Pop A Bottle Of Small-Batch Sarsaparilla, Blake Lively’s Second Baby Is Here

September 30, 2016 / Posted by:

And don’t forget to have the help pour that sarsaparilla into an antique hand-hammered silver julep cup that’s been chilling in the ice box for several hours. If you’re going to toast my new lil’ chicken dumplin’, do it right.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are now one baby closer to receiving their official Breeders Club membership card in the mail. Sources have confirmed to People and UsWeekly that Blake gave birth to the baby that has already gotten closer to more couture dresses than most of us ever will in our entire lifetimes.

Blake reportedly gave birth in New York sometime this week. Other than that, no more information about Second Baby Reynolds is known. Blake gave birth to her daughter James Reynolds back in 2014, and we didn’t end up getting a name confirmation until months later. So it will probably be a long-ish time before we find out what Blake and Ryan named this new baby or see the first “You fucked up” pictures of Ryan carrying the new baby in sling around his waist like a fanny pack.

We do know that Blake and Ryan’s new baby has already had two visitors. UsWeekly says that Blake’s older sister Robyn Lively has swung by the hospital. What a truly blessed day that must have been for Baby Reynolds since that’s the day they found out their aunt is Teen Witch.

Page Six says that Blake’s Basic Squad Cheer Captain Taylor Swift has also visited the new baby. I wonder if Taylor brought along an infant modeling coach to make sure that Blake’s new baby knows how to smile through the second-hand embarrassment. “We don’t want another Reynolds to ruin one of Auntie Tay Tay’s perfect Instagram pictures, do we? No we don’t! No we don’t!

Pic: Splash

St. Angie Jolie Reportedly Got Temporary Full Physical Custody Of The Child Army

September 30, 2016 / Posted by:

TMZ claims that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to a temporary custody agreement that will stay in place as they shank at each other in a lawyer’s office conference room while trying to work out a permanent agreement. The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services, who are still investigating Brad’s alleged drunken meltdown on a jet, handed over their recommendations and gave Angie and Brad two options: take it or Crisco up their mugs and battle it out in court. They took it.

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Justin Theroux Wants You To Stop Bullying Jennifer Aniston’s Uterus

September 30, 2016 / Posted by:

The picture you’re looking at was taken a few days ago while Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston went furniture shopping in NYC. I’m sure it took about six seconds before someone at UsWeekly or In Touch shouted “Furniture for what? A new baby? That must be why she’s covering her stomach with a jacket!” and got to working on laying out a JEN’S BABY JOY cover. Well, you know what? Justin Theroux wants people to cut the “womb watch” shit out.

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Donald Trump Wants Everyone To Check Out Alicia Machado’s “Sex Tape”

September 30, 2016 / Posted by:

I know, I’m really not right for not putting a “TRIGGER WARNING” above that close-up picture of Trump. Never forgive me that.

Early this morning, while many of us were in a deep sleep, dreaming about puppies, Alexander Skarsgard and Double-Doubles, Donald Trump was sitting straight up on the California King-sized tanning bed he sleeps in and orange grenade smoke shot out of his ears as he continued to rage over the Alicia Machado situation. Jabba the Trump grabbed his phone and used his roasted baby carrot fingers to furiously tweet more shit about Alicia Machado. Trump is staying bothered!

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Amber Rose Swatted At Julianne Hough For “Body-Shaming” Her On DWTS

September 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Dancing with the Stars judge Julianne Hough wasn’t feeling what Amber Rose was giving earlier this week. Some people may have be swooning when Amber stepped onto the dance floor looking like a third-rate Angelina Jolie impersonator in a Sequin City costume knock-off inspired by Kim Kardashian’s in the “M.I.L.F.$” video. But according to Amber, Julianne wasn’t one of them. Amber thinks Julianne “body-shamed” her, and she recently let everyone know about it.
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