Former pants-dampening hunk and current guy who always looks like he’s super itchy in a million places Brad Pitt showed up to an Autism Speaks benefit last night with a huge gash on his face, and for the first time in a very long time, when people pointed at Brad Pitt’s face and asked “Awwww, what’s going on there?“, they weren’t talking about his scraggly-ass beard. Brad explained to People how his face got all scratched up, and no, it had nothing to do with leaning in for a kiss and cutting himself on Angelina Jolie’s razor-sharp cheekbones:
“This is what happens when you try to run up steps in the dark, with your arms full, wearing flip flops. Turns out if you then try to stop your forward momentum with your face, the result is road rash.”
The only questions left unanswered are: how stoned was he, and how many bags of Funyuns was he trying to carry. The flip flops sound about right though. Flip flops are the debbil; I can’t tell you how many times I’ve eaten shit while wearing those foamy danger-makers. Sure, I was either drunk or stoned or distracted by a cute dog when it happened, but it was totally the flip flops fault!
Pics: Getty, Splash
Even his best buddy Kanye West is like “Sure, Jan Z.” To fight off the rumors that his new music-streaming service Tidal is a giant steaming pile of FAIL, Jay Z went on Twitter to explain in a long-ass rant that everything is fine and Tidal is great and don’t pay any attention to whatever you’ve heard, because it’s all lies. Jay Z created the hashtag #TidalFacts, but he really should have called it #TidalDothProtestTooMuch, because 15 tweets about how your company isn’t a huge mess is a lot of tweets.
Since your index finger will no doubt cramp up after scrolling thought that many tweets, and a finger injury could have a negative effect on your sex life/canned frosting-eating life, I’ve compiled them all into one single thought.
Say it with me now: BIG MISTAKE. BIG. HUGE. Although I doubt he can hear us over the sound of Chris Hansen repeatedly kicking out chairs and inviting him to have a seat.
You can barely see the future mistake in question, but that new-looking tattoo on Tyga’s right elbow might say “Kylie”, and no, it’s not a tribute to pocket-sized chanteuse Kylie Minogue (a decision that would never be considered a future mistake). Yesterday, a picture popped up on the internet of Tyga allegedly showing off a tattoo he got in honor of his 17-year-old girlfriend, customized A League of Their Own action figure (Marla Hooch, never forget) Kylie Jenner. TMZ swears Tyga’s Kylie tattoo is real. A “source” (Pimp Mama Kris holding her cellphone in one hand and her Stunt Queen’s Choice™ DIY tattoo kit in the other) claims Tyga got it to prove he’s committed to Kylie and “no one else.”
Here’s the picture. Grab your magnifying glass, because it’s time to Jessica Fletcher this shit:
Since everything on the internet is a goddamn lie, I am deeply suspicious of this picture. First of all, Tyga is standing beside what looks like an underage girl and he’s not even hitting on her? Yeah, okay. Second, Tyga stood within breathing distance of a girl and Tyga’s baby mama Blac Chyna didn’t drag her ass all over Instagram? Sure. Third, Tyga’s new tattoo wasn’t unveiled during a ‘casual’ Kardashian family pap stroll that was carefully choreographed by PMK in an attempt to yank some of the attention away from Bruce Jenner? Yuh huh.
So does this mean Kylie might declare her love for Tyga by getting a “Tyga” tattoo? Wait – is she even old enough? Yeah, something tells me that’s irrelevant.
We already know the theme of this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was straight-up hotness, thanks to living boner maker Jane Fonda, but just in case we needed a reminder, President Obama brought out one of the hottest characters from Key & Peele, Luther the Anger Translator. If you’ve never seen Key & Peele and have no idea what I’m talking about, Luther (played by Keegan-Michael Key) is President Obama’s anger translator and it’s his job to translate what President Obama says into yelling and rage-eyes. It’s basically the long-lost son of Coach Hines and an eight ball mixed with the before stock image from a high blood pressure pamphlet at CVS.
I wish ‘anger translator’ were an actual job, because I can think of about 12 real-life uses for one. Like every time I try to return something at Sephora and they keep pressing me for a reason. It would be real handy to have someone behind me yelling “IT GAVE ME A RASH IN A PLACE I CAN’T SHOW YOU! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!”
