Because the only thing that comes out of San Diego Comic-Con are either pictures of Z-listers dressed up in janky superhero costumes or movie trailers, here’s the official trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, starring a buff-as-shit Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron looking like the broken condom baby of Lori Petty and The Terminator, and a two-headed lizard. Obviously, my favorite part was the lizard. What’s that lizard’s story? How did it get two heads? Is he related to the Geico lizard? Is the lizard Mad Max’s sassy two-headed sidekick? These are the important questions.
I have no idea how the nerds reacted when they saw this trailer, but Mad Max: Fury Road looks like both a damn mess (bad) and an amazing shit show (good). First of all, all that black makeup on Charlize’s forehead makes her look like what I imagine Teresa Giudice will look like 3 weeks into her prison sentence if her cellmate refuses to smuggle her in some Nair. It’s gorgeous. And a big round of applause for Lindsay Lohan, who was clearly the source material for the production designer. From the thick dusty layer of toxic orange grime that’s coating everything to the all-white dudes who looked like roided-up coke boogers, I truly felt like I was trapped inside Blohan’s left nostril. Well done.
My only issues are the following:
1. Nowhere in that trailer do I see Tom Hardy snuggling a dog. Do dogs no longer exist in future Mad Max times?
2. WHERE IN SWEET SASSY BARTERTOWN IS TINA TURNER?!?! You can’t leave out the hottest Fraggle-haired ho from the Mad Max franchise. Without Tina Turner, who will sing the power ballad to Mad Max: Fury Road, which I assume is called: “We Don’t Need Another Hero, But Hollywood Is Running Out Of Ideas, So Here’s The Follow-Up To Beyond The Thunderdome That No One Asked For”?
For what has felt like centuries, the media and Beyonce have been playing a little game of back and forth that she probably orchestrated from the beginning since her weave controls the world. The media will squirt out a story about how Bey-Z’s marriage is on life support and they’re only holding it together for sake of their
child brand. Then Beyonce will answer to that rumor by posting a perfect family portrait on Instagram. Rinse, repeat, blah blah blah… But now Page Six is stepping shit up and over the weekend they squatted and pooted out a 10,000 word piece titled “Inside The Crumbling Marriage of Jay-Z and Beyonce.” Instead of that piece, I wish they would’ve explained to me in 10,000 words what kind of slutty burqa outfit (see: ab0ve) Beyonce wears in the On The Run tour, but I guess they’re saving that piece for another day.
Page Six claims they talked to one source who has been deep inside Team Bey-Z for years (aka Basement Baby who called Page Six from the Campbell’s soup can phone in her basement). The source didn’t exactly spit up dingles that are shiny and brand new. They say that Jay-Z and Beyonce have been a business arrangement from the beginning, and she started humping his camel humps, because she knew he’d take her higher and he got with her, because he knew she’d take him higher. Beyonce’s puppet strings used to be pulled by her daddy and now they’re being pulled by her husband. Beyonce can’t take a dump without Jay-Z popping his head in the bathroom to tell her to grunt softer and put a little more stank on it.
“There’s no bigger controller than Jay. She’s great, but she’d be a little lower on the totem pole if it weren’t for hooking up with him. In terms of ambition, talent, business acumen and work ethic, Beyoncé and Jay Z were perfectly matched. They are solid, solid business people who know what they’re doing.”
The source said that Beyonce is starting to get sick of Jay-Z controlling the hard drive in her head and is slowly stepping away from him. The robot uprising is beginning! Apparently, the straw that broke Jay-Z’s back has an infinityhead that is big enough to host the next Comic-Con, has a pair of alien nipples we’ve all seen more than we’ve seen our own and is named RiRi. The source said that RiRi’s the real reason why Basement Baby issued a camel beat down on Jay-Z.
The source says the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay’s protégé Rihanna, whom he allegedly planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna,’” says the source. “To many people who know them, they know it’s not out of the realm of possibility.”
Finally, the source said that Beyonce and Jay-Z will put their dying marriage out of its misery eventually, but it might not happen for a while, because they want to milk as much money out of it as they can.
Today, the source says, it’s not whether they’ll split, but how they’ll split — adding that the only time Jay and Beyoncé are really together is on stage. They’re allegedly traveling with marriage counselors, but Jay — as he’s always done — spends much of his time on the phone, tending to business. “His phone’s constantly ringing,” says the source, “Jay trying to make deal after deal.” Calls to representatives for the couple by The Post were not returned.
The question now is whether to stay married while essentially living separate lives — becoming the Bill and Hillary of hip-hop — or publicly divorce. Ultimately, it will be about the brand. “There’s face-saving involved — they don’t want to be looked at like other celebrities out there,” says the source. “They are business people first, entertainers second. Husband and wife comes somewhere down the line.”
