Amanda Bynes Might Have Gotten Kicked Out Of School For Paying Other Students To Do Her Homework

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Go ahead and throw on your well-worn DVD copy of Hairspray and fast-forward to all the Penny Pingleton parts (I’ll forgive you if you stop on any scene of John Travolta in busted drag, because, obviously) and start thinking some happy thoughts. Sydney White could use them.

We all know that Amanda Bynes is currently in a bad way, and according to TMZ, Amanda’s problems might have started a couple months ago when she was still in fashion school. Several of Amanda’s former classmates at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising snitched to TMZ and said that Amanda didn’t actually fail out of fashion school, but that she was kicked out for cheating and being a weed-smoking mess. One student claims Amanda would always show up late and high (okay, so just like 99.9999% of the students at every college ever, go on) and would laugh her ass off in class or start fights with people.

But that’s if she even showed up; students say Amanda was constantly ditching class. Skipping school made her fall behind, so she started paying other students to do her work for her. Eventually she was caught cheating off someone during a test, and FIDM was like “Bye Felicia” and told her to go home. That’s when she went home, packed up her shit at her parent’s house, and moved out to wherever she is living now. I know I said it yesterday, but it bears repeating: AMANDA, CALL YOUR PARENTS!

I understand taking shit for cheating and paying other people to do your work for you – that’s a major no-no. But throwing shade at her for getting high before class? Esscuse me?? Did everyone at FIDM forget that they go to college? I went to art school, and I barely remember a class where I didn’t show up late/high/drunk/half-asleep/eating a whole pizza. I’m pretty sure it was in the syllabus! “Please arrive at least 30 minutes late reeking of weed and tacos, because  – DUH – you’re in college.”

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Doctors Say That Tracy Morgan May Never Perform Again

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Walmart showed their low-down dirty, evil asses when they partly blamed Tracy Morgan for his injuries, because they’re trying to settle for as little as possible and shareholders will be really sad if the gigantic pool of gold coins they dive into every morning Scrooge McDuck-style doesn’t splash as much due to it being drained of gold coins to pay Tracy’s settlement with. Walmart’s lawyers said that if Tracy was wearing a seatbelt during the crash, he wouldn’t be in a bad way today. New Jersey law states that everyone riding in any kind of passenger vehicle must wear a seatbelt. Tracy immediately responded to Walmart pointing the finger at him. I put Tracy’s response in my post yesterday, but I’ll throw it up again here. I’m kind of disappointed that Tracy didn’t accuse the Walmart executives of being pigeons and shifty-eyed bunny rabbits in their past lives:

“After I heard what Walmart said in court, I felt I had to speak out. I can’t believe Walmart is blaming me for an accident that they caused. My friends and I were doing nothing wrong. I want to thank my fans for sticking with me during this difficult time. I love you all. I’m fighting hard every day to get back.”

Tracy’s lawyer, Benedict Morelli, told Page Six yesterday that his injuries are so bad that he may never perform again. Tracy is undergoing serious rehab including “daily speech, cognitive, vocational and physical therapies.” “The jury is still out” on Tracy performing again says Benedict. He doesn’t know and doctors don’t know. Benedict also went in on Walmart:

“These people are despicable. They knew that they changed these people’s lives forever and killed somebody. They’re good blame shifters. I guess that’s how they make $783 billion a year, shifting the blame.”

Benedict added that Tracy is doing everything he can to comeback and so far he’s lost out on many jobs including a TV show and a movie.

Yeah, I know that Walmart’s lawyers are just doing their jobs and Tracy’s lawyer is doing his job by telling the press that he may never work again. If Tracy isn’t ever able to perform again, then Walmart may have to pay him for all the money he would’ve made if he was able to perform. Walmart is trying to rollback the price of the settlement and Tracy’s lawyer is trying to roll it forward. And how much will it affect the settlement amount if we find out that the movie Tracy wasn’t able to do was Who Dat Ninja 3: Dat Ninja Be Me? If you put a price on the world missing out on a Who Dat Ninja movie, the price would be $783 billion, give or take.

Ariana Grande Latte Says That Being Compared To Mariah Carey Is A “Great Honor” (Uh Huh)

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen here doing lazy Butterfly-era Bratz doll drag, Ariana Grande (aka Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop star sister) recently told Us Weekly that even though there’s a rumor going around that simply uttering the name Mariah Carey around her precious mega pop star ears will make her jump you from behind and try to choke you out with her polyester ponytail, it’s totally not true! Her Royal Highness Princess Ponytail loves Mariah Carey and she loves when you refer to her as the bratty low-budget mall version of Mimi!

“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a little girl. I’ve even done a cover of one of her songs. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to one of the greatest vocalists of all time. It’s honestly a great honor.”

