Dolly Parton is, as always, pure perfection. Her love for all things shiny and tight, makes me miss the CMA red carpets of old. But of course, nostalgia is a big theme in country music, and the red carpet of this year’s CMA Awards is making me nostalgic as hell for a time before Hollywood muscled its way into Nashville and diluted its rugged charm with the likes of Gigi Hadid. WHY WAS SHE THERE?!
People are going to accuse Brendan McLoughlin of letting himself become a lazy, pampered trophy husband to country superstar wife Miranda Lambert because he’s taken leave from his job at the NYPD. Pampered? No sir! He does laundry. And has to maintain those abs so Miranda’s aggressive vagine doesn’t get restless. That’s work! Plus, it’s way less dangerous than being a cop unless he somehow mixes the bleach wrong and creates chlorine gas and asphyxiates himself.
At least if you believe Radar Online and Star magazine. Then again, this is the marriage that began after Miranda Lambert hit the three-month mark with an NYPD officer/one-time part-time model and father to a brand-new baby, and thought, “Yeah, let’s make this legal.” So Radar and Star didn’t have to reach too far to grab this one. According to sources, Miranda and her husband of almost five months, Brendan McLoughlin, aren’t exactly leading that sweet newlywed life.
There was plenty of opportunity for some good old fashioned country music drama last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards (the ACMs, which are not to be confused with the CMAs, the other white meat of country music awards shows), but there was nary a whiff of grain alcohol-soaked card cheatin’, man stealin’, hair pullin’, cussin’ and a’fightin’, and hootin’-n-’hollerin’ at the event. The only scandal worth tellin’ a mule happened on the red carpet when Miranda Lambert, the savior of country drama, showed up looking like the cat who chicken fried the canary and ate it with a side of grits . She brought her new husband Brendan McLoughlin with her.
People Magazine’s least sexy Sexist Man Alive, Blake Shelton, offered his ex-wife Miranda Lambert some subtle front porch country shade (with a side of extra tart lemonade) when asked about her recent marriage to the “love of her life”, 28-year old NYPD cop Brendan McLoughlin. Brendan and Miranda have only been married for less than a month which, frankly, is longer than a lot of people probably expected. They’ve only known each other 3 months and he has an infant child with a woman his ex-fiance’s mom claims he cheated with. According to People, Blake’s been reduced to speaking only in country music cliches, a source claims “he put Miranda in his rear view mirror long ago”, presumably followed by something about dirt roads, Chevy trucks, and his dog riding shotgun (Gwen has to ride in the back).
I miss the good old days when country music was your go-to stop for trashy high drama! For a while now, that role has been filled with a plethora of Lil’ rappers/Kardashians/RuPaul’s Drag Race edits. But I’m happy to report that Miranda Lambert and her new husband Brendan McLoughlin are single-handedly bringing the venerated traditions of homewrecking and public brawling back to Nashville where it belongs. As we know, when she’s not instigating steak house food fights, Miranda’s sneaking around and getting secretly married to a dude she just met who happens to have a baby the exact same age as their relationship (which is 3 months).
Come to find out, Brendan was engaged to a woman named Jackie Bruno at the time of that baby’s conception. And we know this because Jackie’s mom, Carol Bruno, talked to Radar and told them all about it in an exclusive interview. Carol says Brendan was doing the two-timing-two-step on her daughter while she was overseas. And Jackie only found out about his cheating heart when the the baby’s mom called her up and broke the news. I am 100 percent sure there’s a Reba McEntire song about this exact situation.