The Moment We Thought Would Never Happen Has Happened

August 16, 2016 / Posted by:

No, the Centers for Disease Control didn’t finally put on Hazmat suits and drag Johnny Depp into a tent to finally give him an ammonia and bleach shower and power scrub off the bracelets that have been embedded into his skin under a thick layer of crusted dirt. That isn’t the moment I’m talking about. I’m talking about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard finally settling settled their divorce. IT. IS. OVER. Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are probably stretching their arms and warming up their vocal cords for screaming, because now that Johnny and Amber are done fighting, someone has to provide the legal messiness.

The domestic abuse trial between Johnny and Amber was supposed to start tomorrow, but both sides have reportedly been trying to keep that from happening by working out a settlement agreement.

Just days after proof of Johnny’s crazy, violent drunken ways came out, they have closed the divorce case and the domestic violence petition. TMZ says that Amber will get $7 million and attorneys fees. Amber’s lawyers have also filed papers to trash her request to make her restraining order against Johnny permanent. Amber has dismissed the case that Johnny beat her on May 21, and she did it “without prejudice” so she can’t re-file it in the future.

Amber supposedly wanted Johnny to admit he abused her in a statement and he refused to. But it looks like they both agreed to a perfectly crafted statement where Amber makes it clear that she didn’t tell lies, and she also tried to kill the “NO-GOOD GOLD DIGGING HUSSY” accusations by saying that she’s giving “proceeds” from her divorce settlement to a charity that was not named. They gave this joint statement to the media:

“Our relationship was intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love. Neither party has made false accusations for financial gains. There was never an intent of physical or emotional harm. Amber wishes the best for Johnny in the future. Amber will be donating financial proceeds from the divorce to a charity.”

Johnny is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, but with that being said, it feels like his lawyers and her lawyers were filing court papers every other day. So once he’s done paying all the lawyers, he’ll probably be as broke as his sense of hygiene and will be seen curse-mumbling out a cashier at Marshall’s after they tell him that the scarves he’s trying to buy aren’t included the clearance sale.


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