Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor

July 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.

People reports that Angie will be playing Thena in the upcoming The Eternals, which is scheduled to hit theatres on Nov. 6, 2020. The Eternals are an immortal race of super-powerful aliens in the Marvel universe who served as the inspiration for ancient myths. Let’s hope they fare better than the Inhumans. Also in the Keanu Reeves-less cast are Salma Hayek (as Ajak), Richard Madden (as Ikaris), Brian Tyree Henry (as Phastos), and Kumail Nanjiani  (as Kingo).

In other big MCU news, the fourth Thor movie was announced – Thor: Love and Thunder. Chris Hemsworth is still Thor (not sure if he’ll be OG Thor or the recently corpulent and depressive Thor from Endgame) and Tessa Thompson will return as Valkyrie, who will be Marvel’s first LGBTQ hero. The big news is that Natalie Portman is returning as Thor’s ex-girlfriend Jane Foster and she’s going to be Thor, too. (It happened in the comics.) This was a surprise seeing as the first two Thor flicks were eh, her character was blah, and Natalie seemed like she’d rather be home scrubbing her grout in both of them. Thor 3 (aka Thor: Ragnarok) was rad and it’s director Taika Waititi is back on board so this could work out. It hits theatres on Nov. 5, 2021.

Other upcoming Marvel movies include Black Widow (will it be a ghost story?) with Scarlett Johansson, Stranger Things’ David Harbour and Midsommar’s Florence Pugh on May 21, 2020, Benedict Cumberbatch returning as Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (5/7/2021), Marvel’s first Asian-led film Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2/12/21) starring newcomer Simi Liu, Tony Leung and Awkwafina, and a new Blade movie starring Mahershala Ali. Not to mention Captain Marvel 2, Black Panther 2, and Guardians of the Galaxy 3.

The other big story was the shitload of Marvel shows that will premiere on Disney+, their upcoming streaming service. Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie will reprise their roles as the Winter Soldier and Falcon in a series with the same name. Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany will star in a Scarlet Witch/Vision series unfortunately titled Wandavision. Tom Hiddleston is getting his own Loki series. And Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye will be training a new female Hawkeye in Hawkeye.

To those of you who are sick of super-heroes, you have my sincere apologies. We’ll try to include a list of places you could probably move to escape Marvel in a future post. Like the Arctic. Mt. Everest. Mars. It will be a short list.

Pic: Instagram

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