Bravo put out the first trailer for The Real Housewives of Dallas. My first thought about the trailer was: Err, are they sure this is Dallas, Texas? Because why aren’t they wearing diamonds with jeans and a fur coat? And why isn’t their hair touching the clouds and the people around them choking on the perfume and hairspray fumes wafting off of them? Harpo, who dis Dallas, because I don’t recognize it! – Reality Tea
There’s another Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer because the other 5,678 weren’t enough – Lainey Gossip
LeAnn Rimes’ ex-husband sounds whiny and really annoying. It’s surprising that those two peas in a pod didn’t work out – Celebitchy
Dakota Johnson takes dead eyes to a whole new dead level in Marie Claire – Drunken Stepfather
Why did I think that was Rob Kartrashian’s ass for a second? – The Superficial
And now for an elegant palate cleanser brought to you by the freshly bloomed iris that is Frenchy Morgan from Rock of Love 2 – WWTDD
Ashley Benson is still talking about how she’s considered a real tub-of-lard in Hollywood – IDLYITW
Please tell me these dudes are really shooting a Power Rangers gay porn parody – Towleroad
“Bitch, will you please stop talking so we can go and get DRUNK” is probably what one of my favorite drunk messes Laura Jeanne Poon is thinking in this picture – Popsugar
Brittany from Glee had another baby – Just Jared
Germany’s finest rose served up some Valentine’s Day on LSD sophistication – Hollywood Tuna
The National Enquirer is ALWAYS right and so therefore Pimp Mama Kris should be sent to Death Row for this! – Starcasm
Did Dario Argento put together the House of Cards season 4 trailer? – Pajiba
After this day I really needed some hot pieces in towels – The Berry
James Franco worked those man titties on Instagram – OMG Blog
Julianne Hough walked while holding her phone. You better keep defibrillator pads nearby because these riveting pictures may stop your heart – Popoholic
The junior high school quad fight between Kanye West and Taylor Swift started up again today at the booty hole lothario’s Yeezy season 3 show when he played a song called “Famous” from his new album. In that song (which also features RiRi and Swizz Beatz), he blows an air kiss at Tay Tay with the lyric, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.”
As Taylor sat under a giant oak tree in her backyard furiously writing a Kanye diss track on a Disney Princesses notepad with an ice cream cone pen, her younger brother Austin Swift posted an Instagram video of him throwing away the ugly sneakers Kanye designed. Dude really showed him!
As an environmentalist and humanitarian, that video really pisses me off. How can his ass waste those perfectly good (but hideous as shit) sneakers? I’ll gladly take them from him and either recycle them or give them to a homeless person who could use them. Actually, giving those ugly ass things to a homeless person would be wrong and offensive. So, I’ll recycle them then and by recycle I don’t mean* “put them on eBay because I know some crazy will spend a whole lot of cash on the worn Yeezys that Tay Tay’s brother dumped in the trash after Kanye said a meanie about her.”
And if your eye rolling muscle has been feeling a little flabby lately and you’ve been meaning to work it out, this tweet from Taylor Swift’s main hanger-on Jaime King should help with you that:
I'm so sad right now & disappointed right now. I stand by my sister. Always.
— Jaime King (@Jaime_King) February 12, 2016
* Yes, I do
Justin Bieber Wants You To Know He Totally Could Have Beat Up The People Who Kicked Him Out Of Tulum
Justin Bieber, who totally looks like the kind of dude you meet on Tinder who says he “works in fashion” and then two days later you catch his ass fluffing sweaters at H&M in that picture above, recently spoke to GQ about a bunch of things. One of which was that time back in January when he acted like a piece of garbage at the Mayan ruins and got kicked out of Tulum. Or wherever he thinks it happened, because according to Justin: “I forget where it was. It wasn’t Tulum.” I’d say that’s our cue to add My First Maps to Bieber’s Amazon wish list, but it would be a waste. At this age, all he’s gonna do is chew the corners and spill apple juice on the pages.
At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
“Really? Lil’ ol me? Well ah do declayuh! If that ain’t just a big ol’ dollop of a slice of shoofly pie – okay, I’ll stop.”
If someone asked me how Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds came together, I’d smear some mayo on a piece of white bread and ask “This? Is it this?“, because I know how a mayonnaise sandwich gets made, and Blake and Ryan are pretty much the human equivalent. But according to Ryan, they got together during a double date they were on with other people.
Ryan recently admitted to Sirius XM’s Entertainment Weekly Radio (via People) that while he and Blake became “buddies” during the filming of Green Lantern, and so like lots of friends do, they decided to go on a double date together. Sadly, there might still be a TGIFridays with two people awkwardly picking at a plate of nachos and making small talk about how long their dates have been in the bathroom, because that was the night Blake and Ryan became Blake + Ryan. Unless you want to hear Ryan talk about the baby he made with Blake, skip to 2:42.
Ryan claims he didn’t get the warm feels for Blake until a year after Green Lantern. And I totally believe that, because nothing kills your boner quicker than showing up to set and remembering that your name and IMDB page will forever be linked to a stinky turd like Green Lantern. Blake Lively could have waited for him in his trailer at the end of the day wearing only a Green Lantern ring she swiped from the prop department, and he would be like “I…no. I can’t. I’m just too bummed out.”
And because we didn’t get a good enough look at them the first time, here’s Blake working a pair of Bedazzled bike shorts at the amfAR Gala last night. Huh, I didn’t realize bike shorts came with the 1989 Republican Senator & Senator’s Second Wife fashion set.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
I’ve been dealing with technical foolery most of the day, so while I tear out my pubes out one by one while yelling at the stoner ferret on a treadmill who runs my Internet connection to please start running again, get into this video of two dudes (who are probably drunk, it’s Ireland, you get drunk from drinking the tap water) busting out some buffoonery while trying to move a couch down the street in Drumquin, Northern Ireland. This video is a perfect reenactment of my day so far. The ole’ grouchy one in the brown hat is playing the part of me, the sofa is my Internet connection and the dude in the black hat is the Verizon rep. And yup, this video ends the same way my day is probably going to end.
“Ye fuckin’ bastard” is right!
I’ve seen that face before. That’s the face I get whenever I tell Michael K that I think Prince William is the hotter brother.
As if you couldn’t already tell by the picture above, Penelope Cruz had a “Bitch, you better talk to your research department” moment during an interview with the Today Show yesterday. Towards the end of the interview, Savannah Guthrie, a woman whose name sounds like a clothing store for southern moms who think Chico’s is “too tarty“, made the mistake of asking Penelope Cruz about her ugly feet. Penny (who was dressed like a fancy pilot for some reason) was a ballet dancer before she was an actress. And I guess Savannah wanted to ask her about her feet because she heard they look like Quasi Modo’s puppies after all those years in pointe shoes. The only problem is, Penelope Cruz doesn’t have ugly feet, SAVANNAH. The awkwardness all happens around the 4:15 mark.
“You have ugly feet” is a pretty random nugget of trivia to know about someone. Did nobody think to double-check that? Who at the Today show was drunk enough to let that whoopsie slip though? It was totally Kathie Lee Gifford screwing around with the teleprompter, wasn’t it?
So the good news is Penelope Cruz has officially killed any rumor that she has fugly feet. The bad news is she’s about to receive a whole lot of creepy phone calls from foot fetish king Quentin Tarantino. “Hey Penelope! So I just caught your interview on the Today show, and I heard you talking about your feet. Are you also still married to Anton Chigurh? You are? Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll try again later.“
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”