Henry Cavill And His 19-Year-Old Piece Are Still Together

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When I first wrote about Henry Cavill and his college freshmen piece, I figured it would last about forty five seconds and he’d quickly be seen taking a completely natural and not-at-all staged walk in front of the paparazzi with one of the Pretty Little Liars chicks or someone like that. But I underestimated the strength of love (and a long-term contract) because 32-year-old Henry and 19-year-old Brit Tara King are still a thing. To quote Huey Lewis & The News, “The power of love is a curious thing.” “Um, what’s a Huey Lewis and what’s a The News,” asked Tara King who was born over 10 years after that song came out.

Henry and Tara were first seen together last October and The Daily Mail (via Celebitchy) says that they spent the holidays with each other. Henry and Tara spread their genuine love through New Zealand during her university’s “reading week” (which is supposed to be spent studying but is mostly spent partying). Henry also took Tara to meet his family in Jersey (not the state in America that Chris Christie is the governor of):

‘A lot of people wondered if the relationship would last, but this shows it’s serious, despite the age difference,’ a friend of the actor tells me.

The New Zealand adventure came two weeks after Tara joined Henry in Jersey, where he was born. Two months before that, Henry took Tara to China.

I’m around Henry Cavill’s age and there’s no way I could date a 19-year-old. It wouldn’t work out. I’d have to dump their ass as soon as a bar kicked them out for being underage. I’m sorry but nobody gets between me and happy hour, bitch.

But I say, get that Superman ass while you can, Tara. The good news for Tara is that the legal boozing age in Britain is 18, so she can legally enjoy a glass of cognac while lying on Henry Cavill’s bear rug of a stomach.

Also, this is apparently Tara’s hand in this picture:

When a selfie fails…but great to be back home in Jersey.

A photo posted by Henry Cavill (@henrycavill) on

That picture has made me ask the question: Would you give Henry Cavill’s butt chin a rim job?

Pic: Weibo via @HenryCavillNews

And Now For Some Million-Dollar Family Drama Courtesy Of Shia LaBeouf

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Sadly, this isn’t a story about Ren Stevens-Aranguren (yes Ren is married to Beans in the future) dragging Louis Stevens into court after losing all her money in a foam pit dumpster pyramid scheme. No, this is about Shia LaBeouf’s real family.

According to Page Six, Shia LaBeouf’s aunt might want to start pricing out hotel rooms on Trivago, because she could soon find her nephew taping an eviction notice to the door of her apartment. Shia wants to kick his aunt, Sharon Saide, out of her Manhattan apartment because he’s in the middle of a “Bitch Better Have My Money” situation with Sharon’s husband and Shia’s uncle, Barry Saide. Back in February 2014, Shia sued Unky Barry over an $800,000 loan and won. Shia loaned Unky Barry the money back in 2009 when his business wasn’t doing too good, and Unky Barry didn’t think to pay him back because he considered it a gift for all the times he helped out his sister Shayna before lil’ Shia was a famous Disney Channel star.

Cut to two years later. Shia’s uncle still hasn’t paid him back, and now the number has grown to $1 million, thanks to interest and lawyer fees. So Shia has decided to take Auntie Sharon’s apartment. But Auntie Sharon isn’t packing her shit yet. Sharon recently told a Manhattan judge that she bought the apartment with inheritance money from her grandmother and that Unky Barry’s name isn’t anywhere on the ownership papers. She also claims the apartment is worth at least $2.5 million, which is way more than Barry owes Shia.

Sharon has also accused her nephew of trying to “intimidate and pressure” her into handing over her apartment. Why do I get the feeling that Exhibit A in the trial of Shia vs. Auntie Sharon will be a severed rattail with a note that says “JUST DOOOOOO IT! GET OUT!

Pic: Wenn.com

BEYONCE SAVED RED LOBSTER!

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When I lived in New York, I’d sometimes get a craving for Cheddar Bay Biscuits and overpriced pieces of white tire rubber flavored with artificial lobster seasoning (that shit is so not real lobster) so I’d go to the Red Lobster in Times Square and wait at least an hour. I bet that you can’t even get a table anymore and there’s a 6-month-long waiting list thanks to the power of the all-powerful Beyonce!

