I can hear the Xander Jones truthers now: “YOU MEAN ”A PARENT FOR THE SECOND TIME’, RIGHT? HE’S ALREADY SOMEBODY’S PARENT! YOU CAN’T DENY THE EVIDENCE!”
The Year of the Diaper Genie has once again bestowed upon us another poopy blessing, this time to the home of Kenyan marathon fuckers Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis. On Wednesday night, Olivia announced she’d evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her uterus (I literally just pictured a fetus in sweatpants eating Doritos and laughed for a solid 60 seconds, which tells me I should probably cool it on the morning booze) by tweeting a vaguely-artsy picture of her snuggin’ on her new baby son with the caption:
Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I’m the building)
First off, congratulations Olivia and Jason, mazel to you, babies are a gift, life is precious, etc. Now that that’s out of the way, Otis Sudeikis? Ain’t nobody got time for all those S sounds, especially somebody with a bit of a lisp like me. Every time I try to say “Otis Sudeikis”, I sound like a drunk Cindy Brady (although it’s not really Otis’s fault; I always sound like a drunk Cindy Brady). At least they were kind enough to throw Alexander in there to give my mouth a 4-syllable break from snake hissing. Thanks guys, I appreciate it.
Alright, now back to analyzing that black and white picture of baby Otis. “See that curve at the top of his ear? You’ll notice that Xander Jones shares an almost identical-looking ear curve. Coincidence? OF COURSE NOT!!!”
“The best shave a she-man Wookie can get, Gillette.”-Khloe Kardashian as new spokesperson for Gillette. – sarcasticlawyer
Katie misunderstood when they said she didn’t need to be a beard anymore. – Daisy100
Jesus shows himself all sorts of ways. Sometimes he shows himself on a non-organic banana bought at Stater Bros. and sometimes he shows himself through Brit Brit’s personal food of ye gods. Sometimes he shows himself when I’m skimming through the channel guide and I see that the Hallmark Channel is showing 8 hours of back-to-back Golden Girls episodes. Other times he shows himself when I search “Bait Bus trucker episode” and the whole episode shows up. The whole episode! And on Good Friday in Norco, CA, the owner and a server at the Cowgirl Cafe thinks Jesus, or some other bearded person, showed himself or herself on a half-burnt pancake. When Jesus was crucified, he didn’t bleed blood, he bled Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup.
Karen Hendrickson, the owner of the Cowgirl Cafe, tells KCAL9 that the night before Good Friday, she prayed to God to look over her restaurant and the next morning he threw her an “I got you, bitch” wink by showing up on a pancake during breakfast service. One of Karen’s servers, Edgar, also saw the face of Jesus and went on to say, “To me, it’s impressive because it was on Good Friday, and I don’t really see that very often.” Edgar saying that he doesn’t see that “very often” makes me think that he’s seen that before, which makes me think that Pancake Jesus isn’t that special. Hay-Soos is always showing himself on cooked Bisquick batter. But Karen still thinks Pancake Jesus is a delicious gift from God and is keeping him safe in the freezer.
“Some people can see Jesus. Some people are saying it looks like Abraham Lincoln or a hillbilly. Some people are even saying it looks like Charles Manson.
He’s still on the same plate he was when he was put up on the window. I plan on keeping Jesus on this plate and preserving him so I can share him with everybody.”
Karen should really rename her restaurant “The Jesus Or Charles Manson Cafe.”
I kind of see Charles Manson. But I mostly see Princess Bride Mandy Patinkin staring at a butterfly that landed on his finger. I also kind of see Frank Zappa smelling a fart.
If Judas shows his face on an Eggo waffle that’s been left in the toaster too long, we’ll know that Pancake Jesus is real. But if Squeaky Fromme shows her face in orange juice foam, well then….
