Justin Bieber Just Got Arrested In Canada For Crashing His ATV Into A Minivan

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Literally every American is screaming “QUICK! CLOSE THE BORDER!” at this very moment. And I’m eye-shanking all of you, because it looks like that little shithead is our problem once again. According to CBC News, Canada’s crown prince of shitty spoiled asshole behavior Justin Bieber has once again proved what a shitty spoiled asshole he is by crashing his ATV into a minivan and then picking a fight with the driver on Friday just east of Statford, Ontario. Caillou’s rotten cousin was taken in by police and charged with assault and dangerous driving, but he was released on the promise that he appear in a Stratford court on September 29th. How Canadian, right? “We’ll let you go if you pinky-swear to come back.”

Bieber is currently on probation for egging his neighbor’s house, so he could be majorly fucked. But speaking as a Canadian person with a basic understanding of the legal system (thanks to reruns of Street Legal), that lil’ asshole will probably get off with barely a slap on the wrist. He’ll be sentenced to a 12-pack of maple-dip donuts and asked to be more careful next time before the judge musses up his hair and tells him: “Get on now, scoot! And stay outta trouble you little scamp!” Then Stratford will declare September 29th Justin Bieber Assault Day and everyone will get the day off work. No, that won’t happen – I’m sure the people of Stratford hate him just as much as the rest of North America. But they do have this weird sort of pride for him, so who knows?

But getting arrested in rural Ontario after crashing your ATV into a minivan and instigating a fist-fight with the driver? Even Ricky from Trailer Park Boys is like “Damn, that’s trashy.”

BREAKING: James Haven Was At The Holy Wedding Of The Century After All

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Okay, so I can stop sending hate mail to “St. Angie, c/o God, Heaven, 051322″ (Yes, Heaven’s zip code is Bea Arthur’s born day and that’s no coincidence) for not inviting her brother and the human equivalent of STAINS, James Haven, to her wedding, because it turns out he was at her wedding and sat in the front row. Earth, that’s your cue to start spinning again.

When E! News squirted out details of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding in France, they said that mutated white dog turd Jon Voight wasn’t there, because he wasn’t invited, but they didn’t say anything about James Haven. But this morning, Lainey posted scans from Brangie’s wedding spread in Hello! and there was the bulgey-eyed distinguished salamander standing in the front row and looking off into the distance, because he knew that if he laid his Slinky Dink eyes on St. Angie, he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to suck the bride’s face and he wanted to save that move for when they danced to the “Flowers In The Attic” theme song during the reception.

E! claims that Shiloh and the boys of the Child Army wore cream linen suits and I knew that had to be wrong, because the child army would never dress like a Southern grandpa going to Easter service. Instead, they dressed up like a cross between Justin Timberlake during his copy + paste Robin Thicke phase and Amish businessmen.

And here’s a pic of Maddox and Shiloh getting the giggles during the ceremony.

BRANGIEWEDDINGHELLO1

They’re either laughing because they know their parents are about to bring the grossness by doing kissing stuff or they got contact stoned from standing so close to Brad Pitt. Or Maddox is laughing because he just looked at his mom’s mess of a dress and spotted the doodle he drew of a single tear falling into a bowl of cake batter (a wink to his former arch rival Aniston).

And here’s Brad giving you Weekend At Bernie’s chic while leaving a hotel in NYC on Sunday.

Pics: Splash

Kanye West Doesn’t Understand How Comedy Works

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Kanye West has repeatedly told us that he’s the smartest man in the world (or whatever he claims during his daily crazy pants ranting) except he clearly doesn’t understand what impressions are, or how comedy works, or what humor is. Ironic, really, considering he’s married to a clown.

During the Made in America festival in Philadelphia on Saturday, Us Weekly says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband took deliver said crazy pants rant to the audience about SNL comedian Jay Pharoah’s impression of him at the VMAs last Sunday. Pharoah, seen above at the VMAs looking like Kanye if Kanye was an active granny from Boca Raton, kept it pretty inoffensive, but Kanye was SO upset that someone would DARE have the audacity to poke fun at him, so Kanye called Jay Pharoah to inform him that his Kanye spoof at the VMAs and his “Waking Up with Kimye” sketch from SNL isn’t funny. Kanye explained to the audience (who probably had 0.00 fucks to give, honestly) that Jay should be PRAISING him, not parodying him. Continue reading »

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

In “Definitely The Most Talented Shit You’ll See On Dlisted Today” news, here’s Shiro, a Japanese Internet star (But what Japanese pussy ISN’T an Internet star?) taking a soothing nap while a tiny frog chills out on his head.

