Birthday Sluts

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Reba McEntire (60)
Lady Gaga (29)
Sauli Koskinen (30)
Julia Stiles (34)
Kate Gosselin (40)
Shanna Moakler (40)
Richard Kelly (40)
Matt Nathanson (42)
Nick Forst (43)
Mr. Cheeks (44)
Vince Vaughn (45)
Brett Ratner (46)
Cheryl “Salt” James (49)
April Margera (59)
Dianne Weist (67)
Conchata Ferrell (72)
Mike Newell (73)

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Night Crumbs

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Katy Perry giving you executive assistant to the CEO of Hot Topic goth messiness while that adorable dog friend is giving you “ayúdame” eyes. Either that dog is Team Taylor Swift or things are awkward for it because it fucked John Mayer too (but who hasn’t?). – Lainey Gossip

Mimi does carpool karaoke with James Corden and either she’s drunk or I’m drunk or a little of both - OMG Blog

Apparently Kate Upton’s magnificent chichis aren’t magnificent enough for people to ignore her asshole ways – Celebitchy

If you’re hanging around youngins this weekend and need some gossip to talk about, Bella Thorne is dating Pamela Anderson’s son – WWTDD

Dear George Takei, allow me to Crisco up your face and hide razors in your hair before you go after that Indiana trash who signed that anti-gay bill – Towleroad

Kim Kartrashian has some competition in the rib-breaking department – Drunken Stepfather

Claudia Jordan wants Porsha Williams fired from Real Housewives of Atlanta - Reality Tea 

For the zero of you out there who haven’t seen it yet, here’s Lindsay Lohan’s ginger nipple – IDLYITW

MiserAlba’s in a bikini - The Superficial 

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Justin Bieber wearing? – Just Jared

You’re So Vain You Think These Tweets Are About You: The Billy Zane Edition – SOW

Molly Sims had a baby and she looks like this – ICYDK

Drea De Matteo lost her home in the East Village explosion – Page Six

And here’s a clip from Karkoochie Tran’s train wreck interview with Iyanla. Guess she doesn’t want her life fixed. – Jezebel

It’s Friday so here’s some MAN NIPPLES – The Berry 

And for about 5 seconds I thought this was Hilary Swank in that Amelia Earhart movie – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

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Zayn Malik Says He Quit One Direction Because It Wasn’t “Real” To Him Anymore

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Speaking of real, someone needs to sit him down and have a real conversation about that tragic spider flex headband that begin with the words “Bitch, NO.

In an attempt to temporarily distract the weeping 10-year-olds from flooding the Earth with their salty sad tears, Zayn Malik gave his first interview since quitting One Direction to The Sun (via Billboard) to explain why he threw all his styling cream in a cardboard box and left. According to Zayn, Zayn wanted to leave One Direction because he was tired of putting on a phony smile every time he stepped on stage and he just wanted to be a normal dude for once:

“I did try to do something that I wasn’t happy doing for a while, for the sake of maybe other’s people’s happiness. And that was mainly the fans. I only ever tried to do it for the fans. I’m only upset [because] I feel like I may have let them down in some sort of way. That’s the main thing that I don’t want to happen. It’s not that I’ve turned my back on them or anything. It’s just that I can’t do that anymore because it’s not real to me.”

Although a source is telling People that he actually quit because, like Harry Styles, he thinks he’s got a shot at a solo career:

“He told everyone in the band and management that he wants to live a normal life and the next thing you know he’s going into music studios and doing interviews with tabloids,” a source close to the band tells People. “Everyone feels a bit misled and thinks he was lying about wanting to live a normal life.”

I’m no Miss Cleo (I wish), but I do not predict this will turn out well. Someone needs to warn him that not every boy bander will have a solo career as illustrious as former boy bander JC Chasez. Yes I said JC Chasez. I’m sorry, but do you see Justin Timberlake landing top-shelf video talent like Tara Reid? I didn’t think so. Zayn, there’s no guarantee you’ll be anywhere near as successful; JC Chasez is the exception, not the rule!

But first, someone needs to warn him about the current state of his hair:

Zayn Malik heads out with cropped hair and pony tail.

Zayn, just because you quit One Direction doesn’t mean you also have to quit whatever the opposite of this is.

Pics: Splash

The Trailer For 50 Cent’s New Flick Is Out (I Think Jake Gyllenhaal’s In It, Too?)

