Well, here’s ten tons of fucked up that just took my Thanksgiving hangover headache to new levels.
Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf pulled some Marina Abramovic shit in L.A. when he did a performance art pice called #IAMSORRY after he got caught plagiarizing a Daniel Clowes graphic novel for a short movie called Howard Cantour.com. During #IAMSORRY, Shia sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career (a whip, a Transformer, a bowl full of hate tweets, etc…) sat on a table in front of him. One by one, people came into the room and either sat across from him without saying a word or talked to him or used the props in whatever way they wanted. I heard stories about how some people cursed his ass out and/or threw shit at him, but the story he told Dazed is every layer of THE FUCK?
For two weeks, Shia and Dazed editor Aimee Cliff talked back and forth online about #IAMSORRY. Aimee asked Shia if there was one experience that was either moving or soul-killing and Shia made my brain melt by saying that one crazy bitch whipped and raped him as her boyfriend and his girlfriend waited in the line outside.
One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me… There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with disheveled hair and smudged lipstick. It was no good, not just for me but her man as well. On top of that my girl was in line to see me, because it was Valentine’s Day and I was living in the gallery for the duration of the event – we were separated for five days, no communication. So it really hurt her as well, as I guess the news of it travelled through the line. When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.
My brain just puked up a dozen question marks. So many questions. I know Shia basically had zero rules for his performance art piece and people were allowed to do whatever they wanted to him, but you’d think that he wouldn’t have to put up a sign that read: You Can Do Anything You Want Except For Murdering, Shooting, Stabbing, Raping And Choking Shia.
Shia and Aimee Cliff also did a sit down “interview” through webcams strapped to their heads and this is how it went. (Note: If you watch 4 minutes of it, you’ve watched all of it since they don’t say a word.)
That’s pretty much what I did for an hour after reading Shia’s fucked up story.
If you’re anywhere over the age of 19, this story about melodramatic teenagers hissing at each other on the internet will no doubt make you want to ball up your fists and shout GET OFF MY LAWN, so just giving you a heads up that you might want to prepare a soothing hot water with lemon to calm yourself when it happens.
So some time last year, Abigail Breslin, who you may know as the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine or the little girl from that insane episode of Law & Order: SVU where Lea Thompson tries to kidnap her biological daughter, dated one of the Hot Topic teens from the band 5 Seconds of Summer, Michael Clifford. And then they broke up, because – I don’t know, maybe one of them caught the other one stealing their eyeliner. Cut to four days ago, when Abigail decided to release a Taylor Swift-sounding breakup song called “You Suck“, in which she calls out her ex-boyfriend for not washing his hair, having a “dumb tattoo”, and maybe cheating on her. Whoah – a “dumb tattoo”? SHOTS FIRED.
Abigail also sings that he’ll probably say that she wrote the song because she’s “so obsessed” with him, but Michael just sort of laughed the whole thing off (literally). Unfortunately, Abigail forgot that the person who “sucks” also happens to have an obsessed teen fan army, and they all started dragging Abigail on Twitter:
If you’re a mom of a nerd, then you now know how you’re going to spend a part of your day tomorrow. You’re going to spend it scrubbing dried butt cream out of a pair of Star Wars adult sized Underoos. Because the teaser trailer for Star Wars VII: The Nerd Boner Awakens stuck its tip into nerd holes today. This shit doesn’t come out for another year and this is only a teaser, so it doesn’t show much. I see John Boyega giving hos the moists in his Stormtrooper outfit, some soccer ball with a head and possibly Adam from Girls working a really impractical light saber that I’m sure he’ll burn his hands on at least twice. This trailer doesn’t do things to me, but I’m still happy for all you nerds, because I’m sure you’d be happy for me if a trailer for the live-action feature film of Beverly Hills Teens came out and made me tear off my head before running around in a circle from the excitement of it all.
Boglins, the outrageous creature that comes alive in your hands (not to be confused with The Hammaconda)!
You’re probably reading this from a bed in the ER where you’re being treated for torn off fingers and shank wounds in your hands. You either found out the hard way that fingering Parasite Hilton is a dangerous, suicidal act or you got stabbed by a fellow crazy bitch while fighting over a 30% TV at Best Buy this morning. It’s that time of year again when us Americans (and now Brits) burn off the forty pounds of deliciousness we swallowed the day before by stampeding, beating and murdering each other for stupid shit at Walmart.
