Birthday Sluts

January 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Jessica Walter (74)
Marcus Mumford (28)
Justin Timberlake (34)
Tiffany Limos (35)
Bobby Moynihan (38)
Kerry Washington (38)
Kate Shindle (38)
Paul Scheer (39)
Jackie O (40)
Portia de Rossi (42)
Patricia Velasquez (44)
Minnie Driver (45)
Kelly Lynch (56)
Anthony LaPaglia (56)
Johnny Rotten (59)
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands (77)
Philip Glass (78)
Carol Channing (94)

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Night Crumbs

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

A source (which at this point, is fame whore talk for “Pimp Mama Kris“) tells People that Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman. If it really is true, I have two pieces of advice for Bruce: 1) Don’t ever let Kanye pick your wardrobe and; 2) Put on some sensible Easy Spirit heels and ruuuuuun from those crazy messes – Time

Steven Tyler is looking AWFUL! No, I’m joking. Besides, Julia Roberts looks more like Marky Mark in Rock Star with that hair – Lainey Gossip

Natalie Dormer could be Captain MarvelCelebitchy

[insert the name of the stuff this naked car destroyer is on] is a helluva drug – Drunken Stepfather

How disgusting, offensive and wrong! I mean, she’s wearing a Juicy Couture hoodie in 2015! – WWTDD

Backdoor Farrah is going back to Teen Mom even though she’s not a teen or a mom, really – Reality Tea

Taylor Swift showed her bellybutton again and yet the world is still alive. The Bible straight up lied. They said Taylor Swift’s bellybutton was the final sign before the Rapture - The Superficial

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly is selling her own perfume because she couldn’t ignore the people who demanded a Rosie Huntington-Whateverly perfume - Hollywood Tuna

If Hilary Duff walks and the paparazzi aren’t there to capture it, did Hilary Duff really walk? – Popoholic

This keeps happening, but it’s Shirtless Friday again – The Berry

Please tell me Kim Kartrashian Photoshopped herself into that picture – HuffPo

Tatiana Maslanay beat Rooney Mara for a role in one of the ten thousand Star Wars movies – Pajiba

I read the headline in the link as: James Franco and Lana Del Rey Working Together To Make A Movie That Will Be The Strongest Sleep-Aid Ever Made – Jezebel

Heidi Montag’s father arrested for sexually abusing a relative (not Heidi or her sister Holly) for years. And yup, Heidi and Spencer are standing by him – Gawker

Chris Pratt is smooth – Popsugar

Proof that being a Belieber is completely hazardous for your mental AND physical health – Just Jared

What bulge? Padma Lakshmi’sfriend” needs to spend a whole lot of time with Jon Hamm pictures to see what a real dick bulge looks like – ICYDK

Pic: Instagram

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RIP Bonne Bell

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

My thoughts and prayers are with you if you have one tube of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers left.

Today, a large piece of 80s drugstore glamour died, because it’s been reported that Bonne Bell is closing its doors forever and they’re laying off 91 employees at the end of March. Bonne Bell didn’t announce it themselves. The Mayor of Westlake, Ohio, where Bonne Bell is based, put on grape jelly and peanut butter Lip Smackers and opened his mouth to the media about this sad, sad news. Bonne Bell informed the Mayor’s Office in a letter that they are shutting down. via Cleveland.com

The letter said Bonne Bell Co. “will be permanently laying off employees and closing substantially all manufacturing and distribution operations at the facility located at 1006 Crocker Road in Westlake Ohio. in connection with the sale of a significant portion of the business,” Clough said. “As a result of the layoffs and closing of the manufacturing operations we anticipate that 91 employees will be permanently laid off.”

Whatever is left of Bonne Bell will eventually become Bell Family Brands and they’ll mostly sell skincare.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to run down to Walgreens or wherever and shank and punch a trick while fighting for every last tube of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers. Bonne Bell sold the Lipsmackers brand to Markwins International Corp, which owns fellow merchant of 80s elegance Wet ‘N Wild. Markwins will keep putting out Lip Smackers and they’re planning to breathe new life into it.