I watched this approximately 300 times last night and mostly because I watched it while that room temperature bore puddle of chunky shit known as Lifetime’s Saved By The Bell movie was on and it was the only thing that helped me get through that AquaNet-covered yawn. I can’t even call Lifetime’s Saved By The Bell movie a train wreck, because shit actually happens during train wrecks. It was like sitting in your car and watching a never-ending train going 3 mph slowly crawl in front of you. You just wanted it to end. A caffeine overdose couldn’t make that mess exciting. So if Shiro can get me through Lifetime’s Saved By The Bell movie, Shiro can get me through anything.

If it’s your first day back to work after a weekend full of butt and mouth chugging the sweet nectar and it feels like Satan and all of his minions are Riverdancing in your head, let Shiro soothe you. So soothing. So Zen. Shiro is more soothing than a desktop zen garden and those swinging kinetic balls. Get into Shiro’s zen-ness:

Shiro isn’t only a zen master whose third eye has two eyes, but he’s also a trend-setting fashion icon. Expect other pussies to copy this look. When you see Choupette Lagerfeld working a tiny toad hat on her head, you’ll know where that bitch got the idea from.

via Laughing Squid & Buzzfeed

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Birthday Sluts

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Keanu Reeves (50)
Aimee Osbourne (31)
Katt Williams (41)
The Empress of Lucite (43)
Cedric “K-Ci” Hailey (45)
Camille Grammer (46)
Cynthia Watros (46)
Tamra Barney (47)
Salma Hayek (48)
Tuc Watkins (48)
Lennox Lewis (49)
Linda Purl (59)
Mark Harmon (63)
Harvey Levin (64)
Robert Shapiro (72)
Mary Jo Catlett (76)

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Open Post: Hosted By The Crown Jewel Of Germany And His Delicate Lee-Press On Nails

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Aaaand I’m back from my vacation in Mehico and yes, I swallowed the tequila worm and sadly no, that’s not a euphemism. Thanks to Allison, J. Harvey and Lahoma for covering for my ass while I spent my mornings flirting with the members of the Mexican Navy who tried to rescue me after mistaking me for a malnourished, beached seal and spent my afternoon writing, “But what about the cum?“, to every goddamn friend who texted me with, “You’re in Mexico? Don’t drink the water!

There’s no better way to end my first full day back than by posting stunning pictures of the opulent German blossom who bloomed in the Garden of Chola Beauty after Glamberace’s seed was fertilized with Liberace’s tears and a melted Sharpie. Harald Glööckler debuted his new equestrian line (???) at Spoga Horse in Cologne, Germany yesterday. That Maleficent horse he’s posing with was actually a living, breathing, galloping, blood relative of Trace Cyrus until Harald touched it and it turned into pure gold. Even though it’s an inanimate object and its eyes are made of glass, that gold horse still looks shocked to be so close to such understated glamour.

Pics: Wenn.com

Behold, St. Angie Jolie’s Wedding Dress Which Is Now The Most Important Religious Artifact Of All-Time

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Before pictures of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s holy wedding grace the first pages of the Holy Bible, they were gracious enough to lease the pictures to People and Hello! for their final issues. I say “final issues,” because People and Hello! are going out of business since they spent all their money on this shit.

Because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt are HIGHLY protective of their personal lives and are the epitome of private, they sold their wedding pictures to People and Hello! and spit out details about the dress that has surpassed Jan Crouch’s soft-serve cotton candy dump hair as history’s greatest religious artifact. St. Angie Jolie tells People that her wedding dress was designed by family friend Luigi Massi, the head tailor at Atelier Versace. If St. Angie wanted a dress that looked like it was marked “irregular” and came from the “take it, just take it for free” bin at a David’s Bridal, then it’s absolutely perfect. To make the dress even more personal, Luigi sewed drawings made by the child army into the dress and veil.

“Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.”

She looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth from Romano’s Macaroni Grill after a bunch of kids doodled all over it with crayons. I just want to pull up a chair next to her dress and order some house wine and fettuccine alfredo. With that being said, I’m sure workers are currently removing Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, because they’re going to replace it with St. Angie’s dress.

And here’s Brad and St. Angie sucking face on Hello!

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All I see is HAAAAAAAAAAAND.

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Carrie Underwood Is Knocked Up

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Carrie Underwood used Labor Day to announce that in a few months she’ll be going into labor, because a fetus has moved into her womb. I tried to laugh at the cheesiness of her announcement, but I couldn’t, because up until I was 6 or 7 I really thought that Labor Day was a day to celebrate women birthing out babies. It’s a good thing I was totally wrong, because if I was right, we’d all be spending Labor Day making soap for the world’s labor queen Michelle Duggar. Oh, and by “6 or 7″ I mean “a month ago.”

