Kanye West and believes he too, has a deeper understanding of the universe and how it has shaped the American psyche and that existence on a higher level of consciousness can only be translated through the mediums of social media and ugly, overpriced “fashion”. Now, if your common Target brand little brain is ready for some real art, please proceed.

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Porsha Williams Of “Real Housewives Of Atlanta” Is Expecting A Baby

/ September 19, 2018

Bye, Ashy, and hello, baby! Since it seems like WIG aka Kim ZolciakSheree Whitfield, and Kenya Moore are no more on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I was wondering how in hell they are going to fill the show since there are only so many hours one can take of NeNe Leakes saying “Bloop!” I guess Porsha Williams decided to be benevolent (and try to up her check) because she announced today she’s expecting her first baby.

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Millie Bobby Brown Is Text Friends With Drake

/ September 19, 2018

Today in “extremely random friendships that I couldn’t have predicted even with the help of a crystal ball” news, 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown of Stranger Things claims she’s friend with 31-year-old Drake. This is the second time this week Drake has made the news for his relationship with a teen girl, except this relationship is a lot more G-rated.

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Open Post: Hosted By Duchess Meghan’s Eyes Lighting Up While Looking At Her Wedding Dress

/ September 19, 2018

I was all about to cynically hate on Duchess Meghan for saying FUCK YES to the dress with her eyes, but I cannot blame her. My eyes would transform into exploding 4,000 watt Philips Hue light bulbs (in shade: hot ginger) if I was looking at the outfit I was going to wear on the day that I could say goodbye to seeing a late fee on a credit card bill and say hello to happily spreading burn cream on my lips (you decide which ones) after rubbing ’em on the royal ginger crotch scepter every night.

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Angela Bassett Can’t Be Bothered With The New York Times Mistaking Her For Omarosa 

/ September 19, 2018

Angela Bassett puts us all to shame in the aging department in that she just doesn’t age. Well, now she also puts us to shame in being able to not having her head blow off into the next county in a fit of rage over being confused with probably the last person she ever wanted to get mistaken for. The New York Times ran a photo from the Emmys yesterday of Angela and Tiffany Haddish presenting Rachel Brosnahan with her Best Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy…only an early edition of the Times said it was Omarosa Manigault Newmant, y’know, because she’s always taking center stage at the Emmys. Social media handled it about as well as you would expect…but Angela seems to be taking it all in stride!

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Maroon 5 Is Probably Going To Headline The 2019 Super Bowl Halftime Show 

/ September 19, 2018

During this year’s Super Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake offended The Purple One by putting his pucker-inducing image on fucking laundry, I figured that Pepsi was torturing us so that we’d scream, “Enough! Enough! Okay, okay, bring back that creepy happy cult from the 70s. We give up!” I guess they want us to scream louder, because the halftime performers of 2019’s Super Bowl will be Heavy Flow Stain Cinco aka Maroon 5. “Honey, I think someone spilled the ranch, feta, and French onion dip onto the floor” will be heard at Super Bowl parties everywhere after middle-aged moms shoot out a coochie geyser from watching Adam Levine make orgasm faces.

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