First SkyMall and now Bonne Bell?! 2015 is a bitch. I’ll hold your Bubble Gum Lip Smacker while you scream, “AY NOOOOOOOOOOOO,” as you fall into a puddle of sadness on the floor before clutching the charred remains of your childhood.

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Duchess Kate’s Brother Is Frustrated About Being The Basement Baby To Her Beyonce

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

James Middleton was interviewed by the app magazine TYD (via UsWeekly) because his sister is famous for marrying a dude whose claim to worldwide fame is being born. But poor James is sick of being known as Duchess Kate’s brother even though that’s the only reason people are checking for him. James wants to be known as James and not as Duchess Kate’s brother. If it makes Duchess Kate’s brother feel any better, I don’t only know him as Duchess Kate’s brother. I also know him as the dude who blow dryed his dick and pubes.

Duchess Kate’s brother talks about how he dropped out of the University of Edinburgh because he has Dyslexia and how he started Boomf, a company that lasers pictures onto marshmallows. Yes, that is a real company he started. Duchess Kate’s brother tells TYD that it’s annoying when people ask him about Duchess Kate.

“Yes, it does get frustrating,” Middleton admitted. “I work incredibly hard — just like every other person in business and work and aside from the fact that yes, I am the brother of someone very important, I am, at the end of the day, just James.”

Boo hoo hoo hoo, bitch. I have zero sympathy for his ass. He’s doing just fine being Duchess Kate’s brother. First of all, he gets to sit at the same table as a drunken Prince Hot Ginge during holidays and afterward they probably play strip billiards. Anybody who regularly gets to see PHG’s ass cheeks royale and ginger crotch scepter shouldn’t complain about anything. Second of all, he’s in the marshmallow business. That is a dream job. Whenever someone at a party asks him what he does for a living, he gets to say, “I am a marshmallow mogul.” What am I saying? Nobody asks him what he does for a living. Like they give a shit. They just ask him what kind of shampoo his sister Duchess Kate uses.

Open Post: Hosted By A Future NBA MVP

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Just call him LaBark James. Or Michael Jordog. I know, I’ll quit while I’m not ahead. This video is from the olden days of 2007, but it started making the rounds again thanks to Reddit. Never mind that Air Bud’s trainer here is obviously a shifty cheater since that ball is deflated, he still has skills and can work a ball better than me (“But really, who can’t?” – all of my ex-boyfriends). If this dog isn’t balancing balls up in heaven, an NBA team needs to pick him up, because he is a star and he’s the only player they need. He’s a one-dog team. The Harlem Globetrotters, who?

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Sherri Shepherd’s Surrogate Is Being Forced To Pay Child Support

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

The words “Reserved for Ms. Shepherd” were engraved on a plaque hanging on a door in the Special Place Ward in Hell when Sherri Shepherd wrote off the baby that grew in her surrogate’s womb. When Sherri and her husband Lamar Sally broke up last year, she labeled him a scheming gold digger and accused him of tricking her into the surrogacy situation as a way to get her to pay him child support. Sherri walked away from the unborn baby and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the kid ever. The already disgustingly messy situation got messier when Lamar sued Sherri for spousal and child support. Now, the surrogate who carried Sherri and Lamar’s baby has spoken out and is pissed that she’s being hit up for child support. It says a lot when a situation is dangerously close to becoming as fucked up as the Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry situation.

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Nick Carter Kept It Classy Last Night

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Those Carter boys are such romantics, you know? First Aaron Carter tries to woo back the long-lost love of his life Hilary Duff by penning some cracked out love poems on Twitter, and now we have his older brother Nick Carter grabbing a handful of his wife’s ass and making fuck faces at the premiere of the documentary Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night. If Cupid ever decides to retire, I think I know two blond angels who could take his place.

