Night Crumbs

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

While wearing a dress that made her chichis royale look like the Transformers logo, Duchess Kate worked her third event in one week tonight. THE QUEEN better give her overtime, because this is ridiculous and I’m sure it’s breaking some labor laws – Lainey Gossip

Sad Keanu Reeves is sad that the mean studios aren’t calling him – Celebitchy

Teresa Giudice is going to the Orange is the New Black prison after all and please, please, please put her in the same room as VeeReality Tea

Christian Bale just burned all the clothes in his closet and replaced them with black turtlenecks and dad jeans, because he’s getting ready to play Steve JobsTime

Um, I thought Lindsay Lohan was really into Brazilian politics now. This selfie would’ve been better if “Neves 4 Prez” was written on her tits in coke – Drunken Stepfather

I guess The Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer is to nerds what the hooker episode of Golden Girls playing on the Hallmark Channel is to me – The Superficial

Olivia Munn giving you Dollar Tree Black Swan – Hollywood Tuna

Nick Jonas’ nipples are out again – Towleroad

Jessica Lange did Lana Del Rey on American Horror Story: ACCENTS! and sadly she didn’t do “Fuck My Way To The Top”Jezebel

JLo’s ass comes out for We Day – Egotastic!

“Nananannanashutupshutupshutpnanannaa I’m not listening anannanaaaaaaa” – my mom after reading the Dr. Oz headline at the link – WWTDD

Lady CaCa wore period worm eyebrows on her face, because you know, it was Wednesday – ICYDK

Queen Aretha is too old and too seasoned for some stupid morning show shit – OMG Blog

More proof that Justin Timberlake probably rocked a baby into Jessica Biel’s body – Popsugar

And now, I’m blind – Popoholic

I’m still blind so I don’t know what this next link is about, but the sound of angry screams and pitchforks clinking against each other tells me it’s Kevin Hart in whiteface – SOW

The Bewitched TV reboot may just out-awful the Bewitched movie starring Nicole KidmanPajiba

FYI: Orlando Bloom isn’t licking Justin Bieber’s peen sweat off of Selena Gomez’s cooch – Just Jared

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The “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Sex Scenes Are Being Reshot Because They Suck

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I recently watched a gay porn where one dude was giving another dude a facial and the dude getting a facial acted like cold, old oatmeal was going to come out of that dick. His mouth said, “Oh yeah, give it to me,” in a monotone voice, but his facial expression said, “Can we get this over with, because Scandal is on tonight and I want to stop at Trader Joe’s to get some wine.” If UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) is telling the truth, then the Fifty Shades of Shit sex scenes are about as awkward and un-sexy as that gay porn scene I watched.

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were back in Vancouver last week for re-shoots (pictures below) and a source says they reshot a lot of the fuck scenes. The source says that in the original footage they shot, Dakota lies there like a week-old dead fish and the producers weren’t into it, because they’re making Fifty Shades of Grey, not The Kim Kardashian Story.

A source who works on the set told Us Magazine the original shots weren’t passionate and the directors were disappointed by the stars’ lack of chemistry. Another source accused Johnson of not playing her role “sexy enough”, and that her character should be “naive, not a dishrag.”

But a different source tells E! that producers are happy with the footage they have, but they just wanted more filler footage. Uh huh, I bet they wanted him to filler with his footage.

I thought that Anastasia Aluminum Foil chick was supposed to be a dish rag? I thought that if a fairy godmother appeared in your kitchen and turned that old dish rag under your sink into a human, it would look like, act like and be named Anastasia Steele. Isn’t she supposed to lie there like a snoring sloth as Christian Grey whips her with her tampon or whatever? If the producers want the movie’s sex scenes to be “passionate,” then methinks they hired the wrong actress. They should plop a mousey, dishwater brown wig onto the head of Dakota’s mother, Melanie Griffith, and get her to be her daughter’s sex scene double, because she knows how to do a sex scene. Better yet, they should flush all the footage they have into the toilet and reshoot the whole thing with Melanie and Don Johnson in the lead roles.

