In case you were not aware, Dolly Parton is a beautiful angel whose wings rest inside her many wigs, which is why it always looks like she’s floating on air. And if you ever say anything bad about her I will personally pull up to your house and sing Jolene for nine hours straight, which is the punishment nobody wants or deserves. Clearly, you see I Stan for Dolly. And now, after finding out she stands 100% in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement don’t be surprised if you see me next week waiting by the gates of Dollywood for my hero to arrive so she can sign my VHS copy of Straight Talk.
2020 has sucked a big one, but that hasn’t prevented legendary treasure Dolly Parton from spreading “Joy to the World!” She just announced she’ll be releasing a special Christmas album in early October called Holly Dolly Christmas. It’ll be her fourth holiday album, and her first since 1990’s Home for Christmas.
Horny baby boomer moms everyone will be delighted by the news that the lead single is a duet with Michael Bublé called “Cuddle Up, Cozy Down Christmas”. Other songs include“Holly Jolly Christmas”, “Christmas Is” (with Dolly’s goddaughter Miley Cyrus), “All I Want for Christmas Is You” (with Jimmy Fallon [?]), “Christmas Where We Are” (with Billy Ray Cyrus), “Pretty Paper” (with Willie Nelson, surely a rolling a joint reference?), “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”, and “You Are My Christmas” (with Dolly’s brother Randy Parton).
As racist, confederate statues glorifying slave-owners and other historical dirtbags continue to topple around the world, ideas have already begun to circulate as to what should replace these empty spaces (Seriously, though, IN THIS ECONOMY, does America actually have an emergency statue fund?) Well, one suggestion that I am formally running up the flagpole and saluting is a statue that would serve as a symbol of everything that the south has gotten right. A symbol of strength, perseverance, and confusion. I’m talking about Miss Britney Jean Spears, y’all. And, fortunately, I’m not the only one.
Fans of RuPaul’s Drag Race have put up with a lot during season 12––and I’m not just talking about THAT one queen who nearly ruined everything by serving rotted, stanky CATfish and got her ass edited out of the show. There was also that mostly sloppy Snatch Game that got some people hot and bothered––oh, and then there was Chaka Kahn not knowing what a merkin (or, frankly, what Drag Race) is. Well it’s all over now, and RuPaul has chosen our next queen––just in time for the premiere of Season 5 of RuPaul’s Drag Race: All-Stars on June 5th (oh please, what else are you gonna watch during quarantine?)
It seems like every minute, we mere mortals get another peak into the glamorous life of country music queen, and living legend, Dolly Parton. Not only is she reading us bedtime stories during the COVID-19 pandemic, and pushing Playboy to include her on their cover once again, but she’s revealed her husband’s three-way dream with Jennifer Aniston, oh ya and that episode of the Queen Latifah show where she busted out her sickening rap skills…Yes, Dolly is an absolute angel of honesty and transparency who never disappoints with the well-intentioned goods. But she kept a HUGE secret from the world and now it’s out and changes EVERYTHING (not really).
Just about the only living celebrity I’m willing to put my unreserved faith in as a supremely decent human being is Dolly Parton. And not that I ever have, but I won’t hear a word against her! Time and time again, Dolly’s proven her goodness through gracious acts of charity and audacious displays of glamour. According to Rolling Stone, the theatrical release of a documentary about Dolly’s long-running children’s literacy foundation, Imagination Library, which has provided over 100 million free books to kids since 1990, has been corona-delayed. But Dolly, being Dolly, is turning lemons into sparkling lemonade served in a rhinestone pitcher with a splash of bourbon for those who want it. To help us through this crisis, Dolly’s decided to read us all bedtime stories.