Night Crumbs

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Donnie Wahlberg now knows why Jenny McCarthy was in the bathroom with her laptop for a long time last time. She was just rubbing her anti-vaxxer clit to Jim Carrey’s tweets about vaccines – The Superficial 

Something I really didn’t need to see today: Mimi’s billionaire Shrek boyfriend getting a face full of her unicorn chest balls – Lainey Gossip

Speaking of that billionaire Shrek, his one-time piece Miranda Kerr is getting her a new billionaire. She’s one rich dick closer to taking Elizabeth Hurley’s title as the world’s foremost billionaire banger – Celebitchy

NeNe Leakes is doing a game show with Betty White. And yes that is a sentence I typed for real – Reality Tea 

Behold, a real fucking lady named Nicole ScherzingerDrunken Stepfather

Bella Thorne sticks her butt out for the cameras at the Thirst Gala. The jokes, they write themselves – IDLYITW

The deep fried Big Mac looks like something a doctor might see during Mama June’s colonoscopy – Egotastic

Beyonce turned herself into a one-trick pride parade – Towleroad

Amber Heard wore some kind of Little House on the Prairie-inspired negligee dress to a Magic Mike XXL premiere – Popoholic

How to annoy your girlfriend AND get that YouTube money at the same time – Hollywood Tuna 

Paul Thomas Anderson is writing a Pinocchio movie starring Robert Downey Jr. I like it when movie executives make decisions about who should star in and write their movies while completely high on the wrong kind of crack – Pajiba

However, I don’t like it when TV executives make decisions about which classic movie from the 80s they should remake into a TV show while completely high on the wrong kind of crack. Case in point: The Fatal Attraction TV show is going to happen – Jezebel

Panty Creamer of the Day: Hot bean curd seller in Taiwan – The Berry 

Panty Creamer of the Day, Part II: A bearded Jai Courtney in a t-shirt – Just Jared

Justin Bieber got impaled by a dick in a video and should you make the Usher joke or do you want me to? – OMG Blog

Rachel McAdams and Taylor Kitsch are a thing – HuffPo

I think my whole body puckered while watching Channing Tatum vogue – Boy Culture 

Presenting Bennifer 2.0 break-up theory #465 – ICYDK

Well, this gives me hope for our future and that was typed with zero sarcasm – Popsugar

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Here’s Miley Cyrus And Her New Girlfriend Making Out And Getting Into Some Finger Banging Fun

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess Miley Cyrus really is bumping her pink pussy bush against the crotch of Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. The genderqueer who lets her cooze go wherever the wind may take it was on a break from filming her new music video in L.A. when a pap caught her and Stella hugging onto each other. About 6 seconds into the video from TMZ, Miley and Stella both notice the pap taking pictures of them and they step up the girl-on-girl show by making out. (Side note: Stella probably got a good meal out of that thick layer of gunk on Miley’s tongue.) Because Miley has always epitomized demureness, she sticks her hand down Stella’s pants and takes her fingers to Pussy Bang Town. You know that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone sees Michael Douglas staring at her and her girlfriend dancing so she really gives him something to see by kissing on her piece? This video kind of reminds me of a chipmunk version of that.

I’m actually surprised that Miley didn’t pull out an inflatable carrot-shaped dildo and strap it on before boning Stella as a guy in a giant dick costume sprayed them both with glitter. But you know, Miley and Stella are kind of brand new, so I’m sure she’s saving that for at least their third date for the paps. Deep down Miley is old-fashioned when it comes to public displays of affection for attention.

And it’s definitely true love. I’m talking about Miley and the camera of course. I mean, bitch looks at the camera more than her damn girlfriend.

Pic: Instagram

Open Post: Hosted By Chrissy Teigen’s Rebel Chichis

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Chrissy Teigen joined Miley Cyrus, Chelsea Hander and that Willis daughter whose name I can’t remember right now (Don’t make me Google!) in the FREE THE NIPPLE movement the other day when Instagram proved they are still lady nipple haters by taking down a picture she posted from W Magazine of her exposed tit knob. Chrissy tweeted that her nipple had been silenced, but that it would rise again and fight those nipple-shushing bitches at Instagram. Chrissy’s nipple hasn’t made another appearance on the front lines of Instagram yet, but yesterday she winked at those hos by posting a picture where a strategically placed hairspray bottle covered her nip.

HAIR @jrugg8

A photo posted by @chrissyteigen on

Fight the good fight, Chrissy! Chrissy Teigen is truly the Enjolras of the lady nipples on Instagram battle. And now that I’ve made a Les Miserables reference in a post about nipples, I’m totally singing “Do you hear the nipple sing” to myself.

