Leave It To Charli XCX To Give You Ten Tons Of Drunk 90s Bride At The amfAR Gala

Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.

And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”

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I Don’t Think That Fur Stole Is Part Of The Party Down Dress Code…

I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?

But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.

Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Here’s Some “Say Yes To The Dress” Red Carpet Sophistication, Courtesy Of Marion Cotillard

Because my cable provider is a busted bitch who can’t get their act together and make a channel that airs nothing but Mad Men episodes re-cut to feature Don Draper topless in every scene, I spend a lot of time watching Say Yes to the Dress. I can basically predict the outcome of every dress based on hairstyle and nail choice of the bride. 10lbs of curled polyester hair? That bitch is getting a Pnina. Thick acrylic blow job nail tips? It’s going to have cut-outs around the waist and lace appliqué over the nipples (aka “something simple and elegant“).

Marion Cotillard, on the other hand, is working some dark short nails and slicked back no-fucks-given hair, which means that if she were on Say Yes to the Dress, she’s going to hate every dress that goddess Camille will pull for her before making a joke about wanting something that will look good with with her Converse sneakers. Then her grumpy mother-in-law Janet will shake her head and hiss “Marion, please, you only get one day to look like a princess.” And the fancy Dior dress Marion wore to the Critic’s Choice Awards last night is EXACTLY what she’d end up saying yes to if she was someone on SYTTD; it’s got a bodice she can wear a sports bra with and a skirt full enough that she can sit with her legs open.

Here’s more of Marion Cotillard at the Critic’s Choice Awards last night looking like a chick who is so fucking DONE trying on dresses at Kleinfelds, as well as Reese Witherspoon (who was serving up some last-minute bridesmaid at a David’s Bridal outlet realness), Jessica Chastain doing some kind of weird hair thing I would have thought was so classy when I was 12, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Here’s A Knocked-Up Keira Knightley Serving Up Some Low-Budget Rose Petal Place Realness

All that’s missing is a tiny parasol and a hat made out of a giant flower. And bigger hair (those Rose Petal Place gals had some on-point beauty pageant hair). When I think of Golden Globes fashion, I think of champagne-scented body shimmer sophistication and still tacky eyelash glue glamour, as seen on living makeup brush Jennifer Lopez. What I don’t think of is Sears Summer Nightgown Fly Fishing Lure Couture, as seen on a newly knocked up Keira Knightley.

Not that she looks bad; she actually looks a lot like a very pretty porcelain doll I had when I was 6 whose glass eyes kept falling out, and even without eyes that doll was elegant as hell. But she’s not bringing enough devastating shimmer and shine to the red carpet. If there’s any time to wrap your baby gut in sequins, it’s at the Oscar’s drunk cousin.

Keira’s dress also reminds me of an embroidered dress I had when I was little that I called my “senorita dress”. It had elastic around the neck so you pull it down around your shoulders if you felt a little sassy. But since I was like 8 or something, I had to wear it around my neck, demure-style, like Keira. Maybe Keira figured that random butterfly on her right hand was sassy enough.

Here’s more Keira looking like a Barbie in a home-made dress, as well as a bunch of other famous types in questionable couture from last night, including Kristen Wiig who was feeling sassy enough, Rosamund Pike who was about two seconds from having everything fall out, and some chick named Tiziana Rocca who looks like Dina Lohan after a Long Island Ice Tea bender and may be my new life inspiration:

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Splash

Chrissy Teigen Was Feeling All The Feelings Last Night

Sometime around hour 4 of the 18-hour broadcast of the Golden Globe awards (for real, time crawls when you’re food-stoned on an entire casserole dish of mac and cheese), John Legend and Common won the award for Best Original Song for “Glory” from the film Selma, and we got to see what John’s wife Chrissy Teigen looks like when her face is filled with all sorts of serious emotions. Chrissy is a professional model type, so you’d assume she would have perfected the art of crying through your smize, but either she forgot or she just had too many feelings happening, because her face muscles said fuck it and busted out some next-level cry face.

I know that Chrissy is beyond happy, but her face is giving me shades of getting diarreha at the mall. She’s also making the same face I make every time I realize I’ve run out of tampons and consider pulling a MacGyver with some cotton balls and a steam-wrinkled Consumer Reports magazine. Chrissy Teigen’s face is a combination of everything: regret, defeat, hopelessness, whatever the word is for the 0.03 seconds before you lose your shit and start screaming. If there was ever an emoji for waiting in line at Target on a Saturday, it would be Chrissy Teigen’s face.

And thanks to the miracle of the internet, Chrissy Teigen knows that Chrissy Teigen’s face looked busted last night:

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What In The Last-Minute Crafternoon Scrap Bin Hell???

Once again, Anne Hathaway is causing my brain to hurt the special kind of hurt that comes from trying to figure out what the fuck she’s wearing. I should have seen this coming; fashion disasters always come in threes. First it was that next-level tragic DIY-looking star chain glove thing. Then it was that grandmother of the robo-bride dress. Now it’s…I’m not actually sure what this is. A busted two-faced tuna net fungus cover? Sure, that works!

Anne rolled up to the New York City premiere of Interstellar last night looking like she took a spray adhesive shower and rolled around in the LAST CHANCE box thrown into the dumpster behind a Jo-Ann fabrics, but MK tells me she’s actually wearing a very fancy dress by Rodarte. Regardless of whether her dress looks like it cost $1,200 or $12 (that one), here is every thought circling the toilet drain that is my brain while looking at Anne Hathaway’s dress:

1. Anne Hathaway looks like an exquisite corpse drawn by two fishermen, then it came to life The Fly-style

2. Anne Hathaway looks like two casual scarves from Chico’s got into a fight, then fell in love, then started fucking

3. Anne Hathaway looks like Fantine from Les Mis, if Les Mis took place in a post-apocalyptic wasteland run by a gang of fugitive throw pillows

And even though Anne looks like the definition of fug, I can still appreciate that she was brave enough to dress like a damn mess. I will always slow-clap for those who have the courage to say “Fuck it, I’m going to dress like I’ve been snorting bath salts and watching cable access TV all day!”

Here’s more of Jo-Anne Hathaway last night, as well as Jessica Chastain (who always looks like a come-to-life Midge doll) and the Texas T-Rex:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com