While thinking about what kind of shit parents murdered each other for during the dangerous sport of all time (aka Christmas shopping) in the 80s, I thought about the Boglins for some reason. I remember the Boglins being the (sh)IT toy when I was 8 or 9. The 80s were truly a simpler time. Today, disgusting, slobbery smegma monsters like the Kartrashians terrorize all of our senses and in the 80s it was the Boglins.
The Boglins were rubber monster puppets with shifty glow-in-the-dark eyes and movable arms. There were several different kinds of Boglins and I most remember the one above that looks like Shrek’s dingle or something found under Brad Pitt’s foreskin. The Boglins never scared me and I may or may not have had my first kiss with one.
The Boglins were re-released in the early 2000s, but failed to become the hit they were in the 80s. Children of the 2000s just didn’t understand the gross brilliance of a toy that you can feed peas too:
I bet that’s what Pimp Mama Kris looks like when she’s in her original form. Cleanse your screen with holy water immediately!
Alan Ritchson (30)
Scarlett Pomers (26)
Karen Gillan (27)
Trey Songz (30)
Mary Elizabeth Winstead (30)
Sharon Needles (33)
Ryan Kwanten (38)
Jon Stewart (52)
Jane Sibbett (52)
Alfonso Cuaron (53)
John Galliano (54)
Judd Nelson (55)
S. Epatha Merkerson (62)
Ed Harris (64)
Paul Schaffer (65)
Randy Newman (71)
Berry Gordy Jr. (85)
In the 90s, Scott Stapp was living the life as the head ho of Creed and he was making so much money that he could have his pick of the highest paid lot lizard in a Piggy Wiggly parking lot and could buy any brand of beer he wanted from the Circle K. Dude was living it. But how the mighty have fallen, because now Scott Stapp claims he’s as broke as my ear drums when I listen to a Creed song and is living in a Holiday Inn. I know, it can’t be THAT bad. Dude is living in a Holiday Inn! That shit is nicer than a lot of people’s apartment. If he really wants people to fart up loads of sympathy, he should say he’s living in a janitor closet at the Super 8.
Tom Turkey from 1983′s A Thanksgiving Tale!
Christmas specials are a dime a dozen and there’s TOO many of them, but Thanksgiving specials are as rare as a reasonable thought out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth or as rare as a Grindr trick who tells the truth about his real dick size (yes, always bring a tape measure with you to every hook-up to make sure). A Thanksgiving Tale is one of the only Thanksgiving specials I remember watching as a kid.
Paul Fusco, who brought us ALF, created and produced A Thanksgiving Tale which first aired on Showtime in 1983. As a kid, a cat must’ve held Paul’s entire family hostage and tortured their asses, because he obviously hates cats. ALF was a major pussy eater and in A Thanksgiving Tale, New Jersey cats befriend a dumbass turkey just so they can cook and eat him for Thanksgiving.
Tom Turkey is a bird-brained Thespian turkey who is trying to get to NYC to live out his dream of being a stage star. But he’s obviously got shit for brains, because when the bus driver screams “Newark,” Tom thinks he screamed, “New York.” Tom gets off at Newark and meets a group of starving, raggedy, janky cats who give him shelter from the cold. Tom thinks they’re kind of heart, but of course, those starving pussies are tricking that turkey and are fattening him up to eat him on Thanksgiving. Tom is just off the bus in more ways than one, because everybody knows you shouldn’t trust cats in denim caps and vests.
The dogs living in the alley outside of the cat’s lair find out what those shady pussies are pulling and vow to save Tom Turkey, because dogs are good and cats are bad. To make a short story even shorter, the cats and dogs scrap in the alley before Tom Turkey breaks it up. Tom saves the day and brings them all together by suggesting that the dogs move in with the cats, because the cats have shelter and the dogs have food. They put on a play, because after all Tom is a wannabe actor, so he’s an attention whore and has to make it all about him.