I didn’t watch the whole WHCD because I had better things to do, ie. re-watching Super High Me and eating a box of Goo Goo Clusters, but I did catch some of it, like host Cecily Strong’s joke about Joe Biden giving a good shoulder massage (“Or as I call ‘em, upstairs hand jobs. Wink!” whispered Joe Biden to whatever woman was sitting closest to him). I also saw a bit of Obama’s speech, and I guess so did Roseanne, because she pulled a Luther and went on a Twitter rant accusing him of stealing her jokes.
Here’s a bunch of the fancy-dressed famous types at the WHCD last night, including a very knocked-up, very Kardashian-in-the-face Naya Rivera, Chrissy Teigen looking like a sexy model at a goth car show, plastic feline-faced goddess Melania Trump and her partially-decomposing Christmas clementine of a husband, and Laverne Cox – as always – doing Beyonce better than Beyonce.
Right after Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills went crazy at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel and kicked a cop, I thought she was going to immediately check into rehab, because that’s usually how famous types follow-up a drunken, messy arrest. But Kim Richards didn’t go to rehab right away. She went off to the diarrhea puddle of smug that is The Dr. Phil Show instead. Since Dr. Phil wanted footage of Kim going crazy and screaming, he staged an intervention during their interview. Kim quit the interview and refused help. Well, TMZ says that Kim has finally realized that locking herself in hotel bar bathrooms and going all Mortal Kombat on cops is no way to go through life and she’s checked herself into a rehab facility in Malibu.
A source tells TMZ that Kim will stay there for as long as it takes for her to get it together. But a different source tells People that Kim is still doing the backstroke on the River of Denial when it comes to her addiction. People’s source says that Kim is only going to rehab to avoid ending up in a jail cell. Um, doesn’t Kim know that she got arrested in L.A. and she’s a sort of celebrity? The chances of her going to jail are about as slim as the chances of my tailbone growing into a highly bendable 10 inch dick (I pray for this every night). People’s source put it like this:
“Kim went to rehab finally because she got arrested, she humiliated her kids and she wants to avoid jail. If the arrest hadn’t happened she wouldn’t be going to rehab; it would be business as usual. She’s in denial that she has a problem.”
Hmmm… I wonder who that source is? I’m surprised the source didn’t go on to say, “And sadly Kim isn’t only in denial about having a problem. She’s also in denial about her sister Kyle Richards being the more gorgeous, talented and intelligent one in the family.”
Gamble Breaux from The Real Housewives of Melbourne!
I have already paid homage to the most beautiful and smartest woman in Australia and now it’s time to pay homage to my second favorite Real Housewife of Melbourne: Gamble Breaux! Gamble Breaux deserves to be HSOTD for the simple fact that her name is Gamble Breaux. The name Gamble Breaux sounds like a cross between the name of a gay-for-pay hustler from New Orleans and the name of an 80s Bond Girl.
Gamble Breaux is one of the newest Housewives of Melbourne and she made her grand debut on season 2. Of course, all of those bitches are jealous of her from the beginning, because her man’s an eye surgeon (he’s the silver-haired pepaw in the pictures below) and she’s a HIGHLY IMPORTANT art collector and gallery girl. Those jealous bitches immediately start rumors about Gamble. They say she’s a gold digging swinger who used to be a stripper/call girl and has orgies with her sugar daddy fiancé. Those jealous bitches act like being a gold digging swinger who used to be a stripper/call girl is a bad thing! But of course Gamble isn’t a gold digging swinger who used to be a stripper/call girl. She is a chaste dew drop who was a pure virgin before she met her sugar daddy fiancé.
In addition to being an art consultant and a true lady of elegance, Gamble also has a line of amazingly sophisticated no hand holster bags. You can tell just by looking at her that Gamble is a lover of toy dogs. There’s a type and she’s it. She has a Pomeranian named Cash who she shows at amateur dog shows. You’d think that the most fascinating thing about Gamble is her luscious vanilla/chocolate swirl hair color, but it’s her accent and voice. Her accent has a dash of Ja’mie King in it. Gamble has trouble pronouncing some words like “feminist” and she says it’s because she was semi-deaf as a child.
Here’s Gamble showing all of us that she’s the Pomeranian Whisperer by expertly training Cash:
If Gina is the Queen of Melbourne, Gamble is the Princess of Melbourne. I bow at her grace and demureness.