Pics: Splash

Don’t Ever Ask The Silver Fox To Take A Selfie At The Scene Of A Tragedy

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Anderson Cooper was in Ottawa last night to report on the horrificĀ shootings at the National War Memorial and Parliament. He was not there to have a kiki and take selfies. Vandon Gene (which is now the scientific name for the douche gene), an aspiring journalist type for the Sun News Network, didn’t get that memo, I guess.

Mediaite says that Vandon saw The Silver Fox and thought it would be a really good idea to pull some Selfies At Serious Places foolery by asking him to take a picture together near the spot where a soldier was killed. Anderson firmly and sternly told him that he was being highly inappropriate and it’s not the time or place for stupid shit like selfies. When Anderson Cooper spanks you verbally in the ears, you shut your mouth and make a vow to never wash out your ear holes again because they’ve been slapped by the voice of The Silver Fox. Vandon didn’t shut his mouth. Instead he uploaded the video of The Silver Fox telling him off and then tweet whined about it.

Vandon tweeted (and later deleted) a tantrum stream of whiny tweets where he said that Anderson is an ass for “exploiting” the Ottawa tragedy and can’t believe The Silver Fox would criticize someone for asking for a photo. The Silver Fox sharpened his nails and scratched back on Twitter:

silverfoxvandongene

Vandon tweeted out an apology, but it was too late. The damage was already done. Or was it, because he obviously got all the attention he wanted.

Not even I would be that tacky, gross and trashy. I’d wait until he was done, follow him to his SUV and before he got in, I’d politely ask him for a picture. After he firmly shook his head no, told me to stop being trash and let me know that the restraining order is still in place, I’d softly say, “You’re right. I’m sorry. But can you please yell at me one more time?” That’s how you’re supposed to handle it. Have some decorum, VG.

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Open Post: Hosted By LeAnn Rimes’s Halloween-Themed “One Christmas Tour” Announcement

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Happy Hallo-what-in-the-fuck did I just watch??? To promote her upcoming “One Christmas Tour” (looks like I know what we’re doing for the Dlisted Christmas party this year), LeAnn Rimes released a 3-minute long Halloween-themed video, and it’s truly a nightmare-inducing NeverEnding American Horror Story MESS! I guess it’s called the “One Christmas” tour because after watching this video, you’ll celebrate one last Christmas with your family before they commit you to a mental hospital after you slowly go insane from the recurring nightmares of LeAnn’s terrifying evil clown smile from the 1:47 mark.

Normally I’d advise anyone to watch almost anything stoned out of their mind, but NOT THIS! It’s too fucking weird. It begins with LeAnn greeting trick-or-treaters dressed like a crazy-in-the-face slutty Aerobicicse unicorn. Then three elves (who I assume were hired by Brandi Glanville) home invade LeAnn’s ass and chase her around the house while the possessed demon squirrel cousins of Alvin and the Chipmunks sing out the names of the locations where LeAnn’s tour will be stopping.

Then shit turns into The Ring meets Law & Order: SVU meets HOLD ME CLOSE, JESUS when a bunch of creepy images start flashing while LeAnn tries to fight off her toy-making attackers. Oh, but it was all a dream! Or was it?? Either way, I need to see my therapist.

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QOTD: Donnie Wahlberg’s “Beautiful” Penis Perfectly Fits Jenny McCarthy’s Vagina

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.

Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:

“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”

Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:

“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”

So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.

But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.

So You Think You Can Goop

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!

And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.

I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?

Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!

Kim Kartrashian Expects North West To “Work” Like She Did

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and decades later that silver spoon was replaced with Ray-J’s boomerang peen, which made her family of fame whores even richer and worldwide famous. But the human fart bubble of potent delusion tells the London Evening Standard’s ES Magazine that her parents didn’t hand her anything (except for keys to the luxury car they bought her, cell phones, credit cards with no limits and the contract with Lucifer that PMK made her sign) and she had to work for all the luxuries she has and she expects North West to do the same thing. “The hell do you call this, heffa? A hobby?” is what North West is thinking to herself as wardrobe stylists dress her in a suede onesie, Converse kitten heels and a zebra skin bolero to shoot scenes for Krapping Up the Kartrashians.

