Amanda Seyfried Has A Case Of Fetus Fever

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Behold, the one person who might actually envy Michelle Duggar’s perpetual motion machine vagina. Amanda Seyfried recently admitted to Marie Claire UK that she wants a baby inside her RIGHT NOW. Amanda’s womb is ready for a visitor and her ovaries are furiously swiping right on every sperm they see on Fertilizer (aka Tinder for eggs). Amanda, who is currently dating Justin Long, is only 29 years old, but apparently her reproductive parts are screaming at her to get sperminated before they turn into a mummified pile of dust.

“I keep feeling like my eggs are dying off. Once you’ve turned 30, you might only have a 20 per cent of getting pregnant [each cycle]. And that’s if everything is working well. Isn’t that crazy? I need to get on it. I want a child, badly. I’ve been feeling it it for like, two years. I’m not ready, but nobody is ready.”

She goes on to say that she’s also ready for marriage, but don’t expect to see her posing for Vogue in a wedding gown. According to Amanda: “I do premieres and dress up all the time. I do that for a fucking living.

Amanda doesn’t have to worry that much about her chances of finding a fetus in her babymaker. If a 65-year-old grandma can get knocked up, I’m sure science will be able to find a way for 29-year-old Amanda. What I’d be more concerned about is just how bad it would be for your babymaker if the excessive amount of canned nacho cheese residue traveling through your body every day around 7pm were to seep through your intestines and collect on your uterus. For real, is that a thing that can happen? I’m asking for “friend“.

But Amanda’s not totally without a cuddly snuggle baby in her life. Here she is with her dog Finn in New York last week.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Disclosing tablets, the snitch ass bitches who will call your nasty teeth out and expose your lazy brushing ways!

Disclosing tablets may look like Dot Candy and also may look like they taste as delicious as chewable Tylenol tablets (Side note: I lived for the taste of chewable Tylenol tablets when I was kid and it’s surprising I didn’t overdose on that shit.), but they are the exact opposite of candy and taste gross. I don’t even know if kids nowadays have to chew on that nasty crap when going to the dentist. They probably all have daVinci veneers installed at birth.

The first or second time I went to the dentist, he made me brush in front of him and afterward, I had to chew on a disclosing tablet. Not only did chewing on a disclosing tablet give me gorgeous tie-die teef (click here if you really need to see what that looks like), but it also showed the plaque I missed while brushing. It turned the plaque either blue or bright red. You also had to be careful with that mess, because if it got on your clothes, it would leave stain and look like Poochie got her period on you.

I’m glad that as a total grown up (HAHAHA) I don’t have to chew on that nastiness when going to the dentist (and neither does Pete Doherty, because I’m sure a disclosing tablet would explode in his hand even before he put it in his mouth). Since I’m an adult now, my dentist just lectures me before taking it out on me with his drill. So much better than those blabbermouth tablets.

Pic: Google

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Birthday Sluts

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Andrea Barber (39)
Olivia Munn (35)
Ludivine Sagnier (36)
Patrick Wilson (42)
Julian Assange (44)
Audra McDonald (45)
Shawnee Smith (46)
Sandra Lee (49)
Connie Nielsen (50)
Yeardley Smith (51)
Tom Cruise (53)
Thomas Gibson (53)
Hunter Tylo (53)
Montel Williams (59)
Betty Buckley (68)
Gloria Allred (74)
Tom Stoppard (78)

Pic: Getty

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Night Crumbs

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Matt Damon has a ponytail now. Um, doesn’t Matt realize that Ben Affleck is the one who’s supposed to grow a totally hot post break-up, mid-life crisis ponytail? Matt Damon has never really done things to me, but now that he looks like a clean and shaven Leonardo DiCatchAHo cosplayer, he is doing things to me  – Lainey Gossip 

Tiger Woods denies passing his always wandering peen to a fellow golfer’s ex-wife, which means he totally passed his always wandering peen to a fellow golfer’s ex-wife – The Superficial 

Somebody needs to turn this crazy Christian lady’s extra campy rant into a disco dance remix. It’ll be the perfect thing to play at the reception of a gay wedding – Towleroad

NeNe “I Am A Rich Bitch” Leakes is trying to act like she doesn’t only care about money – Reality Tea

How to make your yoga video a one hundred percent more interesting: get your cat to pussy block the camera – Hollywood Tuna  

Why did I just mistake a pregnant Evangeline Lilly for Katey Sagal? – Drunken Stepfather

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady are too famous for some EXCLUSIVO Boston country club – Celebitchy

The new and longer Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp trailer still needs more gay sex. It has gay flirting, but it definitely needs gay sex – The Berry 

Everyone’s new favorite panty creamer Ruby Rose walked to her car – Moe Jackson 

Kelly Kapowski had another baby – Popsugar

Nicole Scherzinger looks like a fly trying to give sexyface – Popoholic

Marisa Tomei is playing a lesbian billionaire in Empire next season – Just Jared

It actually took longer than I thought for the tabloids to say that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage ate shit because his dick wanted a piece of JLo again – ICYDK

John Travolta really needs to take the new Lex Luthor wig shopping – Egotastic

It’s the end of an era on Sesame Street SOW

In “EVERYONE saw this coming news,”  Diddy will not face felony charges for allegedly attacking his son’s football coach – Variety

Pic: Splash

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Former CNN Anchor Lynne Russell And Her Husband Were Involved In A Deadly Shoot Out At A Motel 6

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Lynne Russell, who was an anchor on CNN Headline News for 18 years, and her husband Chuck de Caro, who was a special assignments correspondent on CNN in the 80s, were staying at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque, New Mexico when their night turned into some shit out of a Michael Mann movie.

