Night Crumbs

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow stars in a commercial for Hugo Boss’ new perfume and in it, she raises her nose at the regulars while giving off a look that says, “Like I’d ever wear this wretched peon water. I’m just shilling this shit to pay for the caviar farm I’m having built on my land.” – Lainey Gossip

TLC keeps unleashing basic cable’s greatest monster on the world – Celebitchy

Kate Upton put as much effort into the Ice Bucket Challenge as she puts into acting – The Superficial

Oh please, we all know that the mold problem in Kourtney Kardashian’s house started when Kim came over and queefed – Reality Tea 

Tara Reid’s tits look like they’re fighting again – Drunken Stepfather

Cut to the pile of virgins that Christie Brinkley sucked the blood out of to stay looking like that – Hollywood Tuna

At first I read this headline as Benedict Cumberbatch to Voice Chaka Khan and I thought to myself that Hollywood really is casting his ass in everything  - Jezebel

Zoe Saldana’s pregnant nipples went to Sprinkles – WWTDD

David Letterman pays tribute to Robin WilliamsTowleroad

Birkenstocks: Vanessa Hudgens is still trying to make them happen again – Popoholic

If there was a Wonky McValtrex High, this would be an actual class and it would be mandatory – The Berry

Tommy Girl does the Ice Bucket Challenge even though he thinks that ALS can be cured with herbs and auditing – Popsugar

Oh, don’t mind Madge, she’s just covering all of her vampire skin so the sun won’t burn it off – ICYDK

Christopher Meloni did the Ice Bucket Challenge and he didn’t record it and he didn’t do it topless. Boo. Do over. - Boy Culture

The Texas T-Rex’s fanny pack is probably filled with a bong, weed and cans of Lone Star – HuffPo

FYI: The tip of Frankie Grande’s peen looks like this – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Phil Hartman will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame – Pajiba

Casper the Friendly Gold Digger might be back on JLo’s payroll again – Just Jared

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The Walls Of The Celebrity Big Brother House Won’t Be Able To Contain All This Glamour, Star Power And Sophistication For Long

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

The spit, cum, pigeon shit and half-broken Ikea dowels that hold together the walls of the Celebrity Big Brother UK house are trying to keep it together, but it’s only a matter of time before they completely lose it while trying to contain all the throbbing mega servings of talent, prestige and perfection in there. The Detective La Toya in me thinks this season’s casting decisions are all part of an insurance scheme. Channel 5 knows that if they shove that much status and class into one house, the walls won’t be able to take it for long and they’ll blow right off. Then Channel 5 can collect the studio owners insurance money. I’m on to you, Channel 5.

The 14th season of CBB UK started up again last night and while assembling the cast, Channel 5 and the producers really reached high up into the galaxy to grab the brightest and biggest stars. The all-star A-list cast is led by Gary Busey and it includes the French dew drop from Rock of Love 2 Frenchy, Stephanie Pratt, Kelly Brook’s piece David McIntosh, Edele Lynch from B*witched, Leslie Jordan (Leslie Jordan, has it come to this?!) and a bunch of hos I don’t know.

Do Brits even know who Frenchy is? Whores like me know who Frenchy is, because she’s done pizza porn, Rock of Love 2 and a few other Vh1 shows, but I didn’t think she was known at all in the UK. What am I saying? Of course you Brits know who this jewel of France is. Duchess Kate has said many times that Frenchy, the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette, is her style and beauty icon.

If I had to put my weekly weed money on a winner, I’d put it all on Frenchy. The game will end in less than 10 hours and Frenchy will be the last one standing. Because as soon as she gets completely naked (which she will if she hasn’t already) and reveals her natural goddess body to the house, the houseguests will immediately pass out and will have to be rushed to the hospital to be treated for exposure to potent amounts of sheer beauty. Frenchy for the win!

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Ben Affleck Doing The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Because every single celebrity in the universe is doing it, Ben Affleck did the Ice Bucket Challenge and let his wife do the honors. Something tells me that Jennifer Garner has dumped water on Ben’s head before and something tells me she’s done it after he came home late at night smelling like random twat, cigarette smoke and defeat (aka like a night out at the casino). After Jennifer Garner ice bucket’d Ben’s ass, he grabbed her and pulled her into the pool with him. Well, that puts an end to the rumors that she’s knocked up with another baby. If she was pregnant, Ben would never pull her into the pool, because if he did their unborn baby would drown!