Team Bey-Z has probably been planning this gigantic, break-up stunt for years. They staged and leaked that elevator video so the media would create a tsunami of break-up rumors. They’re going to ride those break-up rumors and use them for maximum publicity until the last show of their tour where they’ll sign the divorce papers onstage. The sight of their Gods breaking up before their eyes will cause the BumbleBeys in the audience to collectively shake so hard that it will creative a destructive, giant sonic boom that will quickly flatten the earth. And as we all turn to dust, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter will escape Earth in a spaceship headed to the next planet they plan to rule and destroy. In other words, this “break-up” shit is all just an Illuminati plot to destroy the world. Don’t take the
Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned nepotism fight! In this corner, Freddie Prinze’s has-been C-list heartthrob from the 90s son…Freddie Prinze Jr.! In the opposite corner, Donald Sutherland’s alcoholic Christmas Tree-choking heartthrob from the 80s son…Kiefer Sutherland! Let’s keep it clean, fellas. Just kidding, take as many nasty swipes as you’d like!
Freddie Prinze Jr. was at San Diego Comic-Con this weekend to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels (I bet he plays a popular-yet-sensitive droid named “Bro2D2″), but he’s apparently still very butthurt from the time he played Cole Ortiz on 24, because he took a moment during an interview with ABC News (via People) to rail hard on his former co-star Kiefer Sutherland:
“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”
“I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4.”
As much as I love a shady ho from the past who don’t give a flying She’s All That fuck, Freddie needs to watch his mouth and have a seat! Bitch, you were in Delgo! But I do appreciate the creativity in his excuse for why he went from A-list teen star to “The dude from American Pie, right? Am I close?” Freddie Prinze Jr. claiming that he stopped acting because he didn’t like Kiefer Sutherland is almost as good an excuse as Josh Hartnett’s “I stopped acting because I didn’t want to be Superman.” All we need is an excuse from Andrew Keegan, and we’re on our way to a BuzzFeed article.
And Kiefer has yet to publicly respond to his comments, but I’m sure he’s throwing
hungover still drunk shade at Freddie from underneath an old Christmas tree somewhere.
The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo
File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.”
Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.
Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.
And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:
Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?
If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.
You’ve got to hand it to Pimp Mama Kris; she truly is an innovator when it comes to discovering more grotesque ways for her gaggle of slutty goblins to reach new levels of shamelessness. I know, I’m sure you’re thinking: “But what’s higher than leaking your own daughter’s homemade porno for profit?” Don’t worry, shameless whores always find a way.
On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With A Bunch Of Low-Klass Kunts, the “Brody Gets A Not-Right Boner” saga continued when Brody Jenner admitted to his step-pimp that he got a little turned on by seeing Kim Kardashian dressed like a cheap marshmallow hooker. Then Kris accused Brody of having a crush on his step-sister since he was 7-years-old, to which Brody denied (because – DUH – having a crush on a skanky narcolepsy-faced Botox demon is the kind of secret you take to your grave). But instead of leaving it at that, Brody dragged his brother Brandon Jenner down into the pits of poor taste hell by accusing him of having a crush on Kim and going so far as kissing his step-sister. Brody never says when the kiss happened, but it was probably when they were kids, because you know if it happened any time in the past 7 years, Kris would have filmed it, burned DVD copies, taped them to Kim’s porno, and marketed it as a special KUWTK edition 2-disc set.
Brandon, who was sitting directly across from his wife, keeps denying it and tries to change the subject, but Kris keeps shrieking “YOU KISSED KIM??” in hopes of drawing more information out of him. And not because she thinks it’s not-right for two step-siblings to make out, either; she was probably pissed that Kim was turning tricks without her. “Was it just a kiss? Kisses start at $50. She probably gave you a blow job too. That’s an extra $200. I take cash or cheques. Pay me in full by the end of the day, and I’ll throw in an on-the-house handy from Khloe.” It doesn’t matter that Brandon is family; none of Kris’s bitches work pro-bono!
Back when HBO did the lord’s work by showing us actual dick on their shows, Christopher Meloni’s peen was practically the lead on Oz and it was rare for an episode to go by without our loved ones having to turn the hose on us and tase our heads after his dick popped up on screen and we pressed our tongues against it and refused to disengage. Most of us have had several servings of Meloni dick and we’ve even seen his remarkable anus lips. We’ve seen all of Meloni! You can probably draw every vein on his peen from memory and if you’re really moist for Meloni (shot out to commenter Moist For Meloni wherever you are) you probably see it every day since you stitched a picture of it on the inside of your panties. But still, a picture of Christopher Meloni’s zipper-busting plaid bulge is still an important event that we all need to be made aware of! Meloni tweeted a picture of his doggy friend looking at his bushel of Snausages bulge with biting eyes and he threw in this note:
I will stare at ur genitalia until u feed me…
Or that doggy’s thinking, “Where’s the peanut butter?” No, no, no. It’s always too early for bestiality.
