Taylor Swift Released A Video For The Single “Willow” From Her Album “Evermore” Which Touches On Her Feud With Kanye West And Relationship With Tom Hiddleston
Justin Timberlake’s Man of the Woods walked for a couple of steps before it tripped and landed with its ass sticking up out of the flap of its flannel long johns so Taylor Swift’s folklore could run. Which I guess means that folklore ran so evermore could sit pensively in vintage lace and gingham. As promised, Taylor’s 9th studio album dropped last night, along with a video for the single willow, directed by Taylor, in which she takes whimsy outback, beats it to a pulp, stuffs its lifeless body into a burlap sack, drags it to the river, dumps it and then runs and hops into a perfectly distressed 1920s jalopy, drives downstream ahead of the careening corpse, hops out, rushes to the riverbank, grabs the sodden sack, opens it and leans over and breathes new life into the mouth of whimsy which transforms it into a flesh and blood prince charming. SPOILER ALERT: They live happily evermore.
Though it’s been rumored for almost a year now, The Daily Mail reports that Tom Hiddleston has permanently altered his “I Heart T.S.” tank top to read “I Used to Heart T.S. Now I Heart Z.A. But Had To Keep T.S. On This Shirt For Ongoing Contractual Purposes.” Good thing Taylor Swift had the foresight to make sure she bought him an XXL, because that’s a lot of text. DM reports that Tom and his former Betrayal co-star and fellow Brit Zawe Ashton are living together in Atlanta, Georgia.
Page Six says that Tom Hiddleston got more than applause during a showing of the Broadway play Betrayal which he is currently starring in. In fact one woman was just so moved by the performance or by Tom’s presence in general that she just couldn’t control herself and just had to slap her coochie right there in the theatre with everyone around her. Girl, you are a freak and that’s also illegal–just saying.
Jake Gyllenhaal celebrated the opening night of his Broadway play Sea Wall/A Life. According to The New York Times, Sea Wall/A Life is actually a double bill of two separate monologues with Jake tackling the latter, jerking tears and jolting funny bones recounting the birth of a daughter and the death of a father. He probably jerked a few tears from his fans in another way too, by inviting his girlfriend to his opening. Page Six says that “things are heating up” between 38-year-old Jake and 23-year-old French model Jeanne Cadieu. If you’re disappointed in Jake for making basic ass dating choices remember, a French 23 is more like an American 39, so he’s actually dating an older woman!
Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.
As hard as it is to fathom, we’re approaching two years since our eyes were served a heaping pile of “DA FUQQQQQQQ?” when Tom Hiddleston popped up to Rhode Island’s top event of the year (Taylor Swift’s not-so-annual 4thof July party, duh) wearing a “I Heart T.S.” tank top. It sounds like Bucky Barnes was worried, y’all! Continue reading