I hope Weavearella has a good dentist, because she probably broke 7 teeth clenching her jaw too hard when she said that. “It. Is. A. Great. Honor (crunch crunch crunch).” But really, there’s no way that’s actually what Ariana Grande said. It’s not dripping with entitled polyester cunt fumes and arrogant baby stripper smugness. It’s like a bad translation. Thankfully I’m fluent in Toddler Bullshit, so this is probably closer to what she originally said:

“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a lil’ sexy fetus practicing my stripper moves in my mom’s womb, aka she is super old. I’ve covered one of her songs, but just one, because I’d feel bad upgrading everything she’s ever done. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to her, but then again, I haven’t really given it much thought, because I’m too busy being a mega mega pop star.”

There, that sounds more like her! All that’s missing is the Baby Lucifer look in her eyes that says “Oh, you WILL pay for asking me about she-who-must-not-be-named. FRANKIE! Come here and bring a balaclava that will fit over all your dumb hair – I have a job for you.

The Affleck Dick Has A Cameo In “Gone Girl”

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

If you haven’t mainlined your usual morning mixture of Folgers and Red Bull yet, you probably jumped onto Fandango to immediately buy tickets to Gone Girl, because you read that headline as “The Aflac Duck Has A Cameo In ‘Gone Girl’” and that sold you! Sadly, the Aflac Duck isn’t in Gone Girl, but Ben Affleck’s bare dick is. Maybe.

For years, some of us peen-hungry, easy-to-please, hard-up, thirsty, desperate cock sluts have been screaming about how Hollywood needs to evolve and fully embrace equality by giving us more dick on screen. We’re always slapped in the eyes with titties and it’s about time we’re slapped in the face with some IMAX peen. David Fincher heard our slobbery cries and put two dicks in Gone Girl. Yes, those dicks are attached to Ben Affleck and Neil Patrick Harris, but us peen-hungry, easy-to-please, hard-up, thirsty, desperate cock sluts take what we can get. During an interview with MTV News, Ben was asked if his dick makes its feature film debut in Gone Girl and he squirted this out:

“I try to get it in every movie. It’s ironic, because David said to me from the beginning, this is a warts and all movie. It can have no vanity. You have to see the naked underbelly of this character.

“There’s some brief, ah, very brief nudity, I think. The penis is in there! It’s IMAX penis! You’ve gotta pay fifteen bucks to see it in 3D… it’s better in 3D. You should know it was very cold.”

Some people who have seen the movie say that their retinas definitely got brushed with the tip of Doogie’s dong, but they didn’t see the Affleck dick. Others say that you definitely see it. The ones who claim to have seen it gave almost no details. Does it curve to the left? Does it curve to the right? Is it as limp as his personality or as stiff as his acting? Is it a churro or is it more like a burrito?

So if you go to a showing of Gone Girth (Freudian slip and it stays) on Friday night and during Ben’s shower scene, you hear a hysterical gay guy in the audience screaming at the projector booth, “PAUSE THIS SHIT! SHIT, YOU DIDN’T PAUSE IT! GO BACK. WE HAVE TO GO BACK. REWIND! PAUSE! THAT’S THE SPOT. NOW BRING UP THE BRIGHTNESS,” it’ll most likely be me. But if I really, really want to know everything there is to know about Ben Affleck’s peen, I should just walk into any casino and talk to the call girls.

Here’s Ben outside of The Daily Show in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

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The WizRose Split Gets Even Messier: Amber Caught Wiz Having A Threesome With Twin Sisters

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

When it was announced a week ago that Amber Rose was quitting her marriage to Coolio Jr. Wiz Khalifa, I knew it was only a matter of time before this shit got more dramatic than a prime time French Canadian soap opera during sweeps week. First Wiz was cheating! Then Amber was cheating! Then Amber became a millionaire! Then Baby Sebastian kissed his Frère André medal and dramatically shouted “Oh mon Dieu!” (he didn’t, but he would if he was on a show called Grand Amour de Cul, aka “Great Big Butt Love”).

And now we know a little bit more about the types of women Wiz was passing his skinny cheater penis to. According to one of Amber’s close friends, Hot 97′s Peter Rosenberg (via Page Six), Amber and Wiz always had problems, but she didn’t have confirmation he was stepping out on her until she stepped in on him in the middle of a three-way with two twin sisters, fashion designers Jass and Ness Rose. Rosenberg claims Amber caught Cheez Whiz cheating on her at their second home. I hope she screamed “Sisters fucking sisters? Ew, Jass Ness-ty!” when she caught them.

Rosenberg also went on to say that Amber would NEVAH cheat on Clifford the Muppets’ illegitimate son, or anyone for that matter, because she’s a “smart-ass, savvy businesswoman”, aka she always abides by the Gold Diggers Creed (“Don’t be a dummy, bitch get that money“).