But seriously, there’s no better way to start your week than to start it by wishing you had the power to shapeshift into Christopher Meloni’s dog so you could stare at his sausage and potatoes until he fed you.
Even though The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 will make a hundred billion dollars at the box office when its released in late November, another teaser trailer was released to the thirsty nerds of San Diego Comic-Con this weekend. So far, this is the third “teaser”, and by the time they’re done releasing “teasers”, we’ll be able to edit them all together and watch a rough cut of the movie and save ourselves $15 and having to wait in line behind a neckbeard dressed like Katniss who smells like ham and cheese Hot Pockets. Keep ‘em coming, guys!
The first trailer for Mockingjay – Part 1 looked like an ad for a fancy Beverly Hills baby store, and the second looked like a clip from a Scientology training video, but this third one is caked in grime and everyone looks super fucking stressed out. We open on the late Philip Seymour Hoffman who’s stressing out to Julianne Moore in discount Stacy London drag. We then cut to a bunch of stressed-out looking Warriors rejects and some budget Storm Troopers, and rain. SO MUCH RAIN. And everything looks damp as shit. It’s like The Hunger Games Does Dickens.
At the very end, we get to see a stressed looking Jennifer Lawrence making the same worried face I make when I realize I’m out of Diet Coke. Or maybe she’s just concentrating not falling.
And I can’t wait for the next hundred trailers that will be released. At the rate they’re going, they’ll eventually run out of material and start releasing “trailers” that are nothing but behind-the-scenes footage of the cast eating their lunch. “EXCLUSIVE TEASER TRAILER #2,394: PEETA EATS TURKEY SANDWICH, APPLE.”
With eyes cast towards heaven, we await the second coming of Christ. - Ms. Honeychurch
The weatherman told me to expect 12 inches but this wasn’t quite what I pictured. – Tart of Darkness
Anderson Pooper deserves to be HSOTD for the simple fact that her name is Anderson Pooper and being named Anderson Pooper is something that lands on the list of Amazing Life Accomplishments That Most Living Things Only Wish They Could Accomplish. Anderson Pooper could lay around and think to herself “I don’t have to do shit since I’ve already accomplished everything by being named Anderson Pooper. Well, actually, I do have to at least shit so I can continue to live up to my name.” But Anderson Pooper has accomplished much more than being named Anderson Pooper. Anderson Pooper’s humans Dave and Brenda Sizer tell the NYDN that they adopted her four years ago through a nonprofit animal charity group called Animals with Disabilities that Brenda runs.
Anderson Pooper was in a bad accident 4 years ago, which paralyzed her back legs and she has to wear a diaper for the rest of her life. She got the name Anderson Pooper after one day, Brenda was changing her diaper and told Dave that she was a major shitter. A caca-filled light bulb popped up over Dave’s head and he gifted her with the name Anderson Pooper, because she’s a champion caca go-er and Anderson is Brenda’s maiden name.
Anderson Pooper’s last human gave her a cart that didn’t fit very well, so she couldn’t really move around. After Dave and Brenda adopted her ass, they got her some wheels that fit her well and she’s been running around everywhere ever since. Dave says that Anderson Pooper loves to run and there’s no stopping her ass. Anderson Pooper loves to run so much that Dave and Brenda entered her into a dog race in Seattle earlier this month.
“She loves running. Any chance she gets she’s all in for it. We’ll take her to the coast and she’ll run on the beach and we have a hard time keeping up with her. A lot of times people see her and go ‘awww, poor thing.’ We always say ‘don’t feel sorry for her. She could care less her legs don’t work. She’s as happy as she could be.’”
And here’s a short video of Anderson Pooper slaying the race. Run, Pooper, run!
Anderson Pooper didn’t place, but she’s still the real winner. I mean, can the winners say that their name sounds like the name of an Anderson Cooper look-alike gay porn star who specializes in scat? I think not!
Sally Struthers (67)
Cher Lloyd (21)
Spencer Boldman (23)
Soulja Boy (24)
Nolan Gerard Funk (28)
Dustin Milligan (29)
Zach Parise (30)
Nicole Narain (40)
Elizabeth Berkley (42)
Alexis Arquette (45)
Lori Loughlin (50)
Georgia Engel (66)
Jim Davis (69)