Birthday Sluts

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Ellen Barkin (60)
Chance The Rapper (21)
Lorraine Nicholson (24)
Gina Carano (32)
Fredrik Ljungberg (37)
Alek Wek (37)
Lukas Haas (38)
Kelli O’Hara (38)
Sean Maher (39)
Karl Yune (39)
Akon (41)
Mark Long (42)
Max Beesly (43)
Peter Billingsley (43)
Vickie Guerrero (46)
Jon Cryer (49)
Martin Lawrence (49)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (67)
Pope Eggs Benedict XVI (87)


Miley Cyrus Is Laid Up In The Hospital After Having A “Severe Allergic Reaction” To “Antibiotics”

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Humanized Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread sandwich Miley Cyrus was hospitalized (for drugs) in Kansas City (where she bought drugs) after she had a severe allergic reaction (to drugs) to some antibiotics (and by antibiotics I mean drugs) today. Miley’s show in Kansas City was canceled, so thousands of chirrun have the sads, because they didn’t get to see Miley crotch hump a giant hot dog and they didn’t get to drink up the yeast water that she squirts out of her mouth and onto their faces. Miley also canceled her show in Charlotte, NC over a week ago, because she had the flu (drugs). Miley tweeted a little sorry note along with a picture of her holding the weirdest butt plug I’ve ever seen (where can I get one?):


I guess “severe allergic reaction” is the new “exhaustion.”

When you eat a whole pot brownie and visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet dance around you and it feels like your skin is going to rip off of your body and crawl away, there’s no need to take your ass to the hospital. Just eat some nachos and enjoy the ride. (FYI: Seeing visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet and feeling like your skin is going to rip off of your body are also the symptoms you get when you watch a Miley performance.)

But you know, Miley wouldn’t need to take antibiotics if she scraped the toxic smegma off of her tongue and stopped eating the snatch crust on panties that her fans throw onstage. Putting a stranger’s panty crust in your mouth will put you in the hospital. And since she’s in there, shut the doors, lock ‘em and quarantine her ass!


The Human Ken Doll Would Like You To Know That He Doesn’t Have A Ken Doll No-Crotch

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

I know your eyes are swirling around like nuts in a food processor after gazing at The Human Ken Doll’s stuffed red pepper Speedo bulge, but try to focus for a second, because The Human Ken Doll would like you to know what’s going on down there. Stop what you’re doing (squinting to see if you can make out the outline of his Barbie Dream Peen) because this is important.

The angel of my fever dreams, Human Ken Doll (real name: Justin Jedlica) gave an interview to The Daily Beast where he assured everyone questioning the moral implications of fapping to a man who looks like a real-life Rio Pacheco that it’s okay, because even though his body is 90% factory-made plastic, he’s human where it counts:

“I would say more of my inspiration stems from ‘manga’ or anime. I find that much more appealing in all honestly than a Ken doll. It’s sort of that over-stylized, cartoonish version of human form [that I like]. I have all these haters on my page being like, ‘Does that mean you want to cut off your penis?’ And I’m like actually, I wish it was dragging on the ground like anime.”

Oooh, be careful what you wish for, Justin! As someone who’s read every book in the Goosebumps series and seen every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, I know that 99.9% of wishes come with dark-sided consequence. It may seem like a good idea to wish for a dick that you have to drag around in a bundle buggy, but it could end up being a curse (“Not possible” – all the true blue sluts).

And unless that’s nothing more than an obese starfish taking a nap in the crotch of his swimsuit, I’d say his dick is doing alright by him.

Pic: Instagram


Night Crumbs

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Lady CaCa’s video for G.U.Y. wasted 365 gallons of water while in the middle of a drought. Every ho in California who is slowly dying of dehydration is going to curse that thirsty, water-hogging asshole bitch Lady CaCa before we shrivel up and turn to dust – The Superficial

Charlize Theron isn’t engaged to Sean Penn. She’s not that dickmatized by his barbecued Slim Jim dick….yet - Lainey Gossip

Prince William likes to work just as much as we all do (read: not at all) – Celebitchy

Mischa Barton looks like one big giant SIGH, a big giant SIGH with a nipple and dehydrated hair - Drunken Stepfather

Karlie Kloss’ hair and style twin Taylor Swift has a look in her little eyes that says, “I may or may not go inside and skin Karlie alive and wear her like a coat…”Hollywood Tuna

Nene Leakes being a bitch to someone isn’t anything to clutch your pearls over, but I’m wondering why she didn’t dance to the Bear Necessities dressed as Baloo? – Reality Tea

