Category: Vladimir Putin
Amal Clooney Says Her 5-Year-Old Son Wants Putin In Jail
Normal, poor people’s babies wake up in the middle of the night screaming because they’ve shit their pants or they’re just assholes. But babies with very wealthy, good-looking parents who’ve dedicated their lives to philanthropy and social justice must wake up in the middle of the night in an apoplectic fit over the state of the world in #thesetryingtimes. By the time those poor, shitty diaper babies reach the age of reason, they’re really only interested in one thing, and that’s themselves. Ask any random five-year-old on the street about the war in Ukraine, and you’re likely to get a response that might range from a blank stare to a well-deserved kick to the shins because you know damn well you have no business walking up to random five-year-olds on the street! Seriously, what is wrong with you? But, if you ask George and Amal Clooney’s five-year-old son Alexander about the current geo-political crisis that’s unfolding in Europe, he’s gonna tell it to you straight— Vladimir Putin belongs in jail!
Mary J. Blige, Keanu Reeves, Zendaya, Joe Rogan And Kris Jenner All Made The Time 100 List Of The World’s Most Influential People
Last year Prince Harry and Meghan Markle graced the cover of Time Magazine’s annual list of the 100 most influential people in the world and since then, have done jack shit in the way of influence. They were featured in the Icons section, but those tricks can’t even launch an Instagram page let alone a revolution. So Time gave them the year off to get their shit together and Mary J. Blige has taken their place as the face of the Time 100’s Icons section. Mary shares the honor with Issa Rae, Keanu Reeves, Jon Batiste, and Adele plus a couple of people who actually worked for the accolade. And because you can’t even get the “Uh” out of Adele without James Corden popping up out of nowhere like a singing telegram sent by the devil himself, James wrote Adele’s intro and used it as an excuse to brag about her “singing in the kitchen, or belting at the top of her voice solely to make [his] children laugh.” It’s like, we get it, James, she’s your bestie. But if she’s so influential, then explain what happened to your career?
J.K. Rowling Responded To Vladimir Putin Comparing Her “Cancellation” To The West Trying To “Cancel” Russia
J.K. Rowling took some time out of her busy schedule, counting her money and inventing binarily gendered fantastic beasts, to respond to Russian President Vladimir Putin, who took time out of his busy schedule, committing war crimes and obsessively polishing his desk, to compare his country’s plight, being sanctioned by Western powers, with that of J.K.’s, being made fun of on Twitter.
Nancy Pelosi Read A Poem By Bono Comparing President Zelenskyy To Saint Patrick
If you didn’t overindulge last night celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day but still want the splitting headache and creeping sense of shame, Nancy Pelosi and Bono have got you covered. Yesterday, at the Capitol’s annual Friends of Ireland luncheon, Nancy took the stage to recite a poem by Bono, “a very Irish part of our lives,” addressing the war in Ukraine and proclaiming that President Zelenskyy is the new Saint Patrick. And to make matters even worse for the people of Ukraine, Ireland and America, she followed Bono’s wobbly ballad by inviting Riverdance up to do a little jig. There now, don’t you feel like you drained a bottle of Jameson last night and woke up with a shamrock tattoo on your neck and no idea how it got there?
Donald Trump Got Vladimir Putin For Christmas On SNL
After we learned this past week that both the CIA and the FBI believe that Russia interfered with the election to help Donald Trump win the White House, we’re ready for some cat tranquilizers!
We were also prepped for a Saturday Night Live sketch spoofing this whole sordid mess, which we got. In this era of fake news and the media inadvertently helping His Orange Badness win the presidency, the only news sources that people are actually paying attention to are SNL and that awful man’s tweets. At least one of them is intentionally funny.
In the sketch, Beck Bennett as Russia’s president Vladimir Putin comes tits out down the chimney to wish Trump a Merry Christmas. A crazy thin John Goodman shows up as Rex Tillerson (that’s the oil CEO that Trump chose for Secretary of State). In the sketch (as in life), he knows Vlad somewhat intimately. Broad strokes!
SNL also gifted us with Beck Bennett’s nipples. I didn’t mind that. Beck is kind of underrated in the nipples department. Look what this election has done! It’s rendered me pathetic and thirsty! I heard that, you in the back! No, I wasn’t already pathetic and thirsty (yeah, I was)! Nipples might be the only thing to get us through the next four years.
Watch SNL‘s latest Trump dig below.
Steven Seagal Is A Russian Citizen Now
Russia, hide yo puppies (and your pussies), because Steven Seagal is one of you now.
NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.