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St. Angie’s Hobo Husband Made An Appearance On “Between Two Ferns”

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt, a man that with every passing year starts to look more and more like the long-lost illegitimate son of the Zig-Zag man (Maury, get on that), made an appearance on Zach Galifianakis’ “Between Two Ferns” to promote that WW2 movie where he plays a dude with the same haircut as every hipster who owns a coffee shop in Silver Lake (aka Fury). Poor Brapi; I can only imagine how disappointed he was when he walked on set and realized the two ferns he’d be in between weren’t weed plants. And yet, why do I get the feeling he probably tried to smoke them anyway?

My favorite episodes of “Between Two Ferns” are the ones where Zach Galapagos Islands and his guest throw subtle shade before reading each other to FILTH (see: Zach vs. President Barack Obama). But that never really happens here, because Brapi appears to have just woken up from his 2pm stoner nap and is too tie-tie to make with the funny. Case in point:

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 12.20.27 PM

This is the face Brad made right after Zach brought out Louis CK. And now we know what St. Angie sees whenever she follows the trail of Funyun crumbs from the kitchen into the den and finds Brad staring at the light switch. “But where does the light go when I turn it off? It’s a mystery, man.

And while it was nice of Zach to gift Brad with a “bassoon”, he doesn’t actually have any use for it. Hanging around St. Angie and the chosen ones all day is enough to make anyone feel higher than an LSD-dipped ‘shroom sandwich. It’s true! I’ve actually heard that smelling St. Angie’s hair is a big problem for teenage angels at Heaven High.

Mama June Is Really Going For That “Mother Of The Century” Award, I See

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s runny vom vom up my froat, because TMZ says that Mama June has really taken the bad decisions cake, gobbled it whole, threw it up and then ate it again by dating a convicted child molester who just get out of prison. Yeah, Mama June put Sugar Bear on the curb for flirting with some chicks he met on a dating site and has allegedly moved on to a child touching monster. Well, if scientists were wondering if eating massive amounts of sketti sauce and cheese balls rots the part of your brain that operates your sense of reason, they got their answer.

Here I was thinking that Mama June and Sugar Bear’s break up was just a good old fashioned scripted stunt for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it turns out that America’s First Family of Class really has broken into a million pieces and slipped down into the gutter. A source tells TMZ that Mama June’s new piece is Mark McDaniel, a 53-year-old piece of trash who was convicted of aggravated child molestation for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He was sent to prison for 10 years. Mama June dated him when he molested the girl and the girl is one of her relatives. Yeah, so this is just a Big Gulp of GROSS.

The source says that Mark McDaniel got out of prison in March and it didn’t take long for him and Mama June to hook up again. While Honey Boo Boo was shooting, Mama June allegedly snuck out of the house to spend time with her sex offender boo. TMZ has a picture of them snuggling in a hotel bed together if you really want to spend a few minutes of your day cleaning barf off of your screen after two waves of puke shot out of your eye sockets.

TLC told TMZ that Honey Boo Boo isn’t in production right now and “we are very concerned about this new information and are reassessing the future of the series.” Translation: “After learning this information, we have renewed Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for 5 more seasons, because rating$$$$!

Mama June hasn’t farted up a statement about this yet, but a Dlisted reader sent me screen shots of her (or someone who has access to the Honey Boo Boo FB account) response (which she or someone else later deleted) in a thread on Facebook about this heave-inducing story. Mama June is allegedly screaming ‘SHOPPED and denies sleeping with the enemy:

mamajunedenies

Mama June has a history of humping on felons, so sadly this wouldn’t be that shocking if it was true. If it’s true, then Mama June doesn’t have to worry about the gnats nibbling the cheese on her Forklift Foot anymore, because even they will be so grossed out that they’d quit her for good. And TLC should probably change the name of the show to: RUN, HONEY BOO, RUUUUUN!

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