If Usain Bolt was playing a game of charades with those who know me and the phrase he had to act out was, “What Michael K wishes he was doing every night of the week,” he and his partner definitely would’ve won. But that’s not what he was doing. Usain was freaking out because he was afraid that his career was over thanks to a stupid ass Segway. That really would’ve been a bitch.
After beating his competition in the 200 meter final at the World Championships in Beijing today, the human lightning bolt was strolling along the track barefoot when a cameraman on a Segway hit some shit, lost control and ran right into him. Bitch went down, did a somersault and then limped away. Just look at this bumbling buffoonery:
Mamma mia is right!
The good news for Usain is that his moneymakers are fine. Usain told reporters afterward that the Segway hit him in his calf area and he’s going to be okay. Can you imagine if that damn Segway messed up his ankles and took him out of the game forever? See, this is why the only highly-trained pilots who should be allowed to drive a Segway are Shauna Sand and Raven. They’re the only ones who can truly tame that two-wheeled beast.
Josh Duggar checked into long-term treatment the other day after admitting that he cheated on his wife and after a porn star came forward claiming that she had rough, bareback sex with the Pillsbury Dough Douche. It turns out that the rehab facility Josh is in, is actually a Christian labor camp where he’ll spend the next few months studying the bible and doing labor. So, I’m guessing that a pastor type will scream “PORN IS BAD” at him while he makes a church pew out of plywood. So while he’s off becoming even more sexually repressed, his wife Anna Duggar has to raise their four kids without even thinking about looking at the exit door since she’s not allowed to leave.
We’re just a few days away from the heads of One Million Moms popping off as Miley Cyrus uses a pineapple-shaped rhinestone strap-on to butt fuck a purple power bottom unicorn on stage at the MTV VMAs. So to promote her hosting gig, Miley went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night while looking like the LSD baby that Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock pushed out 9 months after having messy, sloppy LSD-fueled sex with a rainbow disco ball light from Spencer’s Gifts.
As soon as Miley sat down, she and Jimmy Kimmel started talking about her chipmunk chest dumplings since they’re always out. In case you didn’t already figure it out after the 1,985,986th time she put her hillbilly chichis on display in public, she’s really comfortable being topless and partly because it makes other people uncomfortable. When Miley met Paul McCartney, she was nervous about meeting him, but was comforted by him being uncomfortable with her tits being out. Sure, when Miley meets someone with her tits out, it’s considered a “cute ice breaker.” But when I meet someone with my pants off, the police are called, my name ends up on a list and I get a cleaning bill because everyone barfed on the floor.
Here’s Miley talking about the tits on her chest, the tit she calls pappy and America’s fear of the nipple:
I’m typing this from my Braille keyboard now, because when she said, “My dad would rather me not have my tits out all the time,” I side-eyed so hard that my eyeballs turned 180 degrees. Please, that gives Billy Ray Cyrus pride and if he had tits like Miley, he too would slap some pasties on ’em and jiggle ’em for Jimmy Kimmel. Why am I giving Billy Ray ideas?
Miley also did a segment where she disguised herself as an Australian reporter and asked people on the street what they think of Miley Cyrus. Click here to see it, but a warning to Australians, her accent may make your ear holes bleed Vegemite. Although, her Australian accent is still better than Quentin Tarantino’s Australian accent in Django Unchained.
And here’s Miley showing up to ABC Studios after committing a criminal act by stealing one of Soleil Moon Frye’s old Punky Brewster outfits.
Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!
Two “Friends” Down, Four More To Go: Taylor Swift Performed “Smelly Cat” With Lisa Kudrow Last Night
“Random” got a new definition this past weekend when the long-lost twin sister of American Girl doll Kit brought out Joey Tribbiani during her first of five shows at the Staples Center in L.A. Last night was Taylor Swift’s final show in L.A. and she continued with the “Friends” theme by bringing out Lisa Kudrow to sing the song that Brandi Glanville has dedicated to Joanna Krupa’s twat.
When “Smelly Cat” first popped up in a “Friends” episode in November 1995, Taylor Swift was only a tiny 5-year-old being raised by woodland creatures and enchanted elves on a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania. But since “Smelly Cat” is a classic and Taylor is a diabolical demon who won’t stop until all of your favorites belong to her, she sang that song with Lisa Kudrow. As this happened, Taylor’s Girl Squad held Lisa’s family hostage while screaming at them, “Shut the fuck up, we’ll let your asses go when Lisa does what we told her to do!”
If the world was a perfect place where dreams really do come true, Taylor would’ve exited stage left and let Phoebe Buffay do the rest of the show by herself.