Well, at least now we know Wiz Khalifa has a type, and that type is fuck parts attached to people with the surname Rose. Axl and Charlie, look out – you’re next!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

The Wacky Wallwalker!

That thing up there that looks like the ballsack that found a way to grow legs and run off of Bruce Jenner’s crotch as soon as Pimp Mama Kris stared at it with her demonic castration glare IS a Wacky Wallwalker and it had a big moment in the 80s. Back then, some of us kids were entertained for hours by throwing sticky crap at the wall before watching it slide down. It was next level “watching paint dry.” I remember them coming as “the prize” in cereal boxes and you could also get them at places like Chuck E. Cheese. There was absolutely nothing to them. You’d throw them at the wall and amazement would fill you as you watched it roll down the wall. You know how bitches make fun of cats for staring at walls for hours? In the 80s, cats made fun of us for staring at walls for hours.

Wikipedia tells me that Ken Hakuta, American inventor and the host of some 80s children’s show I’ve never heard of called The Dr. Fad Show, brought the Wacky Wallwalker to the US after his mother sent some to his kids from Japan. In Japan, they called it Tako. Ken Hakuta bought the rights in 1983 for just $5,000 and by the end of the 80s, that $5,000 became $80 million and over 240 million of them had been sold. Everyone had at least one and you couldn’t walk ANYWHERE without a sticky ball flying in front of your face (“You just described my idea of heaven” – John Travolta)

At the end of this Corn Pops commercial, you can relive the wonder of the Wacky Wallwalker (which sounds like the name of a weed strain I’ve smoked before).

Those sticky, creepy octopus things would eventually get covered in hair and all kinds of other shit and lose their stickiness. Most dirty balls I’ve come into contact with lose their stickiness when you wash them, but not the Wacky Wallwalker. Once you washed the carpet shit off of them with soap and water, they sort of got their stickiness back and would bring more hours of entertainment. Oh, the 80s were simpler times when everyone would get entertainment out of watching a load of stickiness slide down a wall and I’m going to show myself out before I really ruin everything for everyone by making another Travolta joke.

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Birthday Sluts

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Zach Galifianakis (45)
Brie Larson (25)
Jurnee Smollett (28)
Porcelain Black (29)
Dizzee Rascal (29)
Rupert Friend (33)
Heather Hunter (45)
Cindy Margolis (49)
Christopher Titus (50)
Mark McGwire (51)
Esai Morales (52)
Randy Quaid (64)
Stephen Collins (67)
Stella Stevens (76)
Julie Andrews (79)
Jimmy Carter (90)

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When Gold Digging Goes Wrong: Demure British Flower Has A Baby With A Man She Thought Was A Famous Footballer

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

If you haven’t already, curtsy in front of 24-year-old former escort turned aspiring glamour model (yeah, and I’m an aspiring Pulitzer Prize-winning, best-selling author) Josie Cunningham from England who allegedly got conned by a regular dude she thought was rich, famous footballer Curtis Davies, captain of Hull City. This is why Heather Mills should open up a community college for aspiring gold diggers, because these gold diggers really need to learn useful tips like how to do a thorough background check on a dude before you let him bareback bone an ATM baby into you.

Josie is sort of famous in the UK the way Backdoor Farrah is sort of famous here. This stunning weed plucked out of the garden of Jodie Marsh became a tabloid’s wet dream when she admitted that she got the UK’s National Health Service to pay for her $8,000 tit job and Botox injections by telling them that she was bullied for having a flat chest ever since the age of 14 and suffered from a sweating problem. Well, I guess you really get what you don’t pay for, because that is a section 8 tit job if I ever saw one.

But before I get into Josie’s tragic gold digger fail, let me get into more acts of fame whore foolery she’s pulled.

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

His attraction for her is understandable. Her attraction for him? Not all that clear, really. Unless size really does matter? For me, no. Size can be uncomfortable. For her, clearly a selling feature. Because she’s been going around telling her friends about it. And her nickname for him, which she hasn’t been shy about sharing, is “Monster Cock“. Which is flattering, I guess, if you’re in college or Vegas. But it’s probably a little immature and maybe even a little disrespectful, all things considered. (Lainey Gossip)

It’s not Ariana Grande Latte and Big Sean, because I don’t think anybody wonders what she sees in him. It’s obvious what she sees in him (PEEEEN). If anything, people are wondering what Big Sean sees in an off-brand Bratz doll that’s been possessed by the devil. It’s not Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin, because the chick in the blind item is telling friends that he “has” a monster cock, not “is” a monster cock. I’ll guess Sean Penn and Charlize Theron. Sean looks like he has a big, scary, veiny dick that can easily pass for a vile meat weasel from King Kong and Charlize is definitely suffering from stage 4 dickmatization.

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