In “Bitch You Need The Work” News: Lindsay Lohan Turned Down A Burger King Commercial

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. But BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.

But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.

“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”

Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.

If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.

Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.

 

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Americana, the true symbol of America whose image should be made into a gigantic statue of cooper that sits on Liberty Island in NYC. (Sorry, Statue of Libery.)

In honor of the day that some of us fill our greedy mouth hole with gallon after gallon of imported beer until our liver declares independence from our body, today’s HSOTD is Americana, a wrestler from the hands-down greatest sports organization of all-time: GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling)! Whenever I see shit about how China overtook the US as the world’s largest economy, I shake my head at this country and its decisions. That would’ve never happened if GLOW still existed today, because it would be bringing in at least ten trillion dollars. At least!

When GLOW started in 1986, Americana (played by Cindy Maranne) was an original member and she lasted 2 seasons. (GLOW itself only lasted 5 seasons.) She was the GLOW singles champion at one point. She quit GLOW and hung up her red, white and blue leotard, because she wanted to move back to L.A. to do the “real” acting thing. Cindy was in an 80s horror movie called Slash Dance so her dreams of making it in Hollywood obviously came true. She also married one of GLOW’s writers and together they had a kid I’m hoping they named Americana Jr. Americana is also in the documentary about GLOW and if you haven’t seen it already, you really should. Or just sign up for an American History class at any Ivy League university since I’m sure they cover the GLOW documentary in depth.

And now I leave you with this extra hot patriotic clip of Americana taking on Royal Hawaiian. This is about as American as blowing your nalgas skin off after lighting a firecracker in your ass during a Fourth of July BBQ.

“That’s even more American than me!” – Shia LaDouche while fucking a can of Coors on top of the head at the Crazy Horse Memorial.

Happy 4th, everyone!

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Birthday Sluts

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Koko The Gorilla (44)
Alyssa Miller (26)
Melanie Fiona (32)
Isabeli Fontana (32)
The Situation (33)
Becki Newton (37)
Elie Saab (51)
David Cross (52)
Ute Lemper (52)
Neil Morrissey (53)
Andrew Zimmern (54)
Victoria Abril (56)
Geraldo Rivera (72)
Queen Sonja of Norway (78)
Gina Lollobrigida (88)
Neil Simon (88)
Eva Marie Saint (91)

Pic: YouTube

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Night Crumbs

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

BREAKING: For the first time in the long history of their relationship (six seconds or so), long piece of dried jicama Calvin Harris posted a picture of his girlfriend Taylor Swift on Instagram. Calvin posted a picture of Tay Tay working the grill (and I’m sure her chef took over right after this picture was taken). The picture is dark, but I think she’s throwing a side-eye that says, “Dump me and it’ll be your nuts on this grill.” – Lainey Gossip

FINALLY, a movie star says something interesting during an interview. Technically, Paul Rudd’s ass said it, but still – The Superficial

Conan O’Brien crashed a girls night out to see Magic Mike XXL and you know he left a little milky, ginger butt cream on that movie theater seat – Towleroad

Methinks something got lost in communication and the source was really talking about George Clooney’s many ANAL experiments – Celebitchy

Teen Mom Jenelle is way too busy to be a mom. Why? Is Kesha in town again? – Reality Tea

Red, white and bulge – The Berry

Miley Cyrus went topless for V Magazine. You know, I’m a little disappointed that she also didn’t fuck that albino pineapple for the camera – Hollywood Tuna

But the clown wore it better (I’m talking about the clown in the second picture) – Drunken Stepfather

Malia Obama may be an intern on Girls. Please don’t tell me Lena Dunham gave her the job of giving mints to the dude who has to butt munch one of the characters in a scene – Jezebel

Can we get Matt Lauer to interview Button the pissing sheep next? – SOW

Scott Isadick gave himself and Kourtney Kartrashstain their next fake storyline for their reality shit show – Just Jared

That big tattooed sack of muscles who used to be with Kelly Brook has a peen and this is what it looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog

This is how most obits should read – Egotastic

The Alien Lizard King and the Cumberbitches’ enemy #1 made their first appearance since their baby was born – Popsugar

In every selfie of the permanently thirsty Hilaria Baldwin in her panties should be a baby screaming, “STOP!” – HuffPo

Pic: Instagram

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Who Is June’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Before you fill your body with so many pounds of hot dogs and sweet nectar that you can’t physically raise a finger to hit a key, vote for the hottest Hot Slut of all the Hot Sluts of June. As always, three of the HSOTM finalists were chosen by you (based on Facebook likes) and the fourth is a wild card pick chosen by my ass. But this month, I would’ve chosen every single one of these Hot Sluts, because it really is a major Hot Slut battle when the fighters are a muscled-up ginger kangaroo, a human My Little Pony with eyebrows that could cut a whore, a legendary poet and the son of the most talented woman in the world! The HSOTM finalists are:

Roger, the buff, ginger bro kangaroo who looks like he will beat your face in while stealing your girlfriend.

Courtney Barnes, Sweet Brown’s successor as America’s most beloved star witness.

Maurice Turner, the ex-fiancé of Rachel Dolewhatever (Remember her? Yeah, me neither) who compared her vajayjay to the Milk Way in a gorgeous love song that touched me and left me numb.

Shel Rasten, the Fabio-haired hot piece who came out of the body of Charo!

Voting is below. The winning Hot Slut will be announced next Thursday. And yes, Shel Rasten was my pick, because it would go against everything I believe in to not include the child of Charo in this competition.


