Here’s The Final Cut Of “Gotta Be You” From “80 For Brady” Feat. Dolly Parton, Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Estefan And Their Kid Sister Belinda Carlisle
Dolly Parton famously wrote I Will Always Love You and Jolene on the same night, so it should be no surprise that she was able to squirt out a dribbly little ditty as a favor to a couple of old friends in less time than it takes her to remove her false eyelashes at the end of the day. When Dolly’s homegirls Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin found themselves in a bind, having agreed to go against God’s Plan by signing up for starring roles in Tom Brady’s mid-post-post-career vanity project, 80 for Brady, alongside Sally Field and Rita Moreno, and needed help, Dolly was right there to lend a hand. And Dolly’s no Rose from Titanic! Her door is as wide as it is strong, and it’s always open to a friend in need. Dolly secured her rings and baubles and such before reaching her hand down into the frigid, inky-black depths of Tom’s ego and pulled her girls to safety. She then got her little orange emergency whistle out and started looking for other innocent souls at risk of drowning in Tom’s insatiable abyss. As dawn arose on that fateful night, Dolly’s door was teeming with refugees from the floating wreckage of Tom’s post-divorce career.
Open Post: Hosted By David Bryne And Miley Cyrus’ New Year’s Eve Cover Of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance”
While shit at CNN was mostly sober, over at NBC on New Year’s Eve, the peacock was definitely snorting some mind-alternating hallucinogenics. Miley Cyrus hosted her second annual Miley’s New Year’s Eve Party on NBC with help from extremely special co-host, her godmother and universal angel Dolly Parton. Never mind that Miley’s special was way too fucking light on the Dolly; she had other guests like Latto, Sia, Rae Sremmurd, Parasite Hilton, and David Byrne of Talking Heads. Since Dolly is Dolly, she was the bright shining star of the show without even trying, but a close second was David Byrne!
We’re almost another year around the sun, and who better to guide us home than down-home country gal Miley Cyrus? She’ll be hosting Miley’s New Year’s Eve Party alongside her godmother/American saint Dolly Parton and will be crooning her greatest hits, all while keeping her shirt on. To promote the program, Miley shared the story of how she almost gave Dolly a heart attack. Look, the last thing we need to cap off 2022 is something happening to Dolly, especially at the hands of Miley Cyrus!
You don’t become one of the most beloved human beings (citation needed) on the planet without showing at least a little bit of humility, even if it’s unearned. So even though Dolly Parton has released three Christmas albums, four Christmas movies (plus a new special on the way), and wears enough baubles and sparklers, ON A RANDOM TUESDAY IN JUNE, to light the entirety of the Rockefeller Center Christmas extravaganza, when Better Homes & Garden tried to call her “The Queen of Christmas,” a designation that Mariah Carey has sought to legally secure, Dolly told them “Now, don’t you say that!” Dolly knows which side of her biscuit is buttered! And she absolutely wasn’t going to let some whippersnapper drag her to hell with him by pitting her against Mariah in a battle for seasonal supremacy.
As she’s proven time and time again, Dolly Parton can absolutely do no wrong. That said, I’m not going to sit here and lie to you about her new slowed-down, chill vibes version of 9 to 5 with Kelly Clarkson and tell you it’s going to ignite a socialist revolution or anything. But it might make some poor nail tech working at the day spa snap after hearing it in heavy rotation for weeks on end and shank a bitch with a cuticle trimmer. Or it might provoke your friendly neighborhood Starbucks barista into throwing piping hot Pumpkin Spice Latte grenades at the next customer who steps up to the counter while talking on their phone. By which I mean the coming revolution will be beyond socialist. It will be a bloody, protracted, civilized society killer that will leave this planet little more than a smoldering husk where humanity once thrived. Hopefully not before I get the little Dolly Parton doggie wig I ordered for my pup off Amazon though. My girl and I are obviously all-in on the 9 to 5 triggered apocalypse, but we’re hardly going to be fighting in the trenches looking like a couple of raggedy Plain Janes. This is Dolly’s societal collapse and we’re showing up armed to the teeth and with a full beat. Come on girls, utopia awaits us in the afterlife!
The opportunities for catching something at Coachella are varied and plenty. And even if you weren’t there in person, you still might have caught the news that Taco Bell is finally bringing back my beloved Mexican Pizza. Yes, it’s incredible news, but Taco Bell is letting Doja Cat take all the credit for it, even though Dolly Parton did most of the heavy lifting (she’s got to hoist those puppies high just to get out of bed every morning, as physics demands). Dojo made the announcement that the Mexican Pizza will be returning to the TB menu next month, during her set at Coachella over the weekend. Look, I know Doja did a whole song about it, whereas Dolly barely mentioned her support in passing, but one word from Dolly’s lips is worth more than a million cheesy beef rhymes from Doja’s. But all’s well that ends well. Let Doja and Taco Bell have this one. Dolly doesn’t need to cheapen herself by pandering to brands, she’s cheap enough as it is!