Evangelical pastors are the biggest theatrical drama queens – Towleroad

Lady CaCa SANS Photoshop looks like a strung out Florida lot lizard who will fuck for a half-smoked Red – Jezebel

The dog has a better ass – Popoholic

You can almost see Oprah’s strength bar power up as she feeds on Pharrell’s tears of happiness – Pajiba

If you need something to wipe your Tax Day tears on, here’s some military man nipples – The Berry

Max Beesley’s peen + blood + two baby dolls = something a sick fuck is going to fap to  - (NSFW) OMG Blog

File under: a bitch battle you might care about if the year was 2007 – ICYDK

Pamela Anderson has reached the stage that most people who get barbed wire tattoos reach: regret – HuffPo

Professional air kiss blowers Candice Swanepoel and Adriana Lima blow air kisses at some Victoria’s Secret event – IDLYITW

And hopefully those Magic Mike bitches do it right this time by giving us raw hard peen and hopefully raw hard peen that belongs to Joe ManJelloJust Jared

We should all be so lucky to get a flight attendant like this – Popsugar

I haven’t mailed shit in decades, but these panty-creaming students would give me a reason to – Slate


Would You Hit It?

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like Betty White, Mickey Rourke’s leather tits and Grumpy Cat’s grumpy face, Paul Rudd just keeps getting finer and hotter with age. Paul Rudd is that friend’s geeky older brother who used to fart in his own hand and smell them and talk about video games all the time (if you replaced “video games” with “House Hunters,” I think I just described myself), and when you see him 10 years later, he’s suddenly hot and you just want to give him a hand job in the bathroom while catching up.

Here he is struttin’ his ass in Cabo last Friday. I’d hit Object of My Affection-era Paul Rudd, so of course I’d hit this Paul Rudd. It even looks like Paul Rudd has one of those fur patches above his ass, so you’d have something to grab onto when he’s hitting it from the front.

Pics: FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By Germany’s Most Precious Jewel Celebrating Easter The Way It Was Meant To Be Celebrated

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Behold, the true reason for why Jesus rose from his grave! Jesus rose again so that in 2014 years, the fame whore pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer could pose in the middle of Berlin with nothing but a mortified rabbit, Easter egg nipple covers and a stuffed bunny pasty from the Half Euro Store covering her freshly waxed flower.

My retinas curled and secreted out glitter nectar yesterday when I laid my eyes on the twin swans of perfection Harald Glööckler and Amanda Lepore and they’re curling again while staring at these gorgeous pictures of Micaela redefining the definition of “demure” by once again airing her ass out in public for some quick attention. It wouldn’t be a holiday unless Micaela Schäfer, who is looking very Angel Schunard-ey in the face, is out there on the German stroll reminding the people of Berlin that she waxes everything off her body including her dignity.

But really, Micaela is taking serious risks to beautify the city of Berlin with her stunning elegance. If one of those egg pasties fell off, that rabbit would mistake her nipple for a newborn carrot and bite it off. If a fiber from that stuffed bunny got up into her snatch, she’d be celebrating Yeaster instead of Easter. Micaela Schäfer is suffering for the people! Just like Jesus! (Yes, I’ll get a chancleta slap to the face from my Catholic abuelita for that.)


JWoww Hates How Pregnancy Is Effing Up Her Body

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Step off, JWoww’s fetus! If anyone is going to fuck up her clinically-cultivated body, it’s a strip-mall surgeon named Dr. Rad Plastixxx with $199.99 worth of injectable Silicone-Style® liquid vinyl and a rudimentary understanding of shapes.

The long-lost half-sister of SNL’s former porn stars was just starting to perfect her Fun House mirror reflection before she became knocked up, and now the most tragic thing has happened: JWoww’s growing fetus is fucking around with her finely-cultivated hotness. I know – the tragedy. JWoww told Us Weekly that she’s currently knocked up with a selfish seamonkey-looking hotness hater and, while you can’t really tell (because her eyebrows no longer move freely enough to indicate displeasure) she’s not happy about it:

“She loves being pregnant right now and I fucking hate it,” Farley told Us exclusively about herself and Snooki. “I’m not a fan of pregnancy right now with my thighs touching and my boobs changing, but I know it will be worth it and hopefully I get back to that really quickly.”

This is why someone needs to publish an updated edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting called What To Expect When You’re A Jennifer Coolidge Wax Figure. Then again, it might not be the growing fetus that’s fucking around with her body; it could be the result of all that discount silicone starting to rot and decompose after reaching its expiry date.

