MTV was really taking a risk by having everyone walk into the VMAs on a white carpet instead of a red one. It was an award show shot in HD, which means it wasn’t a shock to see some people strolling in with their faces covered in a 1/4 inch thick layer of foundation, concealer, powder, the shadow from 6 Morphe eye palettes, 18oz of lipstick, and an entire bottle of setting spray. There’s no way MTV would have gotten their damage deposit back if someone like Kim Kardashian were to trip and land face-first on that carpet. If Kim left a makeup imprint of her face on that carpet, you know the first thing she would have done was had it sent to her mom’s house with a note that said: “Possible $$$ opportunity. Call the rug from Aladdin and set up a camera.”
Thankfully MTV didn’t have to worry about any of that when Alicia Keys hit the white carpet, because her face was au naturel….kind of.
The latest issue of Glamour features Mila Kunis saying “bye, bitch” to, as the English call it, slap. For us Americans, that’s makeup. I personally don’t wear makeup, but it’s six billion degrees with 500% humidity today in New York, so I’m going to point every woman I see wearing makeup to the newsstand because there’s no reason to suffer through this heat with a full face.
The sans fards selling point is a bit of a wash in the issue itself. Mila is done up for the cover and inside spread, but she’s working an Alicia Keys-approved #nomakeup look on the back cover. There’s also an “undone-beauty guide” in the magazine. Which is kind of like your parents promising you Six Flags and then taking you to Rye Playland, aka LIES. But they do let Mila push her “I’m normal and chill” schtick.
During a recent Lenny Letter essay titled Time to Uncover, Alicia Keys wrote about how she was taking a break from makeup because she didn’t “want to cover up anymore.” Alicia is clearly very serious about the whole #nomakeup thing, because last night she sashayed onto the red carpet of the BET Awards in a face covered in nothing.
Alicia is one of the very lucky few who can do #nomakeup and still look like a human person. Her skin/eyes/mouth/eyebrows all look like what they’re supposed to. When I do no makeup, I look like something from a remake of Eraserhead by Harmony Korine. My mouth looks like a Biggest Loser before-and after of an awkward pink slug. My eyes like two puffy slits with creepy little see-through lashes. The two patchy hairlike skidmarks above my eyes that can barely be classified as eyebrows (my eyebrows truly bring shame to the Dlisted family). So, good for you for going without makeup, Alicia. And if she really wants to make it a permanent thing, I would volunteer to take any and all makeup she decides to get rid of. I very clearly need it.
Alicia also carried the low-maintenance theme into her ensemble as well.
Singer, sometimes actress, sometimes symbol of elegance and full-time body image talker Demi Lovato did a photo shoot for Vanity Fair earlier this week to promote her album Confident and when photographer Patrick Ecclesine showed up, she let him know that she had three rules:
1. Do not talk about that shady bitch Kathy Griffin!
2. Do not talk about that shady bitch Kathy Griffin!
3. Do not talk about that shady bitch Kathy Griffin!
No, Demi didn’t want to wear any clothes on her body, she didn’t want any makeup on her face and she said the words that’d make a Kartrashian scream in terror: No Photoshop! Demi’s great-granddaddy died the day before the shoot, so she had a major case of the sads, but told Patrick that life’s too short and her album is about “confidence” (in case you couldn’t tell by the title of it). So she took off them panties, slicked back that hair, popped that ass out and got natural. When someone I love dies, the last thing I’d want to do is pose ass crack naked in front of a camera, but we all grieve differently.
Demi says in a video interview about the shoot that she didn’t think she’d ever be in a place where she’d be comfortable with posing in the raw:
“In the past, I suffered from eating disorders and I basically went from hating every single inch of my body to working on myself and trying to figure out ways to love myself, love the skin that I’m in. I learned, after working very hard on my spirituality and my soul and my body, that you can get to a place where you love the skin you’re in. And I’m excited to share that with the world.”
I know what people mean when they say to “love the skin you’re in,” but whenever they say it, I picture Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs smiling a creepy smile while wearing the suit he made with the skins of his victims. Aaaand on that note, here’s Demi serving up an A++ eyebrow game and un-Photoshopped nalgas in Vanity Fair.
Since Jennifer Aniston was brave enough to go both SANS FARDS and SANS HAIR EXTENSIONS for her new movie Cake, many industry types are already whispering that she’ll probably get nominated for an Oscar. Because as you all know, the surest way to get nominated for an Academy Award is to give a performance that has at least one of the 3 Ts: titties, tears, or tired-looking eyes (aka no makeup). So People decided to corner Jenny at NYC screening of Cake last night and ask her what she thinks about everyone talking about the possibility of Jennifer Aniston becoming Academy Award-nominated Jennifer Aniston:
As for the early awards season whispers? Aniston is surprised, saying (with a laugh) she’s “flattered” and that she reacts to the buzz “awkwardly and stutteringly.”
Rachel Green, PLEASE! Jenny knew she was going to get nominated for an Oscar the second they applied that first janky Party City scar! Not to mention that that wig looks like she told her assistant: “No Denise, this hair is still too nice – I’m going for an Oscar nomination, not a Golden Globe. Bring me something that looks like a greasy Yorkie.”
If I was Jennifer Aniston (“You wish, hag” shouted the bottles of Living Proof shampoo in my shower) I’d just start responding to Oscar buzz questions by going “DUH – I better get nominated for an Oscar! Did you see my face? I looked like Madam Mim!” And anyone who does flawless Madam Mim drag should get all the Oscars in my book.
Here’s potential future Oscar-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston at the Cake screening last night looking like Hogwarts’ sexiest substitute teacher, as well as her hot hipster dracula piece Justin Theroux:
What a completely natural portrait that was probably taken by Mario Testino and was created with the help of 3 assistants, 4 lighting designers, 2 hair stylists, 3 make-up artists who specialize in creating the SAN FARDS look, 2 publicists, a body language coach and a nanny waving a Twinkie. Goopy also “oil pulled” for 2 hours straight so her teeth could look whiter than her dancing.
While looking like a luck dragon letting out a fart, Goopy Paltrow held onto her son Moses in a picture she threw up on Instagram today next to the words, “Moses Bruce Paltrow Martin turns 8 today. We Love you!” You can almost hear Goopy say through her teeth, “Stop squirming, just one more picture and I’ll let you sniff that Twinkie. Your mother needs some good publicity and people need to see my wedding ring even though your father already pawned his off and used the money to buy a Steak ‘n Shake franchise.”