If only Gavin Rossdale could turn back time. One might think he would go back to the moment in which his hair whispered “Put more Frost n’ Tip on me, Gavin!” or the time his penis whispered “Put me inside the nanny, Gavin!” But if you ask Gavin, he’d like to go back to a couple years ago and try to convince Gwen Stefani to not file for divorce.
Gwen and Gavin were married for 13 years and have three kids, but that train fell off the rails after she finally had enough after allegedly catching him cheating. Gavin spoke about his split from Gwen to Fabulous magazine (via People) and says that he never wanted to get divorced.
“[Divorce] was completely opposite to what I wanted. Really not…” he sighs and stares at the floor. “But here we are. Apart from death, I think divorce is one of the hardest, most painful things to go through.”
As for if he’s ready to start dating after being single for 18 months, Gavin says: “I’ve so much going on, that’s not a factor right now.” Gwen Stefani, meanwhile, is reportedly tasting wedding cakes and picking out table linens.
But back to Gavin not wanting that divorce. He says divorce is the opposite of what he wanted, which would mean he wanted to stay married. Gwen has hinted that the reasons for their split are soap opera-levels of juicy, so what the hell did he think was going to happen? Gwen probably chose divorce as a cost-saving measure. She probably knew that they would go broke spending years in marriage counseling. Every session would end with a dramatic cliffhanger and a popcorn-eating therapist would be like “Oh my god, this is so good, you’ve got to come back next week.”
A quick minute after TMZ posted gross footage of a trainer forcing Hercules the German shepherd into churning water on the set of A Dog’s Purpose, the movie’s director Lasse Hallström and one of its stars Josh Gad called the clip “disturbing.” One of the movie’s other stars, Dennis Quaid, is also disturbed but in a different way. Dennis Quaid is disturbed that a low-down dirty scammer would edit and manipulate behind-the-scenes footage for a stack of money. Basically, Dennis thinks that anybody who believes dog abuse is happening in that clip got GOT!
Ewan McGregor has a new movie, T2: Trainspotting, coming out soon, which means he’s hustling the goods on a series of TV shows. One of the stops on Ewan’s promo tour was supposed to happen this morning on Good Morning Britain, but he decided that he didn’t want to do the show after discovering that one of the hosts is rancid Turkey Twizzler Piers Morgan. Ewan added an extra sting in his slap by making his announcement a public one on Twitter.
Paris Jackson is far, far, far from being the little girl whose dad, Michael Jackson, tried to protect by covering her face with a mask whenever she went out in public. Paris Jackson is now an Alice Cooper-loving 18-year-old with more than 50 tattoos who is working on a modeling career. I had to type the words, “with more than 50 tattoos,” with my nose, because as soon as I was reminded that Paris Jackson is 18, my hands wrinkled, my nails shrank and I’ve got the arthritis in a bad way now. It’s a good thing that a day nurse also showed up when I was reminded that Paris is 18, because I’m going to need someone to open my caramel squares for me.
Which of course means it’s only a matter of time before the dramatic custody battle begins. But for now let’s just enjoy this simple moment in between when nothing dramatic or awful is happening. Keshia Knight Pulliam announced yesterday on Instagram that she gave birth to the baby girl she made with her soon-to-be ex-husband Ed Hartwell. Keshia named her new baby the same thing that 98% of your friends from Facebook named their daughter, which is Ella Grace.
Ed Hartwell has remained social media silent on the birth of his daughter. Although that’s not a huge shock. A week after Keshia announced she was knocked up, Ed filed for divorce and demanded a paternity test. Keshia responded by swearing to Entertainment Tonight that the only person who cheated during their six-month marriage was Ed. She then accused Ed of plotting against her baby and attempting to trigger a miscarriage (something Ed denied while also calling Keshia a money-grabbing stunt queen).
That’s a whole lot of MESS to pack into nine months. I can only imagine what Keshia and Ed will be able to do with eighteen years. Ed will start by demanding a second opinion on that paternity test as his family and ex-wife continue to hiss at Keshia on social media. Keshia will respond by running to the media and accusing Ed of something diabolical, like attempting to make his child support payments in pennies. And while they’re doing that, Baby Ella Grace will be flipping through pictures of people from Keshia’s past with the hope that one of them might temporarily adopt her until her parents figure their shit out. “Hmmm…definitely not that creepy old guy, not that lady either. I’m thinking Lisa Bonet. She seems cool.”
Mad Mel is back. Hollywood is no longer mad at the baked bag of rage for blaming all the world’s ills on the Jews (among other things) and he’s working the awards show circuit once again. And on top of being an Oscar nominee this year, Mel is a father again at the age of 61. And as Mel celebrates that, I’m sure his lawyers are holding an emergency meeting to tell their team that they better sign up for some CrossFit shit, take all their vitamins and gargle with herb water to prepare their vocal cords for non-stop screaming. Because in a few months, they’ll probably have to fight it out with Mad Mel’s latest baby mother in family court.