Here’s more of alagance and saphistication defined at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night wearing a dress that would be deemed “too cheap looking” by the costume department of Dancing with the Polish Stars:

Pics: Splash

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White Oprah Pleads Guilty To Drunk Driving And Speeding

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above beaming at the face while looking across the street and seeing a blinking OPEN sign on the bar that she’s going to have a celebratory “first DUI conviction” cocktail at, White Oprah was in court today to plead guilty to what her freckled human ATM has done a million times before: drive while the sweet nectar is flowing through her veins.

Last September, White Oprah finally contributed to her family’s DUI legacy by getting arrested for driving drunk and speeding on Long Island. White Oprah was in court today to answer to the charges and she shocked a nation when she didn’t take a cue from Lindsay Lohan by blaming it on the black kid and she didn’t say to the judge, “Listen, this is obviously just a big misunderstanding that I’m sure we can work out,” while making blow job motions. TMZ says that White Oprah pleaded guilty to DUI and speeding and since it was her inaugural DUI, the judge only gave her 100 hours of community service (“Uh, can this bitch’s community service be to leave our community and never come back?” – the community) and she’ll have to take a DUI class. Her license was revoked, that interlock shit will be put in her car and she’ll have to pay a bunch of fines, so say goodbye to one of your kidneys, little Cody Lohan, because mama’s going to need to sell it on the black market to pay the courts!

What’s really surprising is that the judge didn’t immediately dismiss the case, scream, “PLEASE DON’T HURT MY FAMILY,” and then scurry off to their chambers. Because when you stare into the beady, cloudy eyes of White Oprah’s evil gnome of a lawyer Mark Heller, you see the soul of a charbroiled leprechaun who will nibble on the tips of your fingers when you sleep and cackle outside of your window in the dead of night if you do him wrong. I guess the judge isn’t afraid of a shifty leprechaun gnome who spends his off-time in a toddler-sized tanning bed. Judges are so brave nowadays.

Pics: Splash


The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice And His Husband Are Back Together Again After Signing A Ridiculous Post-Nup (UPDATE)

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

After weeks of scratching, biting and spitting at each other in the media and using their dog as a fluffy, adorable shank to stab each other in the throat with, Johnny Weir and his husband of 3 years Victor Voronov have stopped throwing Faberge eggs at each other and are back together again. To quote The Crystal Enchantress’ hair stylist when he told them he wanted green My Little Pony tails for bangs: “This is not going to be pretty.”

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice made the sparkles on rhinestones dim and snow leopards cry out snowflakes when he announced last month that he and Victor broke up. During the days after their divorce announcement, they publicly delivered the gayest episode of Dynasty ever which is saying a lot since every episode of Dynasty is the gayest episode of Dynasty ever. They screamed, they cried and they brought the gay drama in thick, heavy doses. But they’re done with that for now and they’re back to rubbing nipples on top of Johnny’s grey mink comforter. Over the weekend, Johnny and Victor decided to give their marriage another try, which is a really good idea considering that Johnny once bit Victor and accused Victor of hitting him repeatedly. Johnny and Victor’s marriage was messy, their break up was messy and so of course their reconcilation is going to be messy. TMZ got a hold of (read: Victor gave it to them) a list of rules that they each had to sign. Victor made Johnny promise that he’d apologize for trashing his ass in the media and wants Johnny’s mom to keep her nose out of their marriage. Johnny made Victor sign his own list of rules and most of it has to do with peen passing. Scientology has less rules than Johnny and Victor’s relationship.

- No wet humping on others
- No sucking other dicks
- No kissing or making out or putting tongue on others
- No sexting others
- No jacking off with others
- No flirting hard with others
- No Grindr and no flirting on social media
- No talking with an ex unless the other one approves it first

They also promised to get tested for STDs every 6 months and the results have to be read when both of them are in the room.

If a jaded and bitter friend who doesn’t believe in long-lasting love asks you to show them a relationship that is built on trust and honesty, just show them this post, because Johnny and Victor are the epitome of trust. The hell kind of contract is that?! If you have to make your husband sign a contract stating that he’s not going to suck other dicks, there’s a good chance that when he sucks on another dick he’s not going to give a fuck about that contract while he’s doing it. Dreadful is the image of Johnny Weir dirtying up his Chanel leather pants when he gets on his knees to sniff Victor’s dick for cheating juices. How many Birkins need to be brutally murdered before Johnny realizes this shit is probably not a good idea? How many Birkins, Johnny? How many Birkins?

UPDATE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand these messes are broken up again. The Birkins are saved and they can suck the dicks of others once again.

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