Rubik, the Amazing Cube!
My brain is a giant dumpster pile of tattered and bird-shit covered memories, and every now and again, a rat scurries through the rubble and pulls out something that was hidden deep down at the bottom. That’s what happened to me the other night when I remembered the flop cartoon from the early 80s that starred a damn Rubik’s Cube. In the 80s, almost everything was turned into either a cereal or a cartoon or both, so it’s not exactly surprising that an emotionless cube became the star of a TV show. (Although, an emotionless cube named Ben Affleck is the star of a multi-multi-million dollar superhero franchise, so I guess the 2000s aren’t that different.)
The animation studio Ruby-Spears (which sounds like the name of Brit Brit’s hot tobacco-chewing diner waitress auntie), who gave us the Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon, produced the cartoon Rubik The Amazing Cube. An executive probably came up with the idea after snorting a line of PCP-laced coke off of a Rubik’s Cube. The creators of this acid trip foolery gave Rubik an alien troll head, which only popped out when someone lined up his colors. That may or may not have led to the creation of the phrase, “Now I’ve seen fucking everything!” The plot of this cartoon was as equally as crazy. via Wikipedia
Rubik had fallen out of the stagecoach of an evil magician, who became the main villain of the series. Rubik helped 3 siblings—Carlos, Lisa, and Reynaldo Rodriguez—in foiling the magician’s attempts to recover Rubik. Once, Rubik was recovered by a detective who was a relative of the magician, but then decided the children should keep Rubik as the magician would use him for evil and selfish purposes.
I don’t know what kind of “evil” and “selfish” purposes you could use a stupid cube toy for. Maybe the souls of the magician’s enemies jumped out of their bodies every time they saw Rubik’s creepy face pop out of his cube body.
Rubik The Amazing Cube only lasted 1 season from 1983 to 1984. Menudo sang the theme song:
It’s sad that it didn’t last, honestly. I mean, a morning cartoon about a Rubik’s Cube that had a theme song sung by Menudo is just so gloriously early-80s. It’s so early-80s that typing that sentence made me shit up Tab soda.
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Ben Affleck arrived to the set of his movie with his belt buckle undone… Do I even want to know what he was doing in that car? That relaxed smile and undone belt buckle tells me that he was probably thoroughly enjoying slow-motion footage of his bro crush Tom Brady running with a ball – Lainey Gossip
Ariel Winter shits on the bitches who had something bad to say about her extremely elegant graduation dress – Celebitchy
Sophia Bush is giving me 70s hitchhiker – Drunken Stepfather
To the surprise of absolutely no one, a class action lawsuit has been born thanks to Anton Yelchin’s death – The Superficial
One of the dudes from Million Dollar Listing L.A. had to take out a restraining order against a crazed dermatologist for allegedly making anti-Semetic death threats – Reality Tea
Calvin Harris and friends worked their rolled-up athletic socks bulges on Instagram – Towleroad
Blake NotSoLively’s dress looks like something a spoiled little rich girl would wear to her Victorian-themed 5th birthday party – Popoholic
What’s more painful? Listening to Tony Robbins talk or burning your feet on hot coals? – HuffPo
Heidi Klum peddles bras while not wearing a bra – Egotastic
I forgot about Jon Gosselin, and his son Collin may have forgotten about him too, because they haven’t seen each other in over a year – Starcasm
It took me a few blinks to realize that this wasn’t a white actor in blackface, it was just George Hamilton as Colonel Sanders – SOW
Bradley Cooper’s piece rolled out of bed and went straight to some event – Hollywood Tuna
MESS = Taylor Lautner playing a doctor named Cassidy Cascade on the next season of Scream Queens – Popsugar
Chloe Grace Moretz wanted wanted a boob job and ass reduction at 16 – HuffPo
Sorry Posh, but THE QUEEN is totally going to take your man – Just Jared
“FINALLY! I got it!”, screamed someone, who back in 2004, bet money that then-40-year-old Nicolas Cage and his then-20-year-old bride Alice Kim would last a little under 12 years.
People says that back in January, Nicolas Cage and his third wife Alice Kim separated the same way he separated from reality eons ago. Neither of them have filed for divorce yet. Nicolas and Alice first met at an L.A. restaurant where she was working as a server. They got engaged two months later, and married at a ranch in Northern California in August 2004. Two years later, Alice birthed out their only kid together, a son, and he became a member of The Fucked-Up Celebrity Baby Name Club when they named him Kal-el Coppola Cage. Kal-el is 10 now.
These two have mostly been low-key, except for the time a drunken Nicolas Cage got put into handcuffs in New Orleans for pushing Alice during a fight in the street and for getting mouthy with the cops.
Nic Cage was married to Patricia Arquette for 5 years, was married to Lisa Marie Presley for about 5 minutes, and he made karate-kicking prince of goth Weston Cage with model Christina Fulton.
