Sing with me now: “Hold me closer, lion daaaaaancer“.
One of the more WTF-worthy headlines I saw this morning was “Lion Eats Prince William’s Head”. Naturally, my mind immediately went to a place that involved a segment from an episode of When Animals Attack: Royals Edition featuring Prince William calling for the help of The Queen’s elite team of RescueCorgis while a lion gnawed at his head like it was a loaf of sourdough.
As it turns out, it was far less dramatic and way more adorable than what I had imagined. PW was visiting The Chime of Hope Shopping Centre in Ishinomaki, Japan and he was greeted by several lion dancers. I don’t know much about lion dancers, besides the fact that they sort of look like Grubby from Teddy Ruxpin had a baby with a festive tablecloth, but I’m guessing they were going to town on Will’s cranium because it’s good luck to attempt to swallow the head of a royal dude. “That’s not the only royal dude whose head I’d like to go to town on, if you know what I’m saying” followed by a picture of Prince Hot Ginge is the text I’m predicting I’ll receive in about 5 seconds from Michael K.
Here’s more of PW getting some kisses (???) from his lion dancer friends. It’s a good thing Baby Prince George didn’t come with him, otherwise those lion dancer heads probably would have ended up getting yanked off and his mounted on his tiny baby trophy wall.
And it begins! Mere minutes after Kelly Osbourne announced that she was saying Bye, Bitch to Fashion Police and thus retiring the phrase “You really needed to see it in person” forever, the decision-making hos at E! are starting to find their mailboxes stuffed full of resumes from desperates looking to fill her spot. Since Ryan Seacrest and his out-of-country business partner Satan practically run the E! network, the most obvious prediction for Kelly’s replacement would be Khloe Kardashian. Now UsWeekly is saying that Kelly’s replacement could be Khloe, but it could also be NeNe Leakes.
You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:
“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”
She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.
Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.
And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today:
When a supposedly SANS PHOTOSHOP picture of Cindy Crawford in her underwear and one of old Cruella de Vil’s old Friday night fuck dusters from a Marie Claire Mexico shoot hit the internet, most of us gave Cindy a slow clap for serving up some 48-year-old mother of two body-oddy-oddy and keeping it real in the waist and face area. However, if there was anyone not joining in on the slow clapping for Cindy Crawford’s SANS PHOTOSHOP pic, it was probably Cindy Crawford, because according to the photographer who took it, that pic is a LIE.
TMZ says that a lawyer for Cindy’s photographer is claiming that the picture of a real-looking Cindy Crawford is fake as hell and is threatening the people who released it with a lawsuit unless they take it down and issue and apology. According to the photographer who shot Cindy, that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is actually BEAUCOUP DE PHOTOSHOP; they claim some shady asshole type stole the pic and went hard on her tummy with the burn tool in Photoshop to make her look old and stretch mark-y on purpose.
Meanwhile, Cindy’s response has been a little more subtle; the day after the picture was released, Cindy’s husband (and the Gretchen Wieners to George Clooney’s Regina George) Rande Gerber posted a picture of Cindy in a bikini to Instagram showing what her stomach really looks like. Then again, it could also be Photoshopped to hell and back. WHO KNOWS? I’m sure the truth is out there, but Mulder and Scully have better things to do than solve the mystery of the Photoshopped former supermodel tummy.
If it’s true and that SANS PHOTOSHOP picture is, in fact, Photoshopped to hell and back, then I can’t help but wonder what kind of bitch would wanna do Cindy dirty like that. Can someone check Adobe’s records to see if they recently licensed a copy of Photoshop under the name “Naomi Campbell“?
The brick that wanted no part of this criminal ass fuckery!
Yes, this world is a jacked up place, but you know, every now and again, something happens exactly the way it should happen. Case in point: This Irish car thief tried to break into a car, but the brick wouldn’t let him be wrong. The Irish Independent says that this failed car thief is being called The Thick With The Brick, because when he tried to break a car window with a brick, the brick said “fuck no” to his antics and bounced back, hitting him in the head. And suddenly, I’m singing, “He’s a brick heeeeead,” to myself. Gerry Brady, the owner of a nearby pub, said that he and his girlfriend found the thief lying on the street with a busted face. They thought that maybe the poor dude got jumped and they tried to help him, but realized he was up to no good when he tried to grift their asses.
