Night Crumbs

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

At the Wearable Art Gala over the weekend, Blue Ivy Carter got into a bidding war with Tyler Perry over a painting by Sidney Poitier. Tyler Perry’s $20,000 bid won the painting. Blue Ivy Carter’s sneezes are worth more than $20,000 each, so she could’ve easily won that auction. But since she was at a charity event, she was probably in a charitable mood and let one of the lessers win at something for once – Lainey Gossip

Never mind that prenup shit, I am allergic to exercise, but I need to build up my stamina so I can properly scream while hate-watching the Lifetime cheese dingle that will be Harry & Meghan: A Royal RomanceCelebitchy

Bitch please, if David Beador was really broke, his rebound piece would’ve left him by now – Reality Tea 

Having a stage 10 hangover obviously fucks with your eyesight, because I thought this was Carrot Top at first and I was about to reach for the lube – Popoholic

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Daddy Spears Is One Ragin’ Cajun Over K-Fed Crying Poverty To Britney Spears

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

I guess the initial reports of Kevin Federline’s plea for more child support came from Camp K-Fed, as I kind of nodded along when the explanation was given that he had been a great dad through head shavings to Las Vegas domination and needed more dough now that Britney was raking it in. Cracks in the story emerged when it came out Britney Spears was none too pleased to see her ex looking for more moolah. Jamie Spears took a break from grits duty to meet with Kevin and his lawyer, but it may not have been as easy as one might have imagined. Daddy Spears went hissing possum on his former son-in-law! Continue reading

Charlie Sheen Has Settled His Lawsuit Against The National Enquirer Over Their Corey Haim Allegations

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

Back in November, actor/director Dominick Brascia publicly accused Charlie Sheen of raping Corey Haim on the set of the ’80s film Lucas. Charlie fully denied the allegations and and sued the National Enquirer, who published Dominick’s story, for defamation. TMZ says that Charlie and the National Enquirer have settled the lawsuit.

Corey Feldman might have been picking out his nicest fedora to wear in the event he was called as a character witness in court, but it sounds like it’s not ever going to get to that point. Charlie’s lawyers have requested the lawsuit be dismissed with prejudice, which means the lawsuit can’t be filed in the future. TMZ notes that’s usually a sign both parties have struck a deal they’re happy with. I figured that this meant that Mr. National Enquirer (basically a trash bag with googly eyes) shot their best pal Trump a text that said, “Little tight on cash – you mind loaning us some hush money for something?“. But according to sources that spoke with TMZ, there was no money involved in Charlie’s settlement and both sides are “fully satisfied” with the terms of their agreement.

Charlie Sheen hasn’t said anything about dropping his lawsuit, and you know what? I’m okay with that. This situation has been a mess from minute one, and I really don’t need it to turn even more awful by reading Charlie’s fried-brain rantings about how he won against the Enquirer. Even if he’s innocent like he maintains he is, maybe it’s time he just slowly backed away as far as possible from the legacy of Lucas. In fact, if someone could just re-cut Lucas into scenes featuring only Corey Haim and Winona Ryder, that would be much appreciated.



Jim Carrey Pissed Some People Off With A Portrait That Resembles Sarah Huckabee Sanders

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

When Jim Carrey presented his latest artwork over the weekend, it wasn’t met with the same kind of applause George W. Bush gets for his finger paintings. Instead, a lot of people took umbrage that his portrait of a “so-called Christian” looked eerily reminiscent of the White House press briefing room possum Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and now think the only job Jim is qualified for is sandwich boy at Quiznos so long as he doesn’t try and squirt any liberal snowflake sauce on their six-inch sub! Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Benedict Cumberbatch Coming Out As A Teaosexual

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

Just like Idris Elba before him, Benedict Cumberbatch has gotten together with the fundraising site Omaze to get some money for charity. By donating money to charity, the Cumberbitches will be entered into a drawing where they could win a prize package including airfare to L.A., a fancy hotel stay, tickets to the premiere of Avengers: Infinity War and a tea date with The Alien Lizard King. B. Cums’ people better be making a mental note to cover the floor of the room of his tea date with industrial-strength plastic tarps, because I have a feeling the Cumberbitch who wins is going to squirt out an ocean of crotch curds and whey.

To promote the charity contest, B. Cums did a video where he showed us how to make a perfect cup of hot tea. Now, the way I make a perfect cup of hot tea is to put a couple of spoonfuls of Nestea iced tea powder into a mug full of water and nuke that bitch. But to B. Cums, the perfect way to make a hot cup of tea is to make the tea bag jizz out its natural flavors by talking sexy to it. Thankfully B. Cums stops himself before he pulls out his balls and teabags that teabag.

That video was a mistake, because the Cumberbitch who wins is going to expect him to get into foreplay with his cup of tea in front of her. I can already hear her say, “With one Alien Lizard King hemipenis in it,” when he asks her how she takes her tea.

Pic: YouTube

Prince Charles May Be Green With Envy Over Prince William and Duchess Kate Outshining Him

March 19, 2018 / Posted by:

In my head, meals with the royal family revolve around whatever THE QUEEN is babbling about (depending on where she is in her daily gin progression) along with Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle throwing verbal daggers at each other, largely focused on which one was able to cause J. Crew’s website to crash that day over her respective coat selection. Alas, the real aggression might not be coming from the commoners. It could be from Prince Charles to his son Prince William. Continue reading

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