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Pic: Derek Blanks
Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!
Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:
“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”
TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.
This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.
Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.
UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this:
Hilary Duff’s back with a new song and video that reminds you that 2004 was a year that existed in time and she’s never letting it go – Drunken Stepfather
Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow went a movie premiere in the Hamptons together, but the real story is that she actually sat on a theater seat that has been sat on by thousands of peasants. Yeah, right. She probably made the theater sandblast all the seats with organic bleach before reupholstering them with beluga whale leather – Lainey Gossip
Can Leonardo DiCatchAHo please take his piece Toni Garrn to the name changing office to get a new name already, because I don’t like getting my hopes up when I read “Toni Garrn Topless On A Boat” as “Teri Garr Topless On A Boat” - WWTDD
Brandi AnalGlandVille is putting out a new wine she should call Glan Juice, and I guess this means that it’s only a matter of time before you see a bottle of Chateau Falkor on sale at Big Lots – Celebitchy
How many Hobbit movies do we need????? – Towleroad
The Couples Therapy reunion is going to be like walking through a rose garden. So many demure and delicate flowers…. – Reality Tea
What in Gollum in a Missoni playsuit HELL is this? – The Superficial
Chrissy Teigen knows how to dress – Hollywood Tuna
JLo Kardashian is still wearing her wedding ring, which means she’s still married, which means I lost the Dlisted office pool, which means that Allison is now the proud owner of a half-used Chili’s gift card – Popoholic
Let this drunk flower show you the easiest way to get all the diseases at once – Jezebel
Nerdception: Harry Potter disguised himself at Spider-Man to go to Comic-Con – ICYDK
Happy Lipstick Day! – The Berry
Derp happiness is Leonardo DiCaprio joyfully picking his ass during a water gun battle – Popsugar
When the Hulk met the Hulk – SOW
Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres do the damage control strut – Just Jared
via Bro My God
That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.
The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.
Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.
If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?
Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen? That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.
And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.
Somebody call Wilford Brimley and tell him we’ve got a code red senior citizen situation on our hands! The toxic rug glue from Tony Bennett’s perfect salt-and-pepper pepaw hairpiece has seeped into his brain and dissolved the part that’s able to distinguish talent from hot messy bullshit. Either that, or Lady Gaga has some career-killing dirt on Tony Bennett and she’s blackmailing him with it. “Let me record a crappy album with you, or else the whole world will know that _____”. I can’t even think of what it might be, since the more embarrassing thing I can think of is working with Lady Gaga. Maybe getting diarrhea at Girl Scout camp (lemme hear you scream if you also couldn’t handle BBQ chips as a kid!)
Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga were on the Today show this morning to promote the soon-to-be-released album of jazz duets they recorded together called Cheek to Cheek (you know that tacky bitch probably wanted to call it Ass to Ass). They also teased the video for the first single off the album, a version of Cole Porter’s ”Anything Goes”. The video isn’t done yet (they’re still Photoshopping her jawline) but they’ve released the song online:
Obviously Tony Bennett sounds flawless. THE END. But then there’s Gaga. She sounds like a hyperactive musical theatre-obsessed kid named Kevin auditioning for his middle-school production of Peter Pan. It’s basically Glee’s Rachel Berry crossed with MadTV’s Stuart. K.D. Lang heard it and was like “Damn Tony, did you lose my number?”
Here’s more of Tony Bennett looking like a Boca Raton mob boss and Lady Gaga looking like an extracted blackhead at the Today show this morning, as well as Gaga looking like a slutty genie the night before posing on the hood of someone’s car. Get off the car, trick! You ain’t no Kelly Bundy!
Last week, THE QUEEN got caught in a picture taken by two Australian hockey plays who were later arrested by the royal guards, tried for treason and have been forced to work as Prince Phillip’s diaper nurse for jumping into HER picture. Well, at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow yesterday, Prince Hot Ginge had to show THE QUEEN up and let everyone know that he’s the best photobomber of the royal family. New Zealand rugby coach Sir Gordon Tietjens, Sport Manawatu chief executive Trevor Shailer and sports psychologist Gary Hermansson were taking a picture together when behind them, a panty creaming ginger lighting bolt popped into their picture. Those dudes were probably wondering why it felt like the sun was humping their backs. Fun fact: The dude on the left had a full head of silver hair before this picture was taken, but all of it burned off as soon as PHG jumped in.
I don’t know Sir Gordon, Trevor and Gary, but I hate them and I’m so jealous I could barf all over them. Because they can say that Prince Hot Ginge has bombed them hard from behind while flashing two thumbs up. Who can say that’s happened to them? (Cut to every skinny ass, dirty blonde white trick in Britain raising her hand.)
If you’ve ever wanted to hear a silence like you’ve never heard before, gather the entire fashion industry together and ask them which one of them takes Kendall Jenner seriously as a model. You wouldn’t even hear crickets, because the crickets would find a way to shut their mouths up. They don’t want you to think they’re on Team Pimp Mama Kris.
