Category: Bono

Open Post: Hosted By Amber Heard Looking Not Glamorous At The Glamour Awards

November 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.

Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.

Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!

And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.


Bono Jokes That Amy Schumer Is The Key To Destroying ISIS

April 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Bono testified in the Senate on Capitol Hill on Tuesday (and yes, I’ll pause as your mind barfs up ten question marks over that) about the new no-tax-on-sunglasses bill he’s trying to push through. No, he didn’t talk about that, but I’m surprised he didn’t bring that up. Bono was there as the co-founder of the anti-poverty ONE campaign to ask for more aid to the Middle East, because he believes that less poverty will lead to less terrorism. Bono also mouth burped up one of his suggestions to erasing terrorism from the planet. Bono believes we should fight ISIS with the funnies and suggested that we send in a troupe of comedy warriors.

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Bono Has Made More Money Off Facebook Than He Ever Made From U2

August 31, 2015 / Posted by:

As if you couldn’t have already guessed, Bono – seen above on the fancy-ass boat he uses to get to and from his fancy-ass yacht in St. Tropez – is rich as fuck. Technically, we already knew that, since U2 has been touring forever and tickets to a U2 concerts usually cost $900 and your choice of limb (and limbs go for big money on the black market). But it turns out the money Bono has been making from hollering out “Sunday Bloody Sunday” is peanuts compared to the checks he’s been receiving from Mark Zuckerberg.

According to the Mirror UK (via Page Six), Bono bought a 2.3 percent share in Facebook back in 2009 for almost $76 million. As anyone who has every listened to Suze Orman talk about money knows, money grows. And in the six years since Bono made Facebook his bottom bitch, his $76 million share is now worth $1 billion. That frantic splashing sound you just heard was Lindsay Lohan doing the get money bitch backstroke from her current yacht in St. Tropez to Bono’s.

The Mirror says that Bono now holds the title of Richest Pop Star IN THE WORLD, beating out Paul McCartney, who is worth $818 million, and Madonna, who is worth a pathetic $582 million.

I quit Facebook years ago because I kept getting too many messages from spammers asking if I wanted to make some easy money sitting on my ass. Looks like they were (sort of) right. You can make money from Facebook, and you can do it sitting on your ass. Just ask Bono! Or better yet, just wait for the inevitable round of mass spam emails that start with: “Hi do u like money? <–My name is Bono and I make $66,750 a day off Facebook ask me how NOW!

Pic: Splash

Sunday Bloody Sunday: Bono Laid Up In The Hospital After Getting In A Bicycle Accident

November 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Last Wednesday, Bono CHEATED DEATH!!! when the rear hatch door of the private plane he was riding it ripped off during a flight from Dublin to Berlin. The hatch door probably fell on a poor soul who seconds beforehand finally managed to delete U2’s new album from their iPad. Nobody on the planet was injured and Bono, of course, lived. Well, the Grim Reaper must be a Neil Young fan, because in NYC yesterday, he blew an air kiss at Bono. Page Six says that while cycling in Central Park, he got into some kind of crash and now he’s lying in a hospital bed. Bono needs surgery on his arm to fix it. U2 was supposed to play on The Tonight Show all week long, but they announced on their website that they’ve canceled all of their shows after death came for Bono for the second time in 5 days.

It looks like we will have to do our Tonight Show residency another time – we’re one man down. Bono has injured his arm in a cycling spill in Central Park and requires some surgery to repair it. We’re sure he’ll make a full recovery soon, so we’ll be back! Much thanks to Jimmy Fallon and everyone at the show for their understanding.

The makers of tinted and colored lenses are going to get together and build Bono a protective colored lens bubble for him to live in, because he might be in a Final Destination situation and nothing can happen to their #1 customer.

But really, who keeps trying to take Bono out (besides everyone who heard the last U2 album)? Let’s see… Bono is Apple’s main bitch and he was supposed to play The Tonight Show every night for a week. Hmm… hmmm… Someone should check the footage from a surveillance camera near the place where Bono had his bike locked. They’d probably see Bill Gates, Conan O’Brien and Chris Martin dropping the wrenches and cans of grease they had in their hands to high five each other while tip-toeing away from the scene.

And here’s Bono outside of the London studio where a star-studded (see: not star-studded at all) group of singers recorded Band Aid 30 Do They Know It’s Christmas? (aka the song that will kill Ebola once and for all).



Bono’s Diddy Burn Was The Best

January 13, 2014 / Posted by:

You know your level of bullshit is in a league of it’s own when you can easily be crowned the most annoying motherfucker in a room whose occupants include Jonah Hill and Bono.

P. Diddy must have been painfully aware that the expiration date stamped on his ass cheek is from years ago because he spent his time on stage at the Golden Globes milking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth. I like to think I have a high patience level (I’ve been trying to write this while my five year old lists every dinosaur he knows and he started just making shit up thirty names ago) but I had some serious rage last night watching Diddy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, move to the side or let Usher Kate Beckinsale be the prettiest princess. She may have looked like she used Pam cooking spray as moisturizer, but I’d rather look at a shiny Kate any day of the week (and maybe let some lesbian daydreams sneak in there) than spend any amount of time looking at Diddy’s DUH face.

I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you fuck socket!!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments of the night happened. When Diddy went to hug Bono (and maybe throw a smooch down on his face or some shit; it was hard to tell because the whole thing was a clusterfuck), Bono straight up swerved his ass.

All those rumors of Diddy’s breath smelling like a mix of matted hobo pubes and Kristen Stewart’s unwashed gash might have something to them. The only thing Bono has ducked faster than Diddy’s advances is paying taxes!

(Pic: Wenn)

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