Category: Natalie Portman

Marvel Cinematic Universe Shit: Angelina Jolie Is An “Eternal,” Natalie Portman Is The New Thor

July 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Never mind earthquakes. California was nearly taken out yesterday by the tsunami of fanboy drool created by Marvel Studios announcing all of their upcoming movie and TV offerings at San Diego Comic-Con. Angelina Jolie sashayed out to get that Marvel money and officially joined the cast of The Eternals. Natalie Portman deigned to make an appearance to announce that she’s going to be the new female Thor. Marvel also exhibited their absolute fearlessness when they revealed that they’ve recast Blade with Oscar winner Mahershala Ali. Their security must be aces because Noxeema Jackson is going to show up with an uzi when she hears that she’s not getting any cash from Marvel anytime soon with which to pay off her outstanding IRS tab.

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Moby Has Canceled The Remainder Of His Book Tour

May 30, 2019 / Posted by:

The PR team working on the press tour for Moby’s latest memoir, Then It Fell Apart, probably thought the buzz around his book launch would be people asking, “Remember Moby? He’s got a new book!“. Instead it’s turned into, “Remember Moby? He’s kind of a creep.” And now everyone is talking about how he tried to get with a girl fresh out of high school when he was in his 30s. So Moby has decided to cancel the rest of the dates on his book tour and go away for awhile.

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Moby Kind Of Apologized To Natalie Portman But Is Still Sticking By His Story

May 26, 2019 / Posted by:

As you know, in the second memoir (yes, he’s got more than one) of vegan lech Moby, he writes about dating Natalie Portman in 1999 when he was 33 and she was 20 (but she says she was 18). Why anyone would want to humblebrag about being a thirty-something dating a girl just out of high school is a question mark, but Natalie said it wasn’t true and he was actually an older man creeping on a teenager. Moby then said she’s lying, and he wouldn’t let it go. Moby is now apologzing. Sort of.

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Natalie Portman Says Moby Lied About Dating Her And He Was Actually An Older Man Creeping On A Teenager

May 22, 2019 / Posted by:

Oh, Natalie Portman and Moby, they could’ve been the Queen and King of Vegans, but the only problem is, according to her, is that she never ever wanted to lick celery leaf butter off of his bald head (or whatever you vegans do during sex), and saw him more as a vegan Woody Allen creeping on a barely legal girl. “That’s slanderous! I’d never creep on someone legal,” cried Woody Allen.

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Today In Random: Jessica Simpson Let Natalie Portman Have It For Bikini-Shaming Her (UPDATE)

December 5, 2018 / Posted by:

If a pop star from the olden times had to go after a nose-in-the-air pretentious Oscar-winning actress, my first choice would be Samantha Fox going after Goopy Paltrow for saying that she made yoga popular when we all know that Samantha Fox not only invented yoga, but made it popular too (see: Samantha Fox doing downward dog, sort of). But I’ll take Jessica Simpson dropping a fart on Natalie Portman for words Natalie said about her posing in a bikini when she was a teenage virgin.

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