Category: Brian Tyree Henry
Beyond The Boring Ass Black Suit: Lil Nas X Served Silver Nalgas And Pedro Pascal Gave Us Leg At The Met Gala
Since the Met Gala’s theme this year was a tribute to Kunty Karl, who was the overlord of Chanel for decades, there were more pearl necklaces than a bukkake convention and enough lace to pull David’s Bridal out of bankruptcy. There was also a sea of basic black suits since many dudes just rolled out of bed and into a boring ensemble their assistant picked up for them the day before at Brooks Brothers. But not every dude showed up dressed like they were going to a funeral (which was fitting since the real star of the Met Gala was born and died last night).
Billy Porter is usually the Maestro of Over-The-Top Fashun Foolery at the Met Gala, but he sat out this year. But luckily, Lil Nas X grabbed Billy’s sparkly baton and moistened tips by doing himself up like Liberace’s answer to the Tin Man. And Pedro Pascal also gave everyone a case of the tingles by simply showing off his slutty daddy legs.
Open Post: Hosted By Brad Pitt In A Skirt For The Berlin Screening Of “Bullet Train”
Don’t blame the unprecedented hell-on-earth temperatures blowing out thermometers (and backs) all across Europe on climate change. Brad Pitt wore a skirt to the Berlin screening of Bullet Train. Not convinced? How about I lay some cold, hard science facts on your ass. Brad’s skirt had a raw, asymmetrical hem which highlighted his raw, asymmetrical knees causing a high-pressure weather event in coochies across the continent. Pretty hard to argue with that, I should say. Still think it’s because you were lazy and couldn’t be bothered to wash out your yogurt container so you threw it in the garbage and then hopped in your private jet to make a Target run? My good people, he was also wearing a tiger tooth necklace and combat boots. Berlin is in ashes.
Angelina Jolie Brought Most Of Her Children To The Premiere Of “Eternals”
The most maternal of all the Eternals, Angelina Jolie, brought the entire child army save 17-year-old Pax to her Marvel premiere last night, in case you were wondering who the child army’s favorite parent should be. (Hint: it’s the one who lets them root through her closet and takes them to fancy red carpet events) According to People, Maddox, 20, Zahara, 16, Shiloh, 15, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 13, all joined Angie on the red carpet for the Hollywood premiere of Marvel’s Eternals, and Zahara wore the same Elie Saab gown Angie wore to the 2014 Academy Awards. Do you think Brad Pitt is going to let any of those rugrats touch his precious hat collection?! Not a chance.
Marvel’s First Openly Gay Superhero Won’t Be Played By Richard Madden
Marvel’s The Eternals is coming, and with it a representational cast of thousands including heroes gender-swapped from the comics, a rainbow of ethnicities, the MCU’s first deaf hero, and finally, some hot spandexed man-on-spandexed man action. The rumor was that the first openly queer hero in Marvel Cinematic Universe history would be Ikaris, played by the Scottish, square-jawed and possibly bisexual himself Richard Madden. Not so fast! MCU Cosmic says it’s a different character and actor. And the character will already have a partner and kids! WHAT KIND OF HETERONORMATIVE BULLSHIT IS THIS? Fun fact: “heteronormative bullshit” is gay guy speak for the fear that there won’t be any full-frontal or anal scenes between Sean Cody-looking dudes in the content in question.
The Final Trailer For Joaquin Phoenix’s “Joker” Is Here
Has anybody checked on Jared Leto today? He might not be OK, he posted an unflattering photo of himself on Instagram, and I’m wondering if maybe it’s because the first full trailer for Todd Phillips‘ Joker starring Joaquin Phoenix just came out. The surrounding Oscar buzz may have taken the wind out of his sails/billowy Jesus caftan. This latest trailer actually shows us less about the movie than the teaser trailer that was released back in April. But don’t worry, I watched it with the closed captions on, and the descriptions of non-speech elements alone are enough to get the gist. This movie starts with (somber music), moves on to (child giggling), soon followed by (maniacal laughter) which, in turn, is followed by (Arthur Laughing), a distinction entirely lost on me as Arthur never (sweetly chuckles), then (dramatic music) crescendos into (bombastic music). In between there is a lot of smoking and a clown riot. Fin.
Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor
Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.