A Pile Of Butchered Space Snakes + A Warrior Ballerina + A Heaping Cup Of Nope = Taylor Swift At The Met Gal

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier I threw up pictures of Carrie Underwoods wearing Judy Jetson’s quince dress. Well, here’s 2007 Chrissy Crocker’s hair twin Taylor Swift wearing the quince after-party dress that Judy Jetson snatched out of a clearance bin at a Wet Seal outlet on Mars.

Taylor Swift is about as edgy as the heart-shaped tear trickling down the face of a porcelain Precious Moments figurine, but yet she’s still trying to drive in RiRi’s lane. Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms is like that preppy friend in junior high school named Chelsea (pronounced Chell-sea-uh) who comes back from summer break as a goth girl, and her idea of goth is wearing black chipped nail polish and writing lyrics from The Smiths songs on her paper bag book cover during homeroom.

The mess of a look that Taylor wore to tonight’s MESS Gala needs some Adderall, because it’s all over the place. From the neck up is “little girl doing half-assed Debbie Harry drag.” From the neck down to her knees is “extra in Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” (Side note: I can’t believe I’m referencing Zenon.) And from the knees down is “ballerina who works as a biker bar stripper at night and doesn’t have time to change shoes.

Because of those space scales and those shoes, I don’t know whether to throw her back into the space ocean or tell her ass to twirl away. Why not both?!

Pic: Getty

Afternoon Crumbs

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Prince Hot Ginge met with Canada’s Prime Minister (and the mash-up of Peter Facinelli and James Marsden) Justin Trudeau today to promote next year’s Invictus Games in Toronto. And this may be the first time I’ve ever been jealous of the Canadian flag, because look how close it is to being the meat in a hot ginge and Canadian hot piece sandwich – Lainey Gossip

To the surprise of absolutely no one who has a drop of common sense, Kelly Ripa turned her rage over being blindsided by ABC into more $$$$$$ in her checking account – Celebitchy

What in disco funeral HELL is Taylor Swift wearing? – Drunken Stepfather

Shannon Beador’s Orange County mansion sold for $9 million – Reality Tea 

Jean-Claude Van Damme is onto the Illuminati’s Trump-hating ways! – The Superficial 

The Dixie Chicks did Beyonce’s Daddy LessonsTowleroad

If you worked with Chris Evans (not the Captain America one) on The Big Breakfast in the 90s, there’s a chance that he may have you given your eyes an unsolicited dick flashing show – Jezebel

Yes, the new Ghostbusters trailer sucks, but how is it the most hated trailer on YouTube when the Fifty Shades of Shit trailer exists on YouTube? – Egotastic!

Now we know why Julia Roberts had to recycle that polyester wig from Notting Hill for her role in Mother’s Day. It’s because they blew the budget on her $3 million paycheck and didn’t have enough money to buy a better wig – Pajiba

I never thought I’d type this, but I’d much rather look at Asslee Simpson’s ass cheeks than Evan Ross’ tragic Amish hipster look – The Nip Slip 

The Jungle Book ate up and shit out Mother’s Day this past weekend – HuffPo

Kristen Stewart still looks like she belongs on a Hair of Meth poster – Popoholic

That teddy dress makes Charlotte McKinney’s chichis look like a satin neck pillow – Hollywood Tuna  

I want to party on a bus full of drunk giraffes – The Berry 

In case you were wondering if Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas are still fuck buddies… – Just Jared

“Panama City Beach lot lizard” eleganza brought to you by Miley CyrusPopsugar

Pic: Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By Carrie Underwood Wearing Judy Jetson’s Quinceañera Dress

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Tonight’s Met(h) Gala theme is “Fashion in an Age of Technology,” so brace yourselves for messes showing up looking like C-3PO’s side trick C-3PHO or like the worst dressed at a Tron-themed prom. That’s why I’m guessing that Carrie Underwood’s stylist got their events mixed up, because at last night’s 2016 American Country Countdown Awards (which I’m glad exists because 34,588 country music award shows aren’t enough) in L.A., she showed up wearing the underthings of a robot’s wedding dress. That dress looks like what would be born if the Tin Man and Glinda the Good Witch’s ball gown were able to fuck and make babies.