In Beyonce’s new song “Formation,” she spits out the lyric,” When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay.” The song was released on Saturday and Red Lobster trended on Twitter that day. Since the Beyhive beylieves that Beyonce is the sun and the planet revolves around her, they were waiting and waiting and waiting for Red Lobster to respond on Twitter. Red Lobster finally responded hours later with this:

The Beyhive didn’t like that tweet and Red Lobster apologized for it. But those tweets didn’t stop the people from going to Red Lobster. CNN says that on Sunday, Red Lobster’s sales jumped 33% from last year and they’re owing it all to Beyonce. Beyonce’s song also put Red Lobster on the Twitter map for the first time ever.

Red Lobster spokesperson Erica Ettori said the brand was mentioned on Twitter 42,000 times in a single hour and trended for the first time in history.

So, for the next few nights, the executives of Red Lobster will start dinner with their family by thanking their lord and savior Beyonce for the meal they’re about to eat. But whatever, we all know that nobody made Red Lobster famous the way that fashion’s one-time super couple, Tim Gunn and Andrae from Project Runway, made Red Lobster famous.

And Oprah probably read CNN’s story about Beyonce’s power and said, “Awww, how cute,” while rolling her eyes. Because when she mentioned bread in a Weight Watchers ad, she made $12 million in one hour and caused bread to sell out almost EVERYWHERE. Seriously, I was at the grocery store yesterday and I had to wrestle and elbow a trick in the throat for the last loaf of sourdough.

Pic: Splash

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Johnny Depp As Donald Trump: Would You Hit It?

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Somewhere, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is sitting on a stool (read: a skinny naked blonde model on all fours) and is nervously laughing into a morning cup of coffee served by his butler (read: a skinny naked blonde model wearing only white gloves) as he watches Funny or Die’s Donald Trump spoof on his TV (read: a skinny naked blonde model holding an iPad in front of him), because he knows if it was an actual movie that came out in the theaters in December, the Oscar would elude his ass AGAIN. That Oscar would go to Johnny Depp who has given his greatest performance since Cry-Baby!

Funny or Die told The New York Times that they shot this 50-minute-long TV movie-of-the-week parody of Jabba the Trump’s advice book The (F)Art Of The Deal in December, but they’ve been waiting for the perfect time to release it. They decided that today was the perfect day to release it after Trump won the New Hampshire primary last night thanks to thousands of cats in human costumes who voted for him because they know that if he becomes president humanity will be destroyed and their reign as the most powerful creatures in the country will begin.

Opie Taylor introduces the fake movie as a recently discovered 80s biopic that was shelved after it was preempted by a football game and Trump refused to release it. It stars Johnny as Trump, Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump, Patton Oswalt as Merv Griffin, Henry Winkler as Ed Koch, the boy from Room, ALF!!! and a bunch of others. The dialogue is spot-on, that 1980s VHS patina is perfect and the only thing it’s missing is an FBI warning at the beginning.

But Johnny Depp as Jabba the Trump steals every shot with his terrifying face. He looks like a pus-engorged boil on Jiminy Glick’s taint. He looks like a dingle stuck to a cat’s ass hairs. He looks like a lost Dick Tracy villain that was rejected for being too scary looking. What I’m trying to say is that he looks better than the real thing.

And yes, yes I’d hit it while wearing a low-budget Ivana wig.

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Will Smith Admits That, Yeah, They Probably Gave Their Kids Too Much Freedom

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Miles Robbins!

Susan Sarandon decided to give her world-famous 69-year-old tits the night off because she’s kind of enough to know that Piers Morgan’s peen is going to need some time to recover from him rubbing it raw while hate-tweeting about her. Susan Sarandon showed up to the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC with her headline-making chichis covered up with a demure Day of the Dead tarp/coat thing. She probably wanted all of the attention to go to her 23-year-old son Miles Robbins who went all the way with the theme of the movie and showed up dressed like a poor Lady CaCa going to a business meeting.

It’s really good to be the kid of a celebrity. Because when I go out in public in old lady white pantyhose, a slutty nurse skirt and a Salvation Army-bought blazer covered in little stuffed animals, children cry, hos threaten to beat me up and the cops try to arrest me. But when Miles Robbins does it, trick gets his picture taken. But I’m not going to hate at all, because the look IS 18th century nobleman on the bottom and fourth-tier Brony pimp on the top.

With that being said, he really should’ve covered up his hairy cleavage. It’s really not appropriate for a movie premiere. It’s VULGAR!