Shirley MacLaine (80)
Katherine Webb (25)
Tyson Ritter (30)
Kelly Clarkson (32)
Austin Nichols (34)
Danny Gokey (34)
Eric Balfour (37)
Derek Luke (40)
Damon Lindelof (41)
Melinda Clarke (45)
Aidan Gillen (46)
Mark Vanderloo (46)
Patty Schemel (47)
Djimon Hounsou (50)
Cedric the Entertainer (50)
Captain Sensible (60)
Eric Bogosian (61)
Jean-Paul Gaultier (62)
Phil Robertson (68)
Barbra Streisand (72)
Sue Grafton (74)
Richard Donner (84)
Prepare to throw a RIP at the wig industry, because Nicki Minaj is done with wigs for now. Well, at least the wig industry still has RuPaul, Beyonce and John Travolta – Celebitchy
As Stacy Keibler sticks out her barely-there “Take that, Clooney” bump, George Clooney licks tequila off of his new piece’s chichis while totally forgetting that Stacy Keibler exists – Lainey Gossip
The fist up Elmo’s ass is off the hook – The Superficial
Reason # 456,984,986,999,101 for why Betty White is the greatest human who lives – Towleroad
If you need some slutty gardening done, then Sara Malakul is the ho for you – Hollywood Tuna
One of the Teen Mom tricks wants to birth out another 15 minutes – Reality Tea
Sarah Hyland shows us one way to get cast in a Woody Allen movie - Drunken Stepfather
A giant load of DUH falling on your eyes: Tori and Dean’s cheating scandal is about as fake as her dented and melted Tupperware bowl titties – Jezebel
Do I want to know what that DJ in the shark teeth t-shirt is doing to Duchess Kate with his eyes? – Popsugar
Sofia Vergara’s torso looks like your grandma’s dinner table with two hams on it – Popoholic
“THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER BECAUSE WE REALLY NEEDED ANOTHER FUCKING MARILYN MONROE BIOPIC,” said not one bitch ever – IDLYITW
If Jennifer Aniston really is going bald, she can give Nicki Minaj’s leftover weaves and wigs a good home – ICYDK
Hot pieces in cum goggles – The Berry
That Keegan Allen trick seems a little too old for James Franco’s tastes, but I guess a hand is a hand – SOW
And I’d rather watch a serious biopic about the life of the Cadbury Creme Egg – Pajiba
Eric Hill from The Bachelorette died in a paragliding accident – HuffPo
If you’ve ever said that Meg Ryan has a face for voiceovers, you should know that she listened to you – Just Jared
And here’s ASkars’ younger brother on HERO Magazine – OMG Blog
Australian rapper Iggy Azalea’s (born name: Amethyst Amelia Kelly) crowdsurfing days are pretty much over, because almost every time she throwns herself into the audience, some gross motherfucker has to finger rape her. While talking to NYC’s Hot 97 about her new album, the subject of crowdsurfing was bought up and Iggy said she’s done with that mess because sick fucks can’t stop assaulting her. Iggy says that girls are the worst offenders and she has to wear four layers of fabric to protect her chocha from wandering fingers. She should just wear a tiny bear trap on her crotch that closes every time a finger touches it. That’ll solve it. Iggy said this:
“I know I had to stop. It’s funny, because we were talking about how on my tour I’m only doing 2000 seaters, but I still have to have barriers even if it’s like 200 people. Because people try to finger me. But I will get lurk tweets for like a week before my show like, ‘I’m about to go to the Iggy Azalea show and I’m gonna finger her and…’ I’ll see it and be like, ‘Please don’t, that’s a violation. I actually don’t like that stuff.’ Like they think I’m really slutty like, ‘Oh she’s got a song called Pussy I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? I don’t want that. Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.
The crazy thing is girls will try to do it the most. Girls will try to do it more than guys. Girls think it’s cool like, ‘We’ve both got vaginas. It’s fine.’ It doesn’t make it okay. Now, no lie, I wear two pairs of underpants and then a pair of skin-colored tights and then my pants as a protection barrier.”
I’ve heard the whole “If you don’t want to get fingered, don’t crowdsurf!” argument, but shouldn’t Iggy be able to enjoy the joys of crowdsurfing (I’ll get back to on what those “joys” are because I can’t think of one) without worrying about someone giving her an unwanted pelvic exam? It’s not like they’re just touching her ass to hold her up. They’re going in. It would be different if before she jumped into the crowd she said, “Okay, whores, finger condoms on! I’m going to crowdsurf. Feel free to finger me, but you must buy me a top shelf drink afterward.” And I may or may not have said that while dancing on a box at a gay club in 2003.
Here’s Iggy Hot 97 interview and the crowdsurfing talk starts at the 0:40 mark.
When you’re only famous for ripping your famous mom’s body in two when the doctor pulled your Easter Island Statue head out of her and you’re about as talented as a pile of instant potato flakes, you have to do what you can to get attention and that includes flashing your potato eye at some event. At Elle’s 5th Annual Women in Music Concert Celebrate in Hollywood last night, Tater Head brought massive amounts of desperation (which strangely enough smells like burnt potato sprouts) and sophistication to the carpet when she showed up wearing an easy access skirt that a 90s pussy peddler on a budget would wear. That entire ensemble says, “$5 for a blow, $20 for a lay, $40 if you want me to fuck you in the butt with my hung chin.”