Carrie’s stylist must’ve thought that the best way to ~edgy~ her up is to dress her like Katy Perry performing in Disneyland’s Tomorrowland. Because besides that cyborg cotillion shit above, she also performed in a dress that made her look like a cocktail waitress at a bar/casino owned by a hardcore Star Wars nerd. I am all for tricks changing up their look, but Carrie Underwood needs to put her stylist on probation, because she just can’t pull off wearing robot wings as chichi covers.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Hawaii Won’t Let Woody Harrelson Open A Medical Marijuana Dispensary

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

What a shame; if anyone should be given the thumbs-up to sell weed in Hawaii, it’s the person in the picture above. Woody Harrelson, one of the very few people who is able to look stoned even when he might not be (that suit jacket is throwing me off), is apparently trying to open his medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii. Unfortunately, he won’t be saying the words “Aloha and mahalo for choosing Woody’s for all your pakalolo needs” anytime soon.

Woody applied for a license early in 2016 on behalf of his company, Simple Organic Living LLC, after Hawaii created the Medical Marijuana Dispensary Program. Sadly, Reuters (via People) says that the Hawaii Department of Health denied Woody’s application on Friday. But Woody wasn’t the only one who was going home that night and smoking a cheer-up bowl; out of more than 60 applications, the state apparently only accepted 8. So, sorry, the 52+ other people. It looks like it’s back to Craigslist and the parking lot at Zippy’s for now.

There was no reason given for why Hawaii didn’t want Woody selling weed. Maybe the person in charge of approving applications thought it was Woody from Cheers who was applying, and they were afraid his slow ass would end up getting repeatedly hustled by Hawaiian high school stoners. Oh well. I’m sure that hasn’t derailed Woody’s dream of being the Newman’s Own of pot. What am I saying? Even if he woke up one morning and didn’t want to sell weed, I’m sure people would still approach him on the street with a handful of cash asking “So, how do we do this?” Like I mentioned above, Woody Harrelson was blessed with a face that says “Of course I can help you get some weed.

Pic: Splash

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Madge And Rocco Ritchie Together Again On Instagram

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

When we last wrote about the disastrous custody fight over 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Rocco had stopped fighting with his mom for a second to reunite with her at her house in London. Well, it looks like things between them are still okay.

Madge and Guy’s next court room battle royale isn’t until June, but a judge told both of those messes to try and work out their custody issues privately. Maybe they proved that miracles do exist and they were able to stop being wrecks, because Rocco has been spending a lot of time with Madge. People says that Madge has been staying in London, where Rocco is temporarily living with his dad, ever since her Rebel Heart tour ended. I guess Rocco also got over being mad that his mom keeps putting pictures of him on her Instagram, because over the weekend she posted this new picture of them together. Madge posted it with the caption:

madgeweneeeed

We need what, exactly? More booze? Because if you replaced Rocco with a long-haired black chihuahua rolling his eyes, I’d be Madge on a Friday night after drowning all of my sorrows in Hawaiian Punch, vodka and the good shit. Madge is giving me “Siamese Cat wax figurine right after chasing two Ambiens with a glass of red wine” and Rocco is giving me “first toke of the night.” That makes sense, because many people have to be drunk to hang out with a hormonal teenager (“Tell me about it.” – my mom during my teen years) and many people probably also have to be stoned to hang out with Madge.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Kerry Washington Is Probably Pregnant Again

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

As you can see from the picture above, Kerry Washington was giving a master class in pregnancy distraction technique at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night. Purse in front of stomach? Check. Bright lipstick to draw attention away from stomach? Check. Unnecessary ruffle to draw eyes away from stomach in the event the makeup wasn’t distracting enough? Check. Dress that looks like it was made from Vantablack to kill even the slightest hint of a bump? Check? Even if she wasn’t trying to hide a pregnancy, it sure as hell looked like it.