Carrie Underwears posted the above pic on Instagram today with this little note:

In honor of “Labor” Day, Ace & Penny would like to make an announcement. Their parents couldn’t be happier…

No, Carrie isn’t announcing that she’s getting another dog. Carrie’s husband Mike Fisher tweeted this:

We haven’t picked names yet but it’s looking like Fly is gonna fly. #boyorgirl #flyfisherf

That’s nice and everything, but something tells me that Fly Underwears Fisher is going to be an only child. Because after Carrie threw that picture up on Instagram, Ace and Penny snuck out of the house and caught a Peter Pan bus to the farthest nudist dog colony where they can freely live without having to worry about hos forcing them to wear embarrassing t-shirts like that. You can see the shame in their body language.

via CBS Sports

Doctors Are Slowly Bringing Joan Rivers Out Of Medically Induced Coma

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above in happier days with that hot piece from Rocky the Musical (just focus on his nipples and try not to spend too much on the “cumming and pooping at the same time” face he’s making), 81-year-old Joan Rivers is slowly being pulled out of the coma that doctors put her in after her endoscopy made a sharp turn down MAN DOWN CODE 10 Way and she stopped breathing. Joan was put on life support and her doctors placed her in a medically induced coma, and hopefully for the past few days she’s been in a magical dreamland where she’s been watching her arch rival Elizabeth Taylor eat at McDonald’s. The NYDN says that doctors and Joan’s family have made the decision to bring her out of a coma to see how she does.

A source tells the NYDN that yesterday, doctors began lifting her out of a coma and the process will be done by tomorrow. Doctors could quickly bring her out of the coma by whispering, “There’s a Botox shortage,” in her ear, but they need to bring her out slowly. The source claims that doctors are afraid that the part of her brain that controls her motor skills could’ve been damaged, which means she could end up in a wheelchair or not be able to talk, walk and do anything on her own. Shit is already on the top level of serious and it could get even more serious. Melissa Rivers is apparently considering throwing a lawsuit at the clinic where Joan had the throat procedure done. The source said this about that:

“Shock and upset is turning to anger, and they are looking for someone to blame. The night before, she was performing and now she is on life support. An 81-year-old should not have that procedure as an outpatient. Very ill-advised.”

Some other source said that Joan would never want to live unless she is able to live a full life and can take care of herself. Melissa said in a statement yesterday that her family has their “fingers crossed.”

Everything I know about medically induced comas, I learned while watching a novella with my abuelita years ago. I don’t remember the name of that shit, but in it, doctors brought the patriarch of some rich family out of a coma and he was a completely different person. He was the total opposite. So if novellas are real-life, then when Joan comes out of a coma, she’ll be a pro-Palestine activist who loves playing pokah and wears CROCs and skorts.

If Joan doesn’t pull through, then we’ll probably be living in a world where Ghouliana Rancic is the head host of Fashion Police and considered the authority on award show fashion. NOOOOOOOO! Pull through, Joan! Pull through!

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Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Got Pre-Divorced Too!

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Speaking of has-been weddings

Sorry, Brangelina, but your plan to takeover this week’s tabloid coverage with your stupid wedding has been foiled! Because a much more high-profile and anticipated wedding happened this weekend. Renowned medical scientist Jenny McCarthy married Donnie Wahlberg at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles, Illinois yesterday. They’ve been dating for about a year, which is about how long Donnie has been suffering from the brain hemorrhage that causes him to make fucked-up decisions like marrying that crazy wreck. E! News says that 41-year-old Jenny married 45-year-old Donnie in front of zero guests, because just like Marky Mark, they all had better things to do and who really wants to watch a New Kid fall all the way from grace into a puddle of wet bat shit by marrying Jenny McCarthy? That shit’s just depressing and will ruin anybody’s Labor Day weekend.

No, apparently, Jenny’s fellow The View refugee Sherri Shepherd and the New Kids were there. This is the second marriage for both of them.

Jenny wore an exquisitely demure wedding gown that probably made the officiant say, “Do you TITS take this New Kid to be…,” (E! has a picture of her bridal tits) and as she walked down the aisle, she was serenaded by the cries of the ghosts of the children who died because their stupid parents listened to Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny and Donnie had a Labor Day Weekend wedding, so are we guessing that they’re going to have a National Nut Day annulment or are we going to be really generous and guess that they’ll have a  Thanksgiving Day divorce? Or maybe it’ll end when Donnie is shuffled off to the mental hospital after stabbing his ears out after listening to the 900 millionth stream of cold shit coming out of Jenny’s mouth. But then again, he grew up with Marky Mark and has sang, “oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh,” at least one billion times, so he can take almost any kind of torture.

First, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross got married and then Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg. It’s truly been an all-star A-list wedding weekend! Next up, I’ll tell you about the wedding between a chick who was almost on The Bachelor and a guy who was in the background during a scene on Vanderpump Rules.

And here’s some crystal clear, hi-res pictures of Jenny in her wedding dress.

Pics: Splash

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