Mary J. Blige, Keanu Reeves, Zendaya, Joe Rogan And Kris Jenner All Made The Time 100 List Of The World’s Most Influential People
Last year Prince Harry and Meghan Markle graced the cover of Time Magazine’s annual list of the 100 most influential people in the world and since then, have done jack shit in the way of influence. They were featured in the Icons section, but those tricks can’t even launch an Instagram page let alone a revolution. So Time gave them the year off to get their shit together and Mary J. Blige has taken their place as the face of the Time 100’s Icons section. Mary shares the honor with Issa Rae, Keanu Reeves, Jon Batiste, and Adele plus a couple of people who actually worked for the accolade. And because you can’t even get the “Uh” out of Adele without James Corden popping up out of nowhere like a singing telegram sent by the devil himself, James wrote Adele’s intro and used it as an excuse to brag about her “singing in the kitchen, or belting at the top of her voice solely to make [his] children laugh.” It’s like, we get it, James, she’s your bestie. But if she’s so influential, then explain what happened to your career?
The Academy of Country Music Awards aired last night on CBS and Paramount+ and since it’s a country music awards show you know they brought a varying degree of outfits. Since Coronvirus award shows are old bag at this point, there was much less focus on masks this time around. Which led to an absolute cluster fuck of fashion choices. But it also tells me that nature is healing! Miranda Lambert went mask-free. COVID-19’s days are numbered!
Last night, Doja Cat stood in front of the iconic Grammy red carpet backdrop wearing a vomit-colored feather duster for a skirt and her titties hanging out of a motorcycle jacket unzipped to below her navel. The earth is healing. Yes, high fashion fuckery was once again afoot after a year of no-risk, half-assed, low stakes virtual awards ceremonies. This year’s Grammy Awards may have been an essentially meaningless ode to a troublesome industry, but short of receiving a COVID-19 vaccine, seeing a cum-stiffened sheet ghost rearing up to engulf Noah Cyrus from behind, was the only light at the end of the tunnel I needed to see.
It might feel like it was just yesterday that the country music community jacked each other off with an awards show, and that’s because it practically was. The CMT Music Awards happened just a month ago, but the earth’s core will collapse if we don’t get regular sightings of Carrie Underwood slathered in sequins at a country music awards show. Other awards shows, including last month’s CMTs, went virtual, audience-less, and held performances in different places, but that didn’t happen at last night’s CMA Awards. They threw a hillbilly wink at coronavirus by holding that shit indoors, in one place, and with an audience. And before the show even began, several performers had to pull out like a bareback hillbilly who can’t afford another child support check and it was all because of COVID-19.
Tonight is the Golden Globes and Miranda Lambert, while not nominated for Best Song or anything, IS posting clips of her former NYPD cop husband Brendan McLoughlin with his tits out in the kitchen. I’d much rather watch that than the GGs, thank you. That smug Ricky Gervais mugging for the camera after mocking transgender people or hot ex-cop, country star’s kept guy nipples? You don’t need a decision engine for this one.
Dolly Parton is, as always, pure perfection. Her love for all things shiny and tight, makes me miss the CMA red carpets of old. But of course, nostalgia is a big theme in country music, and the red carpet of this year’s CMA Awards is making me nostalgic as hell for a time before Hollywood muscled its way into Nashville and diluted its rugged charm with the likes of Gigi Hadid. WHY WAS SHE THERE?!