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Like a lot of people, the fake Fisher-Price barroom playset for children showed up in my Facebook feed and I automatically realized it was a gag and I chuckled. I also thought “what a great idea for parents with a sense of humor and/or drinking problems. It’s one way to educate and get your toddler used to your alcoholism!”
Remember that simultaneously barf-worthy and terribly sad photo of Ryan Reynolds trapped with Taylor Swift’s “Snake Squad: 4th of July Edition” that Pippi Yawnstocking malevolently put up on Instagram back in July? The photo in which poor Ryan mirrored Ben Affleck when he’s asked about his bad reviews? I mean:
Has a man ever looked more like he wished an anvil would drop from the sky and kill him on his head? Nope. And it turns out that “dead in the face” WAS the look for which he was going! He told Entertainment Weekly (via HuffPo) that he just can’t help it, though. Instead of “resting bitchface,” he has “resting please get my annoying actress wife off me so I can go drown myself in the ocean to escape this asshole party face.”
“That’s a problem I’ve had all my life,” he told Entertainment Weekly. “If I’m not aware a photo is being taken, my natural resting face is one of a man dying. I had no idea somebody was taking a photo. Therefore I was resting comfortably in my persona of a man whose soul is visibly exiting this earth.”
It’s polite of Ryan to blame himself for his “last day on death row” visage and not lay the blame where it belongs – ON NILS SJOBERG! Ugh, imagine you’re a celebrity hoping for a nice quiet 4th at your wife’s friend’s seaside mansion? But when you show up, there’s a camera crew, sets, a stylist and other assorted photoshoot accoutrement because of your fame whoring host’s insane thirst for attention? You’d look like you were just about to form a noose out of Tom Hiddleston’s “I HEART TS” tank, too.
The trailer for Marvel’s upcoming Spider-Man: Homecoming just dropped this week and is so new that it’s still dripping with fanboy excitement drool. The film itself doesn’t come out until July 7, 2017. Nonetheless, the “M” in Marvel stands for “MONEY, ALL OF IT” and they just announced that the sequel is already scheduled.
Based on the success of the global trailer launch yesterday for Sony’s Spider-Man: Homecoming, the Culver City studio has announced that its sequel Spider-Man: Homecoming 2 will open on Friday, July 5, 2019.
Deadline also reports that the sequel’s release date has moved the release date for Bad Boys 4 up to Memorial Day weekend of the year 2019. Yes, there’s going to be a Bad Boys 3 and 4. Is Will Smith competing with Marvel in releasing as much needless product as possible to siphon all of the money out of the world?
The geek in me is wondering if this means the films are a two-part story. The cranky curmudgeon in me is wondering how many goddamn times do I need to see Peter Parker get his powers from that pesky radioactive bug? How many reboots of remakes can Hollywood put out until it’s completely put its metaphorical head up its own metaphorical ass? It’s already there, isn’t it?
And, wow, is the new Peter in fifth grade in this current movie? Kid looks young. I don’t know if I want a 10-year-old trying to prevent a ferry disaster. They’re easily distracted and prone to crying. The 10-year-olds I know are also way too busy guilting their parents into making a deal with Satan to acquire Hatchimals for them. Who has time to be super-heroing?
Pic: Sony Pictures
Emmy Rossum, who plays Fiona Gallagher on Showtime’s tv show Shameless, wants to get paid as much as her co-star William H. Macy. Until that happens, we’re not getting an eighth season of trashy family adventure. Until the Showtime execs drop some coin in her piggy bank, the show will be as frozen as the cold Chicago winter (er, that’s where the show takes place)!
Well, of course he will. What better way to uphold the office of POTUS with dignity and respect than appear on season 15 of your own reality show? Former governor of California and secret family keeper Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new “you’re fired!” character on The Celebrity Apprentice.
People reports that, during a press conference to promote the new season, Arnold answered questions about the recent revelation that our President-elect Donald Trump will still be listed as “executive producer” of the show in the credits. This, of course, has everyone wondering if this is a conflict of interest like some of his other business ventures. Ahnuld (a reputed fellow “pussy-grabber” to Trump in his own right) thinks Trump might even appear as a “guest advisor.”