“He pulled himself up and said he wanted €50 for a taxi. I said ‘Not a chance, I’ve to pay for a new window mate’, that’s when he leaned in and told me he’d burn me out of the pub. I see you, I know you. I’ll burn you out. I’ll tell the gardas you beat me up. I’ll go to my solicitor.”
I’m not totally sure what, “I’ll burn you out. I’ll tell the gardas you beat me up,” means, but I do know that I need to use that line for serious at least once in my life. Gerry and his girlfriend quickly called the gardas. When the gardas picked the brick head up, he claimed that Gerry beat him up. But after the gardas watched the video from a surveillance camera, they not only found out the truth, but they also got the laugh of their lives.
“You should have heard the garda laughing when they saw the video. They were in stitches. Credit to them, they were straight out when we called and found the guy within minutes.”
And finally, here’s the full video of the dude trying to break the car window with smaller rocks before getting owned by that brick.
That brick is a national hero and I fully expect the gardas to give it a special award for its bravery and valor!
Javier Bardem (46)
Justin Bieber (21)
Daniella Monet (26)
Lupita Nyong’o (32)
Jensen Ackles (37)
Liya Kebede (37)
Esther Cañadas (38)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (41)
George Eads (48)
Booker T (50)
Maurice Benard (52)
Russell Wong (52)
Tim Daly (59)
Catherine Bach (61)
Ron Howard (61)
Alan Thicke (68)
Dirk Benedict (70)
Roger Daltrey (71)
Robert Conrad (80)
Harry Belafonte (88)
Birthday Sluts for February 29th:
Lena Gercke (27)
Mark Foster (31)
Ja Rule (39)
Antonio Sabato Jr. (43)
Anthony Robbins (55)
Gretchen Christopher (75)
Jack Lousma (79)
Alex Rocco (79)
Joss Ackland (87)
Tempest Storm (87)
Pic: L’Uomo Vogue
And here’s some fap material for all of you sucio freaks out there whose type is a dirty grifter who will bone you behind a Walmart and afterward wipe your genitals with his stained shirt before he smokes a USA Gold cigarette while pissing on the dumpster.
After getting coffee with his girlfriend Mia Goth in L.A. yesterday, Shia LaDouche served up some “Joe Dirt’s prison bitch second cousin” messiness for the paps. If Chloe Sevigny had a baby with the movie Gummo, it would look like Shia. If Shia and Mia showed up to an extras casting for a remake of Monster, the casting director would probably say, “Too much. Too much.” You know, Shia should really be a gentlemen and cut out a pair of eyebrows from his rattail for Mia.
And up until December, Shia had a shaved head, so either he has the ability to grow hair at lightning speed (if that’s the case, John Travolta would like to clone Shia’s scalp) or he’s wearing a rattail weave. I really can’t at him wearing a fake rattail. I don’t know whether to laugh my lungs up or bow at his commitment to Florida backwoods glamour.
Leonard Nimoy’s funeral is on Sunday and it will probably be a giant, sad Star Trek reunion, but one of the members of the U.S.S. Enterprise won’t be there. William Shatner tweeted today that he won’t be at his friend’s funeral tomorrow because he’s in Florida for a charity event and won’t be able to make it back to California in time. Well, the good news is that now George Takei and William Shatner won’t get into a tussle in the front row and knock over the casket. Here’s what Shatner tweeted:
I am currently in FL as I agreed to appear at the Red Cross Ball tonight. Leonard’s funeral is tomorrow. I can’t make it back in time. I feel really awful. Here I am doing charity work and one of my dearest friends is being buried. I feel really awful. Here I am doing charity work and one of my dearest friends is being buried.
Can’t Shatner call Priceline and ask them to get him a good price on a private jet?! Because he should really perform this (sans cigarette, of course) at Leonard Nimoy’s memorial:
A couple of days ago, Movie Plot wrote a piece about how there’s a rumor that Michelle Rodriguez will play the Green Lantern in the Justice League movie. So, while outside of a restaurant in L.A. last night, a TMZ cameradude asked Zac Efron’s former strap-on dom if it was true she’s going to play The Green Lantern. Michelle, who isn’t the one to turn down a job unless she really thinks Hollywood is going to keep shitting up those Fast and Furious movies forever (which those evil doers probably will), laughed at the rumor. Michelle thinks it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard of and the whole “diversity in Hollywood” thing just makes her go ugh. Michelle is sick of all you “minority” actors blatantly stealing white people’s superheroes. Get your own!