Because documentaries are the classiest type of film, Paris Hilton’s former crab wrangler decided to pull out all the stops when walking the red carpet with his wife of nine months Lauren Kitt and give her a truly classy red carpet experience. Nick grabbed her ass. Nick mouth fucked her face. Nick was a walking backsreet boner who made everyone in attendance realize that maybe Aaron isn’t the messiest Carter brother.

Meanwhile, his wife Lauren – who looks like she was assembled using old Kim Kardashian parts from 2009 – stood there with the sort of vacant look in her eyes that says “Eh, could be worse – at least I’m not getting dry humped by a dude from O-Town.

Here’s more of the coupon book version of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at the premiere of Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night in Los Angeles, as well as all the other Backstreet Boys:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Katy Perry Is Not Going To Let Any Trick (Read: Taylor Swift) Defame Her Character!

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Hmmm… those chichis look a bit…deflated. Does Katy Perry have to make EVERYTHING about her, even #deflategate?!

At the green round table in the middle of the cafeteria the other day, 14-time HS junior and one of the most popular girls in school Katy Perry told the school newspaper (aka Billboard) that she’s not a shady megabitch or anything, but if a petty whore, who shall remain nameless, tugs at her ponytail, she’s going to tug back, because she lives her life like that Christina Aguilera song “Fighter.” Katy Perry didn’t name names, but we all know she’s talking about 11-time HS freshmen and assistant JV cheerleading captain Taylor Swift. The lamest and most immature high school feud all started when Tay Tay said that her song “Bad Blood” is about a conniving, cunty pop star who is her “straight-up enemy” and tried to sabotage her tour by stealing her back-up dancers. Katy slapped back at Taylor by tweeting: “Watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing.”

While talking about her half-time performance at the homecoming game on Sunday, Katy told the school newspaper that she’s not one to get into the ~dramz~ but she’s not going to let some jealous ho bag twat stick defame her character. “Hah, that bitch Katy defamed her own character and snatch when she fucked that creepy band geek slut John Mayer,” said all of us outcasts while passing a joint behind the gym during last period.

In her new Billboard cover story, Katy Perry wasn’t interested in throwing shade. Keeping her eye on the Super Bowl halftime show prize, Perry only had this to offer when asked about it: “If somebody is trying to defame my character, you’re going to hear about it.”

I totally wasn’t going to watch the homecoming game (“More like HoCumming game since that big ho Katy is performing, amirite?” – Taylor) on Sunday, but now I am. I can’t wait to see Taylor get her revenge on her straight-up enemy by crashing the stage to catfight with that trick.

And yes, I realize that calling a 30-year-old and a 25-year-old two immature high school girls is rich coming from someone whose posts read like they were taken directly from a burn book written by a bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girl who huffs paint all the time. No offense to bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girls who huff paint all the time.

Here’s Katy at some Super Bowl press conference.

Pics: Splash

Iggy Azalea Took A Swipe At Steve Madden For Releasing A Picture Of Her Wearing “Disgusting Neoprene Jesus Sandals”

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Poochie’s Austalian cousin Iggy Azalea recently worked with shoe designer Steve Madden to create a bunch of Iggy Azalea-looking mallrat shoes. Of course, she didn’t just help pick out colors and insoles and whatever else you do when you’re pretending to be a shoe designer while mentally calculating how much cash you’ll make from slapping your name on a pair of shoes; she also was the shoe model when they shot the Steve Madden x Iggy Azalea campaign.

The only problem is, Iggy Azalea assumed she would have total control over the final images, and according to The Huffington Post, she threw a shit fit when Steve Madden released a shot she didn’t like. HuffPo says it all started when Steve Madden posted this image to the SMxIA Tumblr (which has now since been made private):

IggyAzaleaSteveMadden

So she did what Iggy Azalea would normally do in this situation: she bitched them out on Twitter.

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