Lynne has a black belt and Chuck used to be a Green Beret, so you know they’re members of the Not The One Club. CNN says that on Tuesday night, Lynne and Check stopped at the Motel 6 during a road trip from DC to California. It was just before midnight when Lynne left their room and went to their car to get something. Lynne noticed a strange dude throwing her looks. As she walked back to her room, the strange dude followed her. When she got to her room, he forced himself in. Chuck was in the shower at the time and when he heard some foolery going on, he walked out naked and wet and found the dude holding a gun to his wife. The Albuquerque Journal says that Chuck and Lynne both tried to reason with the gunman. I’ll pause here as you paint the image of a naked and wet Chuck trying to calm down a robber with a loaded weapon.

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Open Post: Hosted By Demi Lovato Giving You Lot Lizard Glamour For Days

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Demi Lovato or her stylist (who was most likely the costumer on Avenging Angel) gets it! They know that you haven’t achieved that perfect summer chic look until you’ve put on an outfit that was once worn by an Atlantic City day-shift hooker in the middle of August. Demi Lovato is serving up “5 for a blow, 20 for a lay” vibes.

Demi wore this look of elegance to the launch of her national “‘Cool for the Summer’ Pool Party Tour” on the rooftop of the Gansevoort Park Avenue hotel in NYC. Yes, Demi wore this ho shit uniform to a pool party. You now know what to wear to every pool party you’re invited to this summer. You better start sifting through the bins and racks at Goodwill for a discarded 90s Fly Girl bra and denim diapers. You can make those hot boots yourself using construction netting and a can of black spray paint. And don’t forget to really bring the sophistication by working a melting spray tan like Demi!

Pics: Getty

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LeAnn Rimes And Eddie Cibrian Are Allegedly Broke And Owe Their Friends $350,000

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I’d make a joke about Brandi Glanville laughing manically as she repeatedly pokes a pin in the wallet area of her Eddie Cibrian voodood doll, but that unemployed troublemaker is in no position to be laughing at anyone’s financial situation. But back to Eddie and his Spitting Image puppet-looking wife LeAnn Rimes. Eddie and LeAnn are allegedly so broke that they have been forced to beg their friends for money. Except it’s not like a “Can I borrow $20?” kind of thing, it’s more like a “Can you loan me a couple hundred thousand dollars” friendship-killing kind of thing.

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Scientology’s Crown Jewel Of Crazy Might Be Leaving Them

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Let’s see, a few days ago, I felt sorry for that piece of trash Parasite Hilton (when I shouldn’t have) and now I learn that there’s an itty bitty sliver of a chance that Scientology’s golden son Tom Cruise is thinking of pulling his head out of L. Ron Hubbard’s asshole for once and for all. It’s the end of the world as we know it and I don’t feel fine, because I don’t want civilization to end until Lifetime’s inevitably shitty movie about the making of Melrose Place comes out.

Block of Salt Weekly (aka Star Magazine) says that Tommy Girl is thinking of shocking the Thetans off of every Scientologist by turning in his OT-VII crown for the sake of Suri Cruise. Some source says that a crack in Tommy’s brainwashed shell of insanity formed during a recent phone call with Suri. Tommy hasn’t seen Suri’s face in person for over a year, because Katie’s afraid he will fill their daughter’s head with more Xenu talk and because Scientology doesn’t want him getting close to those suppressive traitors. Tommy feels like he has to choose between Suri and the cult of lunatics who need his money to keep their factory of fuckery going.

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Robin Thicke Knows How Embarrassing He Was During His “Get Paula Patton Back” Phase

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with The New York Times, feminine odor’s arch nemesis Robin Thicke confessed something anyone with two ears and a basic understanding of shame already knew: that his pathetic attempt to win his estranged wife Paula Patton back after she left him was beyond embarrassing. Robin has finally realized that releasing an entire album dedicated to the woman who finally got tired of finding random thongs in the laundry wasn’t such a great idea. The same goes for promoting it with the desperation of a “Can I Borrow A Feeling“-singing Kirk Van Houten. Robin knows now.

Robin says his “Aha!” moment (or maybe it was more of an “Oh shit” moment) came shortly after he dedicated his performance of “Forever Love” at the 2014 BET Awards to Paula. Robin was confronted by a friend who got real with him and not-so-subtly told him he looked “like a sucker“.

“What I thought was romantic was just embarrassing. And he said, “You should just go away for a while.” So I shut everything down. I took some time off to be with my son, and to be with my family and close friends. And the more time I took off, the more everything became clear.”

Even though every song on Paula was a damn disaster, Robin doesn’t have any regrets about recording them. Because that’s how Robin is.

“Look, my songwriting has always been autobiographical, and always will be. The ‘Paula’ album was no different. I was struggling through my toughest time, and I decided to share it. And I remember my team and my record company didn’t want me to put it out, but they stuck by me. In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently was, I wouldn’t have promoted it or sold it. I would have given it away. That would have kept the purity of the message intact.”

You mean I could have gotten this shit for free?” said all six of the people who bought Paula. A group that includes Robin’s horny papa Alan Thicke, who was no doubt responsible for 2/3 of the sales. At least Robin can sleep well tonight knowing that someone, somewhere is trying to make his wish come true by giving away their copy of Paula for free. Sure, so far nobody but the trash can will take it, but at least that somebody is trying.

Pic: YouTube

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