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I kid, because 50 Cent is sort of loathsome and I had to opt out of Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ about fifteen minutes in. It was so bad. It was so bad that I axed it knowing there was some prison dick shots coming up. That’s bad. Anyway, the trailer for Jake Gyllenhaal’s boxer flick Southpaw has dropped. You can watch it below.

If you don’t want to actually sit through this film, just watch the trailer. It’s a microcosm of the actual film. It’s the damn Clift Notes. It seemingly just leaves out the very end (wins the fight, gets his daughter back I’m guessing?). Why does Hollywood assume that we’re all slack-jawed hammerheads who need everything spoon fed to us? Hey, I sort of understood Interstellar! I know things! I’m learned and patient enough not to need the movie explained to me so I’ll go see the movie! And so are many others, I’m sure. Hollywood’s the worst.

Is Jake’s dialogue…dubbed… or something? Is that him actually speaking? If so, give that dude an Oscar now cuz’ wow, he really worked on the “from the streets” patter.

And I should probably mention “wow” at the boxing body, but it’s always distracting admiring a jacked guy when there’s blood pouring out of his gob.

Watch the Southpaw trailer (and check out some more screen shots) below.

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Open Post: Hosted By Ryan Reynolds As Deadpool

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Because nobody learned anything from that smegma nugget called The Green Lantern, Ryan Reynolds is shooting another superhero right now and today he tweeted out the “first look” of him working full Deadpool drag while lounging on a faux bearskin rug that has 100% more personality and charisma than Blake NotSoLively. This shit doesn’t come out until 2016.

Dude looks like a female contract killer who made her costume out of an old catsuit and an off-brand Spider-Man mask. I don’t know whether or not this is making the nerds get moist at the tip or is making their throat get moist from the vomit that’s coming up while looking at this abomination! But I do know that Ryan and the hos who came up with that picture are not right. I get that it’s a parody, but tricks shouldn’t even bother recreating such a panty cream-inducing  iconic pose:

burtreynoldsbearskin

Whenever you look at that picture too long, you start to get the feeling that you need to pull pubes out of your mouth. The hair just seeps through the screen. You don’t know where the bearskin run ends and Burt Reynolds’ begins. Deadpoo (typo and it stays) shouldn’t have even tried it. That said, I still would.

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This Is The Last Time You’ll See Duchess Kate Before She Births Out Her Second Royal Baby

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I have no idea why, but I just pictured Duchess Kate saying “Bye y’all, bye y’all” like Tami Taylor. Maybe it’s the hair? Regardless, this is the last time you’ll see Duchess Kate do the royal smile n’ wave for a while, because she’s now officially on maternity leave. Duchess Kate made her last official royal appearance earlier today at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London with Prince William, and now she’s free to kick up her feet up on a corgi while she wait for the contractions to start. I wonder if her coats threw her a going away party?

With Kate stuck in the house cruising Craigslist for a housekeeper, I wonder if Prince William will sub-in an alternate for future appearances? The obvious choice would be Prince Harry, but even better would be if Prince William swapped himself out for Baby Prince George.

Then they should switch out the royal limousine for a Harley with a sidecar. And instead of playing whatever boring-ass song they play when Duchess Kate and Prince William show up, they blast “Raise A Little Hell” by Trooper. That’s the royal visit I want to see! I can just picture a hungover Harry screaming into a megaphone: “Ladies and gentlemen of whatever charity we’re making an appearance at, please welcome the Bad Boyz of Buckingham Palace!” before turning to his nephew and saying “Oi, George – pass me a sick bag, mate.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate on her last day of work for a while (I know, “work” should be in quotations):

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Kissed At A Kenny Chesney Show

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Sophia the First’s passive-aggressive older sister Taylor Swift (“I’m the first, sweetie.”) and that DJ guy Calvin Harris made out at a Kenny “Fraud” Chesney show in Nashville last night.  There was also some lap-sitting involved. I’ll hold your bag while you take a moment.

These snaps are from the Taylor Swift Updates Twatter. That lady in the lower left of the 2nd pic is mirroring my “what, who, eh?” expression exactly.

As I snarky-aggregated yesterday, Swifty and DJ Calvin have been photo-opping around Nashville, wearing matching outfits and celebrating Phase One of The Harry Styles Will Feel Tay Tay’s Wrath Project being complete.

TMZ reports that DJ Calvin had his arm around Taylor’s waist,  she was seated upon his lap for a spell, and “an eyewitness” (Hi, Taylor’s publicist using the voice-changer from Scream because TMZ knows your voice really well by now) spotted them kissing.

Here’s your bag back. Wait, let me hold it again while you guffaw at this November 2014 video from TMZ of DJ Calvin stating that Taylor Swift isn’t his type. Several times.  If Tay Tay wants you to wear matching outfits with her, TAY TAY GETS YOU TO WEAR MATCHING OUTFITS WITH HER.

Did formerly squinty Renee Zellweger let Tay Tay know that the closet cowboy was up for some future bearding work? This must have happened while Renee was cleaning out her cubby at the last Celebrity Squinters meeting.

Here’s a vid of Taylor dancing. And and one of her and Calvin going backstage or something. Did you want your bag back yet?

Check out more pics Taylor on stage with Chesney below.

Julia Roberts Thinks Nicole Kidman Is Acting Like A Snobby Bitch On The Set Of Their New Movie

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:

“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”

The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.

Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.

Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.

Pics: Wenn.com

JLo Lied To Us All! How Will We Ever Learn To Trust Anyone Again?

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When JLo and Casper the Douchey Gold Digger broke up, nearly everyone broke up with their pieces, because if an egomaniac and Frogger’s maybe cheating, glory hole-trolling cousin can’t make it, who can?! Well, it turns out they can make, because they’ve been making it this entire time. That’s what TMZ says anyway. When JLo said that she’s happy to be single, what she really meant is that she’s a STUNT QUEEN who is happy to be tricking us all. Apparently, JLo never stopped doing the low-rent KFed and only said that to create “buzz” for that The Boy Next Door movie. Beyonce just bowed down to JLo and her shameless PR hustle.

TMZ says that JLo and Casper did break up last June, but they got back together a few weeks later. JLo didn’t say anything and pretended like they were done, because she and the producers of The Boy Next Door felt like they’d sell more tickets if everyone thought she was getting on her co-star Ryan Guzman. She also had a book about love she needed to whore out. For the past few months, they’ve been trying to keep it on the down low, but I guess they’re over that, because they kissed in front of the paps the other day. The whole “single for press” thing also worked for Casper, because he wanted to look single while shooting a UFC fighter movie nobody’s going to watch.

JLo had it right when she was lying about being with Casper Smart and she should’ve kept lying. I get that JLo may want to be with a piece she can boss around, but why Casper’s buff Jon Cryer-looking ass? Were there not better options at Boy Toys ‘R Us? Whatever, I guess the coochie wants what the coochie wants. Or maybe… JLo was trying to cross a bridge one day and she ran into Casper who was guarding it. When Casper asked her to solve a riddle, she got it wrong, which put a curse on her and she’s been tied to him ever since! Blink twice if I’m right, JLo.

Are There That Many “Coach” Fans Out There Who Needed A Sequel?

March 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Fresh off [verb redacted because spoiler culture is real, and people get wrought and will curse you out like you took their parking spot] on Parenthood, Craig T. Nelson will reprise his role as Coach in a 13-episode sequel for NBC. Variety reports that it will be the same concept except it’s 18 years later in the Coach universe, and everyone is now in their 90s or dead. They must all be dead, right? Wasn’t everyone already geriatric on that show?

The Hayden Fox character will come out of retirement to help his now grown-ass son coach a college football team. Nelson, 70, won an Emmy for the role in 1992. The original series ran on ABC from 1989 until 1997.

Actually, no, after some thorough research, I’ve determined everyone who acted on Coach is somehow ALIVE. This is good news because it means that horny gramma Mona from Who’s The Boss (Katherine Helmond) is still catting around. And so is that darling-voiced Georgia Engel, who I didn’t even know was on Coach! They should just ditch this dumb sequel idea and have those two carry a show about slutty cougars who turn the world upside down with their sexy ways.  Check out this video of Georgia Engal and Betty White totally coming off as an adorable late-in-life lesbian couple.

Coach was on for NINE SEASONS. NINE. Really? I think I saw it once and was like, oh, the theme is guys are funny cuz’ they’re stupid *eye-roll*and wow, Shelly Fabrares has some big,red hair. She was like the proto-Merida. When Michael K. mentioned this story, he noted how he only remembered her hair, too. They better bring her or her hair back so people understand what’s happening.

God willing this means a Grace Under Fire sequel is in the works.

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