Many have said that Nicolas Cage is as broke as his hairline. I mean, he owed (and may still owe) millions to the IRS and he’s had to sell his English castle and many of his weird artifacts to pay them. So what is left for Alice?! The definition of “fuck my life” would be redefined if after 12 years of dealing with a throbbing rocket of crazy, Alice learned that all she’s going to get in the divorce settlement is the femur bone of King Tut’s makeup artist.
And well, now Nicolas Cage is free to be with his real soulmate Vince Neil.
Here’s Nic and Alice throughout the years:
After being broken up for a little over a month, it appears that 18-year-old millionaire lip gloss mogul Kylie Jenner might be letting Tyga work his creeper weasel game on her again. Just like that, the KUWTK writers let out a giant sigh of relief. They’ve finally secured a back-up story line for when viewers lose interest in the Toy Story Live! fight between the factory defect Troll doll and Teen Talk Barbie.
If you only read the headline and didn’t see the picture, you’re probably cursing my trick ass out for writing about a Khloe Kartrashian sex tape. But thankfully, this is a story about an interspecies love affair that won’t totally give you the heaves. By the way, if you landed on this page after Googling “interspecies lovin,” and were expecting something completely different, get out of here! Get out of here before I call 911, you sucio bitch!
Human Carrie Bredy has been using Instagram and YouTube to document the gorgeous love story starring her French bulldog Daisy and one of her koi fish Frank. Carrie has two other Frenchies, but they don’t care about her koi pond. Daisy is always at the koi pond. When she’s not lounging next to it, she’s tongue kissing her koi man Frank. Their dog-on-fish loving has been going on for about a year. Here’s one of Carrie’s many videos of the Romeo and Juliet of this generation getting into some PDA (Pond-side displays of affection), and it’s best if you watch it while humming Kiss From A Rose.
I don’t know what’s more sad: a dog getting more action than me or a koi getting more action than me?
I’m not actually sure what’s going on here. Is Daisy trying to eat Frank? Is Frank trying to eat Daisy? Or are they really in love? If that’s so, then the cat community is going to be totally and utterly fucked after Daisy gives birth to a fish puppy.
When buff giraffe Calvin Harris and yodeling giraffe Taylor Swift pinky swore to keep the details of their relationship between them, she was obviously crossing her fingers behind her back, because DUH. Trick has hit songs to write. But Calvin may also have been crossing his fingers behind his back, because he may have spilled some shit on Instagram yesterday.
“And that where Channing put skin stick. In the lady cave. Channing do good sex.“…is what I like to think sexy caveman stripper doofus Channing Tatum is explaining in the picture above. Oh, who am I kidding? If he’s saying anything, it’s probably: “I TOTALLY HIT THAT BEEEEEOTCH! HAHAHAHAHA.”
If you have ever wondered what sex is like between Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan Tatum, you’re in luck. Channing got all Taxicab Confessions during a Facebook Live interview with Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) about their sex life, and it’s capital S-E-X-Y. Channing says that sometimes they do it fast. Sometimes they do it slow. And sometimes he just lays there and lets her do all the work. Ooooh, someone open a window; it just got very hot in here.
“I just lay there. I just lay down, sometimes I nap. Yeah, she’s really athletic. We get down! We truly have all different kinds of sex. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Look, you gotta get this done. I gotta go to work.’ And that’s a real thing. To me, that’s us being completely open…Then you have full-on, just completely totally connected otherworldly connections. We communicate very well. We don’t hate fuck each other. That’s not what we do.”
Hold up. Who said anything about hate fucking??? That interview took a really sharp turn. That doesn’t exactly seem like Cosmo sex tip material. Then again, I haven’t read Cosmo in a couple of years. But I think I would have remembered passing a cover boasting “23 NEW Ways to Hate Fuck Your Man” in the grocery store.
So there you go. Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum have normal people sex. That’s fine. But what I really want to know more about are those “otherworldly connections.” Like, are we talking ‘fucking so good you go forward in time and get a thumbs-up from your own ghost’ kind of otherworldly? Or is it more like a ‘humping yourselves into an alternate universe that you can only return from via a three-way with Dr. Sam Beckett‘ kind of thing. I need to know these things, Channing! Have you had Quantum Leap sex or not?
The most shocking split since Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay happened yesterday, and obviously all of you already know, because if you’re American, you already went on ASOS.com to see how much stuff your dollar can get today. It’s times like these when I’m glad that instead of contributing to a 401k, I contributed to the current state of my mental health by buying weed.
I can talk out of my asshole about almost anything (“You do and we know.” – anyone who has read one word of this blog), but I can’t do that about Brexit. But thankfully, America’s greatest contribution to the UK since Caprice Bourret was there last night to try to guide me. “Try” being the keyword.