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Open Post: Hosted By Shia LaBeouf Line Dancing To A Steve Earle Song In A Stay USA Hotel Parking Lot

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And here I thought that the most ‘Murican thing that would touch my eyes this week would be the sight of a topless, Wild and Wonderful Whites-looking ass Shia LaDouche screaming “America!” while visiting Mount Rushmore. I was wrong. Shia managed to outdo himself. Shia, who recently busted his head, is currently shooting a movie in rural South Dakota and TMZ got a video of him and the movie’s crew doing the Copperhead Road line dance to the Steve Earle song of the same name in the parking lot of a Stay USA Hotel. Watching it made my nipples secrete Cheez Whiz. It’s that ‘Murican.

As I can tell from my liver shivering with fear, it’s the Fourth of July tomorrow and so I’m 100% sure that Shia is going to go all the way. Shia’s going to try to get a bald eagle to butt fuck him as he sucks off the end of a firework in the back of an American flag-painted El Camino driving up to a Dairy Queen. So we better hide all bald eagles and fireworks in a place Shia will never go. (Hint: Let’s hide them in a shower.)

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Elizabeth Olsen Was Using Tom Hiddleston As A Decoy So She Could Secretly Date Chris Evans

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in May, lips started whispering that the sister holding the Olsen twins’ spare set of kidneys, Elizabeth Olsen, and Tom Hiddleston were informally rubbing sticks and stones together after she called it quits with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook. Well, according to the The National Enquirer (via Hollywood Gossip), it was all just lies to distract you from the truth: that she’s actually doing fellow Avenger Chris Evans. And just like that, every Hiddlestan dropped their pitchforks and slowly backed away from Elizabeth Olsen’s house.

A source says that Scarlet Witch and Captain America have been getting their secret hump on during the filming of Captain America: Civil War in Atlanta, but want to keep it on the down-low because Chris Evans doesn’t want to be seen as a skirt-chasing pussy hound.

“Chris is paranoid about his womanizing becoming public while he’s on this multi-picture deal with Marvel. He’s protecting his image, and will bend over backwards to keep things quiet.”

In the past fourteen months, Chris has been rumored to be doing Elizabeth Olsen, Lily Collins, Lucy Pinder, and Sandra Bullock. “Who’s the slut now?” hissed Black Widow.

I don’t know why Elizabeth and Chris had to concoct such an elaborate scheme to cover their fucking tracks and drag Tom Hiddleston into this mess. If anyone cornered Elizabeth at the craft services table and asked her if she’s banging Captain America, all she had to do is pull an Ariana Grande and claim he’s just a “friend with a penis.” Then again, this news is from the Enquirer, which means there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s a pile of lies. Maybe this lie is also a lie meant to distract us from the REAL truth: that Chris Evans is secretly banging Betty White. I knew it! Get it, Golden Girl.

Jennifer Garner And Ben Affleck Are Hiding Out With Their Kids In The Bahamas

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re rich, famous and don’t want your old friends the paparazzi stalking you to get the first pictures of you “STEPPING OUT AFTER THE DIVORCE NEWS,” you pack up your kids and fly off to your house in the Bahamas. Every casino in the Bahamas is calling in their best counting cards catcher, because Ben Affleck is there right now.

Page Six, TMZ, UsWeekly and every other media outlet who was on the CC list that Bennifer 2.0’s publicist sent out say that right around the time they announced that their marriage was done, they traveled to the Caribbean. Page Six’s source says that Ben and Jennifer Garner’s first priority is their three kids and they knew that if they stayed in L.A. the paps would’ve followed them around while screaming, “Oh, oh, so now that you’re getting a divorce you want nothing to do with us? It’s like that, huh?” Ben and Jennifer just want to spend some quiet family time together in the Bahamas.

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Amanda Seyfried Has A Case Of Fetus Fever

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Behold, the one person who might actually envy Michelle Duggar’s perpetual motion machine vagina. Amanda Seyfried recently admitted to Marie Claire UK that she wants a baby inside her RIGHT NOW. Amanda’s womb is ready for a visitor and her ovaries are furiously swiping right on every sperm they see on Fertilizer (aka Tinder for eggs). Amanda, who is currently dating Justin Long, is only 29 years old, but apparently her reproductive parts are screaming at her to get sperminated before they turn into a mummified pile of dust.

“I keep feeling like my eggs are dying off. Once you’ve turned 30, you might only have a 20 per cent of getting pregnant [each cycle]. And that’s if everything is working well. Isn’t that crazy? I need to get on it. I want a child, badly. I’ve been feeling it it for like, two years. I’m not ready, but nobody is ready.”

She goes on to say that she’s also ready for marriage, but don’t expect to see her posing for Vogue in a wedding gown. According to Amanda: “I do premieres and dress up all the time. I do that for a fucking living.

Amanda doesn’t have to worry that much about her chances of finding a fetus in her babymaker. If a 65-year-old grandma can get knocked up, I’m sure science will be able to find a way for 29-year-old Amanda. What I’d be more concerned about is just how bad it would be for your babymaker if the excessive amount of canned nacho cheese residue traveling through your body every day around 7pm were to seep through your intestines and collect on your uterus. For real, is that a thing that can happen? I’m asking for “friend“.

But Amanda’s not totally without a cuddly snuggle baby in her life. Here she is with her dog Finn in New York last week.

Pics: Wenn.com

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