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I think it’s so stupid for like, because of this whole ‘minorities in Hollywood’ thing. It’s so stupid. Stop stealing all the white people’s superheroes. Make up your own. What’s up with that?”
1. I’m no comic book nerd, but even my not-knowing ass knows that several of the Green Lanterns aren’t white and one of the first is John Stewart (not THAT Jon Stewart) who is black. Also, Movie Plot said that Michelle might play one of the newest Green Lanterns, Jessica Cruz.
2. I’m sure Hollywood will start making those “original” superhero characters as soon as they finish remaking and rebooting every single goddamn movie at least four times. Hollywood will definitely get on that, because we all know they’re just constantly spitting out original stories.
3. They’re fucking fictional characters!
4. I can’t at her for basically saying that casting Jason Momoa as Aquaman is a stupid idea, because a wet Jason Momoa coming out of the ocean in a scaly loincloth is something that needs to happen to my eyes.
Here’s the video of Michelle Rodriguez spitting out her thoughts before getting into her car:
Um, that guy from TMZ shouldn’t have even asked her that question in the first place. What he should’ve asked is her, “Michelle, how many fingers am I holding up?”
UPDATE: Michelle threw up a video on Facebook where she clarified her words as her pussy cleaned itself next to her. What Michelle says she meant is that Hollywood needs to stop being lazy bitches and instead of turning a dude superhero character into a lady or making a white superhero black, they should create new characters. She thinks it’s time to stop trying to fit a different culture into what’s already there. She also burped up something about writing our own mythology. Michelle Rodriguez going on about mythology will make sense to you as soon as you see the vape pen lying on her chest.
And here’s Michelle giving you Chico’s Kind of Day messiness at the 3rd Annual Noble Awards yesterday.
Everyone jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars, and how he probably had his basement made up to look like the stage of the Dolby Theater so that when he’s feeling down he can pretend to accept an Academy Award while the 18-year-old models he’s going to fuck later sit naked in the audience. Leo is so hard up for Oscar that every now and again he makes one of his tricks-of-the-moment paint herself up like a gold Oscar statue before they get it on. And yes, he cries afterward when he realizes he might never ever have his own real-life Oscar statue. I figured that Leonardo would eventually stop fucking around and hire a screenwriter to write a 3-hour-long movie about an anorexic, paraplegic, blind man with Tourette’s who was an undercover agent against the Nazis during World War II. Leo didn’t do that, but instead he’s coming for that Oscar by playing ALL the roles in one movie.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Leonardo’s production company is producing a movie called The Crowded Room. The Crowded Room is the real-life story of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities who successfully used multiple personality disorder as a defense in a court of law. It’s like Sybil as re-written by John Grisham. Leonardo has apparently been trying to play Billy Milligan for 20 years. Leonardo will also produce and writers have already been hired. The movie is based on the book by Daniel Keyes.
Published in 1981, Keyes’ book chronicles Milligan’s story, including his court trial in the late 1970s in Ohio after being charged with robbery and raping three women on the Ohio State University campus.
In the preparation of his defense, Milligan — who died in December 2014 — was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Pleading insanity, he and his lawyers contended that two of his alternate personalities committed the crimes without his knowledge. He was the first to use this defense, and the first to be acquitted for this reason.
Milligan’s various personalities included Adalana, a lesbian taking responsibility for the rapes; Ragen, a Yugoslavian communist who admitted to the robbery; and Arthur, an uptight Englishman.
Leonardo is serious this time. He’s playing a woman, a communist AND Benedict Cumberbatch. When all else fails, play every possible Oscar bait-y role in the same movie. I’m sure Leonardo will be so good that the Academy will have no choice but to nominate him for Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress! He’ll win them all! Or, this will happen:
“And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…. Rob Schneider for The Hot Chick 2!”
That’s probably what’s going to happen.