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Mischa Barton Gets Sued For Skipping Out On A Movie To Party In Europe

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Mischa Barton is showing Lindsay Lohan that she isn’t the only has-been mess who will blow off a job (an actual job, “Job” is not a new name for “john“) to party it up in Europe. 2003′s Blake Lively has pretty much only done direct-to-nowhere movies in the past few years and it seems like her bank account is lying in the same grave as her career, so one would think that she’d take any check she can get. But nope! Mischa doesn’t care about working and she doesn’t care about saving her house from being eaten up by the vicious cunt known as foreclosure, because she’s too busy doing better things like living it up in Europe.

TMZ says that back in March, Mischa was supposed to begin production on a movie called “Promoted.” Long before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin on March 4th and to also set up a date for a costume fitting. Mischa ignored their asses. The day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa’s mom emailed producers to tell them that she was still in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until March 20th.

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JWoww Says Her Vagina Is Closed For The Next Two Years

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who may or may not be slowly morphing into the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter, made an appearance on HuffPost Live to promote the horror comedy film she produced called Jersey Shore Massacre (aka JWoww’s New Face). Since JWoww only gave birth to her daughter a little over a month ago, the conversation turned to the massacre that happened when she pushed an 8lb baby out of her Botoxed to the shore and back vagina. The ghost of Rocky Dennis (copyright: The Superficial) said that while everything is back to normal down there, she’s not exactly open for business:

“I’m not going to have sex for another year or two” she told host Caitlyn Becker. Meilani, her daughter, was born five weeks ago, but the reality star’s remained celibate “because doctors advise waiting until the six-week mark.”

Although she and Roger haven’t cozied up to one another since the beginning of her pregnancy, JWoww admitted she’s not looking forward to resuming sexual activity.

“It’s like virgin status,” she affirmed. “[Roger's] like, ‘Come on!’ and I’m like ‘No — I was stitched. You have to wait!’”

The only thing more unsettling than JWoww’s eye holes (for real, WHAT is going ON with her eye hole situation?!?!?) is hearing JWoww casually say the words “I was stitched” at the 20:00 mark. I just cringed, clamped, clenched, shuddered, all of it. And forget about my vagina; it heard the words “I was stitched”, immediately fell into an unresponsive catatonic state. It’s currently curled into the fetal position on the floor. RIP pussy, it was nice knowing you.

Here’s more of JWoww serving up some entry-level Lil’ Kim realness/melting dollar store cat candle eleganza in New York yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Sofia Vergara Is A STUNT QUEEN Master

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Sofia Vergara hit the ho stroll in West Hollywood yesterday, and while walking in front of the paps, she casually and subtly flashed a diamond ring she wore on the finger that engaged hos usually wear a ring on. Or in her case, the finger that STUNT QUEEN’s wear a ring on when they really want to milk the life out of their PRomance by getting a “Yes, they’re engaged!” cover of Life & Style. When the pictures first came out yesterday, some thought that Sofia and Joe ManJello were taking their relationship to the next level and getting as much attention as possible before their contract expires. But Sofia and Joe aren’t engaged. She’s just punking our asses while whoring out her line for Kay Jewelers. If Sofia really, really wanted everyone to think she was engaged, she wouldn’t have worn a ring from Kay Jewelers. Because everyone know that if Joe was going to propose, he’d go to Jared.

E! News says that the face of CoverGirl, Diet Pepsi, Comcast, State Farm Insurance, Rooms to Go, some thyroid medication and every other product on this planet has just launched a joore line called “So Sofia” for Kay. Sofia should’ve called her line “So Shameless” for Kay. No, I can’t hate on Sofia’s hustle. But I can hate on her for not “designing” a diamond cock ring for Kay so Joe ManJello can wear it in the cell phone pics she’d eventually leak onto the Internet.

Sofia not only wore a diamond and amethyst ring from her collection, but she also wore the matching necklace. The ring looks like this close up:

Screen-Shot-2014-08-19-at-10.28.42-AM

It costs $1,200. Yes, that shit will cost you $1,200, but the shameful feeling you’ll get while telling your friends, “No, it’s not from Claire’s. It’s from Sofia Vergara’s line for Kay and it cost over a grand,” is priceless.