But in real life, we know how that scene would play out. The dogs and cats would tear Tom’s turkey ass apart while trying to eat him at the same time. No, no, no, it’s a beautiful story with a beautiful happy ending. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! It’s also a Thanksgiving miracle that I found this masterpiece on YouTube.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! See you in the ER after our stomachs explode from filling it with booze, booze, booze, booze and maybe some turkey and stuff.
Bill Nye (59)
Alison Pill (29)
Jaleel White (38)
Sharlto Copley (41)
Samantha Harris (41)
Brooke Langton (44)
Michael Vartan (46)
Robin Givens (50)
Fisher Stevens (51)
Victoria Gotti (52)
Samantha Bond (53)
Caroline Kennedy (57)
William Fichtner (58)
Kathryn Bigelow (63)
Pic: Popular Science
It’s a Thanksgiving gift from the British royals. A new royal Olan Mills portrait of Prince William, Duchess Kate and Baby Prince George in Australia has shown up on the Internet. Prince William, Duchess Kate and Baby Prince George tried it, but that photobombing champagne glass is obviously the star of this picture - Lainey Gossip
Okay, but when are the two fake boobs named Tori and Dean going to be recalled? – Celebitchy
Who is this impostor and what has she done with Joanna Krupa, because the real Joanna Krupa would never wear that many clothes while around the paps she called – Egotastic!
Falkors Rimes says she never shamed her stepson, her words were taken out of context and shame on everyone for believing everything they read. No, Falkor, shame on you for accusing the highly ethical literary journal The Daily Mail of twisting your words. They would never! – Reality Tea
The Imitation Game doesn’t have a hot gay fuck scene between Matthew Goode and Bensonandhedges Caramelsnatch, and Matthew Goode likes it that way – Towleroad
Kendra Wilkinson isn’t the brightest dildo around, so I shouldn’t be surprised that she didn’t know being Hef’s girlfriend meant she had to bounce on his tequila worm dick – Egotastic!
Kendull Jenner looks like a Hitler Youth Janet from Three’s Company on the cover of Dazed Magazine - Drunken Stepfather
This French Bulldog tripping on the beach in slow motion is a visual interpretation of what my brain goes through when I try to solve a math problem without a calculator – The Berry
Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs makes zero sense to me, but it’ll make a whole lot of sense to me if he plays the role in a turtleneck and nothing else – IDLYITW
I bet this Wiener Dog’s trainer was Tonya Harding – Hollywood Tuna
The pattern on Rosario Dawson’s dress legitimately looks like the wallpaper from Home Depot my abuelita wanted to put up in my mom’s kitchen – Popoholic
RUUUUUUN, JANA DUGGAR, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! – Jezebel
Brace yourselves, Joel McHale is making Comment Trolls: The TV Show – Pajiba
This German Shepard slays the beat better than I do, but that’s not saying much – Popsugar
When Chelsea Handler met the Hammaconda (and I can’t believe she’s wearing a top!) – SOW
The shit that is covering Katy Perry’s outfit looks like some stuff Ursula the Sea Witch would squirt up – Just Jared
Chris Stark, who you may or may not know as the star of that awkwardly charming Mila Kunis interview, once again found himself in the middle of an awkward BBC Radio 1 interview with Jennifer Aniston, except this time it wasn’t so much charming as it was deeply cringeworthy. Us Weekly says Chris’s boss Scott Mills spoke to Jennifer Aniston before the interview and convinced her to help him pull a prank on Chris by reacting to every one of his questions with a face full of NO. And she did it, because if Jenny wants that Horrible Bosses 3 paycheck, she needs to first hustle the hell out of Horrible Bosses 2.
I have to give a slow clap to Jennifer Aniston, because whenever I try to prank someone (ie. every day at 4pm when I call my sister at work pretending to be the IRS) my dumb ass always end up breaking character 3 seconds in. But Jenny kept it together the whole time. It’s like she was pretending that every question he asked her was about Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, poor Chris Stark is sitting there all confused like “Bloody ‘ell, why is she so pissed? Not once have I asked her about Angelina!”
And if you watch this video for anything, it should be for Chris Stark stuttering over the words “bloke’s parts” at the 4:05 mark. BLOKE’S PARTS! Thanks for the charming new term for dicks and balls, Chris!
In case you want to see what Jennifer Aniston would look like wearing a shirt made out of your mother’s living room sheers, here’s Jenny arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday: