Night Crumbs

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted holding hands in Canada, but it looks more like he’s pulling her aside to whisper: “Girl, you need to start doing a creep sweep before you exit the plane, ’cause that camel toe is out of control”Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris just signed Shrek Montana as a “client”, which means a Wookiee/Ogre sex tape will be burning our eyes in no time – Reality Tea

Huge shocking surprise: “Mega pop superstarAriana Grande Latte is a difficult fetus-faced diva – Celebitchy

Alessandra Ambrosia Salad reminds us what she looks like when she’s not wearing a bikini – Hollywood Tuna

Ageless Smoky Mountain wildflower Dolly Parton did the ice bucket challenge and – DUH – it was adorable – Towleroad

Brit Brit had the kind of day that even a trenta white chocolate mocha Frappucinno couldn’t fix – WWTDD

Every time I see Rihanna in a bikini, it always looks like that Isis tattoo has volunteered to hold her tits up, like “Here, allow me” – The Superficial

I bet all the ice cubes in that bucket were like “Ew, you go first!” “No, you go first!” – Drunken Stepfather

Jackie from That 70s Show: still pregnant – Popoholic

These are either the first pics of Angelina Jolie since she got hitched or Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove on vacation (they’re blurry and it’s hard to tell)  – Popsugar

#26 automatically wins, because PUPPEH!!! – The Berry

Kendull Jenner (sorry…Kendull) klaims she was bowing her head – not checking her phone – during the moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs. This just in: Kendull Jenner is as good at lying as she is at reading – ICYDK

Vanessa Hudgens did a good – Just Jared

Lena Dunham looks like one of the Golden Girls waking up from a post-cheesecake nap on the lanai (well, not Blanche – Blanche would never wake up looking anything less than a freshly bloomed magnolia blossom) – SOW

The dancers from Cirque du Soleil’s Michael Jackson: One made a music video for the single “A Place With No Name“, and it’s the definition of a beautiful low-budget desert circus raver stripper ANTM mess (aka PERFECTION) – Boy Culture

Totes awky mo mo” sounds like something Miley Cyrus would name one of her dogs – Pajiba

Pic: FameFlynet

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What In Creepy 1970s Algebra Professor Hell Is Going On Here?

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Jesus take the wheel. Take the everything! This is definitely one of those ‘One set of footprints on the beach’ moments where Jesus needs to pick his ass up and start searching his pockets for PCP, because Snoop Dogg has clearly cut his good shit with the kind of bad shit that makes terrifying nightmares come to life.

Apropos of nothing, Snoop posted a bunch of pictures to Instagram of himself dressed up as his white alter-ego Snoop Todd. Snoop didn’t explain why he was dressed up like Walter White fucked a bag of flour and a Diane Sawyer wig, and quite frankly, the less I know, the better. Snoop Todd looks like the type of guy who is required by law to introduce himself to everyone on the street when he moves into a new neighborhood. Snoop Todd looks like a sex offender with scurvy. Snoop Todd would also sort of look like my high school librarian if you shaved off the facial hair (save for a couple under the chin) and dangled a delicate gold cross from Costco out of the top of that turtleneck.

I don’t know if people will react to Snoop Dogg in whiteface like they reacted to Nick Cannon in whiteface, but can whatever Snoop is doing really be considered whiteface? It’s more like Elmer’s wood filler face. Or expired foundation from Dollar Tree face. Regardless of what it is, Jackie Rogers Jr. isn’t here for Snoop trying to jack his look:

Jackie.Rogers.Jr

Here’s more of Snoop Dogg Snoop Lion Snoop Todd serving up FACE! WIG! NIGHTMARES!, because clearly there’s not enough disturbing shit on the Internet.

(via Uproxx)

Open Post: Hosted By A Relaxed-As-Hell Chihuahua Getting A Neck Massage

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Who would have though that a video of a chihuahua blissing the fuck out while napping under a tiny Korean newspaper as a set of rotating rubber testicles gently massage away his little leg-humping worries would be the most relaxing thing I’d see all week? This video is more relaxing than taking a Calgon bath with Bob Ross while a basket of kittens dump a bucket of cotton balls over your head. Part of me wishes I could wake up every morning to the image of this little butterscotch nugget resting comfortably on two sets of battery-operated Truck Nutz (really, what even is that massager), but I’m afraid it might make me too calm. I don’t want to start writing shit like “Blessed be, it’s ethereal goddess Kim Kardashian exuding gentle energy and soulful light while posing with her tits out in an Instagram selfie.” And trust, nobody wants that less that me.

The only thing that could make this video any more perfect than it already is would be to set it to some Enya and loop it so that it played for at least 60 minutes. That way, I could bring it with me the next time I go to the dentist and really namaste away all my stress. Or just let me bring that dog with me when I go? Hit me up, hypnotic chihuahua!

(via Gawker)

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Beyoncé Lets Sasha Fierce Ride The Camel

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.

In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?

I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.

Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed

There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.

That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.

Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.

Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus Flashing Her Fur-Covered Cooter For V Magazine

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?

But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?

Screen Shot 2014-08-29 at 9.24.57 AM copy

Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.

Pics: Instagram, ONTD

That Wig On “Alicia Silverstone” Though…

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Do yourself a favor and get into these clips from Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy biopic. This shit is so low-budget that I think it might be a prank.  I was waiting for Jimmy Kimmel, no scratch that – Seth Meyers to walk out. This is Lifetime’s attempt to grab ahold of that Sharknado-type viral success, right? No one can act, that girl looks not a thing like the much-missed Murphy, and holy shite, THAT WIG ON “ALICIA SILVERSTONE.” Did someone from The Craft cast a curse on that girl? What in hell does she have going on under there that required that on her head? I think it’s still attached to whatever animal died for it. And that animal has peed many times and it’s dried. They couldn’t afford an actual blonde? Did they spent too much (a Tan-O-Rama Groupon)) hiring the girl in the Mayam Bialik chapeau? Maybe they put the money aside in case Brittany’s trashbag dad actually sues and (jn a surreal moment) wins? Continue reading »

Bryan Singer Accused Of Sexual Assault. Again.

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Either someone has it out for director Bryan Singer or dude immediately needs to be ensconced in something with bars. Buzzfeed reports that Detective Olivia Benson and those two tricks that could never hope to replace Elliot Stabler are currently investigating the X-Men: Days of Future Past director on an sexual assault claim. The alleged victim is described as a 20-something NYC man, and the incident reportedly took place in March of last year.  Not a minor this time? Upgrade for Bryan!

Acting on a tip, Buzzfeed dropped by the NYPD with a basket of muffins and a Diamond Candle, and just happened to innocently ask if Singer was being investigated by them. That’s so weird, now that you mention it, yes!

Continue reading »

Melissa Says Joan Rivers Is “Resting Comfortably” After Being Rushed To The Hospital Yesterday

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

When it was reported yesterday that Joan Rivers had been rushed to the hospital after her heart stopped beating and her lungs stopped breathing during a throat procedure at a clinic, my first reaction was to scream out NOOOOO! while clutching at an egg of Sully Putty and praying the Rosary on the fine craftsmanship and exquisite detail of a Joan Rivers for HSN beaded necklace. But my second reaction was the same as J Harveys: we both immediately cried “WHAT ABOUT MELISSA?!?”, because what the hell would Melissa Rivers do without her mom?

Thankfully we don’t have to cross that bridge just yet, but it sounds like we shouldn’t disassemble our prayer shrines either. Us Weekly says that Joan is currently in a medically-induced coma, while Melissa has released a statement via a rep from Mount Sinai (the hospital where Joan is laid up) that her mom is doing okay for now:

“I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming love and support for my mother. She is resting comfortably and is with our family. We ask that you continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.”

Joan has been in the hospital for around 24-hours, and already her condition has been upgraded twice from “critical’ to “stable” to “resting comfortably”. Bitch works fast! I’m hoping that at this rate, her condition will be upgraded to “watching reruns of House Hunters on HGTV” before Sunday. Then on Monday morning, she’ll appear on HSN hustling her new line of exquisitely crafted 14K rose gold IV catheters and hissing insults about how hideous her nurse’s scrubs were on Fashion Police (what am I saying? She’s probably already doing that from her hospital bed).

But in the meantime, I’ll go back to my praying over my egg of Silly Putty and this picture of Joan and her Yorkie, Spike. If anyone can save Joan, it’s Spike!

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RIP Brit Brit And Normal Guy Dave

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! Continue reading »

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Queen Valanice from King’s Quest!

King’s Quest was a series of computer games released in the 80s/early 90s that told the story of King Graham going on quests and fighting goblins and dragons and all that shit. They were puzzle games, which mostly meant that you walked around and picked up items like dead fish because later it would open a lock.

Anyway, Valanice was the queen of Daventry (yes, I remember this shit) who looked like the evil stepmother from Cinderella. Mostly she just hung out in the background but in King’s Quest VII she took CENTER STAGE! The game features Valanice nagging her dumb bitch daughter Rosella to get hitched and stop fucking singing, only to have Rosella fall down some hole and into another land, so Valanice goes after her BECAUSE SHE WANTS A WEDDING. They fall into another land, where Valanice searches for her daughter while yelling at little kids and turning a tree into a lady that looks like Bianca from Beverly Hills Teens.

This game was so damn addictive, that my friend Sarah and I left a New Year’s Eve party junior year of high school by faking she got her period so we could go home and play this until 3 in the morning. Anyway, here’s the intro to King’s Quest VII featuring a beautiful song that is destined to be a Demi Lovato hit someday.

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