Of course, Phoebe Buffay wasn’t Tay Tay’s only special guest last night. Taylor is trying hard to make that “Please Welcome to the Stage” parody a reality, so she also brought out Selena Gomez and she sang “Mirrors” with Justin Timberlake, who was dressed like a member of an all-white Run DMC tribute group.
Whatever, I won’t be impressed until Taylor brings out Charo, the cast of Models Inc. and the real-life Tupac. (Actually, please don’t bring out Charo, Taylor. If you do, I’ll have to judge Charo’s life choices and I don’t want to know what that feels like.)
Fearing a repeat of 2013 VMA’s, Miley’s dancing bear takes extreme measures to escape L.A. – BoozyShortcakes
You can’t even trust that Cecil dentist in a toy store. – Texndoc
The mother and daughter who have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to look like the second most gorgeous woman in Britain: Katie Price! (Jodie Marsh is the first, of course.)
Meet 38-year-old Georgina Clarke (on the left) and her 20-year-old daughter Kayla Morris (on the right), the silicone daffodils from England who have made their dreams come true by injecting gallons of plastic into their faces and bodies to look like their beauty idol Katie Price. Dina “White Oprah” Lohan and Pimp Mama Kris have some serious competition in the International Mother of the Century contest, because Georgina Clarke paid for her plastic surgeries using the money Kayla made from gold digging and stripping.
Paul Reubens (63)
Blake Jenner (23)
Alexa Vega (27)
Patrick J Adams (34)
Demetria McKinney (36)
Aaron Paul (36)
Sarah Chalke (39)
Jonny Moseley (40)
The Great Khali (43)
Mike Smith (43)
Leanna Creel (45)
Cesar Milan (46)
Chandra Wilson (46)
Bobo of Cypress Hill (47)
Yolanda Adams (54)
Tom Ford (54)
Downtown Julie Brown (52)
Diana Scarwid (60)
Peter Stormare (62)
Barbara Bach (68)
Tuesday Weld (72)
Daryl Dragon (The Captain from Captain & Tennille) (73)
Bruce Willis dropped out of Woody Allen’s latest movie after already filming scenes. The official excuse is that there were scheduling conflicts with Bruce’s Broadway debut in the stage version of Misery co-starring Laurie Metcalf, but some people think that doesn’t make sense and believe he was fired. Who knows? The only thing I want to know is why did Bruce Willis look like Daddy Warbucks while filming? Please don’t tell me that Woody Allen is doing a remake of Annie. I don’t even want to imagine that. No, really, it’s illegal to imagine that – Lainey Gossip
Coming soon: Real THOTS of THOTland starring Blac Chyna and Amber Rose – Reality Tea
Casper Smart really wants to take his gold digging game to the next level, but JLo isn’t on board – The Superficial
Candice Swanepoel went topless in Lui Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
In other words, People Magazine has no idea what’s going on with Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s marriage – Celebitchy
Not sure what’s more terrifying: Pimp Mama Kris’ face in the flesh or Pimp Mama Kris’ face in cardboard form – WWTDD
What I’m getting from this is that Taylor Swift has money invested in Periscope and is trying to destroy SnapChat – IDLYITW
Tila Tequila works as a phone fuck operator now. You really do learn something new every day, because today I learned that people still pay for phone sex – Hollywood Tuna
Sashay Away, Donella Trump – Towleroad
Here’s Kiki Dunst in Birkenstocks – Popoholic
I can’t laugh at this dog’s busted swimming skills, because I probably look more stupid when I swim – The Berry
Daniel really IS the villain of The Karate Kid – WWTDD
Brace yourself for a fart joke overload: Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer are writing a comedy together – ICYDK
Poke at me when In-N-Out and Subway join forces for a foot long Double Double – SOW
Paula Deen will be on Dancing with the Stars so prepare to hear about her dancing the Viennese Waltz to “Pick a Bale of Cotton” – A.V. Club
Tobey Sheldon, the Justin Bieber look-alike who was on Botched, was found dead at the young age of 35 – Just Jared
UsWeekly reported today that Ben Affleck has officially removed his wedding ring and a source confirms this. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the source is their motherfucking eyeballs since anybody who can see knows that Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding ring in these pictures.
No, I think what UsWeekly means is that Ben and Jennifer Garner’s ring fingers have said goodbye to their wedding bands for good. For a while, Ben was playing the ring game. Sometime’s he’d have it on, sometimes he’d have it off. He was either trolling the tabloids for attention or his ring would get lost every time he fisted his piece of the moment. It happens. But a source tells UsWeekly that Ben and Jennifer have decided to completely move on and have agreed to stop wearing their wedding rings. Ben was out in L.A. yesterday with his daughter Seraphina and his wedding ring was not on his finger. Mark this day.
I’m glad that Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Now nothing will distract us from his magnificent man tits. They deserve all the attention. Hopefully Jennifer Garner got in one last good motorboat for the road.