Unbeknownst to me, Nicole Richie not only has a sideline rap career, but she’s also got an entirely separate musical persona (like Garth Brooks and Chris Gaines, only…better?). I guess the name “Nicole Richie” has a lot of prestige behind it and she didn’t want to tarnish her reputation in case audiences failed to connect with her new musical venture. If you’re interested in hearing what Nicole Richie has to say about the environment, set to thumping trap beats, keep on, keep on.
And the Oscar goes to…Paris Hilton! Defrocked celebutante high priestess and expert lasagna maker Paris Hilton is all about simple outfits and library books and helping the needy but we never knew this because she’s been playing the character of a spoiled, entitled, vapid party tramp heiress for almost 40 years. It was just a big acting job! At least that’s what she’s claiming in the upcoming documentary This Is Paris, according to Deadline. Meryl Streep just hung up all of her accents because Paris is obviously the GOAT when it comes to acting.
Paris Hilton has a new catchphrase, and a new man to go with it. Paris isn’t merely living like you other sad hos, she’s “Sliving.” (That’s slaying+living, dummies!) It’s a “movement” and a “lifestyle” and for Paris, includes dating a Portfolio Brother which is kind of like a Property Brother only instead of flipping house together, they both leave their jobs as Goldman Sachs investment bankers to become “entrepreneurs.” According to People, Paris and and her new boyfriend, Carter Reum, made their official debut as a couple at the Golden Globes (after-parties) where Paris was presumably being honored with a Slifetime Achievement award.
You know, sometimes I’ll go entire weeks not remembering that Paris Hilton still exists in this world. And then someone will say something’s hot, or even worse, I’ll say something’s hot, and I’ll hear or say it in Paris’ patented nasally monotone voice, and I’ll hate myself for it. It’s a sticky wicket because lots of things are hot. Food is hot, sometimes in two different ways! The weather, a stove, and Tom Hardy literally doing anything, are all good occasions for an exclamation of elevated temperature. But what’s never hot is saying “that’s hot” about a child. But that’s just what Paris Hilton herself did when commenting on a picture that 15-year-old Millie Bobby Brown posted on Instagram. Now, no one’s checking for Paris these days, so it took Evan Rachel Wood responding to her comment to provide us with our bi-monthly reminder of Paris’ continued existence.
Entertainment Weekly says that we do not have to suffer through a reboot of The Simple Life, this time starring Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Obviously someone saw their recent swatting at each other and decided that since The Hills had resurrected for at least another season, maybe they would try it with other scripted messiness from the early-aughts. Enter: Paris Hilton. But don’t worry, she can’t do it because she’s too busy running an “empire.”
Lindsay Lohan is living in Dubai because she’s a fascinating woman who steals children from refugees and skydives like a boss… or something. All of her interviews recently have made her seem like she’s some worldly entrepreneuse and not a teen actress whose career ended almost a decade ago and now hustles to maintain the wealthy lifestyle she’s become accustomed to. Anyway, she was on Australia’s KIIS1065 with hosts Kyle and Jackie O and she briefly got into the only thing she really gets press for these days: her arch-nemesis Paris Hilton.