Kendull Jenner wouldn’t be one of PMK’s spawns if liquid delusion didn’t run through her veins and feed her brain. Kendull is on the cover of Love Magazine and everyone knows that she only got that cover, because Kim Kartrashian wrapped her kooch around Ray-J’s macaroni-shaped dick in front of a camera a million years ago and Kanye West regularly sips tea with the fashion people. But Kendall tells Love (via The Cut) that being a member of a family of fame whores actually hurt her and she hard to work extra hard to be seen as a high-fashion model and the gigs didn’t just magically come to her. (Insert your “the gigs did just magically come to her right after Riccardo Tisci came on Kanye” jokes here.)
“I was like, ‘You know what? I want to be high fashion. I want to be taken seriously … People think that this [success] just came to me. But it didn’t. What I have has almost worked against me. I had to work even harder to get where I wanted because people didn’t take me seriously as a model. Because of the TV show. I went on castings and some people weren’t feeling me because of my name. But it was great when people didn’t recognize me. I was like, ‘Thank you. Please don’t recognize me.’”
Kendull might’ve gotten an F- in reading from Pimp Mama Kris’ Homeschool of Whoring, but she got an A+ in delusion and that’s all that matters.
Kendull really needs to give credit where is due. The only thing that worked hard to get her a Givenchy campaign was Kanye’s jaw on Riccardo Tisci. No, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that Kanye overworked his jaw while whining at Riccardo to put his sister-in-law in a Givenchy ad. Yeah, that’s what I meant….
The Internet Is Not Happy About Paramount Using This Poster To Promote The Release Of The Ninja Turtles Movie On Sept. 11
Those crime-fighting botched broccoli abortions are breathing a sigh of relief because FOR ONCE they’re not the most embarrassing thing on the poster.
Earlier today, Paramount Pictures Australia tweeted a picture of the official poster for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to promote the Australian release of the movie on September 11, 2014. Unfortunately, neither they, nor the graphic designer in charge of adding the words “In theatres September 11″ to an image of 4 humanoid reptiles falling out of a burning New York City building, seemed to realize this might not be a great idea. Obviously, it took about 0.3 seconds before people on Twitter noticed and started nervously tugging at their collars, so they deleted the tweet, as well as a Facebook post containing an image of the poster.
I want to believe this was a dumb mistake, but honestly, who doesn’t know that pairing the words “September 11″ with anything other than the image of a majestic soaring eagle is a bad idea? Okay, they’re from Australia, I get it – they don’t know everything about America. But it’s like they were playing a losing game of 9/11 Tetris with that poster. It’s just a 12-car pile-up of semi-poor taste: not only are they falling from a building, it’s a building in downtown New York City, and it’s exploding, and it’s on fire, and it’s broad daylight, and they second-largest set of words on the poster after NINJA TURTLES is SEPTEMBER 11TH.
But as much as I’m throwing them some “You serious, Clark?“ side-eye, I have no idea what picture of the turtles they could have used instead. I’m sure the Australian designers saw the release date of September 11 and thought “Please let there be a scene with Leonardo and April O’Neil sharing a moment of quiet reflection in front of a Precious Moments figurine“ but it’s a Michael Bay movie; every frame is required to have a fiery explosion. It’s ‘splosion porn! So I blame whoever has the power to change the date of the movie. No, not the release date; change the number. Making up a new one. September 11 1/2 or September-ish or something. Get Donatello on it, he’s the smart one.
In the early 2000s, Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck were best brofriends forever, but then Jennifer Garner came along and took a sledgehammer to their happy bromance home. Kevin was in San Diego last week for Comic-Con and Yahoo! Movies asked him if Ben Affleck was in town to promote that Batman v. Superman mess and Kevin used that time to call out Jennifer Garner for being a bromance-wrecking killer of dude bro dreams and friendships. Kevin says that Jennifer doesn’t like seeing his face or hearing him talk and she’s pretty much the reason why Ben Affleck kicked him out of his life the same way Southwest kicked him off of their plane for being too fat to fly.
“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades. That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”
Kevin Smith obviously still holds onto the half-broken BFFs4EVA heart pendant that he and Ben bought together at Claire’s, because he can’t let go. Yahoo! Movies also points out that during his Silent Bob Speaks show at Carnegie Hall earlier this month, Kevin’s XXXXXL denim culottes twisted up into his asshole when he told the audience that Jennifer Garner’s funny bone was replaced with a stick up her ass and she sucked the raunchiness out of Ben:
“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your ass.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.
I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”
It’s the worst when a friend’s new ho hates you. My best friend in high school dated this asshole-wrapped cunt burger who controlled her completely and didn’t want her to have any friends. True story, he once cut a slit in the Tasmanian Devil stuffed toy she kept on her bed and put some of his hair in it, because he wanted her to hug a piece of him at night. He was like Marky Mark in Fear without the six-pack. We fought all the time and he told me once that I just wanted to fuck her. After he said those words to me, I immediately punched out the address to the nearest hospital in Braille on a piece of paper and gave it to him, because his eyeballs obviously needed emergency medical attention since he couldn’t see that I look like the last person who wants to get intimate with a coochie.
But really, Kevin Smith is so full of shit. A trick with the initials JG is the reason why his and Ben’s friendship died, but it’s not Jennifer Garner. It’s Jersey Girl! That smegma-covered turd destroyed friendships, lives and everything else.