Channing Tatum (35)
Jemima Kirke (30)
Jessica Lynch (32)
Ms. Dynamite (34)
Jordana Brewster (35)
Stana Katic (37)
Pablo Schreiber (37)
Jason Earles (38)
Fredrik Eklund (38)
Tom Welling (38)
Mckenzie Westmore (38)
Joey Jordison (40)
Shondrella Avery (44)
Jacqueline Laurita (45)
Melania Trump (45)
Marianne Jean-Baptiste (48)
Kevin James (50)
Jet Li (52)
Michael Damian (53)
Debra Wilson (53)
Joan Chen (54)
Roger Taylor (55)
Giancarlo Esposito (57)
Giorgio Moroder (75)
Duane Eddy (77)
Carol Burnett (82)
I.M. Pei (98)
Jane Fonda shut it down at the Golden Globes. Jane Fonda shut it down at the Grammys. And now here’s Jane Fonda shutting it down at the 101st Annual White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in DC tonight. That’s just what Jane Fonda does. She shuts shit down.
Jane slithered onto the red carpet tonight giving everyone sparkly body and wild Nancy Reagan hair. When Jane put her hand on her hip, hos left and right picked up their coats. When Jane stuck her leg out like that, they told their date to call an Uber and they headed toward the exit, because they know that Jane’s got this. If the Nerd Prom was an actual prom, Jane Fonda would be the cool senior who lets the nerd boys hold her jacket and purse while she smokes a joint behind the gym.
When I first saw that picture of Jane, “Sooner Or Later,” filled my head, because she is delivering some Breathless Mahoney glamour.
Oh great, now Joe Biden’s going to go up to Jane Fonda and whisper in hear ear, “Hey, Breathless, you want to meet my Dick Tracy?”
Pics: Splash, Getty
I’m taking a break from talking non-stop about Bruce Jenner’s ass and metal poisoning of the pussy to bring you this story of survival and Girl Scout Cookies. I knew there was a good reason for why I keep 14 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in my freezer. They are a miracle food that saves lives! Take note, Dr. Oz, that’s how you use the word “miracle” the right way!
The Associated Press (via People) says that on April 11th, 56-year-old Lee Wright and her 52-year-old sister Leslie Roy were driving through a desolate part of Michigan when their SUV got stuck in the snow. They thought the roads would be paved, but they weren’t. Their cell phones didn’t get any service and it was way too cold, snowy and gross to get out and walk toward help. So they really had no choice but to stay in their SUV and hope that Elsa from Frozen stomped on by after having another stupid fight with her sister.
The only kind of food they had in their SUV were 8 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies they bought from a relative and a bag of cheese puffs. They also had water and they made their own water from snow. Since the road they were on is hardly used, they were in that bitch for two goddamn weeks. Lee and Leslie had a reservation at a hotel in Mackinaw City on April 11th, but of course they didn’t show up. The bad news about being trapped in an SUV for two weeks is that you’re trapped in an SUV for two weeks. But the good news is that at least you have delicious Girl Scout Cookies to keep your mouth busy and if you’re going to die, you may as well die with the taste of Thin Mints on your tongue.
The power in their SUV eventually went out and they had to keep warm by wearing pretty much all the clothes they packed for their trip.
On Friday, after nearly two weeks of searching for them, a helicopter finally spotted their SUV. They were SAVED! They were fine, but a little weak.
That sounds like the plot for the reworking of Alive starring Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.
Lee and Leslie need to take over as the new hosts of Man vs. Wild. Fuck Bear Grylls and his drinking piss and eating larvae shit. These ladies know that the key to staying alive in the wild is to always have a stash of Girl Scout Cookies and cheese puffs on you. And I can hear every stoner going, “Pff,” because most of us have survived on nothing but Girl Scout Cookies and Cheetos for years.
After that Snapchat picture of Jared Leto was burned onto the wall of your nightmares and those pictures of him looking like Powder’s sad raver brother made the rounds, Suicide Squad’s director David Ayer finally twatted up a picture of the Joker in all his Joker glory. Get into his Sharpie tattoos and pimple nips.
This shit is very “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”
Bitch looks like the trailer park’s resident meth head who is also in Fort Myers, FL’s 6th most popular Marilyn Manson cover band and is known at the Gathering of the Juggalos as the crackhead who butt fucked himself with a 2 ounce plastic Fagyo bottle as a dare. He also looks like Hot Topic’s answer to that Die Antwoord dude. If you want to get as far away from Heath Ledger’s Joker as possible, this is one way to go. The only thing I have to say is that anyone who gets with this joker is a brave bitch, because he’ll give you metal poisoning of the pussy or ass if he munches on your down low parts. You know how it feels all wrong when you accidentally chew on foil? I wonder if it feels that same way when foil teeth chew on you?