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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Birthday Sluts

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Uzo Aduba (35)
Chloë Grace Moretz (19)
Makenzie Vega (22)
Emma Roberts (25)
Stephanie Beatriz (35)
Holly Willoughby (35)
Elizabeth Banks (42)
Laura Dern (49)
Vince Gilligan (49)
Glenn Beck (52)
Alexander Payne (55)
George Stephanopoulos (55)
Jim Cramer (61)
Mark Spitz (66)
Michael Apted (75)
Roberta Flack (77)
Robert Wagner (86)
Leontyne Price (89)

Pic: Harper’s Bazaar

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Night Crumbs

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Blake NotSoLively was at a NYC fan screening of Deadpool and she wore what looks like a unicorn’s overly dirty litter box. But the bigger story is that she didn’t pass out on the carpet after her publicist said no to her question, “Um, is Mike’s Hard Lemonade made with organic lemons from a Southern plantation?”Lainey Gossip 

Pimp Mama Kris’s anus slit of a mouth spit out some chunky delusion while talking to Harper’s Bazaar. Something tells me she’ll have to call up her business partner Lucifer and tell him she didn’t mean all that stuff about believing in God – Celebitchy

I linked to pictures of AnnaLynne McCord’s nipples yesterday so I may as well link to pictures of her nipple trying to break free from nipple tape today – The Nip Slip 

Oh, America, the place where you can commit a crime, go to prison and then make a whole lot of cash by talking about it on every damn talk show in the country. Teresa Giudice is living the American dream!  – Reality Tea 

Chelsea Handler’s bare ass cheeks made their return to Instagram. I know you’ve been missing them – Drunken Stepfather

My prayers have been answered: Tom Hardy’s dick unpixelated! – The Superficial 

Jennifer Lawrence’s hair is looking very Chris Crocker circa 2007 – Hollywood Tuna 

Russell Tovey’s nipples apologized to that theatergoer for making him faint – Towleroad

DMX almost died from an asthma attack that was not brought on by the bad shit, so says his people – HuffPo

Oh, I just spent about a full minute staring at Ashley Benson’s crotch while trying to find a camel toe. How was your day? – Popoholic

The heads of the CDC held an emergency meeting today, which could only mean one thing: It’s true, Aubrey O’Day and Pauly D are bumping self tanner-covered fuck parts – Starcasm

Okay, but is Jonathan Cheban going to explain why his face looks like it was made using parts from a plastic lion mask and a Roy Horn wax figure? – Popsugar

Janice Dickinson’s defamation lawsuit against Bill Cosby’s ex-lawyer has been thrown out. “YAAASSS!” screamed Kanye and only Kanye – Jezebel

Blossom flashed her cleavage at Piers Morgan…. – SOW

Today in sad, Ken Watanabe has stomach cancer – Just Jared

Pic: Wenn.com

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Pure Blasphemy: Ludivine The Dog Beat Joan Collins For The Title of Hot Slut Of January

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

When I finally woke up and made Joan Collins Hot Slut of the Day for the first time on January 1st, I thought that I’d see her become Hot Slut of the Month, then Hot Slut of the Year, then Hot Slut of the Decade and then Hot Slut of the Century. (I just started taking a multi-vitamin and red wine has mostly become my booze of choice, so obviously I’m going to live way past 120.) But my dreams drowned in a puddle of hound dog drool that was slobbered out by half-marathon champion Ludivine! The door to Hell’s special place now has a plaque on it that reads: “Welcome everybody who voted against Joan Collins in Dlisted’s Hot Slut of the Month contest.

The first Hot Slut of the Month battle of 2016 wasn’t even that close. It was down to living legend Joan Collins, Chic Jeans, Malibu Musk and Ludivine the dog who won 7th place in a half-marathon without trying. Ludivine got almost 43% of the votes, Joan Collins got almost 35%, Chic Jeans got 12% and Malibu Musk got 10%. I blame all of you who voted for Chic Jeans and Malibu Musk. If your votes went to Joan, she would’ve won! I also blame Polldaddy for making an un-riggable product. I blame everyone!

Well, congratulations to Ludivine for becoming Dlisted’s first HSOTM of 2016. She’s a star, a champion and she’ll go on to the Hot Slut of the Year finals in 2017. That’s if God doesn’t throw a lightning bolt at Dlisted’s server (aka a fat stoned hamster napping on a wheel) for doing Joan wrong like this. If you need me I’ll be in the corner trying to come up with a way to make February’s Hot Slut of the Month contest be between Joan Collins, Joan Collins, Joan Collins and….. Joan Collins.

Thanks to everyone who voted (even you hurtful bitches who didn’t vote for Joan Collins)!

Pic: Ludivine’s Facebook

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