Andy Cohen Shot Down The Rumor That Meghan Markle Didn’t Conduct Her Own “Archetypes” Interviews, And Some Of Prince Harry’s Unsuccessful Podcast Pitches Were Revealed
Though it seems like public favor has been waning lately for “fucking grifters” Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Andy Cohen recently threw Meghan a bone by confirming that he did, in fact, get interviewed by Meghan herself when he was on her now-defunct podcast Archetypes last year, after rumors recently began swirling that she didn’t conduct her own interviews during the show’s short run. A former staffer from the company that produced Archetypes claimed that producers did the interviews, except for the main ones, and Meghan was edited in later. And it’s probably a good thing that The Sussexes and Spotify parted ways while their deal was still active. Because Prince Harry allegedly pitched a podcast where he’d interview Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin about their childhood trauma. What could go wrong?
Normal, poor people’s babies wake up in the middle of the night screaming because they’ve shit their pants or they’re just assholes. But babies with very wealthy, good-looking parents who’ve dedicated their lives to philanthropy and social justice must wake up in the middle of the night in an apoplectic fit over the state of the world in #thesetryingtimes. By the time those poor, shitty diaper babies reach the age of reason, they’re really only interested in one thing, and that’s themselves. Ask any random five-year-old on the street about the war in Ukraine, and you’re likely to get a response that might range from a blank stare to a well-deserved kick to the shins because you know damn well you have no business walking up to random five-year-olds on the street! Seriously, what is wrong with you? But, if you ask George and Amal Clooney’s five-year-old son Alexander about the current geo-political crisis that’s unfolding in Europe, he’s gonna tell it to you straight— Vladimir Putin belongs in jail!
Mary J. Blige, Keanu Reeves, Zendaya, Joe Rogan And Kris Jenner All Made The Time 100 List Of The World’s Most Influential People
Last year Prince Harry and Meghan Markle graced the cover of Time Magazine’s annual list of the 100 most influential people in the world and since then, have done jack shit in the way of influence. They were featured in the Icons section, but those tricks can’t even launch an Instagram page let alone a revolution. So Time gave them the year off to get their shit together and Mary J. Blige has taken their place as the face of the Time 100’s Icons section. Mary shares the honor with Issa Rae, Keanu Reeves, Jon Batiste, and Adele plus a couple of people who actually worked for the accolade. And because you can’t even get the “Uh” out of Adele without James Corden popping up out of nowhere like a singing telegram sent by the devil himself, James wrote Adele’s intro and used it as an excuse to brag about her “singing in the kitchen, or belting at the top of her voice solely to make [his] children laugh.” It’s like, we get it, James, she’s your bestie. But if she’s so influential, then explain what happened to your career?
J.K. Rowling Responded To Vladimir Putin Comparing Her “Cancellation” To The West Trying To “Cancel” Russia
J.K. Rowling took some time out of her busy schedule, counting her money and inventing binarily gendered fantastic beasts, to respond to Russian President Vladimir Putin, who took time out of his busy schedule, committing war crimes and obsessively polishing his desk, to compare his country’s plight, being sanctioned by Western powers, with that of J.K.’s, being made fun of on Twitter.
If you didn’t overindulge last night celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day but still want the splitting headache and creeping sense of shame, Nancy Pelosi and Bono have got you covered. Yesterday, at the Capitol’s annual Friends of Ireland luncheon, Nancy took the stage to recite a poem by Bono, “a very Irish part of our lives,” addressing the war in Ukraine and proclaiming that President Zelenskyy is the new Saint Patrick. And to make matters even worse for the people of Ukraine, Ireland and America, she followed Bono’s wobbly ballad by inviting Riverdance up to do a little jig. There now, don’t you feel like you drained a bottle of Jameson last night and woke up with a shamrock tattoo on your neck and no idea how it got there?
After we learned this past week that both the CIA and the FBI believe that Russia interfered with the election to help Donald Trump win the White House, we’re ready for some cat tranquilizers!
We were also prepped for a Saturday Night Live sketch spoofing this whole sordid mess, which we got. In this era of fake news and the media inadvertently helping His Orange Badness win the presidency, the only news sources that people are actually paying attention to are SNL and that awful man’s tweets. At least one of them is intentionally funny.
In the sketch, Beck Bennett as Russia’s president Vladimir Putin comes tits out down the chimney to wish Trump a Merry Christmas. A crazy thin John Goodman shows up as Rex Tillerson (that’s the oil CEO that Trump chose for Secretary of State). In the sketch (as in life), he knows Vlad somewhat intimately. Broad strokes!
SNL also gifted us with Beck Bennett’s nipples. I didn’t mind that. Beck is kind of underrated in the nipples department. Look what this election has done! It’s rendered me pathetic and thirsty! I heard that, you in the back! No, I wasn’t already pathetic and thirsty (yeah, I was)! Nipples might be the only thing to get us through the next four years.
Watch SNL‘s latest Trump dig below.