Hollywood Reared Its Ugly Head On The CMA Awards Red Carpet

November 14, 2019 / Posted by:

Dolly Parton is, as always, pure perfection. Her love for all things shiny and tight, makes me miss the CMA red carpets of old. But of course, nostalgia is a big theme in country music, and the red carpet of this year’s CMA Awards is making me nostalgic as hell for a time before Hollywood muscled its way into Nashville and diluted its rugged charm with the likes of Gigi Hadid. WHY WAS SHE THERE?!

And why was she dressed up like a luxury tampon a uniformed bathroom attendant at the Ritz-Carlton Dubai would hand you?

Like, I’m sure it’s a really nice tampon, gardenia scented, super absorbent, and slides right in with zero friction, but what is it doing walking the red carpet at the CMAs?!

Overall, there were too many Hollywood celebrities at the CMAs. Of course, we’ve come to expect to see Nicole Kidman there. But she’s earned the right by marrying a man with a sporty lesbian’s haircut and a soul patch who also happens to be country royalty, Baron Urban of Keith. Nicole came dressed to impress… a playful kitten! Good luck trying to get Mittens to keep his filthy paws off Nicole! Gigi should be thanking her for distracting Mittens from trying to play with her tampon string.

Nicole’s Big Little Lies co-star Reese Witherspoon was also there and I guess I can understand why. She is a loud and proud U.S. citizen and a country song written about her infamous 2013 drunk and disorderly arrest should replace that God awful God Bless The U.S.A. song by Lee Greenwood. I would proudly stand up! to Do You Know Who I Am? by Laura Jeanne Poon. Reese wasn’t wearing anything of note (you can check her out in the gallery) so I’m not including her here. But in the spirit of patriotism that she represents, I must include Sugarland’s Jennifer Nettles’ red carpet protest outfit calling for equal play.

Jennifer’s look is by Christian Siriano and judging by the reaction she got in the comments section on Fox News, she’s vile, disrespectful and rude, and if women want to get played as much as men, they should make better music *stares in Dolly Parton*/**glares in Blake Shelton**/*** seethes in Lee Greenwood***

According to Yahoo! News, Jennifer has a point.

Two reports released earlier this year confirmed the gender bias on the airwaves and whipped up media attention. An academic analysis, “Gender Representation on Country Format Radio: A Study of Published Reports from 2000-2018,” conducted by Dr. Jada Watson, of the University of Ottawa, and the Women of Music Action Network, found that, between 2002 and 2018, women were played significantly less than men. In 2018, for instance, females were behind just 11.3 percent of the year’s most played songs, according to the report. Furthermore, Watson found that the ratio of men to women on the radio last year was 9.7 to 1.

As if to prove my point about Hollywood infecting the purity of country music, the trio Midland, who are always at the top of my CMA best dressed list due to their stalwart adhesion to a proper Nudie suit/Stetson/bolo tie/egg yolk catcher mustache aesthetic, showed up looking like they wanted to audition for, respectively (left to right): A starring role in the biopic Don’t Pass Me By: Ringo’s Lament, gentleman bank robber #2 in Put The Money In The Bag, Darlin’ And Nobody Gets Hurt, and Jeremiah in Jeremiah’s Way, a story about a lonely itinerant preacher who wanders the Americas only to find his own personal salvation in the most unexpected of places –  Kanye’s Sunday Service. RIP country music.

And just for fun, here’s a real OG Reba McEntire gagging everybody with her performance of Fancy. She’s gagging the newcomers who have never heard the song before, and gagging the old timers who’ve never seen a drag show before.

Reba and the other Women of Country (sans Shania Twain, Trisha Yearwood, etc… ) also joined forces to do this:

And here’s the gallery which includes many rando Hollywood types plus some solid looks form the country crowd. Tanya Tucker gets my Best Dressed Madame At A Brothel Where All The Hookers Are Shareholders In The Cooperative vote.

Pics: Wenn.com

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