And here’s Chrissy giving you electrocuted Cowardly Lion glamour while doing stuff.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

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Iggy Azalea Thinks “The Media” Is Trying To Start Shit Between Her And Britney Spears

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

When I think about the reasons why Britney Spears might be crossing the name “Iggy Azalea” off her Christmas card list, most of them have to do with Iggy Azalea starting shit with her on Twitter over their song “Pretty Girls” a few days ago. However, according to Iggy Azalea, it has nothing to do with the fact that her fingers typed the words “I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend” and everything to do with shit-starting troublemakers in the media.

Shortly after Brit Brit responded to Iggy’s asshole-sucking comment by pulling out her best umbrella and covering her in shade, Iggy hopped on Twitter to hiss at everyone trying to make things awkward between them.

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Josh Duggar’s Non-Family Victim Is Going To Sue Him

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

InTouch Weekly is still doing God’s work by continuing with their mission to expose the Duggars, and in this week’s issue they claim that the only molestation victim who isn’t related to Josh Duggar is planning to hit him with a lawsuit. If TLC doesn’t cancel 19 Kids and Counting, expect them to change the name of the show to 18 Kids and Counting, because Jim Bob Duggar is going to sell one of his daughters to pay his beloved son’s settlement fee.

Josh Duggar child touched 5 girls, that we know of, when he was a teenager and 4 of his victims were his sisters. The other victim was a babysitter. Jessa and Jill Duggar came out as two of Josh’s victims during their interview with Fox News. Jessa and Jill said during the interview that all of Josh’s victims have forgiven him including the babysitter. Well, someone is committing the unholy sin of lie-telling, because InTouch claims that Josh’s non-related victim hasn’t forgiven him and is planning to sue him.

InTouch says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar may be forced to give depositions and they’ll have to answer every single question they’re asked. They can’t try to get out of answering questions by playing the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination, because the criminal statue-of-limitations expired already. Lawyer types tell InTouch that even though Josh can’t ever be charged for the sick shit he did, his victim can still sue him:

Legal experts tell In Touch the victim still has the right to sue under Arkansas Code Annotated Section 16-56-130, which allows for a civil action when a sexual abuse victim start to experience the effects of the abuse years later.

Oh how I hope this doesn’t settle and oh how I hope that Jim Bob and Michelle’s testimonies are televised live. Make this happen for us, Jesus! Because I really want to see Michelle cross her fingers before she swears not to lie while putting her other hand on the Bible. Actually, Michelle will be one step ahead of them. She’ll bring her own Bible to swear on. You know, the Duggar version of the Bible that says “Thou shalt not lie unless one of your son’s molestation victims is suing him and you don’t want to lose all your money.”

Sherri Shepherd Will Pay $4,100 A Month In Child Support For Lamar Sally’s Surrogate Baby

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

And now for an impression of my greedy handout-seeking ex-husband.

Sherri Shepherd is now officially divorced from her questionably-employed gold digger husband of almost three years Lamar Sally. Unfortunately, she’ll still be reminded of him every month for the next 18 years. TMZ says that Sherri and Lamar have settled their custody battle over the surrogate baby Sherri tried to walk away from. Sherri has agreed to pay $4,100 a month in child support for Lamar Sally Jr. until he turns 13, at which point Sherri has to start forking over $4,600 a month. In total, Sherri is looking at saying sayonara to about $920,000. That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally Sr. yelling “Ka-ching!” while pretending to pull the handle on an invisible slot machine.

But Lamar may not want to celebrate just yet. TMZ says there’s a legal loophole Sherri will try to shimmy her way through in order to avoid paying him. Remember when Sherri claimed Lamar was a “fraud” who only wanted that surrogate baby for the child support cash? She can pursue that fraud claim, and if a judge decides that Lamar was being a fraud, she won’t owe him a damn dollar.

Of course, because we’re talking about Sherri Shepherd and Lamar Sally, the drama doesn’t end there. Sherri and Lamar put some embryos in storage when they were still together, and Lamar might try to get them unfrozen. Technically, Sherri wouldn’t have to pay child support for those babies. “Technically? I’m always up for a challenge” thought Lamar Sally, before he called up Nick Loeb and asked to borrow some signs.

Jabba The Trump Got Dumped By Macy’s

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:

“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”

Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.

donaldtrumpinstagrammoron

Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.

The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!

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Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Kare About Being Objectified

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:

1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).

2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.

On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!

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Ben Affleck’s Constant Gambling And Boozing Broke His Marriage

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.

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