45-year-old Ryan Seacrest and 28-year-old “wellness influencer and chef” Shayna Taylor have broken up for the third time. He must have really liked Shanya as a girlfriend to renew her contract three times like that. But there might not be a fourth, as he’s already moved on to another blonde piece and the two are vacationing in Mexico. Aren’t you glad you’re a rich person who can avoid a pandemic and still enjoy your summer vacation? What’s that? 99% of us cannot do that? Oh well then fuck Ryan Seacrest and his new girlfriend! “Girlfriend?!” exclaimed a still-confused Britney Spears.
One of the more annoying memories of the early 2000s has to be the time when American Idol cursed us with Ryan Seacrest––and almost 20 years later, he’s still around, peddling that faux charm across every media platform in existence––even during quarantine. And when Ryan seemed like he was having some kind of medical emergency on live TV during the American Idol finale, his rep blamed good old exhaustion and now we’re hearing that ABC is worried that their hardest-working cyborg is overworked.
On May 5th, Kelly Ripa celebrated Cinco de Mayo by posting a very on-brand picture (aka being horny for her husband Mark Consuelos), and writing: “Call me crazy but I like Cinco de Mayo 2018 way better.” Kelly and Mark spent their 2018 Cinco in the Bahamas. Kelly’s caption might qualify as the understatement of the whole COVID-19 pandemic, because I’m pretty sure if you gave someone the choice between being in the Bahamas, or stuck inside eating quarantine rations, baking their 80th loaf of banana bread, and repairing the elastic on their face masks, they’re going to pick the Bahamas.
But it turns out Kelly was actually able to live her 2018 Cinco fantasy this year. Because People magazine is reporting that Kelly, Mark, and their kids have been quarantining in the Caribbean after getting “stuck” there during their spring break vacation.
Kelly Ripa Got Teary While Admitting That She’s Not Talking To Two Of Her Kids, Even Though They’re Self-Isolating Together
Quarantine has hit Kelly Ripa hard. Many talk show hosts are recording from home including the hour of morning torture known as Live with Yappy and Smuggy (aka Live with Kelly and Ryan). Kelly is isolating with her husband, Mark Consuelos, and their three children. Their children are brave for doing that, because you can only walk in on Kelly and Mark doing it so many times before your eyeballs decide to divorce you. But the kids are there, and things are going so well that she’s not talking to two of them! “Lucky!” said the other kid.
Do you smell that? No, seriously, you guys. Do you smell it? It’s a clip from the next episode of American Idol, where there’s a dramatique gas leak! But what you’re smelling isn’t gas, it’s the Oscar, Emmy, and Tony that Katy Perry deserves for giving the performance of the decade with her dramatic fall that’s making every past Oscar winner hand over their award to her like, “I’m not worthy of this.‘
But yes, American Idol’s still a thing, and the eighteenth season premiered last Sunday, with returning judges Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie, and forever-host Ryan Seacrest. In a preview clip for this week’s episode, Katy complains about smelling gas, and no it wasn’t from Ryan cutting one.
If you love hate-watching Live with Kelly and Ryan, then People has good news for you. You can soon hate-watch the “characters” of Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest, because they’ve joined forces on another TV show.
Ryan became Kelly’s co-host in 2017 after Michael Strahan quit her for bigger and greener (as in more money) pastures at Good Morning America. While Kelly and Michael aren’t exactly brunching on Sundays, Kelly and Ryan want you to know that they totally love each other, and not only did he help her quit drinking, but they just can’t get enough of working with one another and so they’re teaming up for a TV pilot. Congratulations, America! We’re going to get more of Kelly and Ryan.