Tater Head thinks she’s got this, but she doesn’t. Since Demi Moore is her daughter’s age (on the inside), she’ll steal this skirt and wear it out. When she does, she’ll show Tater Head how it’s really meant to be worn. It’s not meant to be worn with the cutouts on the side. It’s meant to be worn with the cutouts in the front and without panties. Tater Head tried.
Raise a glass of whatever power lesbians are drinking noadways (Clamato and vodka?) to Jodie Foster who got married to her girlfriend of almost a year, photographer and actress Alexandra Hedison, over the weekend. I know I should keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine, but I can never keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine. Jodie had a 20 year-long relationship with her partner, righteous soul sister and co-mom to her two kids Cydney Bernard but that supposedly ended when she got caught with her mouth on the cookie jar of another woman named Cindy Mort. But now Jodie’s doing the holy matrimony coochie bump with Alexandra Hedison who dated Ellen DeGeneres for three years. Hollywood really is just one big swap party and since Alexandra went from Ellen to Jodie, Rosie O’Donnell is looking at that hot piece while licking her chops and thinking to herself, “All mine in two years.”
E! has all the thrilling details:
I can exclusively reveal that the Oscar winner and her photographer girlfriend of almost a year got married this past weekend.
A rep for Foster confirms the happy news.
As E! News first reported, the two started dating sometime last summer.
“It’s pretty serious,” a source told us in September. “They’re totally in love.”
Jodie and her new wife haven’t even been together for a year, but I don’t blame her for getting married so fast. I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on The L Word.
E! doesn’t have anymore details like what Jodie wore (a power suit, she wore a power suit) or who went to her wedding. But if her best friend forever Mel Gibson was there, I’m sure everybody got the warms in their hearts when he raised his glass and said, “Congrats to my favorite dyke!”
Between Katy Perry dressing up as a clown and Julia Louis-Dreyfus getting fucked by a clown in GQ, I’m going to need to schedule an appointment with my therapist ASAP, because I am all kinds of traumatized right now. Clowns are absolutely terrifying. There’s something about their fake, plastic-looking faces and pretend hair and fake noses and the ‘Look at me!’ attitude and the ill-fitting costumes and oh my god I’m describing Kim Kardashian, aren’t I? IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Dr. Whittmore, I think I’ve had a breakthrough!
But there is a reason why Julia Louis-Dreyfus is getting humped on by Krusty. It was part of a series of 4 shots for GQ that includes her macking on a clown at a clown party, going to downtown-clown-pound town (I’m guessing by the look on her face he wasn’t hung like a slide whistle) waking up the next morning wearing a pair of clown shoes and a look that says “Thanks for making a balloon animal out of my vagina“, then skipping ahead 9 clown-months into the future where she’s holding a tiny clown baby. Speaking of, did they give that clown baby Pennywise eyes on purpose?? Thanks GQ, you can pay for my dry cleaning, because that clown baby’s evil stare made me shit my pants.
Here’s more of Julia fucking on her clown friend in GQ. And if you’re also afraid of clowns, I dare you to look at these pictures while listening to creepy calliope music (but not before you put your therapist on speed dial, because there’s like a 90% chance you’ll need them immediately after to talk you down from the inevitable panic attack):
Last night, executives at Katy Perry’s label tore up her contract while screaming, “Well, what do we have then?!”, after she told Jimmy Kimmel that she’s sick of doing sexy videos where her tits are hanging out. Katy told late-night STUNT QUEEN Jimmy Kimmel that his “biggest twerk fail ever” stunt inspired her to prank real children’s birthday parties for the video for her new single “Birthday.” Katy went undercover as 5 of the worst birthday entertainers and one of them was a trashy, drunk, thug clown (no, not Justin Bieber) who ruined a kid’s birthday party. That sounds like a fitting and a totally sensical video concept for a song that’s basically about how Katy Perry’s going to let her birthday boyfriend titty fuck her before he eats cake frosting off of her twat. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big balloons
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons
Boy, when you’re with me
I’ll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate
Anyway, Katy played Kimmel a clip where she traumatizes the children by failing to hit the pinata before stumbling into the street where she “causes” a car accident. Katy’s whole act was staged, but TMZ says that none of the children or parents were in on it. TMZ posted a longer clip and they say that scars grew on those children’s innocence as they cried and asked to go home.
Since my heart is a pile of dried-up vulture shit, I smile whenever I see kids crying over clowns, but those kids are total drama queens. So a drunk in a jacked-up outfit took over the pinata stick and ruined the party? Big deal. That happened at all of my birthday parties growing up. It could’ve been a lot worse and Katy could’ve really given those chirrun a reason to cry. I mean, she could’ve performed that “Birthday” song live for them.