Pics: Splash

Wheelchair Jimmy Looks Thrilled To Have Nicki Minaj Rubbing Against His Emergency Brake

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Nicki Minaj has been teasing the music video for “Anaconda” for what feels like FOR-EV-UR, but the sloppy silicone-injected madness finally ends tomorrow when that shit is released onto the world, and we all call in sick because human eyes haven’t yet evolved to handle staring directly into Nicki’s spit roasted honey garlic-glazed ass cheeks without getting a migraine. But until then, she’s still teasing that mess. Yesterday she teased several images from the upcoming video on Instagram featuring a bored-as-shit Wheelchair Jimmy looking like he’d rather do a Degrassi LIVE! 40-city mall tour than get a lap dance from Nicki Minaj. He literally looks like he’s afraid to get a boner and he’s treating Nicki’s vulcanized rubber bubble butt like a T-Rex. “If I don’t move, it won’t move, and she’ll eventually leave.”

wheelchairjimmy4 copy

Or maybe he was afraid Nicki would leave too much of her scent (L’eau de Fix-a-Flat and whatever it is you smell when you walk into a Frederick’s of Hollywood) on his Drake Snake and his on-again off-again boo Rihanna would get jealous and tear it off with her acrylic claws. Because yeah, it seems like they’re back on again. According to Radar, Princess RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy might be back on again. They were spotted together at New York’s Griffin nightclub on Monday night, which – no offense Radar – doesn’t necessarily mean they’re back together; it just means RiRi’s blunt-hunting pussy pouch got horn-horn for that Drake dick again and she put him back into her regular rotation.

Here’s RiRi on her way to meet Wheelchair Jimmy at the club on Monday night. RiRi, always thinking ahead, changed into sneakers on her way there, because she knows Drake is a stage-5 clinger and she should always be prepared to make a quick getaway if shit turns from sexy to suffocating. And also some more of Drake pulling a Sad Kanye while getting a lap dance from Nicki Minaj, because it’s not as if we won’t be seeing it over and over and over again tomorrow.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

QOTD: Alexis Arquette Claims She’s Done Jared Leto And Says His Dick Is Like Something Out Of “Gladiator”

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

During a quick Q&A with Jackie Beat for Frontiers (via WOW Report), my second favorite Arquette after Rosanna, of course, spilled a little secret. Alexis Arquette says that before she transitioned, her fuck parts spent a little time with Jared Leto’s fuck parts and his dick is so big, powerful and solid that it brought down her Roman Empire. Alexis used to have a (NSFW) dick so big that if she stuck it down your throat, she could guess what you had for breakfast by feeling around your stomach with her peen head. So Alexis Arquette knows big dick. Take it away, Alexis:

JB: Tell me a secret!

AA: I had sex with Jared Leto back when I was presenting as a male. And, yes, it’s not only massive; it’s like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.

I don’t know if Alexis is speaking the truth or telling jokes, but now I’m picturing Jared Leto’s dick as being solid steel, painted gold, covered with the faces of Roman Gods and topped with a fuzzy mohawk. When he’s about to stick it in, he screams “At my signal, unleash HELL!” That sounds about right. March up into my pantheon, Jared Leto’s Praetorian Guard helmet dick.

praetorian-guard-helmet-1

There’s been so many rumors about Jared Leto’s dick being so big that it can easily eat the Hammaconda whole. Jared Leto’s dick needs to finally confirm the rumors by showing itself. What I mean by that is that Tom Hiddleston should wear it on his head at some point during the remake of Ben-Hur.

And here’s Jared Leto leaving The Bowery Hotel in NYC the other day while dressed like an abuelita who is obsessed with 90s grunge and the 6th Doctor Who.

Pics: Splash

This Is The Look: Amber Rose’s Lace Curtain Couture Wedding Gown

August 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Kanye West’s original My Size Barbie Amber Rose got married to rapper Wiz Khalifa last year, but unlike Kanye’s kurrent My Size Barbie, Amber didn’t immediately try to pimp out pictures of her wedding for cash (“Ew, why would you have a wedding if you can’t make money off it?” – Kim Kardashian).

So to celebrate their 1-year anniversary, Amber and Wiz decided to finally release a couple pictures from their special day to Instagram (via People), and thank god they did, because this shit is Bed, Bath and BEYOND! To say that Amber Rose’s bedding-inspired wedding dress is “exquisite” is an understatement; that dress is a damn sleep comfort creation fit for a bald alien princess. It looks like she checked into a very fancy French hotel from the 80s, pulled the bed skirt off the bed, ripped the curtains off the windows, grabbed all the lace-trimmed towels, called housekeeping, ordered more towels and bed skirts, then made a giant pile and dove in the middle. The bottom half of Amber Rose’s gown is so huge, I feel like she should be sitting on the back of my granny’s toilet with a roll of Charmin under her dress.

But why is Amber holding on to her son Sebastian? I’m sure all that fabric could easily support the weight of a baby. Hell, Wiz Khalifa probably could have made a seat in one of the lace folds and cruised down the aisle on the side of her dress like he was riding an Acorn Stair Lift (he is wearing your nana’s favorite suit jacket, after all).

And is it just me, or did seeing Amber’s ruffly rippled wedding dress make you really hungry for a Breyer’s Viennetta?

Pics: Amber Rose, Wiz Khalifa

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