Category: Sheryl Crow
Hollywood Reared Its Ugly Head On The CMA Awards Red Carpet
Dolly Parton is, as always, pure perfection. Her love for all things shiny and tight, makes me miss the CMA red carpets of old. But of course, nostalgia is a big theme in country music, and the red carpet of this year’s CMA Awards is making me nostalgic as hell for a time before Hollywood muscled its way into Nashville and diluted its rugged charm with the likes of Gigi Hadid. WHY WAS SHE THERE?!
“I Quit This Bitch!”: People Magazine Disgruntled Reporter Edition
This particular People cover doesn’t have anything to do with this post. I just want to know Kimmy Gibbler’s secrets now.
Following in the legendary footsteps of Arnetta the Moodsetta and the safety slide-utilizing Jet Blue flight attendant, People magazine reporter Sara Hammel quit her gig by spilling the tea on the magazine (and a couple of celebrities) in an e-mail blast on Monday.
Hammel’s resignation snatched at the wigs belonging to George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez and an unnamed Hollywood A-Lister who was such a perv to her that she wanted to stab him in the balls with her reportin’ pen. She also noted that Lt. Olivia Benson (the celebrity not the cat) rivals Claire Danes when it comes to the ugly-cry.
Steven Tyler And His 28-Year-Old Assistant Are Officially A Thing Now
Bad news for all of you kinky whores whose wet dream has always been to regularly suckle on Steven Tyler’s luscious and juicy cone chichis, your wet dream isn’t going to come true anytime soon. Because Steven Tyler is much too busy using that big ass mouth to make the toes on his 28-year-old assistant Aimee Ann Preston curl like his.
The Daily Mail says that Aimee has been Steven Tyler’s assistant for a few years and a couple of years ago, there were rumors that she was bouncing on his seasoned fuck part. They’re apparently still at it and made their love “official” at Elton John’s Oscars after-party two Sundays ago when they walked in holding hands. I’m sure that as soon as they sashayed in, everyone turned around and said, “Who is that extremely hot May/December lesbian couple?” The Daily Mail had this to say about Steven and his young piece/assistant:
Now I can reveal the 67-year-old’s companion is Aimee Ann Preston, who at 28 is a full decade younger than his actor daughter Liv.
Aimee Ann is Steve’s personal assistant and although the couple were first rumoured to have dated in 2014, now it’s serious. They made no secret of their romance at Elton’s event and she recently posted pictures online of a new house it’s believed she shares with her older lover.
Sure, Aimee Ann is 10 years younger than Steven’s oldest kid and is only 3 years older than his youngest, but she’s 28 and he’s a rich rock star, so on a scandalous scale of “broke my pearls from clutching so hard” and “didn’t even mouth queef out a ‘meh‘,” this is much closer to “meh.” Besides, at least Steven didn’t have to call an adoption lawyer when he wanted to move Aimee Ann into his house.
Here’s more of Steven busting out John Robert Powers-approved poses with Sheryl Crow at Elton John’s Oscar party.
Jewel’s Trompe L’Oeil Titties Are Confusing Me
Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).
Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception – a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.
While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.
Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!
Some People Think Sheryl Crow Should’ve Told On Lance Armstrong’s Doping Ass
Sheryl Crow started dating Lance Armstrong in 2003, so some think she obviously knew he was filling his veins up with EPO. It’s kind of hard to ignore that fact, because every time they had missionary sex, Lance’s Hulk-like dick lifted Sheryl’s body two feet above the bed. But if Sheryl knew, she didn’t say anything then and she’s not saying anything now. Sheryl talked to Entertainment Tonight about the whole doping scandal and she kept her answers vague, only saying that she feels “bad” that Lance has to give up the titles he worked so hard to get (insert michelleobamaeyeroll.gif here). One of the people who blew the whistle on the doped-up douchebag in Spandex shorts isn’t letting Sheryl Crow get away and is yanking at that bitch’s hair for keeping her lips shut the entire time.
Betsy Andreu, the wife of one of Lance’s fellow dopers, tells The Daily Mail that she thinks it’s sick and weak of Sheryl Crow to not say anything when she could’ve saved a lot of his accusers from being attacked by him. Betsy let out this anti-Stand By Your Man anthem to the Mail:
“Are you kidding me? She was his fiancé. She surely knew what was going on. She could have helped other people. I am appalled and ashamed at how weak women were in this whole saga. It is an embarrassment. Sheryl was by his side when he was trying to destroy people and she said nothing. That’s unconscionable. I mean it just astounds me. You should know people are telling the truth and you’re silent. It’s sick. My God she was engaged to the guy. She, like so many other women, did not speak up. If they went through what we went through, would they want somebody to speak up? She could have done something. Somebody should ask Sheryl ‘did you see the blood tranfusions? Were drugs ever stored in your home? Did you see any of that in your house?'”
GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP. At least Lance never called you fat! Lance called you crazy, called you a bitch, but he never called you fat! What more do you want? Do you want him to say you look good in those jeans? Okay, Lance thinks you look good in those jeans. There!
And in that picture above, I know that thing on Sheryl’s dress is a snake (how appropriate), but the part on the left looks more like a gilded circumcised peen to me. I would.