There was plenty of opportunity for some good old fashioned country music drama last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards (the ACMs, which are not to be confused with the CMAs, the other white meat of country music awards shows), but there was nary a whiff of grain alcohol-soaked card cheatin’, man stealin’, hair pullin’, cussin’ and a’fightin’, and hootin’-n-’hollerin’ at the event. The only scandal worth tellin’ a mule happened on the red carpet when Miranda Lambert, the savior of country drama, showed up looking like the cat who chicken fried the canary and ate it with a side of grits . She brought her new husband Brendan McLoughlin with her.
People Magazine’s least sexy Sexist Man Alive, Blake Shelton, offered his ex-wife Miranda Lambert some subtle front porch country shade (with a side of extra tart lemonade) when asked about her recent marriage to the “love of her life”, 28-year old NYPD cop Brendan McLoughlin. Brendan and Miranda have only been married for less than a month which, frankly, is longer than a lot of people probably expected. They’ve only known each other 3 months and he has an infant child with a woman his ex-fiance’s mom claims he cheated with. According to People, Blake’s been reduced to speaking only in country music cliches, a source claims “he put Miranda in his rear view mirror long ago”, presumably followed by something about dirt roads, Chevy trucks, and his dog riding shotgun (Gwen has to ride in the back).
I miss the good old days when country music was your go-to stop for trashy high drama! For a while now, that role has been filled with a plethora of Lil’ rappers/Kardashians/RuPaul’s Drag Race edits. But I’m happy to report that Miranda Lambert and her new husband Brendan McLoughlin are single-handedly bringing the venerated traditions of homewrecking and public brawling back to Nashville where it belongs. As we know, when she’s not instigating steak house food fights, Miranda’s sneaking around and getting secretly married to a dude she just met who happens to have a baby the exact same age as their relationship (which is 3 months).
Come to find out, Brendan was engaged to a woman named Jackie Bruno at the time of that baby’s conception. And we know this because Jackie’s mom, Carol Bruno, talked to Radar and told them all about it in an exclusive interview. Carol says Brendan was doing the two-timing-two-step on her daughter while she was overseas. And Jackie only found out about his cheating heart when the the baby’s mom called her up and broke the news. I am 100 percent sure there’s a Reba McEntire song about this exact situation.
I’m starting to think that Miranda Lambert‘s New Year’s resolutions read like a list of random acts like:
1) Beat a bitch with some lettuce.
2) Marry someone you barely know.
3) Call the divorce lawyer on St. Patrick’s Day after bar hopping.
If this is what her list looks like then she’s truly living her best life for sticking to her resolutions. However, many were confused when she popped up with the news that she married a dude named Brendan McLoughlin over the weekend, and wondered where did he come from. It all started on November 2 when Miranda, along with her Pistol Annies band mates Ashley Monroe and Angaleena Presley performed in New York during Good Morning America in Times Square. While they were busy singing for their supper onstage, Brendan, an NYPD officer, was in the crowd trying to keep fans away from the stage. That’s probably a good idea since Miranda tends to like altercations with people screaming in her face, even though these would have been people cheering her on rather than inviting her to another fight.
Well I’ll be a corn shucker’s silver dollar pancake! Last week boot scootin’ salad tosser Miranda Lambert went and surprised us all (not really) by throwing some lettuce on a stranger in a steak restaurant. Not that Miranda needs an excuse to toss a salad in public whenever she feels like it, but now we know the real reason why she did it! Miranda was just releasing some pre-wedding jitters. That’s right, Miranda has gone and surprised us all again (not really) by getting secret married to her new boyfriend of a few minutes.
Yesterday you heard about how Miranda Lambert, country star and homewrecker extraordinaire, got into it at a steakhouse in Nashville and ended up tossing a salad all up on another woman. Well now there’s some video evidence because you can’t get into it at a restaurant and not have someone film it. Seriously, there are YouTube compilations about this kind of thing.