The question is: When will ‘Shallow’ die?” The answer? NEVER. People will be warbling “Shallow” for the rest of forever it seems. It’s just one of those songs. As evidenced by both Kate Hudson filming herself singing it while working out AND Priyanka Chopra filming her husband Nick Jonas bellowing the Lady Gaga/Bradley Cooper Oscar-nominated joint.
Television monarch Ryan Murphy has announced the third series he will create and oversee as part of his $300 million dollar deal with our favorite national pastime Netflix. Hurray for glamorous tales about the golden age of Hollywood ! (Actually, it’s probably going to be a dark, disturbing take on how sucky it was to be a part of Tinseltown back in the day and will probably end with Judy Garland’s overdose so maybe less “hurray!” and more “We better brace ourselves and not watch it immediately before bedtime because we’ll be laying awake all night trying to get images like the one of the former seemingly pleasant Darren Criss brutally and sadistically murdering an elderly former cast member of M*A*S*H out of our heads.”)
The 39th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards were just announced, and as is usual in most losing your virginity in high school scenarios, the Razzies continue to nail the best of the worst! This year was a real equal opportunity caller out-er of the bad shit on the silver (nickel plated?) screen, and no hair piece, Dame, politician’s wife or puppet was excluded from the Razzie spotlight of the worst for 2018.
Tragic newly single mom and crypt message poster Khloé Kardashian‘s recent romantic woes have supposedly made her a contender for The Bachelorette. At least that’s what The Bachelor/ette franchise creator Mike Fleiss wants you to believe. Fleiss obviously hasn’t considered the many reasons why Khloe, 34, could never be the next Bachelorette. One is that, upon hearing the news, every rose (including the plastic ones) on the planet said “fuck that noise” and shriveled into nothingness. So both series are canceled now because roses don’t exist anymore. Thanks for that, Khloé (no shade).
“I Believe I Can Fly” singer and accused pedophile and alleged sex cult leader (all of that must look really odd on a résumé) R. Kelly turned himself into Chicago police last night. Kelly has been officially charged with 10 counts of “aggravated sexual abuse involving four victims, including at least three between the ages of 13 and 17,” according to The Associated Press. Meanwhile, elsewhere in Chicago, Jussie Smollett must have his head bowed in prayer to thank Jesus for taking a little bit of the glare off of him.
The Frozen Pool Pirate King!
Disney is already thinking of rebooting Pirates of the Caribbean, which made us all wonder if Mickey Mouse is addicted to some serious kind of downers that have slowed him all the way down, because the last movie came out in 2017, so there should’ve been at least two reboots out by now. But now Disney doesn’t even have to bother since the only reboot we need or want has been released, and it’s perfection!