Todd Chrisley Denies That A Plastic Surgeon’s Scalpel Or Filters Are Responsible For His New Fetus Face
On the left is a still shot from a video that 51-year-old Todd Chrisley, the patriarch mess of the reality show Chrisley Knows Best, posted on Instagram back in March. And on the right is a picture that Todd Chrisley posted on Instagram a few days ago and yes it’s allegedly a current picture of him. It’s not some #ThrowbackThursday shit. It looks like Todd Chrisley used a mixture of the Benjamin Button filter and a very essential trip to the plastic surgeon’s office to transform him into a 15-year-old boy circa 1989 who reeks of Cool Water and Irish Spring and only wears Body Glove. But Todd Chrisley would like you to know that his “grow man using the baby Snapchat filter to catfish and catch pedos” look is not the work of a facelift or fillers or anything. Todd Chrisley’s new embryo face is thanks to God’s saliva known as Botox and God himself! “Errr, even I don’t have the powers to transport a face back 35 years,” said God.
In this current era of Stay Home or Die it becomes very easy to get bored quickly. And if you need proof think of the thousands of people who took to beaches this past holiday weekend in an attempt to cure their quarantine blues. They call it a vacation, I call it Russian Roulette with Jesus. And Tiffany Haddish 100% gets that logic because she has decided that home is where the beauty salon is, much to the concern of her many fans. However, Tiffany wasted no time addressing questions regarding her mental health.
When I first read the headline that Vera Wang was sharing her age-defying beauty secrets, I rolled my eyes so hard, my retinas detached. Like, come on. Vera’s a rich celebrity. I’m sure she just nips and tucks and uses $15,000 anti-aging cream made from the blood of virgin dolphins (a famously smooth animal).
Then I read her age, which is… drumroll, please… 70. SEV-EN-TY. And she’ll be 71 next month! Which means she was born in 1949. The frickin’ WWII decade!
Miranda Kerr almost didn’t date her husband, Snapchat founder bazillionaire Evan Spiegel, because after taking one look at him, she thought he looked more like Evan Sméagol with his horrid face. Miranda just admitted that she was temporarily un-blinded by the dollar signs shooting out of her eyes (uh huh) when she first met Evan, and she almost passed him over because she couldn’t get down with his Alligator Man skin. That all changed when Miranda decided to do a 90s movie make-over montage to the tune of “Supermodel” on him with (of course) her own line of KORA Organics skin products (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG).
Us homely-faced poors needs to stop feeling bad about not being stunning in the mug and having to put items back at the Target cash wrap area because our card got declined. There’s someone out there who has it much, much worse. Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones has had to go through life apologizing for taking breaths away with her beauty and causing temporarily blindness with the sparkle rays shooting off of her rich lady diamonds. But the days of having to be faux humble about her stunning looks and overflowing bank account are behind her. CZJ is keeping Stephanie Yellowhair’s legacy alive by saying, “Excuse my beauty…. and diamonds!”
My dog is almost 16 years old (that’s “Larry King” in dog years) and so he’s either reached the age where he can’t hold his piss anymore or he’s reached the age where he doesn’t give a shit enough to hold his piss. So whenever he’s inside, he’s gotta wear a diaper (he’s my current fashion icon, honestly). Yesterday was the first time in a long time when he didn’t piss in his pooch Pamper. He must’ve been feeling extra fresh and gorgeous, which explains why it looked like he was thinking to himself, “That raggedy homely thing ain’t got shit on me,” when he looked up at the screen as I watched the crowning of the winner of the 142nd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night.