According to E! News, Kerry Washington actually was working that baby-hiding game on Saturday night, because she’s got a baby in her. Two sources have confirmed to E! that Kerry is expecting her second child with her husband of almost 3 years, Nnamdi Asomugha. Well, that’s one way to silence the divorce rumors for a while. Kerry and Nnamdi already have a 2-year-old daughter named Isabelle Amarachi.

Kerry is all about putting her pointer finger to her lips and going “Ssshhhhh” when it comes to her personal life. She kept her wedding a secret and she kept the birth of her first kid a secret too. So who knows when or if she’ll announce that she’s pregnant. Kerry is supposed to show up at the Met Gala this evening. Maybe she’ll do the hand-on-bump pose (aka Hollywood’s favorite way to confirm a pregnancy) on the red carpet. Or maybe she’ll try to keep things quiet by hiding behind a lamp the whole night, who knows. There’s also no word on whether or not Kerry’s pregnancy will be written into Scandal. But if Shonda Rhimes decides not to write it in, there’s a chance Scandal’s 6th season could be delayed.

For now though, it appears that she’s letting her purses do the talking for her. Here’s Kerry with a giant red purse over her stomach area at Good Morning America this morning.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s Carly Fiorina Falling….

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Because one of Dlisted’s favorite pastimes is joining together to laugh at someone falling, here’s the secret weapon that is miraculously going to win Ted Cruz the Republican presidential nomination falling over at a rally in Lafayette, Indiana yesterday. Right as Donald Trump knocked a Carly Fiorina voodoo doll off of a table, Ted Cruz’s premature running mate fell over after announcing him as the next President of the United States. When Carly went down, it looked like the only Cruzes who cared were Heidi and one of her daughters, as Ted kept on fucking that chicken. Get into Carly falling through an invisible trap door:

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

If Carly popped back up and said, “Don’t bother me, I’m just wasted,” everyone would’ve just shrugged, because almost anyone involved in this circus of an election has to be tanked morning, noon and night to get through that shit. Mediate posted another angle of Cruz’s omen, and Carly doesn’t really fall off of the stage. She just falls over, and Ted Cruz sort of looks at her and keeps on shaking hands. It still gives me shades of this important moment in the history of falling (and ignoring):

Carly tried, but she still didn’t out-fall the Queen of Falls Michelle Williams!

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Amy Schumer Isn’t Here For Fans Who Take Her Picture Without Her Permission

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

I have only asked for a picture with a famous person once in my life. It was with Weird Al Yankovic, and by the way I was acting, you’d think I was asking him for a kidney or something; just lots of apologizing and embarrassment (and also severe anxiety from trying not to shit my pants). Thankfully, he didn’t mind. But some celebrities aren’t so psyched when you put a camera in their face and ask for a selfie, and they’re especially not into it if they say no and you do it anyway. For example, if you see Amy Schumer on the street and wonder what face she’ll make if you were to pull out your iPhone, that “Not into your shit” look above might be a pretty good indication.

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What Kind Of Trashy Shit Did Justin Bieber Get Called Out For Today?

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Believe it or not, those hideous ass tulip hem jeans from the shitty bowels of the 90s aren’t the most offensive thing in that picture.

Justin Bieber’s dried drop of dick discharge of a daddy Jeremy Bieber (not to be confused with his other daddy Usher) and his fiancee Chelsea Rebelo threw an engagement party at a mansion in Toronto on Saturday, and the whole thing was as tacky as you’d expect. The engagement party was also supposed to be an “art show,” and it should’ve been called “Douches On Display,” but the show was called  “Nyotaimori Celebrating Life Love And Art” instead. There was a Batmobile and people in superhero costumes, and the douche-induced rash clinging to the inside of humanity’s vagina performed for guests. You would think that forcing guests to listen to Justin Bieber would be the biggest act of cruelty to happen at that party, but it wasn’t.

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